A Heart's a Heavy Burden

The day started out fine, I had a decent amount of plans to continue organizing and cleaning and I got started in that... and then I crashed into a deep depression I’m blaming on getting my period on Monday (it was only 37 days from my last cycle, am I leveling out finally??). I’ve been really emotional and weepy, which is super unlike me. I spent the day laying on the couch feeling sad and anxious and worthless and scared, and then when my iPad battery got too low, I moved into the bedroom to continue my moping and so Steve came home to find me in fetal position and leaking tears.

He snuggled me and reassured me and we talked about reading more of the book we’d been reading. I know we both want to keep reading it, but it’s hard to go to such a heavy place when we’re really enjoying each other so much lately. I’ve been wondering if I should go to counseling once I get the school’s insurance (since it’s supposedly so good, though not sure yet about its therapy options)... like obviously there’s significant underlying issues to why I behaved the way I did, which was clear from my one session alone with Kelly. It was so annoying to be aware of my childhood and teenage years and to feel like I’m making excuses or minimizing because we only had an hour and I didn’t want to spend the whole time talking about my past when this issue was more pressing. But who we were affects who we are and clearly there’s more there that I should probably work through. If I can get a good counselor I think it could be helpful.

In the meantime, I cried a little bit and Steve and I napped for a bit until it was time for yoga, which Steve was sure would be helpful. He started ITG while I got ready, and it was a little chillier so I brought sweatpants and wore my shawl.

Yoga was interesting. I wore my Thinx workout shorts in case I leaked, and I LOVE them, but the leg material is really light and thin and rides up high when moving a lot, and I’m pretty sure my butt cheeks hang out. It was only me and 4 other women, all of whom are also “regulars” of Brandi. Normally I put my mat in the front row but because of being self-conscious about my junk hanging out I was in the back today, so only one woman was in front. She made a joke about how she ate a ton of vegetables right before class and maybe people shouldn’t be downwind of her. Brandi walked in in the middle and that sparked a silly discussion about farting in class (since everyone in the room was there on Monday with the other incident). I’m always simultaneously thrilled with being a part of things and tense because I struggle with getting close to people or relaxing into a situation.

I digress. The class was interesting because my hips were more tight than they’ve been in a long time, which I suspect was due to 1. My period and 2. All the traumatic, stressful, sad emotions I’ve been experiencing. In yoga, the hips are traditionally where we store sadness, anxiety, and trauma, so the theory is that you can get more emotional when doing exercises that release the hips.

So, I wasn’t very good at any of the hip openers, but we did something new, which was splits practice, so I got to learn how one starts to move into that that isn’t just standing splits. That was cool. Today in extended side angle I branched out and tried for a full bind instead of a half bind, and I got really close! I surprised myself and it really feels like I might get a full bind here soon. I did maybe pull one of my shoulders a little out of place trying to reach, but it shifted back during the next pose and I’ll be more careful next time.

My standing balancing wasn’t great because of my busy mind, so I held back a little in those poses. But! Brandi had us do a crescent twist with our knees on the ground, and THEN encouraged us to lift into full crescent (like being in the twist and then lifting our knee off the ground at the same time) and that balancing was awesome for me. Lifting yourself off the ground while in a twist is something I always feel like is impossible and then when I do it, I’m really surprised at my own body. Lol. I also did side plank today, which normally I do the modified pose of.

For the inversion, I wasn’t feeling dolphin again, but instead of crow I practiced wheel. I used to be able to do wheel all the time in the past, and now I can’t. I think it’s because I was doing it incorrectly before. I thought it was because my arms are weaker since stopping and starting yoga again but that can’t be true now. I really want to get back into that pose regularly. Instead of forcing my way into the pose I’m working on setting all of it up correctly, which makes it harder for me to push my arms in. So I did what amounted to a bridge headstand, which is a “bus stop,” as Brandi calls them, before full wheel.

Normally during legs up the wall I go into shoulder stand and then plow, but today I was really feeling legs up the wall. I marveled at how when I started yoga again back in June, I couldn’t straighten my legs beyond like 45*, and they’d get shaky and tired, and now my legs are perfectly straight and the pose is really relaxing. It’s my favorite restorative pose right now. Mmmmm.

In Brandi’s class, when we go into fetal before the end of class, she has us do a breathing routine, and today she talked about loving yourself and forgiving yourself, and in order to truly love others you need to love yourself, etc. And since I’ve been super depressed and emotional and NOT loving myself today, it hit me pretty hard and maybe I cried a little... but the class was dark so it didn’t matter.

When class was done, Stacy mentioned to me and Brandi that she got roofied at a local sports bar and luckily she was with a girl friend who got her home because she’d blacked out at like 9:30pm and remembered nothing. She said when she talked to the manager he said it happens depressingly often.

Then I got home, Steve was cute and heated us up our leftovers, we watched an episode of Parks and Rec, and then I snuggled him while he did more sidequesting - mostly Majima stuff - in Yakuza Kiwami. <3

I started taking SAMe a little over a week ago... my doctor brought it up awhile ago but I know there are conflicting reports on efficacy of improving depression. Haley started taking it at the beginning of the month, along with a bunch of other supplements, and she reported really "feeling" it in her system and freaking out and not liking that it made her feel different. I thought it would be interesting to take for comparison.

So far what I've noticed is that I appear to be MORE depressed since beginning to take it. Interestingly, SAMe can increase symptoms of mania in people who have bipolar disorder. I mean, I can't conclusively say that the SAMe is what's making me feel worse. I just don't feel any *better* at this point. Although I do kind of pendulum more than I used to. For example, this morning at Parkway I was actually in a really good mood. Kids were just being funny and adorable and cute and I remembered why I fucking LOVE middle school kids.

Then I got into an argument with the ELL lady at Nokomis and normally I don't get so mad but she was really pissing me off. I hate that it's hard for me to explain or articulate WHY I don't think this particular student needs special ed services - at least in the moment, I know I sent a really good explanation via email a few months ago - HOWEVER, he only receives LANGUAGE services and he's NOT on my caseload so I got pretty heated that this lady was coming at me asking for "numbers and data" when he's not even my kid!!! Also why the hell did she ask me for his IQ when she should KNOW that we don't take a formal IQ on non-native English speakers?? I just don't like her. She annoys me. I also deleted a bunch of really boring rant about testing and her being more of a bitch! So boring.

We met as Montessori staff on Friday to discuss "where we are at and where we want to go" with Montessori at Parkway. It became clear that we are not being taken seriously as a Montessori and we can't compete with OWL because they have a high school. It's this vision that's too big and we're not supported. We opened with a quick-write about what our dreams were when we started at Parkway. I couldn't wait for Kareem to speak, and he didn't disappoint - he told this analogy of the donkey who carried a load of salt across a river, and it melted away, so the next time his owner put wool on his back and he almost drowned. He said that it's "easier" this year because he's tired of fighting and would rather have the salt on his back. That for the last 4 years we've had wool on our backs and he would rather go home and be able to focus on his home life "and not going to Kinko's at 2am." Everyone else echoed that sentiment, but of course there are others who say we will always be fighting and they want to fight.

I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. Not when it's not just a hard fight, it's an impossible mountain. It's just a fact. I'm not being defeatist about it: someone or some people lied - whether it was just to us or to our old principal or both, we were lied to about the district's intentions and everyone is being let down. Tealie will definitely at least have offers before the end of the year. I'm waiting to see what Melissa says once she gets her budget... can she offer me full-time, or even .8 or .9?? But I'm looking elsewhere anyway, because even though elementary is in some ways a lot easier/calmer, I am, in my soul, a middle school/junior high teacher. 11-15 are just the best ages.

I hope think my depression is related to my unhappiness at my job. Historically speaking, this is the longest I've ever stayed in a position by far (4 years). The longest otherwise I've ever worked for a specific place was 2 years with People Inc. for mental health, but even with that I moved laterally within the company and worked for a different location after a year (though I probably would have stayed for awhile in the position I was in if my hours hadn't been eliminated and I was forced to apply to a different position that ended up being WAY better). Once I get that itch, it's impossible to ignore.

And I started writing this before I left for the day, and now I'm home and I think I got my final sign:



We as a staff are literally getting point sheets, basically. Click for a better view. But it is micromanaging to the extreme. This kind of thing makes me immediately say I'M OUT.



I've been taking a LOT of depression naps lately (no energy) and doing a lot of moping. I'm probably also depressed because of my knee problems and as a result I haven't been active in a month. I have an appointment with the orthopedist on Thursday.

It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

( Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.

I'm not very pleasant to be around at the moment, lol. I'm depressed, and it makes me ornery and even more stubborn than usual.

Part of the reason I'm this way is because it STILL will not warm up, and is cloudy or rainy most days. I hate it.

I hate Qwest. I like the internet, I HATE their website. it's ridiculous and literally impossible to navigate for me. EVERY page I click on I have to verify my information, and it's something new every time, and when I click the "What is this?" on things, it tells me all my information is only listed if I get a paper bill, which I don't. So I don't know what the goddamn hell they want from me.

God.

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. One minute I was fine, just job and apartment hunting like normal, then.... BAM! Intense depression, listlessness, everything was gray and my life was THE WORST EVAR.

I called Steve on my 10-minute drive home like I always do, but he can always tell when something's wrong because my voice gets this tight, squeaky quality to it when I'm about to blow. He insisted on talking me down from the ledge, but like, there was nothing to be done! I was just wrapped up in this cloud of despair and complaints and saying "I don't know" at the end of every sentence. It was almost surreal, how I felt. Like I was just floating along, being a part of The Machine and not being or doing anything worthwhile.

He was very cute and tried very hard to cheer me up, and it worked for a bit but I was quite depressed. I ended up just laying in bed all day. I had to go to bed early to get up for my 2-hour meeting this week anyway. I had bad sleep, dreaming about job applications and housing and money. It was not helpful. When I was at my meeting I was a bit better, and when I woke up today I wasn't listless anymore.

But still, I am down. I need to let my depression run through me, embrace it, so it can go away. I anticipate a lot of sleep while Steve is at work tonight, or at least a lot of staying-in-bed-cuddling-the-kitties-at-my-private-pity-party.

I for real want to cry about having to rewrite. It's like the most depressing thing in the whole world.

I didn't realize it's already been 10 days since my last entry. Time is going by really fast what with working nearly every day and stuff like a normal human. I started school today. I'm on my final class before my degree, a senior capstone seminar where we spend the semester putting together a portfolio showing off our book-learnin' and practical applications. A lot of familiar faces from my program ("a lot" is relative when there're only 14 people in the class...), but I'm most excited that Ana, a woman I worked with at the Middle School and who I introduced to Metro State, is also in my class. She's one of those adorable people who is hyper-organized and worried about doing things "right." Whereas my way is the right way in my mind (and I'm good at knowing what teachers want).

I really want to be playing more Tales of Symphonia, but this week has been so messed up that I’m just beat and need to sleep instead of being awake before work. It’s really sad, but it feels sooo good at the time to get needed rest. But ToS is really, really fun so far. I wish I could play in bigger chunks. My only real complaint about the game is the SERIOUS lack of money to buy items and weapons. Ugh! But the battle system is really fun, the story is great, and graphics are really pretty. Steve and I really need to beat Blue Dragon; it’s been hanging over our heads for WEEKS. We’re at the end –rather we can access the final dungeon now – but we’re sidequesting and training just in case. And since I work during our normal game time and he is only home for 45 minutes before I leave for work and he’s sleeping when I get home… we really only have Friday and Saturday nights to do anything. And we HAVE to beat it together; that’s the point of a “team” game. He also would like us to team game some of his Gran Turismo games to them out of the way (his strategy on beating his backlog is to beat all the bad games he’s acquired over the years so there’s only good ones left) but again, time is such an issue. Oh, and he would like to team play some Sim Theme Park hahaha. I feel like it’s how I crave The Sims and wanna play sooo badly, but really, when am I EVER going to have the time for it?!

It’s pretty much decided that when I finish the scarf I’m working on that I’m going to duplicate-stitch a Zelda theme onto it. I was pleasantly surprised with how Steve’s Final Fantasy scarf turned out, and even a little jealous. While he’s cute and forgetful about wearing it and it’s really more of a decoration than anything, I DO wear scarves in winter because I HATE the Minnesota cold. So why not wear a freaking awesome scarf that I made myself with sweet characters and colors? I’ve currently got nearly 2 feet done (of maybe 5 or 6). It takes a little longer because I always knit them in the round – that is, I knit a tube so it looks nicer and is thick and warm and doesn’t curl. And now that I’ve had to rewrite this whole entry (and a bunch of client problems and ER visits and incident reports), I probably won’t get much time to make progress tonight!

Tomorrow Steve and I are going to Valleyfair. They've lowered the prices by $18 for a few weekdays, and tomorrow's one of them. I only went to VF once last year, and it wasn't with Steve. It's really weird since I worked there so many years that I was so used to going all the time, and now it's like I have to PAY to get in (and holy shit is it expensive normally) and even have to plan a day to do it! I'm so excited to spend a cutie day with him there. We are so playing mini golf! And riding all the coasters! And it's supposed to be really nice so I hope it stays that way.

The other day I had a short but intense depressive episode. I was feeling incredibly left out because all of our friends text him all the time, and everyone's stopped texting me since I can never hang out anymore. It just really got to me that I was lonely, and I see Steve for less than an hour a day. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly thankful I get to at least sleep with him for a few hours and he's kind enough to let me wake him up and drag his ass out of bed for a 20-minute walk to talk about the night and wind down when I get home from work. But that is so not enough. I just wish he'd get transferred already. I miss my boyfriend so much! Not even Chipotle could break my mood. But apparently a cuddly catnap could (and did). I felt much better and happier and grateful again for such an amazing relationship.