A Heart's a Heavy Burden

So. As it becomes more and more obvious that teaching is probably not a long-term career for me, I've been trying to figure out what I'm interested in doing next. I've only occasionally given myself the illusion that I could do this for the length of a career. I try to be honest with myself when I can, and in being honest, I don't feel like staying in a job more than a few years is really my thing (and if I'm being TOTALLY honest, I think I don't have the attention span or stamina or something). I don't think it's simply a matter that teaching is hard. I'm not thinking about leaving because it's too hard. It IS too much, for sure. For everyone. It's bullshit the expectations of teachers - of which I'm not going to go into because I think we are all aware of the myriad of problems with the teaching profession (at least I sincerely HOPE you don't have your head in the sand about it) - and everyone gets tired of it eventually. But I find myself unhappy, run-down, tired. I have always burned out on my jobs, whether that's retail, mental health, data entry, anything! This is why I feel like I don't have the stamina. There might be an element of not being able to find the best fit (Ben, for example, LOVES the actual actuary job, but maybe not the climate, or the topic of health insurance), but what could really keep my attention forever?

I know that older generations could be wondering why it matters if I really love my job or not. That I should just suck it up and do it because of the benefits - health insurance, summers, pension. Personally I just don't comprehend how *anyone* could do the same thing for 10, 15, 25 years. I can't imagine that ever being the case for me. I think about Jenny Madden all the time. This is her like 28th year teaching. In SAINT! PAUL! how she has had the stamina for dealing with this shit. And she doesn't even have to!!!!! She can retire at ANY TIME and live comfortably for the rest of her life, and she could have retired YEARS ago. It actually boggles my mind. I want to not work at the earliest possible second.

Part of me thinks that I could continue working in schools, but more on the level like Tealie. Providing behavior support to students and teachers, but not being in a classroom teaching. I found a job posting in a nearby city that perfectly matches my skills and expertise with behavior, and I would have considered applying if I didn't need to finish out this year in order to get some of my loans forgiven. This type of job is a possibility for me because I would 100% not need to take work home with me, and I would still get to think on my feet and be adaptable, and the part I love best about teaching - the kids. Right now I don't have the space to connect with students the way I want to, because it feels like the academics need to take priority. I only really deal with teaching (which I enjoy teaching, but only in reinforcing concepts or small groups. I hate planning and developing) and with crises. No middle ground really. I would want to get a position that isn't a step down, like not just a behavior interventionist, more like on the adminstrative end; the higher ups. And I know for a fact you can be in an admin position right after being a teacher - Tealie did it, and so did a couple of teachers here in a couple roles. I think the expectation is to complete some sort of admin license (in most places), but the one job offer I found that was really good and matched me perfectly, it said that a Master's in SpEd qualifies so I wouldn't necessarily NEED more schooling (hopefully, because i'm absolutely not going add more to my student loans). Otherwise I really wish I could find a middle school-age teaching position that works only with small groups on reinforcing and practicing concepts instead of being the primary teacher. I don't think that exists. lol. Or maybe that's a para (other than the horrifyingly low pay for the effort that paras put in, the only other thing I didn't like about being a para was that I didn't have an equal say as the teacher).

And I don't really think it's a matter of my coworkers (the fact that I hate most of the 6th grade team and I don't feel connected to anyone here in particular). Like, it was really nice in some ways to feel so close to colleagues at Parkway and develop these continuing friendships after we've moved on, but in some ways I hated being close to people at Parkway. Lol. It meant I felt obligated to them or I was more sensitive to their criticism. But it also meant that I felt cared for and genuinely appreciated. I dunno. But I don't think going to a different school will change anything. The problems in education/teaching appear to just be consistent problems with the American (and actually, apparently, the Minnesotan) education system. Minnesota still doesn't use common core for math and I think our kdis are even more behind than most other states. Teachers who come here from out of state are appalled at how little our students know. I don't know what factors of the required instruction, poverty levels, immigrant levels, etc. affect it, but it's stressful.

Otherwise I've been really thinking hard about whether there's a way to work in food. Like, micro/urban farming. I'm really into local and organic produce, especially in such a difficult climate like mine. We have the U of MN and other local colleges that dedicate lots of time and effort into developing sustainable practices, and we also have people who've been living here for many generations invested in sustainable living, both white and not. We have a very large Hmong population, and while I don't think most of them are "certified" organic, anyone who's not a reseller typically doesn't appear to use chemicals. We have an indoor produce market in Hmong Village all year round, so obviously someone can do SOMEthing during our long, hard winters. I'm also very into cooking and making delicious food. Not in a restaurant or anything, just... in general. I love learning about food and cooking and think I might want to do something in that vein? My initial plan with that is to do some volunteering or interning this spring or summer locally so that I can learn more and see if anything is a good fit.

I think that Cafetalk - which I have all but abandoned* - wouldn't be a good fit because not only is it still teaching (prep, preparing, planning, creating), it's very individual teaching. I know that a lot of people on there basically teach on a script, and I tried to do that, but it's not in my blood. It's impossible for me not to see the individual needs and tailor instruction. It's like, I literally CAN'T one-size-fits-all my teaching. So I end up putting in a crazy amount of work the more students I get. So it's the same problems I have now with instructional teaching.

Of course, I'm super interested in knitting stuff and Steve asked me recently if I thought I'd start writing patterns. I don't think my brain works that way - I can do charts for images but I don't think I am risk-taking enough to deconstruct the process of making something from scratch. But just like many others, I would like to be my own boss in some capacity. I enjoy podcasts and all that kind of thing. I like writing blogs. However, I know it's an insane amount of work and I have cycles of motivation and depression (I assume all entrepreneurs do to some extent), I'm not like, a picture-taker or social media guru (nor do I have interest in being a promoter/Youtuber/personality). So I don't even know if there's anything in the "entrepreneurial" arena, but it's something that's kind of always in the back of my mind. Right now I'm coming up with nothing with regards to what I could "sell" or "market" but I'm also at work and haven't had a lot of time for thinking. I'm also super curious about those jobs no one thinks about. Kind of a la Dirty jobs, without the extreme dirtiness of it. Like I just listened to a podcast recently where they had a guest who randomly decided to get into the sheep-shearing industry, and how it was nothing like she thought it was but people are super needed. Stuff like that. It's knitting related because wool. I'm realllly on an "old-world, natural" kind of kick. Getting back to the roots, the traditional or hands-on means of production.

And Steve too, he's dealing with dissatisfaction with his job as well. I feel bad because I think I'm just generally more vocal and articulate about my needs and issues, and I have a history of jumping from job to job, so I think maybe he tries to suppress his own struggles or has difficulty talking about them because we're often dealing with my changing needs. It's not working for the U as far as I know; I think it's the type of job. He doesn't like to manage people at all, and that's what a lot of his job is - being a middle man, reminding people to do their jobs, reporting on people who AREN'T doing their jobs, and giving presentations and getting feedback. I think he'd much prefer to just work with applications and do analysis. Analyzing things - spreadsheets and data - and making processes more efficient are his specialties. He's not competitive in the workplace and he doesn't like office gossip and venting. So he wants to try to figure out where he should go next. The good news for him is that he currently has a job with a university that will literally allow for him to take a new program, free of charge. And if he can get another bachelor's (if that's the path he chooses) and stick it out a bit longer, he can get a Master's at a super discounted rate. I think he'd be happy going back to school because he loves learning and getting new info. But I don't know if he has a real idea of WHAT he'd like to do. And he didn't go to a traditional university for his undergrad so it'd be a pretty different experience for him. I think if he can get used to the fact that he's now the Old Guy on campus in his classes, that he'll have a good time once he decides on something. I miss seeing the passion on his face and the excitement from taking on new challenges.


*whoops. A couple of my students took some time off and so I did too, and then anxiety first rpevented me from going back and then it's like, I've been really busy most weekends (when my lessons typically are) and so it's not been very feasible to try to open up any lessons. I feel bad, especially because I'd been working with Riria for 3 years and Shinpei for more than one year, but I don't think I can do it right now. Mental health, time, and all.

Today was my last LAST day at my jobs. First I went to Nokomis and moved all my stuff out. I was smart about this time and packed everything up nicely and was able to get basically everything easily into my trunk. I was surprised at how little I was taking, and proud of myself for not haphazardly throwing things in and taking things I’ll definitely never use. Then it was over to Parkway, where mostly I just chatted with people, looked for my iPad, and gathered what little I had in Tue’s and Tealie’s rooms.

It was very weird and a little sad to walk away from Parkway for the last time as a teacher. It was actually pretty surreal, I mean it’s the place I’ve had the longest time with in my whole life, job wise, and the only solid place I’ve worked as a teacher. It’s so weird to think I’m going to be somewhere completely different, with a whole different set of colleagues, in just a few short months.

Then I went to hot yoga and Hannah was subbing. It was great, but I am so sore from doing yoga yesterday! It’s crazy how much I’ve regressed, but it always feels good to do yoga. Steve and I ate Catrina’s right before I went to yoga, and we went a littler later than expected because nick was late, so my tummy was soooo full of tacos and made it hard to do compression poses because I was at risk of vomiting all of it back up. But otherwise it was really good.

The rest of the night was chill! I honestly don’t remember much of anything else! END OF AN ERA!!

I made the mistake of staying up past 11 last night, and this morning I could NOT drag myself out of bed. It was basically impossible. Thankfully I had my work training today, and even though it started the same time as school, I was still able to sleep in a lot later somehow. Probably because I didn't put on any makeup or shower, and I wore a hat. lol.

Brian was harassing me about some special ed documents over email before I left, and then he CALLED ME even THOUGH he knew I was at my training. TWICE. I was sitting in the very front and the trainer lady kept standing DIRECTLY behind me breathing down my neck (and spent a lot of time just being by our group), and Brian did not help my case. I definitely got the feeling she was trying to intimidate me somehow, and I'm really not one to be messed with when it comes to that stuff. I was knitting the whole time, but I was also doing the work. I didn't need to look at my work, and I ended up starting and finishing an entire fingerless glove today, and it was the first time I'd ever knit a glove starting with the thumb and attaching it to the ribbing. The yarn I'm using is gorgeous and vibrant; it's a hand-dye I got at the Sow's Ear.


We were surely the most remedial group (me, Tealie, and Rachel): Tealie can NEVER not talk at things, I was knitting, and Rachel is a space cadet. It was a pretty redundant training anyway. We did get our next project updated using their conceptual framework and added into their resources page, so we weren't total jerks.
Oh, and if you want to see my classroom (with the lights on, ew - we NEVER have the lights on) and Tealie, here's a short video that was filmed of her last week!

We had to leave a bit early to go to Jocelyn's budget meeting. It DOES sound like they got the money for a half time Montessori coach, so Tealie's gonna see what that's about. Steph was clearly upset about the Montessori 101 class and something else to do with electives, but Parkway isn't losing much staff positions next year, and the ones they're losing are due to misuse of funds anyway. She didn't let anyone know who is leaving, and I finally got the opportunity to tell Jenny that I was leaving. She had a Jenny-style sad reaction (a little tearful) and said she's extra sad because she had been secretly hoping I'd be able to co-teach with her next year. A high compliment, I must say. Jenny is such a sweetheart and I miss her a lot. But she understands, and is supportive and happy for me.

I came home, texted with Bethany and Haley about food, weight loss and Haley's boy drama before kind of napping for an hour and a half while Steve played ITG. He improved some tough scores and I'm disappointed I wasn't awake for them, but I'm proud of him and there will be other times. I was too tired to function!

Dinner tonight was rice and canned indian for Steve, and a homemade tofu soup for me (with broccolini, napa cabbage, carrots, and bok choy), an herb and greens salad with Drew's roasted garlic and peppercorn dressing, and a little bit of rice and tamari.



After this, we're gonna have a little date of playing a bit of Rummikub and then reading some of Ben's book in bed. Hopefully we'll get some real Z's tonight. It's gonna be tough to leave this spot though because of this huge orange purr machine nestled deep against my arm.

I started taking SAMe a little over a week ago... my doctor brought it up awhile ago but I know there are conflicting reports on efficacy of improving depression. Haley started taking it at the beginning of the month, along with a bunch of other supplements, and she reported really "feeling" it in her system and freaking out and not liking that it made her feel different. I thought it would be interesting to take for comparison.

So far what I've noticed is that I appear to be MORE depressed since beginning to take it. Interestingly, SAMe can increase symptoms of mania in people who have bipolar disorder. I mean, I can't conclusively say that the SAMe is what's making me feel worse. I just don't feel any *better* at this point. Although I do kind of pendulum more than I used to. For example, this morning at Parkway I was actually in a really good mood. Kids were just being funny and adorable and cute and I remembered why I fucking LOVE middle school kids.

Then I got into an argument with the ELL lady at Nokomis and normally I don't get so mad but she was really pissing me off. I hate that it's hard for me to explain or articulate WHY I don't think this particular student needs special ed services - at least in the moment, I know I sent a really good explanation via email a few months ago - HOWEVER, he only receives LANGUAGE services and he's NOT on my caseload so I got pretty heated that this lady was coming at me asking for "numbers and data" when he's not even my kid!!! Also why the hell did she ask me for his IQ when she should KNOW that we don't take a formal IQ on non-native English speakers?? I just don't like her. She annoys me. I also deleted a bunch of really boring rant about testing and her being more of a bitch! So boring.

We met as Montessori staff on Friday to discuss "where we are at and where we want to go" with Montessori at Parkway. It became clear that we are not being taken seriously as a Montessori and we can't compete with OWL because they have a high school. It's this vision that's too big and we're not supported. We opened with a quick-write about what our dreams were when we started at Parkway. I couldn't wait for Kareem to speak, and he didn't disappoint - he told this analogy of the donkey who carried a load of salt across a river, and it melted away, so the next time his owner put wool on his back and he almost drowned. He said that it's "easier" this year because he's tired of fighting and would rather have the salt on his back. That for the last 4 years we've had wool on our backs and he would rather go home and be able to focus on his home life "and not going to Kinko's at 2am." Everyone else echoed that sentiment, but of course there are others who say we will always be fighting and they want to fight.

I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. Not when it's not just a hard fight, it's an impossible mountain. It's just a fact. I'm not being defeatist about it: someone or some people lied - whether it was just to us or to our old principal or both, we were lied to about the district's intentions and everyone is being let down. Tealie will definitely at least have offers before the end of the year. I'm waiting to see what Melissa says once she gets her budget... can she offer me full-time, or even .8 or .9?? But I'm looking elsewhere anyway, because even though elementary is in some ways a lot easier/calmer, I am, in my soul, a middle school/junior high teacher. 11-15 are just the best ages.

I hope think my depression is related to my unhappiness at my job. Historically speaking, this is the longest I've ever stayed in a position by far (4 years). The longest otherwise I've ever worked for a specific place was 2 years with People Inc. for mental health, but even with that I moved laterally within the company and worked for a different location after a year (though I probably would have stayed for awhile in the position I was in if my hours hadn't been eliminated and I was forced to apply to a different position that ended up being WAY better). Once I get that itch, it's impossible to ignore.

And I started writing this before I left for the day, and now I'm home and I think I got my final sign:



We as a staff are literally getting point sheets, basically. Click for a better view. But it is micromanaging to the extreme. This kind of thing makes me immediately say I'M OUT.



I've been taking a LOT of depression naps lately (no energy) and doing a lot of moping. I'm probably also depressed because of my knee problems and as a result I haven't been active in a month. I have an appointment with the orthopedist on Thursday.

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

So... Being too busy has begun to get to me, heh. On Sunday night I got more anxious than I have been in quite some time and I didn't fall asleep until just before Steve came to bed around 3am (He took a 5-day weekend to use up his remaining vacation time before the year ends), and then of course when he woke me up the anxiety cycle restarted. I ended up calling in Monday and yesterday, to catch my breath and also to spend some time with Steve. I mean, I still had school on Monday, and I had a chiro appointment that I ultimately skipped, but it was still good to actually get sleep on not be stressed with the new trimester. I'm definitely over all the rules and controlling of Bath and Body works. I can't wait to be done. I just am not interested in the way it's run, especially with that one manager I simply can't stand. She's rude. And omg my time is so busy. Ughhghghhghhh.

So instead I got to play copious amounts of Rock Band 3!

Pat told me yesterday that it was "refreshing" to have someone who consistently wanted to do vocals. I was surprised because I feel like a bossy twat whenever I'm on vocals, simply because I don't like to do anything else. Guitar Hero I can play on guitar, and I was quite good at it at one point when I lived at Dan's parent's house and played with Michael, but for some reason it just isn't the same on Rock Band. Probably because there's soooo much repetition of notes versus variety. I just HATE the guitar. And let's face it, I am not a drummer. I like to sing, and I can USUALLY figure out pitch. Whenever ANYONE (usually female) asks to sing when I'm being vocals, I get all stiff like they think I'm hogging them and I need to share. I think I might be paranoid. XD

That 70's Show is so good. We've switched back to that being out background show. And omg Breaking Bad is amazing. We finally started the 5th season and it's GREAT.

I'm dyeing my hair Christmas colors this time... I was originally going to do a pink/green/purple or pink/green/blue combo, but then Steve pointed out that it's the holidays, so we got some red and I'm working on the colors right now! I'll post a pic when finished.

When I was at school on Monday, the professor asked for a show of hands who planned to do the hybrid program (mostly online), or the traditional program (once a week face-to-face). Most people raised their hands at hybrid. The class was about half that of when we started. This is due to a combination of people dropping out of the program with a smattering of people who didn't need the course. It was weird. My 3 favorite people were still in it, so I sat by them this time so I didn't have to get stuck with annoying guy. Anyway, during the break one of the students talked with the professor about the differences in the programs, and apparently the professor told them that while the face-to-face program does require the attendance commitment, there's a lot less busy work and most of the work is done in class. Ugh. WHYYY SO MEAN!?!?!? I mean, I get it. They want to make sure students are learning when not attending class so they assign a bunch of things. Is attending a class once a week a good trade-off for not having a ton of independent work? I'm so torn!

P.S. the urologist called back with my test results and said that even though my numbers were far improved, I was still showing some of that bacteria they don't want, so it's back to no sex for a couple weeks and a mega dose of medication. AND another follow-up appointment. Woo.

It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

( Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.

Apparently even if my old colleagues really want me at MHR, administration doesn't. I appear to have burned a bridge with them by leaving, and it hurts something fierce. But! In my sorrow I have applied to a minimum of 17 other jobs since Friday or so. I HAVE to have a different job before the end of the month or I might go crazy. It would be awesome if I could just take some time off when school starts and look for jobs then, but we need my piddly income for any 'fun' stuff we may do. Sigh... In the meantime, I desire to burst into tears/storm out at least three times a day. Woot!

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It's amazing that, after several horrible weeks with temperatures 95 degrees or above, a day where it's 84 degrees at its hottest point doesn't even make me break a sweat. In the morning it was 78 and it felt downright chilly. Such is the power of acclimation.

I've been spending my time over the past couple days reading It by Stephen King, mostly because it's been smiling slyly at me for many a moon, and artly because sooo many people had a cow during and after reading it. I'm skeptical of their loud views, because I can't really imagine SK being any different in his vulgarity than any of his other books. The worst thing I have ever read was a description in Different Seasons of an ex-Nazi soldier killing a cat in an oven. Typically I literally skip anything that describes an animal mutilation because it is just Too Much for Me (human mutilation, on the other hand, is perfectly stomachable), but I fucked up hardcore in that book, and it ruined my life. But I have a suspicion that AFTER reading the cat's death was when I resolved not to read the section of vivid animal torture.

I digress.

I'm almost halfway (the book is 1074 pages hardcover), and so far it feels like classic King. I haven't been scared thus far really, though I expected it as most of his older works haven't had that effect on me (though Misery is still probably the scariest book I've read by him, where there was a part that literally made me jump, I was that absorbed in the scene), not to mention I remember seeing the movie a couple times as a child and not being afraid. I've enjoyed the character development and the way the book has woven together up to this point. I've reached a turning point for the characters and I'm excited to find out what lies around the next corner.

Otherwise I'd been holding my breath for the transitional case manager position at MHR, and when I heard nothing I checked the site to see if maybe they were waiting for me to apply online as well, and to my horror the position was gone! After I talked to them and everything! I was very dismayed at first, but then I clicked on a new position up which was titled Senior Case Manager. I was curious and clicked on it, and it appears to be the Transitional position under a new name. A new name that sounds WAY cooler omg. I immediately applied and followed up on facebook with two of my connections, hoping it'll get me an interview. My stomach is all jumpy and nervous, and I really, desperately want it. I want to pull my goddamn hair out at work constantly. I'm suffocating and you have no idea how badly I just want to tell them to fuck off. I cannot WAIT to put in my two weeks (but then I KNOW those two weeks will be hell while everyone hates me). Just want outttt.

Job hunting sucks. But I greatly improved my resume tonight.

In other news, I learned yesterday that my friend Mikey's mom died a short while ago. If you recall, Mikey is my friend who killed himself in January of '09, right after leaving a small group party (read: 4 people) we were both at. His mother struggled immensely in the aftermath of his death (he really was a most wonderful person and I'm glad I told him so like a billion times that night), and while I don't know for certain as it is rude to ask such details, I am fairly sure that she chose the same path he did. She was only 41/42 years old. I sympathize dearly with the surviving son/sibling. I hope he does not choose to follow in their footsteps. Very tragic.