A Heart's a Heavy Burden

Sorry I haven't been commenting or replying - I've been reading your entries and comments in bits of time between meetings, but now that we're remote, I spend way more time than usual staring at a screen.

By the time my workday ends, I just need a break.

I hope you understand <3

So. Fun thing! Like my second week here I completed an Insights profile, which is based off of a bunch of research that Carl Jung did. At the very basic level it describes 4 groups: Cool Blue, Fiery Red, Sunshine Yellow, and Earth Green. Each of these embodies specific traits. Those 4 are further broken down into 8 Types (and actually there are I think a total of 72 actual profiles that fall under these 8). You’re not supposed to personify the colors - “He’s blue” but more like “He puts forth blue energy the strongest” or “She leads with yellow.” However, we are all humans, and we identify with The Things. I imagine they created the 8 types to try to get you to NOT say you’re a color, but then they give us 4 foam blocks to order our colors and I know everyone feels all like “Yeah I’m a yellow-green” or whatever.

Anyway. I was super nervous my results would be inaccurate because I felt like I answered the questions all wrong. The questions were set up with 4 statements on each page, and you needed to pick 1 statement that was Most like you (6), 1 statement that was least like you (0), and then the other 2 statements could be given a 1-5 number value. I really questioned like Do I know anything about my preferences?? Lol.

So imagine my surprise when I got a profile that was so spot-on it’s scary. My type is The Inspirer (technically technically the Helping Inspirer) - How to relate to me? “Entertain me with stimulating conversation and laughter. Be friendly.” HAAAHAHA wow. Exactly yes. My blind spots are particularly fascinating (at the bottom of this entry), but I don't consider them "blind spots" so much as "known life challenges."

My color order was yellow (72%), green (64%), red (46%), blue (35%). Blue and yellow are opposites and red and yellow are opposites. Funny that Steve is green-blue and he said he got like no red at all. Also my “conscious” vs “unconscious” were almost exactly the same (what you see is what you get lol), whereas some people admitted they have a definite “persona” they project outwardly, but this insane test KNEW they are actually a different way too. So crazy!

The image below is where my team falls. I'm #16, Steve is #1 (the numbers are just alphabetical order). Our manager Tim is #5, like the same as Steve - no wonder it's easy for me to like him.

Personal Style (all emphasis me) - I deleted the few things that didn't really match me
One of Leah's strengths is an ability to let others work at their own pace coupled with an awareness of the unique contribution each person makes. She is prepared to attempt almost anything, but her work needs to be active rather than theoretical. She welcomes support, encouragement and social interaction, especially during stressful encounters when she may need to consciously divert her energy to more practical tasks to show positive results. She tends to live for today with a “you only go around once“ philosophy. Exhibiting a tendency to become concerned and hurt if her ideas are met with indifference or criticism, she may take conflict and rejection personally.

Because she lives by [her own] principles and rules, Leah is consistent and dependable. Leah wants to sample the best that life can offer. She has a sense of adventure and likes to keep her spirits and expectations high. Leah enthusiastically and co-operatively joins in activities and can juggle several activities at once. At times, events can overwhelm her and she may find it almost impossible to say “No”, even when the demands are unreasonable. Socially adept, even-tempered and tireless in her efforts to bring about peace and well-being, she tends to hold the perfect relationship as the ideal.

She tends to be fiercely loyal to her friends, prepared to sacrifice her own wants for the needs of the other person. If her job requires that she work alone for long periods then she can become restless and unsettled, unless the job is really engaging. Her warmth, sympathy and understanding encourages others to come to her. She pays scant attention to negative, pessimistic or divisive situations or conclusions. She enjoys socialising, but likes to plan her entertaining for maximum effect.

She looks for the good in every situation. She tends to be light-hearted and sunny, and because she constantly seeks to avoid painful experiences, she tends to steer away from personal anxieties. Because she tends to live for the present moment, she does not sense the need to prepare or plan more than is necessary. She relies on what she can hear, see and know from first hand experience. She may ignore or deny anything that threatens the harmony she seeks. [Holy fuck ALL OF THIS SO HARD]

She may become pessimistic and gloomy when she is thwarted or fails to see ways to make the important changes in her life. She needs to be appreciated for herself and her service, and she can be highly sensitive to indifference or criticism of the support she offers or provides. She tends to have an interest in the new and unusual and is gifted at expressing her feelings. She can be relied upon to keep a check on the social calendar, though she may well overlook some of the smaller details in preparing for events.

Interacting with Others

Leah likes to build harmonious relationships with others and continually seeks to maintain these relationships. It is important for her to have personal contact with people in her work. She may dislike and even avoid tasks which require attention to detail or inordinate paperwork. Usually verbal and persuasive, she will seek or wish to withdraw quickly from confrontation unless provoked to the extreme, when she may go “off the deep end” verbally. [Very much so] She is at her best in co-operative roles that deal with people and allow her to air her views.

She constantly seeks opportunities to talk things through with others. She prefers to be active and working with like minded people. She may overlook unpalatable facts and, if she does, a problem may be bypassed rather than a solution identified. Leah enjoys involvement in many activities, with a variety of people. She is stimulated by doing the unexpected or the unusual. Leah is seen by others as an easy-going, talkative and practical person. Seldom at a loss in any situation, she can be relied on to say something appropriate to put people at their ease. [YES ALL OF THIS - though I would add that at work I actually just like to check in vs talking for more than a minute or two for clarification. I just need some people contact to fill up my meter quick, and then I'm happy to be on my way]

She does not appreciate critical comments about her personal qualities as she sees these comments as personal attacks on her integrity. [Sure do!] She functions best when she is talking with people, which she enjoys immensely. Much of her pleasure and satisfaction comes from other's warm responses. She is noted for her innate ability to inspire and encourage others around her and exhibits excellent interpersonal skills [See: being a sounding board for just about everyone]. She is socially interactive, while preferring to view the world realistically and tangibly.

Decision Making

Leah's tendency to think “out loud” enables others to follow her line of thinking [Except I'm not super articulate so there's that]. She views talking through ideas with people to promote decision making as an effective strategy of itself. Decisions made on the basis of logic alone are not highly valued by her. In her attempts to please others she may make promises she cannot fulfill.

She prefers moderate to slight risk in decision-making. Her occasional failure to face up to disagreeable facts can mean that problems are sometimes ignored rather than solutions sought. She is prepared to make decisions through group consensus. She may make decisions without considering all the consequences of her actions. If everyone can be involved in a project, she will ensure that they are.

She may value opinions over facts in considering a possible course of action. She is likely to decide in favour of the solution that brings the highest level of approval from others. She needs to learn to consciously delay making decisions until she has considered more information as she may have overlooked sounder alternatives [Uh oh]. Her slogan might be “Act now pay later“ and she tends to make choices around her own personal feelings which may be as important to her as more objective data. [Hahaha yep "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission"...]

Strengths:

• Strong sense of humor and fun


• Approachable and affectionate with friends


• Will look for the good in people and events


• Seeks variety in both tasks and relationships


• Enjoys spending time around other people - and making them feel good


• Interactive and inspirational


• Can act spontaneously


• Displays lots of self-confidence

Weaknesses:

• Generally speaking, she is speaking generally!


• Knows the answer before the question is asked - [sometimes]


• May not finish everything she starts


• May not deliver on time


• Demotivated by routine tasks


• May miss others’ reactions to her actions


• May avoid resolving tough issues

My favorite one in “Don’ts when communicating with Leah” is “Don’t dampen her enthusiastic energy with negative inputs.” JUST DON’T DO IT!

I thought it was funny in the “ideal environment” section, that it specifically says there should be noise/”buzz” of activity, because I either have something on, or I prefer to work at a Caribou. Working in near-deafening silence in my office is torture and I can’t focus!

Okay, almost done boring you I swear.

Leah's possible Blind Spots: I could seriously bold this whole section, ouch! I truly don't understand how they know all this spot-on information about me when none of the survey had anything to do with relationships in this way???

Because Leah places such a strong priority on experiencing new things, she sometimes allows her other responsibilities to suffer from lack of attention. She is genuinely interested in others and may seek to get on closer terms with those who particularly interest her. She is occasionally taken advantage of and can be hurt in the process. She should realise that on occasion confrontation can clear the air.

Leah has a difficult time saying no or asking for help. Leah sometimes places too much credibility on the opinions and feelings of those she cares for. During stressful times she can become blinded to the difficulties of the situation. She tends to ignore her problems instead of finding rational solutions for them and needs to try to keep her eyes and mind open as well as her heart. Her natural quickness and pressure to anticipate what is coming means she occasionally assumes wrongly that she knows what a person is going to say, and is tempted to jump in to finish their sentences. Taking the time to pay closer attention to what is actually going on in the world around her and listening carefully to both the input and reactions of others will help her.

She needs to learn to deal more directly and honestly with conflict, trusting that her natural sensitivity to others' feelings will provide her with what needs to be done even in the most difficult situations. She should try to suppress her automatic good feeling towards people who treat her well, applying a cooler perception to the reality of the situation. Tending to take on too much at one time she can find herself overloaded and unable to keep her commitments. Her own personal feelings in relationships and decision making are trusted by her and used to the exclusion of more objective data. Because she is rather easily distracted, she may have difficulty disciplining herself to complete the task at all costs.

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The biggest work takeaway suggestion was that I need to focus on getting my shit done and not get distracted with the new shiny task. My biggest overall takeaway are the blind spots of course which is the story of my life working on myself for the last year. I feel so attacked!

Anyway, it was super cool, and if you know me, you probably agree with these things.

Oh no, I’ve been falling behind! This is legit like old habits - I cycle from posting every day to posting a couple times a month. I promise I’m going to write those entries about Ben and Sean’s and Bethany’s wedding!

I’ve been really busy with preparing for work and the Florida trip. I’m in the airport right now waiting to board. We got an email notification that MSP airport is experiencing longer than normal wait times so we were encouraged to get to the airport super early, which we did. The line was long but not too long and we got lucky because they were training a bunch of new people, thus holding up the line, so a woman opened up a secret check for us to go through and we didn’t have to deal with the practice searches of the new staff. Score!

Monday was the benefits training and initial overview for ISD 622. it was a super long day but also really necessary. I’ve never been at a benefits meeting where people asked so many questions about the different insurance plans before, and have had the person try really hard to answer the questione. Some people seemed like they were getting annoyed, but then would be like “wait what??” at some of the answers. What it really boils down to is, unless you are doing the high deductible, there are two competing plans and it all depends on your organization and willingness to risk not having enough money if something big were to happen. Personally I prefer to have the comfort of paying only $23 per paycheck and $25 copay no matter what (the insurance here is good, as promised). I am really looking forward to star looking for a therapist, and there doesn’t seem to be specific restrictions on it, so I’m gonna double check with member services and get right on that. The dental and vision are good too - dental is completely free and you can get your teeth cleaned 4 times a year if you want, lol. I have annoying eyes with vastly different prescriptions so good vision insurance definitely helps. For my last pair of glasses I paid over $500.

Yesterday was a short training at Maplewood Middle, and as usual I was totally into it and excited, but Molly, my EBD counterpart, had a lot of concerns and questions (classic me, assuming everything will work out and thinks of nothing), especially regarding the people in our group completely new to teaching. A lot of her concerns I had thought will be answered next week during all-staff training. We’ll see!

Admin of course projected a super positive image of the school and talked about how most of the staff have been there more than 5 years and made me really excited and looking forward to it (and I’m still high on the fact that I have my own classroom. Guys it’s a BIG DEAL). Afterward I asked Taylor, the autism teacher, about it. She was subbing all over the place in the school starting in the winter (she was in the peace corps and got kicked out because she started dating her neighbor and got pregnant. They gave her like 3 days notice... awk) and she said it’s the same as every other school - that gen ed is a shitshow but that SpEd is really strong. Goooood. It makes me nervous about co-teaching but at worst I’ll be annoyed for awhile that I’m a glorified para and eventually I’ll take advantage of the extra time to work on paperwork and stuff.

It looks like I have a small advisory class that will be combined with someone else’s, who just happens to be a gym teacher I worked with when I was a para in the district. Cool!

My pull-out math is 7th and 8th grade only, which is good and bad. I’m glad I don’t have all 3 grades because it becomes impossible to manage all of the standards and kids get disserviced, but again my experience with algebra is zero.

My classroom is looking really good, just a few things to finish taking care of next week!

I’m super motivated to get the “go to the gym [yoga] 12 times per month for a discount” because I’ll still get 12 times in even with this 5-day vacation and going to Ben and Sean’s once this month. It’ll be super doable if I go to Brandi’s classes twice a week and a random one whenever. I went to yoga in Stephanie’s class yesterday. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone to one of her classes and I really enjoyed it. We were working on loosening the hamstrings and doing splits practice. It was awesome. She also always does a guided meditation at the end of class, and today she had us focus on the feelings we feel when we think about “our heart’s desire”. I was overwhelmed with the big full happy emotions of being grateful for my life and having Steve there and being Ben and Sean’s moai* and just being so happy with my profession and plans for the future... maybe my eyes started leaking some. But even then I was grateful for the fact that I can feel emotions so intensely now, because it signals to me that I’m keeping my walls down and being open, when I spent so long closed and hard.

After yoga, I went home and said hi to Steve and Nick and Scott. Well, I’d already kind of said hi to Scott earlier when he showed up unannounced and I was in the bathroom and didn’t know he was in the living room, which looks down the hallway to our bathroom and bedroom, and I walked out pantless because I needed to put on yoga bottoms. I was so surprised to see him standing there that i just autistically said “HI SCOTT SORRY DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE THERE” and was annoyed at how embarrassed I was because like, it’s just my ass lol. I think it was the being caught off guard. AND I was indignant that Steve didn’t like text me or knock on the door because he knew I was getting ready and Scott was seriously lucky I didn’t walk out fully naked???

Soon after I got home I mustered up the energy to okay ITG, since it will be the last time to practice for Cupcake for the next five days! After warming up and adjusting to my newly loosened hamstrings, I had a pretty good day. Kept my heart rate up and played through a ton of the songs. Ultimately I played nonstop for an hour and a half, which is usually when my shoulders start to hurt really bad and my legs get tiredness. I had a lot of fun and got a couple new scores.

( Pics for posterity )

I still haven’t been able to pass any of the 12s and I’m nervous about my ability in tournament. I’m just hoping that everyone gets nervous and chokes, lol. At the very least I just don’t want to look like a fool who is out of her league.

Okay, gonna board soon!

Today was a day spent working, working so damn hard. In the morning we were all asked to come to a meeting to say goodbye to those of us leaving. Parkway is experiencing a mass exodus as a result of all the turmoil, and Jocelyn had us say goodbye one by one, with other people speaking “honoring” the ones leaving, and then the ones leaving giving a small speech. There are like, 13 of us going. Lots of people cried. When it was my turn, Tealie, Jan, Corri and Jenny all had really nice things to say about me. Tealie told the story of the time we had that crazy class our first year together, when the kids literally could not move with purpose and at any given time people were wandering the room. We really wanted the kids to be able to move and do a gallery walk, and somehow came up with the idea to put tape on the floor for them to follow, and it WORKED. soooo funny. Corri and Jenny both talked about getting to truly co-teach and what they learned from working with a teacher who cares so much about kids and has so much patience, and Jan called me her work daughter and pretty much made my entire life because Jan IS my mom. She’s the mom I never had, and I love her so much.

I ran really quick to Vincente’s IEP meeting, and Brian told Vincente’s mom that I’m the one person that Vincente would do anything for because we have a special relationship. After that I spent the day trying to get all my files in order. I sat up in the work room with Jan, Brian and Andy, all doing the same thing. Eventually I asked Steve to join me while I finished my work at Parkway. I still haven’t started on my stuff for Nokomis, but that will have to wait.

He came, and I was surprised to find that I was basically at the end of stuff I needed to do! I hadn’t eaten since 8am so I was very very hungry. I suggested we go to Cossetta’s, and we were both really looking forward to it because we could sit outside. There wasn’t a line, which was awesome. When I got up to the mastaccioli, I asked the lady if I could get extra sauce, like I have done every single time I have been to cossetta’s. I said it very nicely, as I always do, but apparently it was the most annoying request in the entire world to this lady. She made a huge show of stopping, GLARING at me, and dramatically dumping the noodles out of the container. She very bitchily informed me that I was supposed to tell the lady NEXT to her, who was handing the containers as orders came in, so that she would know to put extra sauce in the bottom. As if that’s the only place sauce can go, and I violated a sacred rule. Let me remind you I have done this every single time I have gone to Cossetta’s, without issue. I felt the rage boil inside me as a black cloud of anger formed between us, but I remembered how Steve said I’ve been picking fights lately with customer service people, so I swallowed my DEFINITELY JUSTIFIED anger, and used the same tone as the lady when I responded with just an, “okay,” and hoped the biting contempt in my own voice got the point across to her. If I was anyone else, or maybe if I was alone, I would have asked to see a manager because her attitude was completely unnecessary and rude as hell. She legit talked to me as if I was a stupid child who ruined her day. To my surprise, Steve was just as mad as I was, and made a couple loud funny comments as we waited at the next section.

The food was delicious, as always. When we got home we watched the Sony E3 conference with Scott, and since I went into it knowing nothing about what’s coming out, I was properly entertained. Some of the games coming out look exciting and fun.

I wish I could say my last classroom days at Parkway have been bittersweet... but they really haven’t. Partly probably because I’m leaving for good, but also partly because I’m just so tired and overworked right now. But there have been a few sweet moments - me teasing down Malik’s hackles when I had to interview him for his 3-year re-Eval (which was simply done by talking to him and asking him questions about his life, which I do often, and embedding the questions I needed to ask within that conversation). Much like when I wrote Harmony’s eval for high school, his is rife with information where I’m lowkey imploring whoever works with him in the future to take heed of his intense needs if they want him to be successful and if they want to have an easy time. He’s a gentle souls who needs so much TLC. He barks loud and can have a good bite, but he’s had so much trauma, so many letdowns by adults, and he’s so damn sensitive. He’s also deep, and funny. I just want people to know that he comes off as so intimidating but he’s a big softy on the inside.

Anyway. My first block was spent getting info out of Malik and eventually helping other kids on their work, and then we went outside. Second block we continued watching Spider-Man: Homecoming while I worked really hard on eval stuff for Idrew and answering emails.

Nokomis was pretty good, just incredibly busy and stressful, more Idrew stuff, consulting with the psychologist and speech therapist, etc. I left at 1:30 to go home, eat lunch and nap (because naturally I couldn’t sleep last night). I went back to the meeting for Idrew at 4, and the meeting got a little intense at times, with Mom getting emotional about different “maybe” diagnoses her son has from Gillette but that we didn’t see in our EXTENSIVE evaluation of him (depression, ADHD). He does qualify for special ed under the Traumatic Brain Injury label after a car accident fucked him up a couple years ago. Which REALLY sucks because the poor kid loves football and is really smart, and not being able to perform in school or sports like he used to just sucks!

I was able to get home around 5:30, and Tyler had bailed on game shopping. Steve suggested that we maybe go to this other game store a bit away, and I was totally down for that! I love little trips to cool places! It ended up being a bust, but Steve *almost* found a couple things he was looking for. In particular he was interested in a game for the Sega CD called Time Gal, and it was definitely one of those games where if he had shown me all the games for sale for the system that day, I would totally have known it was one that he wanted the most. Unfortunately, it was supposedly still sealed and he’s 100% not interested in paying “unopened” prices. What’s the deal with sealed games anyway? Like, anyone can seal games these days, it’d be really hard to prove a game's seal is original, and WHY do people want to own things you’ll never open?? I feel the same about figures. I much prefer to enjoy them as they were meant to be enjoyed.

I really wanted to buy Jocelyn and Elba flowers to say goodbye, especially after I found out that Jocelyn believes that most staff at Parkway don’t like her. It might be true, but I don’t feel that way. She has a hard job, and she has changed a lot of positive things about Parkway’s climate. I appreciate what she has done for the school. So I asked Steve if we could pick up some flowers for the two of them, and while we were on our way to the flower shop I found, I realized we were in the same area we visited before Cayden and Clyde’s birthday party! I suggested we stop at Half Price books after flowers. I bought Jocelyn pink and cream carnations, and Elba lime and orange carnations. I also put them in matching vases with ribbons and bought them cards.

Half price books was also a bust, and Steve was heartbroken that there were 3DO games but no 3DO. Sad face. But still a fun time! Right about then we realized we were quite hungry and we wouldn’t make it back in time for Catrinas, and anything we made at home wouldn’t be consumed for at least another hour. We were right by a Chipotle, and that’s the Catrina’s equivalent. So Chipotle it was! We ate outside and it was sooo nice. <3 I love cute days with Steve, they’re so relaxing and fun.

Oh man you guys, one more week of school left... two more teaching days, two days of retreats, and a field day. It’s all happeningggg!! I’m of course suffocating on all the work I need to do, and I spent my afternoon at Nokomis freaking out, doing testing, typing things up, and generally panicking.

My old co-teacher Jenny reminded me that she was having her annual end-of-the-year get-together at her place, and encouraged me to come. I felt like I should, partly because I haven't seen Jenny in so long outside of work and I know she's gonna miss me, and also partly because I'm not gonna be here next year so I really should get my face time in and not look like I've completely abandoned everyone. I invited Steve along, because he's come before so he knows that it's not demanding, just probably pretty boring for him listening to us talk about teacher stuff the whole time.

I came home and I was so tired and exhausted from not getting enough sleep the night before, so I laid down and snuggled with Nero and napped intermittently while Steve played a game on VR called something like "The American Dream," which is an Australian-made game that parodies the obsession America has with guns, set in 1950's style. You use guns for everything - cooking, watering the garden, pressing buttons, changing diapers, etc. It's like kinda funny but sooo embarrassing. It's dripping with disdain and is very cringey when you think about it, but it was entertaining.

At around 4:30 we headed out to Jenny's. Kristin, Allison and her husband, Denae, Todd, and Jenny's husband Toby were there when we arrived. I made sure that Steve set up our spots NOT by Denae, and Jenny sat on my other side, thank god. We spent most of the time talking about work, as usual. The conversation meandered around, and was pretty relaxing in general. People asked questions of me a lot more than I expected, and it was weird having so much attention on me about like, my knitting and tutoring and stuff. Jenny's so cute and I know she's interested in my life because we worked together all year last year. Later Todd left and Andy showed up. We ended up staying until past 7, and right when we were leaving, Sean called me to ask about yarn for the weaving class next week. She ended up facetiming me, and I had just pulled out from Jenny's, so we had to pull over and swap spots. We talked about the suggestions for the class and I ended up picking a yarn that looked kind of rainbow-y and I told Sean I trusted her judgment for the solid color, and she didn't disappoint. I cannot WAIT for the weaving class, I am so very excited to learn how to weave with a loom!!

On the way home, Steve and I went back and forth about what to eat, realizing we were both so hungry. I was willing to get food from somewhere just because we were so hungry, and I was trying really hard to think of places we could eat without overdoing it, but Steve said something about hummus and crackers, and I remembered that there were a couple of Perfect Bars in the fridge, and voila! A meal. Hummus and crackers were procured from the store, a quick dinner was had, and a cuddle with some Hearthstone rounds out the day.

Wait, it’s already halfway through the week?? That’s both exciting and terrifying. We only have one more real week left of school and I have so much to do, including a lot of things that require me to test students - not just paperwork typing. I’m definitely fucked again this year with regards to filing... getting access to our special ed files is so much hassle and I hate it! I was also quite terrible with progress reports, though I believe I’m not the only one by far so phew. It just means I’ll have a long Monday the 11th getting everything finished. Lucky for me though, since I only have 6th graders I don’t need to freak out as much as other years, since none of my kids’ files are getting sent along to high schools. That was my big issue in previous years, especially my first one (where I had 10 8th graders omg).

My day was spent feverishly trying to test and get emails sent out, and by the end of the day I had a pretty bad headache, so I came home to a waiting Steve and tried to nap away my headache in the dark. The nap was unsuccessful because I realized I wasn’t tired, just low energy and kind of emotional. Eventually I sat back up and did some scrolling until Steve was kind enough to heat us up some dinner, more potato soup. Yummm. When he was gone I started thinking about how grateful I am that Steve has stuck with me, and how strong he is, and how much I love our life and how much I appreciate him. I mean I think that stuff all the time, but seeing Pat and Aimee for some reason really launched my head into a tailspin about how even though it was just 3 months ago, that all that feels like a completely different life, and I feel so divorced from that behavior, and a life without Steve is such a sad, empty, pathetic version of a life that is so pale and colorless. He makes my life so full of happiness and love, and I don’t want a life where he’s not in it. So all of that has been swirling in my head and he brought me down heated up soup and bread and I just started crying. He asked me what was going on and I tried to tell him, I hope I did an okay job. It’s hard to articulate all of my feelings on the matter and they just get so intense that apparently what I do now is cry. Lol.

After I calmed down and we talked about it, we ate our soup and enjoyed Kripp playing some Hearthstone, exactly what I want to be doing with my life, and precisely who I want to be spending that time with. Soon after, Nick came over. We chatted for awhile about this and that, and then put on The Office while Nick continued Uncharted and I got scolded for continuing to scroll and not knit, which was so valid. I really would rather be knitting, I think it’s just that I love the iPad so much, it’s hard to transition away. I knit a good chunk more rows on my LYS shawl. I’m about 1 and a half repeats from doing my first color change. The Hedgehog fibers yarn is GORGEOUS and soft and I love working with it. I continue to encourage everyone to take up knitting, it is such a fine hobby AND YOU GET TO USE WHAT YOU MAKE (or gift it, whichever). Like you make an actual textile and it is amazing, and super impressive to non-knitters. To be fair, a lot of it IS impressive. But still. ;)

YarnHarlot posted an entry recently where she was able to take horrible, cheap dishcloth yarn and weave two very nice scarves out of it, and it has made me even MORE excited to learn weaving with Sean next weekend at Sow’s Ear. Another fantastic use of yarn, can’t wait.

Noah and I texted a bit about our food consumption and MyFitnessPal. Noah is realizing that MFP underestimates calories and overestimates exercise. I explained that with my Apple Watch , my scores get wonky as the watch actually tracks my true activity, which can lower (or raise) my total amount of food to consume for the day. It’s kinda cool but also kinda confusing. I’m just aiming for a specific range at this point until I get a better grasp of my activity levels. But Noah sent me a super cute text that ended with, “thanks for excitedly doing this with me, it’s keeping me motivated to become a thinner dood.” Awwww. It was so sweet, but more starkly put into perspective how he lives in the middle of nowhere with only white racists and teenagers as company, and I want to be a good friend! And you KNOW how much I love a good motivational health regimen. What better way than with friends who need support?!

I forgot to mention yesterday that Steve and I went to Stephanie’s Yoga Flow class for anniversary and that was super good and fun. She moved a bit too fast for my liking, and she was as dopey as ever. I prefer classes with slightly less poses in favor of holding to get a deeper stretch. If you’ve ever tried to hold a pose for even 45 seconds, you know that *less* poses does NOT equal *easier* poses. Moving too fast just means that you can’t settle in, make sure you’re doing the pose correctly, with all its micro adjustments and muscle fatigue. But it was good to go for anniversary, and I really want to find a class that works for Steve. Maybe I’ll take him to hot yoga, since that’s the same poses every time and they are slow and drawn out. But still the opposite of easy.

Now I’m about to head to bed. Nick is still here but I think he def needs to head home relatively soon because he has to work, and Steve will probably stay up playing Owl Boy on the Switch, which we just got in the mail yesterday. Looks good so far!

Tealie is gone for 2 school days, Friday and Monday. For Friday, her sub was Josie, which was nice, because Josie has been subbing at Parkway for like 2 years, and she puts up with a lot of shit. Like, not only are our kids extremely difficult with subs generally no matter what we do, Josie is trans and that concept is very difficult to middle school children. Particularly students living in more "ghetto" areas... and toxic black culture makes it really difficult to accept homosexuality as a general rule, and add in trans issues? Tough. There are a lot of kids who staunchly refer to her as a "he"  I know some change has been occurring, but most of my African American boys still don't even tolerate any male wearing pink (though picking like, pink pencils, pencil pouches, binders etc. is acceptable) and call it gay - what is this, 1985?

Anyway, I let Josie handle the class as a whole because she's persistent, and I got to spend most of the time teaching Malik 2-step equations. I really enjoy teaching 7th grade math, and him knowing he was learning 7th grade math concepts made him try REALLY hard. I made him a folder and put it in a special place and everything and he was so proud. Later in the day Pa sent a picture of a billion tiny pieces of paper that used to be his social studies test, and I found it really funny. Pa is so goddamn annoying, always complaining, and she has just been getting worse and worse. She never sees the humor in what kids are doing and I refuse to play into her negativity. I got so pissed at her for a bitchy email she sent to like 20 people but directed at me (asking a question I had ALREADY ANSWERED HER A FEW DAYS AGO) calling me out, and I started typing up a super angry response before going to one of the school social workers and having her help me write a more professional email. lol.

After I was done at Parkway, I headed out to Saint Paul to meet Bethany and Haley at the place where Bethany decided to order her wedding cake from for, you guessed it, a cake tasting! I knew exactly where it was because MHR (where I worked when I was a mental health case manager) is two buildings down from it. When we walked in, Haley of course got off on the wrong foot with the cake lady by telling her that she was Bethany (after the lady had already addressed Bethany as herself), and she did not find Haley's trickery funny. Then EVERYONE got off on the wrong foot, because the lady noticed that the wedding date is a Wednesday, and said they don't deliver cakes during the week. Bethany countered that over the phone she had been quoted a *delivery* fee and she had given them the date, and they went back and forth a bit with the lady basically saying they only hire drivers for Fridays and weekends, and Haley jumping in now and then to try to push the lady to "make an exception." Both Bethany and I got the vibe that it was non-negotiable, and everyone was annoyed. I was very surprised that Bethany didn't just walk away (she later said she had been considering it), because the woman was LEGIT judging Bethany for having a weekday wedding, saying "no one" gets married in the middle of the week and eventually straight up asked, "So why did you pick that date?" Bethany and Jake picked 8/8/18 because when they started dating, they each owned cars with the license plate 808, and 8/8 happened to fall on a Wednesday.

The cakes we tasted were all very good, my top favorites being lemon, a strawberry/fruity concoction, and a Bailey's/fudge. Bethany said she doesn't really like lemon, but her two favorites were the other two that I liked. The Neopolitan was also good. Bethany wanted a cheaper cake because she and Jaked don't even really care about cake or what it looks like, and I think she did pretty well at $475 for 90 people.

When we were finished with the cake and the humorless woman, it was time for lunch (and clearly me playing hooky... whoops). We went to JSelby's and Bethany got a caesar salad and I got a "philly" (again, everything there is vegan) and it was NOT good. But the chips and dip were fine.

I dropped the other two back off at their cars, and then called Steve and asked if I should go to work for 45 minutes orrrr just come home. We both voted come home. HAPPY FRIDAY YA'LL.

Steve showed me the changes he made to the game room when I got home. He's been cultivating the perfect layout, shifting things around as systems filled up, and now we're to the point that mid-room shelving is necessary, and he'd found a layout he liked. I love going into the game room while he shows me either games, or room arrangements, or we just kind of sit in there and chat. I particularly love just laying out on the floor, and the cats feel the same way. They're not allowed in the game room (we keep the door closed when we're not in there) because they're naughty and will knock everything over, so when WE are in there it's this rare forbidden treat for them to join us. Also I think it's one of the coolest, temperature-wise, in the house. Feels nice and it always smells good in there.



Once we were finished with the game room we decided to walk around the neighborhood doing raids in Pokemon Go, and wandering around the park spinning stops and catching Pokemon. It was really hot out again and we sat in the shade for awhile at the park scrolling between social media and P-Go, and it was just really nice. A lot of people were at the park, the baseball fields, the skate park and there was a family having a graduation party and grilling too. Good vibes. We started getting hungry and couldn't figure out what sounded good, just that we wanted to be outside. I suggested Jamba Juice and Five Guys. Of course I meant "Let's get the Mango Chia seed Jamba drink and eat Five Guys fries because they have a patio and a smoothie isn't enough to sustain either of us." We did exactly that, except Steve also got a burger from 5 Guys. Even if I ate meat, I would not want a five guys burger. They are the most lamest of burgers. We ate our food and caught mmore Pokemon. It was awesome.

Eventually we agreed we were both quite tired and decided to go home and nap. We ended up falling asleep for like, 4 hours. Lol. Then Steve got up and it was like 9:30 and Andy had been texting him all day about coming over for a bonfire. I had initially encouraged him to go, but he was reluctant. When we got up from the nap Steve said he felt like he should go, but I was feeling really tired and lazy and wanted to either go back to sleep or just lay in bed. Steve didn't think he'd be gone that long and I ended up slightly more awake, thinking he'd be home within an hour or two. I just scrolled on my phone and tagged Steve in memes and talked with Bethany and Haley in the group chat, but mostly I was bored and lonely and wished I'd gone if I'd known Steve was gonna be gone so long (but I also was enjoying being in bed, god is it nice not to have to leave lol). Steve got home around 12:30am, which was pretty late considering we plan to get up early enough to beat the rush at Birchwood Cafe for breakfast. It was nice having him home again, and a very cuddly sleep ensued, and quite easily considering how much we'd already slept!

Today found us completely unprepared to be adults. I wasn't able to get out of bed until 7:05, which is completely terrible for me but the cuddles were TOO good to pass up.. so snuggly. I was also up in the night with heartburn, and I had a thousand random nothing dreams that could have been real life mundane situations. We STILL had no coffee and we also didn't have breakfasts or lunches prepared. Nice.

Got to work at 7:30 on the dot somehow, but of course I walked all the way up the hill to discover I left my key card in the car, so Ihad to go all the way back down. Gym time was kind of annoying, the boys were all amped up at each other. Thankfully Todd has been coming down because he's got that louder man voice and also the man size so he can intervene much better. When it's just two boys I will step in (lord knows how many times I restrained kids or made myself a physical obstacle during my first two years), but when it's a group of them, the feeling of being ineffective is overwhelming. I realized that I've had to break up so few fights this year that I feel out of practice, which is a good thing, but it's a really strange feeling. Last week I stepped inbetween a couple of boys in math and realized how WEIRD it felt to be positioning myself between kids. I'm happy that it's not part of my daily job now, but it also makes me feel like I'm not prepared/ready.

Tealie and I had the kids present their projects no matter how much they had done. It was really awkward for some of them, having basically nothing even after a week of work. This is the second week in a row where we've been strict with the guideline of no extra time, so hopefully by the end of the next project the kids will get it.

I just could not wait to get out of there. Unfortunately for me but awesome for Steve, he decided to go in to work today. He got his background check back this morning and decided he would put in his two weeks' notice in person, which meant I wouldn't see him when I stopped home. Booo! But happy for him. He now knows he'll start on June 4, and he'll have a week off between jobs which is awesome. Yay!

Nokomis was pretty uneventful, only Jeremy came down today (Leon was absent and the girls were in lesson), so it was pretty quiet. He didn't have a bunch of work to do and he really doesn't want me to help him with anything unless expressly asked, so on the math stuff I have for him he only let me read the word problems and talk him through those. The 2nd and first grade girls were fine, and the kindergarten boys were same as always (bickering, whiny). My principal came in to congratulate me again and say she was so happy for me, and that she's going to miss me and that if my circumstances change in the future to come back and work for her, which again is a high compliment from her. She told me my going-to-be principal was poached by ISD 622 and that they better have offered me what I'm worth (even though she KNOWS that contracts don't actually work like that haha).

I left as soon as I possibly could because I was so tired all day that I was dizzy and disoriented. I just really have not been sleeping well. I came home and took ibuprofen for a headache and flopped into bed with Nero. Then Steve, Nick and I went game shopping. It was a bust, but fun to walk around and talk. We chatted about Game of Thrones, and how Noah asked the meanest memory card question yet that I have ZERO answers to. Got Catrinas and went to play Pokemon Go.

After we got back, Nick played Uncharted 2, Steve played more Prince of Persia and I tooled around on the computer, looking up iPads and LJ icons. It was super relaxing. I really wanted to knit too but I think my fingers need a day or two off, they're pretty sore and achey.

Steve and I dropped Nick off around 9:45 and caught a couple more Pokemon. We stopped at Cub to FINALLY get coffee (and snacks for my math kids). We were in a really silly place, just goofing off and laughing. It's been really nice and fun with him, he's so damn funny and I've been in some goofy moods lately. Like just joking and teasing, and somehow Steve is ALWAYS in the car when my low gas warning comes on, which is always funny. He pumps my gas for me most of the time because he knows how much I appreciate it, and he thinks I time it on purpose to need gas when he's in the car but I swear I DON'T!!!!! Lmao. It never gets old.

Another day, another fail at waking up. However, the difference here is that I was able to wake Steve up in time for him to shower (and for me to lay in bed for 15 more minutes because I'd showered at night), and actually sit up with coffee. That was nice, minus the fact that I pretty much dreamed all night about heartburn I was having in real life, and woke up a bunch of times in burning pain. Ugh, awful. Heartburn is the worst. Also I stayed up until basically midnight because I am stupid as hell and midnight is the time my body naturally wants to go to bed, even though I am supposed to wake up at 5:30.

The morning was interesting, Vincente just got back from a week trip to Florida and came back with a terrible potty mouth and complete lack of respect for basically everyone. I redirected his nasty comments for about 10 minutes before I told him I needed to take him to reset so we could get a handle on it. He's funny because he will curse up a storm around me, tell me no, and ignore my requests for him to stop, but he has never actually sworn at me or NOT come with me when I've laid down a consequence. So I went in Tealie's room to grab write-ups for him, Malik and Isaiah (who were also fucking around). I always do these things matter-of-factly like, "Well fine, I guess this is the choice, I wish you made a different one now both of our lives are going to get temporarily derailed brb" and not like "YOU ARE PUNISHED I AM MAD." While I was getting the write-ups they were still goofing off, and Brian made the mistake he does of getting involved, and he fucking opens the door (disrupting Tealie's morning meeting) to ask if I was handling the situation EVEN THOUGH I could hear all three boys yelling that I was taking them to Reset. And then proceeded to bitch at me about their lack of listening. Which, again, I told Malik and Isaiah to go into Tealie's room and I would be back for them when I was finished with Vincente (we process with one kid at a time for obvious reasons), and they went and Tealie said Malik was good once he was in the room and Isaiah walked out once but came back. Pretty good for them.

When we were in Reset, Vincente was acting pretty petulant (again, more around me than at me) but he answered my questions and we would meander away from the topic and come back to it as I asked questions about his trip. I didn't figure out why he was being so rude, but we talked about his behavior in general and his mood and developed a plan to get back on track. He still was struggling with his rude behavior towards both peers and staff on the way back to class, but once we got in the room, his behavior returned to normal and he was in a pretty good mood and joked around with us and eventually got started on some work. He's proably overwhelmed from missing so much school, and it's hard to build up the resolve to catch up when you're so behind. Halfway through class, a behavior point sheet showed up for him from Brian, which we scored together at the end of class.

Tealie has been teasing other boys for copying Malik's habit of wearing his hood up. Malik's hood is not a battle I fight, because he doesn't make his hood an issue. When Jocelyn said she was going to be strict about hoods, I did have him meet with Elba when he refused to adhere to the expectation, and nothing changed, so I assumed it was okay for him specificially. I'll write it into his IEP for next year that he can have his hood with no penalty, because it's such a frickin SMALL thing. Anyway, boys copy Malik by wearing their hoods now (but NEVER say "But Malik gets to!!" when called out), and Tealie has found that by pointing it out ("Wow, you must really look up to Malik to copy him!" etc.) their hoods magically come off when we're not looking. Haaa. It's hilarious.

For 2nd block I had promised the kids we'd go outside today because it's supposed to be cold and rainy tomorrow (for Fun Friday), and even though it was a little chilly, we stuck it out. The first group were silly and being kids playing tag while Chanel and I talked, and the 2nd group was only 4 of them and they were playing on the swings and then demanded I take pics of them.



Elijah (2nd from the left) made these funny faces for every pic. They are all so goofy. Dyshawn there on the right trying to look tough but he's just as young in his heart too. The other day he hurt himself messing around and asked me to rub his shin and when I refused, he pulled a tablecloth over his head, said "RIP Dyshawn" and later rose up as a zombie version of himself. He also asks me to push him on the swings every day. XD I LOVE MIDDLE SCHOOL!!

After that I ran quick to Nokomis, talked with a couple people about my leaving at the end of the year, and then I met Steve for lunch. Lunch was good, we had Naf Naf Grill. If you have a Naf Naf in your area and have never been there, GO! Their hummus bowls are to die for, especially if you add couscous or rice. A bowl is the way to go because they give you a pita anyway!! Like, why get a pita if you can have a bowl AND a pita?! Their falafel is delicious as are the sauces, and don't even get me STARTED on the pickles. Tasty. Since Steve is quitting soon he took full advantage of an hour and that was really nice. I love seeing him in my day, it really helps me survive and picks up my mood.

When I got back to Nokomis I mostly putzed around until my meeting at Parkway. We talked about plans for next year, but I really wanted to leave by 3:30 to pick up Joe Waid, so I left at that time but ran into Hser (student) on the way out. She always has a hug ready for me, and she asked me a bunch of questions about my plans for next year, saying I should look for somewhere I can be full-time again (I haven't told the kids yet of course), and saying I can'tcome work at the high school she's going to because she wants us to be Snapchat/FB friends (she knows I have a policy of not being social media friends with active students, though I allow them to message me if they have questions or things for me). Then she told me she's going to really need help with math next year and we need to set up "dates" after school. Awww. I love Hser. She also talked about how she doesn't like Steph (music) or Jen (bitch I also hate) and that Jen makes her meet with her as the school counselor and Hser said she makes it a point to tell Jen that me and Nicki are her favorite teachers for a variety of reasons.

Andy caught me on the way out, telling me all the reasons why he has been thinking about the fact that I'm leaving next year and how he turned down a sweet position because he thought he was building a program and now Jocelyn is trying to mix ASD and EBD and now his ASD students aren't getting any services and he can't select his own staff anymore and Jocelyn isn't following through on disciplining shitty staff etc. etc. etc. All points I have also voiced and was frustrated with. We talked about it, standing by my car for another half hour, mostly him venting all the things I agree with. It ended with him telling me to keep an eye out for an ASD position.

I picked up the Joe Waid and we met Steve at home. We all chatted for a bit, catching up on the general happenings in each other's lives, and then I finished the first of fingerless mitts I'm making for Mom, while Steve started Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands on XBox360 and Joe Waid looked at his phone for awhile before deciding to start Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker. Forgotten Sands looks really good, from my perspective, like a prettier version of Sands of Time on PS2. It has everythign a good Prince of Persia game should, at this point. I'm excited to see how it all plays out.

I was really excited to have finished one glove, until the light caught the ball of yarn. To my extreme dismay, I realized that i had been knitting with blue for the cat heads when I wanted black (my mom and stepdad have 2 black cats). To be fair it's a really dark navy, but the fact still remains. I lamented and mourned for the next hour or so, before resigning myself to the fact that I just have to rip back and start over with black. Ugh. This is coming on the heels of the older ladies in one of my podcasts (2 Knitlit Chicks) saying you never grow out of making dumb mistakes, like knitting with the tail end of your yarn or accidentally getting turned around in your knitting or twisting your yarn when joining ends. It was really funny to listen to, and reminded me of Stephanie Pearl-McPhee (YarnHarlot) telling many a funny mistake story, but when YOU are the one making the mistake, it's the goddamn worst!!! I was really hoping to have them done to like, mail to my mom tomorrow since I'm not seeing her this weekend. Alas, I need to do it right. I can't tolerate blue cat heads. I want gloves she'll be really happy to wear, and black cats are the way to go. Lucky for me I have a 5+ hour drive ahead tomorrow with Steve on down to Madison to rectify and redeem myself.