A Heart's a Heavy Burden

It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

( Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.

Last night, winter tried again to be successful. There was about 4 inches of snow on the cars this morning and Steve said he was 20 minutes late to work because of the traffic. It is quite slooshy outside as the temperature is in the mid-20's and the snow is fluffy. The worst was that it freezing rained before it snowed, so I ran my car for like 20 minutes to get it at least melted off the windows - the scraper wasn't helping.

This weekend I spent mostly to myself, even when I was with people. We hung out at the bropartment on Saturday evening but I just sat quietly and read the third book of the Hunger Games. Well, I DID almost put Scott's head through a wall. He chews SO LOUDLY in normal life (one of my MAJOR pet peeves), but that night he decided to chew gum so it was NEVER ENDING. Right when I was about to move entirely across the room, he spit it out. Thank god. On Sunday I picked up the nanny kids, seeing them for the first time in almost 2 years, and we went back to my place and watched Avatar: The Last Airbender the whole time. They played with the kitties and laser pointers, but were generally very quiet and well-behaved. It was a marked change from the endless energy they had as 6-year-olds, that's for sure! But it was probably a rare change for them being able to watch hours of tv on a cold, dreary winter day. When I picked them up, the only comment I got was from Micah, who said I looked different (which I do - last time we were together I was blond and didn't have a nose piercing). Jen, their mom, ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was very sweet. I'm babysitting them again on February 5th, probably doing the exact same thing with the kids.

On Saturday Jenna and I went to the townhome place, and were immediately disappointed when we discovered that the woman we talked to messed it up and our appointment wasn't on the lady, Anna's, calendar. However, we sat in their "business office" while we waited (it has a computer with high-speed internet, copy/fax machine, and some plush chairs, all for tenant's free use) and went over the floor plans again and wrote down our top 5 choices. We also discussed several things regarding our desires and where our cars will go, etc. We each have a vehicle, but Steve has a station wagon and Jenna drives a CRV, so Nick and I would likely get any garage space anyway because we drive sedans.

Interestingly, when shown paper copies of the floor plans and when Anna pointed out that if both bedrooms have connected bathrooms guests will have to go into someone's bedroom to use the facilities, our top choices changed. We looked at two units. Both were decent, but we fell in love with a two-level called Lakeland. It's actually three levels as the townhome itself sits above a MASSIVE garage that could comfortably fit three cars (but is designed for two). Also, I know this is probably taken for granted by most, but it has ITS OWN GARBAGE AND RECYCLE BINS!!!!! This is HUGE because my current apartment DOES NOT have recycling, and I hate it. Also we have to bring our garbage down to a scary dumpster about a hundred feet away from our apartment, so Steve is usually the one who does that as I don't feel safe going that far by myself. Especially because it gets dark so early now. And it's cold.

Anyway, it's a little over 1300-square feet, and there's a living room as well as a den, with the kitchen inbetween. There's a washer and dryer in a closet in the den. The kitchen is compact - designed to be able to spin in a circle to use all the counter space without having to feel burdened. There's a breakfast bar surrounding the kitchen too. The next floow has the bedrooms. Jenna and Nick will be getting the "master" bedroom (13'6x14', whereas ours will be 12'x13') and the connecting bathroom. Because they have a linen closet in their bathroom, Steve and I will get the majority of the closet between the rooms. Steve and I will have individual closets (this unit doesn't have walk-ins, which is fine) in the bedroom. The biggest downside is that it's only 1.75-bath, so Steve and I only get a shower stall. This is only a burden because we shower together as routine, and there's not a lot of room XD

As for the pet policy, on paper it doesn't state the cats have to be declawed. We're still debating on telling them or just sneaking the cats in. But Anna loved us and we talked video games and boyfriends and what we like about living spaces. We signed a Future Occupancy Agreement that states that if a unit becomes available in the months that we specified (May-September) we will take it up to a certain price (which we listed at $1400, but Anna said we will pay around $1200-$1250 maximum). Then we had lunch with the boys and squee'd over how amazing the townhome is and how gorgeous and how much we all want to move RIGHT NOW. But even if we could, it's just not feasible or smart to move in the winter. So we wait.

On top of this, Steve and I had a very serious talk about my job this weekend, and it was decided that I'm going to quit. I plan on telling my supervisors by the end of the week. Originally Steve and I thought a month would be sufficient time for them to tie up the loose ends, but today while looking through my schedule I decided it would be best to work through the end of February, just so we'll all have a little less stress. The job is very dictated by the months. We debated the merits of doing those last two months to make my one year, but I don't think I'll be able to hold it together until then. I'm cracking already as it is. I have begun applying to various retail positions in the interim (the most exciting at the Hustler store in Minneapolis - I've ALWAYS wanted to work at a specialty store like that), as well as hospital and paraprofessional jobs. I loved my job as a para even if the school system's kind of a bitch, and Steve got really excited because he thought it was great when I was a para. I only ever left the job because I couldn't drive the 40 miles to Shakopee and back every day anymore once I moved.

But I've decided that I am done with mental health, probably forever. At least with adults. I love mental illness in theory, but hate it in practice. Haha. I also don't feel as bad leaving now that they fired an amazing colleague for fraud. She has a domestic partner, like a LEGAL domestic partner, but he's male. She had him on her insurance as it had the option, but when they found out he was male they flipped out and said it was only for SAME SEX domestic partners and that it was HER choice not to get married. And said she committed fraud. And fired her. It's bullshit and they're losing a great worker and person. Oh, and she's 8 months pregnant. And will have no benefits at the end of this month. Nice.

I know it's risky to not have a job already lined up, but with the time I have left and the nature of the job, prospective employers won't be happy to earn I have over a month left, and I don't have a lot of time to job hunt. Steve and I have enough money to float on for at least a month or two, and we'll be getting our tax returns in a couple months. My history with finding jobs is in my favor, but there's still the fear of not having one. And I won't have benefits for awhile. Getting my IUD then was a good move.   

Last week I had all-day trainings on Thursday and Friday. They were super awesome and helpful, and half the people there were from my company, and 75% of those were from my specific location. The first day I was ultra crabby and tired from having been kept up by Grim all night, and I fully intended on being antisocial and spending the lunch hour sleeping in my car. Somehow I ended up with the MHR clique, and then life got better from there. On Friday after the training, I had to drive home from Minneapolis in rush hour, pick up Steve, and drive back in WORSE rush hour (because of the omgsomuch construction), and then wait in line outside to get into the venue because they were running a half hour late. The concert itself was amazing, and Lights is adorable. I fell more in love with her at the concert. She has a very cute stage presence and is clearly there because she enjoys it. The venue was really small and cozy. Afterwards we waited outside in the cold for 45 minutes so we could get an autograph. We were almost at the front of the line to begin with, so the majority of the waiting was just her changing and getting prepped for a billion autographs. She came out in an adorable winter coat (many people were in t-shirts and even I was just in a thin, zip-up hoodie) because it was DEFINITELY cold by 10:45pm in Minnesota. I got a signature on her album, and Steve and I each got to give her a hug! Yay! We're pretty much BFFs now ;)

On Saturday Steve and I went to Nick's sister's for a Halloween party, like we have done since we started dating. I was Catwoman, Faith was Supergirl, Steve, Nick, Scott, and Pat all went as characters from Final Fantas'y tactics. We mostly sat around and talked, and Nick's sister tried to set him up with a girl she worked with who went as a "retro zombie teacher." She came only knowing Megan, and was able to tolerate like 20 people she didn't even know. She was funny and cute, and shares similar interests, and now we all want her in the group regardless of whether Nick dates her. XD Everyone added her to Facebook but we can't Facebook stalk her because she either just got a Facebook, or doesn't put a lot of information to the public (even her pictures are only from Halloween, and she untagged herself in everyone's photos, leaving only ones she took!). Frustrating, but workable, haha.

On Sunday we ran some errands and then went to dinner with my family for Paul's birthday. It was pretty fun.

Yesterday morning after we got out of the shower I noticed Grim standing kinda funny in the corner by the bookshelves. He looked pretty stiff and his tail was shaking like it does when he's straining in the litter box. I pinned him down and felt him all over to see if he'd yelp, and he didn't. Then he walked around a little and made a couple sad meows before laying down, super-stiffly. He did this like 4 different times over the next half hour - he kept laying in positions that he must've thought would trick us into thinking he was comfortable. Like, on his back or side for tummy pets, curling his front paws to be cute, etc. I was not fooled! He was sooo sad and stiff. He was not pleased to get put in the carrier.

The vet said he was blocked but that his bladder wasn't full (aka I'm ridiculously in tune with Grimmy). She said when she went to unblock him that she was shocked at how small his pee hole is. Which is because of the scarring, and was always my worst fear/knowledge. When I clean the litterboxes it has always been very clear which pees were his and which were Nero's. Nero pees grapefruits and Grim pees... like prunes (and Grim used to pee grapefruits). She also said she had thought there was a stone in there because there was so much grit. Poor kitty :( We had a very serious talk about surgery vs putting him down. Actually we had a couple talks about the surgery throughout the day. Lucky for me I didn't have any work appointments yesterday (and I was able to move my Depo appointment to the afternoon) because I spent over 2 hours at the vet and then spent much of the rest of the day crying. I burst into tears at some point while waiting at the vet, started crying reading a magazine at the doctor's office, and pretty much any time I imagined a life without Grim. He's MY AGE in cat years. He is NOT going to die. I cried when I thought about the cost and how I was going to pay for it.

Steve and I talked it over via text all day, and in the end I asked for a personal line of credit from the bank that covers such things as "consolidating debt, tuition expenses, home improvements, and unexpected expenses". I was approved for far more than the surgery will likely cost, and the interest is 11.75% right now vs whatever like 29% on a credit card (or 3). I started to cry when telling the banker about my situation. But I was able to get it under control and she smartly waited until that point to express sympathy or else there would have been for real waterworks and comical inability to understand me. lol.

I spoke with the vet again and she stated that she talked to a surgeon that she trusts very much with the surgery. He works just down the street from the emergency clinic and said he might be able to swing the surgery for almost half the original cost (though I'm not sure how and will find out tomorrow - I am not willing to compromise Grim's pain for cheaper expenses). I am also transferring all of the cats' stuff to that clinic, because I don't trust Banfield and never want to go there again. I scheduled a consult + surgery for tomorrow morning before my appointments, and Steve is working his hardest to get at least a half day so I don't have to do it alone. I could have left Grim at the vet for the next couple of nights for less transportation trauma, but I think he is less traumatized overall by being home. I had to go in the back to get him into his kennel because he wouldn't let any of the techs touch him, and he had the "bad animal" towl over his cage :( I always feel bad because he's so sweet generally. He was VERY hissy and had stuck himself into the corner - for a minute I actually thought he might bite or scratch me, he was so upset. But he didn't and I got him into his carrier with little issue.

He's currently taking antibiotics to prevent infection, buprenorphine for pain (we're good friends with it by this time), and instead of the muscle relaxant he's had in the past, they prescribed him a small dose of an actual tranquilizer usually used to prep for anesthesia, to prevent him from straining and reblocking over the next two nights. I moved all of the cats' items (water, food, litter boxes) to our room. Well, the litter boxes are technically in the hallway but I can see them at all times. I also took away all dry food and give Grim treats after taking his medicine. He has made a permanent residence between the catboxes and the food, and hasn't drank ANY water that I've seen, but at least he is happily eating the wet food. The medicine is an appetite suppressant and can upset kitty tummies so I imagine he just isn't feeling it. He's been high ever since we got home - rubbing on EVERYTHING in his little zone, purring like a maniac if I pet him, wanting lots of pressure-intense pets. He also has spent a lot of time just staring blankly at everything, but not in the listless way as when he was doped up in the past. I would guess he's having some sort of hallucinatory effects, to be honest!

All this has pissed Nero off a great deal, as always. He's only used the litter box once and I haven't seen him eat or drink. Though he often drinks out of the bathtub because there's always water dripping from the faucet. He's mad because Grim smells funny and appears to be "guarding" everything. It's quite amusing to watch. Every so often Grim will get this crazy idea to taunt Nero, so he'll run super-enthusiastically over to him (but not even touch him!), and Nero will freak out and hiss and stumble backwards like a doof and get all offended. But mostly Grim just lays on the ground, perking up if you pet him.

I spent the night just moping in bed, not motivated to do anything but watch Steve play Persona 3 and Tumblr. My dad called me, all concerned because of the most recent Hyperbole and a Half, which I "shared" on Facebook. I explained to him that I HAVE been struggling a lot with depression over the past 2 months especially, but it's nothing new. I just really thought that was an accurate portrayal of what depression feels like. If I didn't have guilt, and the very real knowledge that if I were to allow myself to succumb like Allie and so many other people, life would only get that much harder. I'm a functioning depressive, but that doesn't mean I don't wish with all my heart that I could just lay in bed for weeks or months. I've done it before. But now I am accountable in different ways and it's not really an option right now. So I sulkily continue to sort-of function. But it was adorable that he called and wanted to talk about it. He admitted that he's coming to terms with these types of issues (finally! Around a decade ago he referred to Pam's medication as Quack Pills and scoffed at the idea of counseling), and encouraged me to seek help if I need it. I've been considered medication again, but I don't remember it really helping in the past, and I just don't have time for counseling. It was a pretty good talk, and I swear I like my dad more and more as we age. He's a pleasant man these days.

I had a pretty awful day yesterday and ended up spending almost the entirety of the day at the vet and then the emergency clinic, and most of the time spent inbetween was through moping and sleeping.

Grimmy got blocked up again, and acted the same as last time: tried to pee, sat on the floor, meowed mournfully and gave me reproachful looks. When they looked at him they said he was worse than last time and they'd want to leave the catheter in for a few days. Money spent: $310. Then they recommended taking him to a 24-hour clinic nearby so he can be monitored at all times. What I didn't know was that this place is actually where the kings of the world visit when they want to stay at a hotel. The bill range for keeping Grim there? $1300 to $2500. Soooo... since the 5th I have spent a minimum of $2500 on this.

Now, money is just money. Grim is far more important to me than any money. HOWEVER. Vets here don't allow payment plans. They require everything up-front RIGHT NOW. So for people like me who make around $1000 every two weeks, it's going to hurt. People wonder why our society views pets as disposable. I would be sitting so pretty if I'd have just paid to put Grim down. And what happens if he gets sick AGAIN (which is, sadly, quite common) and I can't afford it? I couldn't even afford it NOW - the vet allowed me to open a $3000-limit credit line with a 27% interest rate if I don't pay it off quickly. I have enough if I use my credit cards and my entire savings, but I need to be able to pay my other bills and rent too. It's ridiculous and sad. 

Despite this bullshit, I still am steadfastly not going to give up on Grim. There is what's considered the "three strike rule" with his condition, and after the third blockage they recommend surgery. The surgery itself sounds horrific: they remove the most distal part of the penis and widen the opening, while creating a new urethra and bypass the old one. The issue again is: HOW MUCH DOES IT COST. Nowhere I've looked gives numbers, except for in Canada for $1200. Unfortunately, Canada is not the US and probably has better rates. Not to mention the healing process. I really, desperately hope it doesn't come to that.

I became very angry when I got an update from them. I didn't want them to do bloodwork, because last week it showed he was within normal ranges. I was told they "pretty much have to - no, they HAVE to." And, as I thought, it was FINE. I am a very aware parent, and I would not let him suffer. I mean, I was on constant alert, and he was still able to get some pee out, so I figured his kidneys were okay. And they are. And fuck you for taking my money. What I DID pay for that I didn't EXACTLY (on the outright) need to was to replace the catheter. They said that the one in him was very rigid and at risk for kinda making things worse with inflammation, so they "offered" to replace it with a softer one. In the call they said it was good I agreed because it was actually kinked and now he's more comfortable. Half the problem is that he's in pain and therefore his urinary sphincter closes as a reaction and prevents him from peeing. He needs to be comfortable in order to pee. It's a vicious cycle. Ugh.

Steve and I still went out to eat, a quiet lunch, and exchanged gifts (in a more subdued fashion than normal). I got him a tshirt with an adorable moogle on it and Epic Mickey (it was on sale on Amazon and I had a gift card), and he modeled, photoshopped, and framed an adorable inside cuteness. Instead of the big dango family, he made dangos with a danbo and made it the big danbo family using engrish and other cute phrases. It was adorable and great. I love homemade gifts. I also gave him a cute handmade card with Link and heart pieces and drew pictures and wrote all over it. Last year on our anniversary I bought him a card (my family is a family of Card Buyers) and he made me one that ended up being a billion times better, so I had to one-up him. Especially because he still makes fun of me for buying him a card ;)

He has been wonderful through all this. He wants to comfort me but I think I push him away, because a hug isn't going to fix my problems. Talking with him helps, and him being understanding about my need to feel these sad feelings and be depressed and sleep and sit on the floor of the shower and have a flat affect and appear cold is really helpful. He's there for me all the way, and I'm grateful for him.

Aaaanyway, I'm ridiculously depressed and mopey. Gonna eat some food and stare at the wall a lot wishing I could be home in bed. Keep Grim in your thoughts!

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. One minute I was fine, just job and apartment hunting like normal, then.... BAM! Intense depression, listlessness, everything was gray and my life was THE WORST EVAR.

I called Steve on my 10-minute drive home like I always do, but he can always tell when something's wrong because my voice gets this tight, squeaky quality to it when I'm about to blow. He insisted on talking me down from the ledge, but like, there was nothing to be done! I was just wrapped up in this cloud of despair and complaints and saying "I don't know" at the end of every sentence. It was almost surreal, how I felt. Like I was just floating along, being a part of The Machine and not being or doing anything worthwhile.

He was very cute and tried very hard to cheer me up, and it worked for a bit but I was quite depressed. I ended up just laying in bed all day. I had to go to bed early to get up for my 2-hour meeting this week anyway. I had bad sleep, dreaming about job applications and housing and money. It was not helpful. When I was at my meeting I was a bit better, and when I woke up today I wasn't listless anymore.

But still, I am down. I need to let my depression run through me, embrace it, so it can go away. I anticipate a lot of sleep while Steve is at work tonight, or at least a lot of staying-in-bed-cuddling-the-kitties-at-my-private-pity-party.

( First, caught in the act of adorable- )

( Next, a survey pilfered from Athena! )

My back hurts. I'm working with someone other than Isaac tonight, and I don't really like her. She's spent a good deal of the evening wandering around talking on her phone, which bothers me for some reason. She decided that she plays the role of Maid, while I do the Hard Labor. Which is fine in some ways, and weird in others. She's african american and has a very thick accent from wherever she's from. But she cleaned all the bathrooms and like, did laundry, while I swept and mopped the house. I also wrapped ALL the presents for clients - cd/radios. I wrapped 18 of them in this tiny 3x4-ft space (the only space on the floor) because she claimed my office as hers for the night and I got shunned to the administrative assistant's office. So that's why my back hurts.

I've been feeling down lately. Not depressed, per se, but more irritable. I've been saying bitchy things for no reason, and I'm back to wanting only to sleep all the time. I'm really discontent, and I don't know why, exactly. Which is also a contributor as to why I've been neglecting things like LJ, emails, even ignoring calls for when I was going to volunteer (I don't care about that anymore anyway right now cause I already graduated). I love DDR but whenever Steve asks if I want to play, I mope and drag me feet and a lot of the time don't end up playing. I love Golden Sun but have been playing woefully little of that. All I can seem to do is watch Netflix and cuddle with the cats.

Rose (the coworker) just used the bathroom and opened the door BEFORE flushing, WHILE ON THE PHONE, and she did not wash her hands. I mean, I'll admit that I'm not the most perfect of handwashers sometimes (I rarely get pee on myself, etc.), but COME ON! You're using the company phone! ewww! Why is it more gross when strangers don't wash their hands than like, close family? It's like we assume they're dirtier than everyone else. I'm far from a germaphobe so I probably have a higher tolerance than most, but this... no.

I got my hair done last Saturday. Jenny was playing around a bit and is starting to move my hair more to black. I don't think I'll go all the way black, but she put in a lot of thin chunks of dark brown and purple (which with my hair quickly becomes a red). I haven't warmed up to it almost at all even though I missed having my hair brown vs the dull blonde it has been for awhile now. Everyone else seems to love it though, and that's good, since they have to see it a lot more frequently than I do. It's also really short so I can put off going back for just a bit longer.

I am far too sensitive these last couple days. It does nothing but cause trouble.

I saw an article on yahoo today that discusses some men being charged with crimes committed in Afghanistan, such as murdering civilians and keeping body parts as prizes, and I find it highly amusing - this is my shortening of the article:

"Up to 12 men are being charged with atrocious crimes in Afghanistan."
"But they may not have done it!!!!!"
"Regardless, it hurts America's already lowering rep."
"Yeah but... it might not be true."
"Well it appears to be true."
"Only it's OBVIOUSLY not the behavior of the majority of the military so... let it go."
"No. This shouldn't happen they should be protecting over there."
"Yes, drop it. America is good and just."
"We'll see."
"Yes. We'll see."

Ah, cautious reporting at its finest.



I'm chilly. I got some great news yesterday - next Wednesday Steve is moving to overnights! Wooo. He'll start/end a few hours earlier than I will, but it will be waaaaay better than the way it is now! ^_^ They're even giving him Monday and Tuesday off to "fix" his schedule, assuming he doesn't already stay up all night. How nice! My job was the opposite - made me ruin my sleep schedule in order to come in for a full week of training and then threw me back into overnights. Hahaha! Anyway, this is really good, because I'm sick of cycling when it comes to coping with such a lack of boyfriend/friend/not all alone time. It really messes with everything!

So far I'm enjoying school well enough. I have my ex-coworker from the middle school, Ana, there with me, and our group for projects is me, her, and two other women she has in other classes. It seems a few people dropped the class, so there are only like 11 or 12 of us in the class now. But it provides some good laughs and discussion time. And as much as I complain about how professors waste my time, when this professor shuts her trap and lets us work on things, I get really stimulated and into discussion. It helps I'm already in the field so I can apply the stuff pretty well, too. I told Ana when we turned in our resumes that I wouldn't have to change anything because I have a sweet-ass resume (and have had like 100 jobs, half of which apply to my field). My bravado was 60% comedy, but when she handed back our resumes she loudly commented how impressive mine was, and only wants me to moved the dates of employment from the right side to the left. I laughed pretty heartily at the compliment. My annoying superior attitude and resume are exactly WHY I get jobs, though. I MAY be a touch big-headed and overconfident, and I totally see that. But it works for snagging interviews and landing jobs! Oh! Which reminds me. That job at my mom's work she wanted me to apply to right before I got this position? I got an email from the HR lady and it said, "While your skills are certainly impressive..." pahahaha! I've never seen a rejection letter start like that. I told Mom either way it'd be hard for me to get an interview there simply because my resume really only highlights my Human Services work and the position I was applying for was like a receptionist/desk type. Amusing.

TGIF. Off to work on my scarf and watch more That 70's Show. Ta!

 

I for real want to cry about having to rewrite. It's like the most depressing thing in the whole world.

I didn't realize it's already been 10 days since my last entry. Time is going by really fast what with working nearly every day and stuff like a normal human. I started school today. I'm on my final class before my degree, a senior capstone seminar where we spend the semester putting together a portfolio showing off our book-learnin' and practical applications. A lot of familiar faces from my program ("a lot" is relative when there're only 14 people in the class...), but I'm most excited that Ana, a woman I worked with at the Middle School and who I introduced to Metro State, is also in my class. She's one of those adorable people who is hyper-organized and worried about doing things "right." Whereas my way is the right way in my mind (and I'm good at knowing what teachers want).

I really want to be playing more Tales of Symphonia, but this week has been so messed up that I’m just beat and need to sleep instead of being awake before work. It’s really sad, but it feels sooo good at the time to get needed rest. But ToS is really, really fun so far. I wish I could play in bigger chunks. My only real complaint about the game is the SERIOUS lack of money to buy items and weapons. Ugh! But the battle system is really fun, the story is great, and graphics are really pretty. Steve and I really need to beat Blue Dragon; it’s been hanging over our heads for WEEKS. We’re at the end –rather we can access the final dungeon now – but we’re sidequesting and training just in case. And since I work during our normal game time and he is only home for 45 minutes before I leave for work and he’s sleeping when I get home… we really only have Friday and Saturday nights to do anything. And we HAVE to beat it together; that’s the point of a “team” game. He also would like us to team game some of his Gran Turismo games to them out of the way (his strategy on beating his backlog is to beat all the bad games he’s acquired over the years so there’s only good ones left) but again, time is such an issue. Oh, and he would like to team play some Sim Theme Park hahaha. I feel like it’s how I crave The Sims and wanna play sooo badly, but really, when am I EVER going to have the time for it?!

It’s pretty much decided that when I finish the scarf I’m working on that I’m going to duplicate-stitch a Zelda theme onto it. I was pleasantly surprised with how Steve’s Final Fantasy scarf turned out, and even a little jealous. While he’s cute and forgetful about wearing it and it’s really more of a decoration than anything, I DO wear scarves in winter because I HATE the Minnesota cold. So why not wear a freaking awesome scarf that I made myself with sweet characters and colors? I’ve currently got nearly 2 feet done (of maybe 5 or 6). It takes a little longer because I always knit them in the round – that is, I knit a tube so it looks nicer and is thick and warm and doesn’t curl. And now that I’ve had to rewrite this whole entry (and a bunch of client problems and ER visits and incident reports), I probably won’t get much time to make progress tonight!

Tomorrow Steve and I are going to Valleyfair. They've lowered the prices by $18 for a few weekdays, and tomorrow's one of them. I only went to VF once last year, and it wasn't with Steve. It's really weird since I worked there so many years that I was so used to going all the time, and now it's like I have to PAY to get in (and holy shit is it expensive normally) and even have to plan a day to do it! I'm so excited to spend a cutie day with him there. We are so playing mini golf! And riding all the coasters! And it's supposed to be really nice so I hope it stays that way.

The other day I had a short but intense depressive episode. I was feeling incredibly left out because all of our friends text him all the time, and everyone's stopped texting me since I can never hang out anymore. It just really got to me that I was lonely, and I see Steve for less than an hour a day. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly thankful I get to at least sleep with him for a few hours and he's kind enough to let me wake him up and drag his ass out of bed for a 20-minute walk to talk about the night and wind down when I get home from work. But that is so not enough. I just wish he'd get transferred already. I miss my boyfriend so much! Not even Chipotle could break my mood. But apparently a cuddly catnap could (and did). I felt much better and happier and grateful again for such an amazing relationship.

I really hope I get this job I'm interviewing for on Wednesday (tomorrow now I guess). The one working with the autistic boy fell through because even though the company offered me the job, the family chose someone else at the last second simply because they lived closer. Which is fine, it really would have been a long drive. But I still desperately need more than 12 hours a week.

My current location at work is being restructured, and I was offered a different position. Instead of working 12 hours Sunday night to Monday morning, they offered me midnight-8am shifts on Friday and Saturday. Um, no. For several reasons. It's only 4 more hours. And it's both weekend days. And I NEED MORE THAN TEEN HOURS JFC. I stuck it out the whole year I've worked there on the hope that I'd be able to find more hours than just the one night!!! So I turned it down, applied to a different position within my house but that is 99.9% guaranteed to another based on seniority and already having been working a similar position, and applied to a different location within the company. I didn't even attach a cover letter. I'm just so bitter. But I got a call anyway last Tuesday for an interview. It'd be overnights (3rd Shift, really), Sun-Th midnight-8:30am. If I got this I'd be making sooo much more money. And I am definitely qualified.

If I got this it would allow for Steve to freely pursue working overnights at Rainbow, because he's been cashiering for 4 years there (and maintenance for two previous to that) and he's sick of people's bullshit. He's friends with the night manager, who has periodically offered him positions jokingly or pointed out when they were hiring. He put a note in to discuss the idea of switching to overnights. The gears are in motion, fingers crossed I get chosen. I interview well, but since I need this job BADLY I'm actually nervous. Usually I'm pretty cocky about them because I can be really personable and I know what people want to hear. My parents definitely taught me well on that front; it's helped me out of tight spots more than once. But I feel like this is so dire. *deep breaths*

Another reason why I need this is that having 6 days off is really wearing on me. I spend almost all of my time until Steve gets home at like 11pm sleeping. Even if I have stuff to do. It's definitely having a progressively depressive effect on me. I need something to keep me stimulated.