![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spritechan
It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.
I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.
And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.
I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3
And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.
I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.
And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.
I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3
And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.
Tags:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-11-27 05:07 am (UTC)Second off, I actually totally sympathize with this mentality. Sometimes when you have so much stuff, all you want to do is just flip your shit and say, FUCK EVERYTHING! Even if half the things on the list are things you enjoy, are happy you're getting done, or have spent months WAITING for. The overwhelming feeling is so unpleasant. Sometimes it's easier to just repeat to yourself, little engine-that-could style, "I can do it, I can do it," than other times, when no matter how much you say that you can, you don't do it. =/
So, I wish you the best of luck with powering through this ugly month. Maybe it'd be helpful to schedule out December as well, and flip back and forth between November and December calendars to show how many things are really JUST this once? I don't know. I've never found one single system that worked for me for this kind of problem.
The only time in my life where I was really just able to power through 2 months of that kind of stuff was my last two months of pregnancy, when I just knew I had no choice if I was going to feel even remotely like I did my best for my baby. And I came into motherhood so burnt out that it's half a miracle I've gotten so far. If it had been for any other reason, I would have quit. Seriously. I just think that some of us aren't meant for those kinds of crazy busy schedules. My mom, on the complete other hand, lives and thrives for calendars full of appointments, tournaments, errands, chores, parties, events, dinners, etc every. day. of. the. week. Sometimes just hearing about her days makes me want to hide under the covers all day, Hyperbole style. (How sad are you that it's been almost a YEAR since the last update? T.T I am tres triste.)
Good luck! Remember to post pictures of progress on the tattoo!
no subject
Date: 2012-11-27 06:11 am (UTC)Oh my god. My mom too. It's UNBELIEVABLE how much she does in a day, and has a 14-year-old son at home too and a husband who does NOT love really busy schedules. I get tons of updates too because she uses FourSquare or whatever to post everywhere she goes and I just get exhausted imagining her life. Like for Thanksgiving, not only did she help cook a turkey she didn't eat (she's vegetarian) and other meal fixin's that was served at 1:30pm as opposed to the normal 3-4pm range, she ran a 10k in the morning! CRAZY WOMAN! She was not like this when I lived there.
And hrmm, Hyperbole. It's been OVER a year since she last posted! ;A; Her last post was in October of 2011... I know she's been working on that book, but knowing depression (as I know you do as well), she has probably been struggling since she posted. I found a Reddit thread where there were enough people expressing concern for her well-being that she came out of the woodwork and stated that she finally sought professional help (this was in May) and continues to be working on not being a huge ball of sadness crying on the floor 24/7. D: I need to reread some of her posts - they make my day so full of joy!
Oh right! I was going to post pics after our last session but I wanted it to heal, and chunks healed kind of badly (just thin colorwork, not like scarring or anything). I'll post an update for you tomorrow if I find time. Otherwise Thursday for sure.