A Heart's a Heavy Burden

Literally those pictures of the sweater were taken YESTERDAY and my view right now is:



It has been steady snowing since around 11:30am or so. I'll grant you that it looks pretty, but Steve drove to the post office (less than a mile away) and said several areas were quite iffy due to how slippery it is. I am very grateful that we are working from home this winter, not just for sanity but for safety.

I finished my election judge training, and the documentation thanked me for serving my country.

I also learned a lot more about the voting process. In Minnesota, apparently lots of people got turned away this year because so many applied to be judges. I live in a suburb of St. Paul, but like... right next to it. I applied and only offered to work within my precinct (but not necessarily my polling place), and I got placed at my own poll location, so that's neat. Every year it's always been old white people as judges. I'm gonna mix it up!

Work is pretty slow for me so far this week. I like it, but it also makes me anxious like I'm forgetting something. Did I mention my boss still really wants to get me on the Usability train/hybrid role? She is gunning hard for it. I might start shadowing soon.

So fucking upset at George Floyd's murder.

His murderer, Derek Chauvin, lives in my suburb, and is married to one of the agents who works at Re/Max with Courtney. We're all tied so closely with terrible people. Racism is everywhere, and we are all complicit. Chauvin has been involved in SEVERAL shootings, and not once held accountable. It was only a matter of time before he killed someone in cold blood. Tou Thao also has a history of aligning himself with white supremacy, not seeing how he is a pawn and will be no more valued than the people he harms for the "cause."

I didn't join in the protests yesterday, mostly because we were in a tornado warning with a huge storm so I assumed it was bad weather everywhere and thought efforts were dispersed.

I fired off a bunch of contacts demanding justice. Most news outlets are supportive of Floyd, but the video is being shared EVERYWHERE and it's so inappropriate to do. Trauma porn is not okay. Devaluing black bodies is not okay.

I didn't really sleep last night, so I called in today to get a few hours. 

Uh, so the depression is still here, weighing me down.

You guys missed a lot of drama in my life because I was too wrapped up in my depression to ass myself to write, but we almost went on strike. There were two straight weeks of intensity in this area, with our union voting 82% in favor of a strike (and 2/3 of our 3,200 teachers voted), and the district and union duking it out over funds. They had all-day mediation sessions for 10 days straight, including over this weekend. It was very stressful not knowing whether we were walking or not. A lot more stressful than I expected, being in limbo. They finally reached a tentative deal at 2am this morning:



I'll update you guys when hopefully tomorrow I get to see what kind of deal was reached that apparently doesn't add to the deficit, because the whole problem was that the district said they were willing to shell out $2 million and the union was asking for $159 million over two years (lol). How they narrowed that gap while getting what we wanted has got to be some sort of magic. I'd typically be more suspicious because LAST TIME we had a contract up, we ended up getting offered more pay and literally nothing else that mattered, when that's not even what we were fighting for in the first place (that time we authorized a strike vote but never voted). This time we have a new union president and a new superintendent and I trust Nick more and that he fought tooth and nail to make this happen - hell, we almost had the first strike in our district since 1946 (which happens to have been the first organized teacher strike in the US, btw) and we have the largest district in the state.

On the work note, I can feel the crushing weight of me not doing well at my job - that is, the paperwork. I'm TIRED. ....Okay, yeah it's the depression. Struggling pretty hard over here to breathe. All I do is sleep basically. My social media consumption - particularly Facebook - increased a hundred fold since Christmas, as scrolling is definitely an escape mechanism, a way to be awake without having thoughts, etc. I finally acknowledged that this weekend, and now I'm not allowing myself to scroll anymore. Cold turkey.

One interesting thing I did was watch The Red Pill, a men's rights activist (MRA) propaganda film that my dad asked me to view and report back with my opinions. I went into it with a really defensive posture, super anxious and tight-chested. I didn't read anything about it beforehand because I wanted to keep an open mind - it was a 50/50 shot that my dad was being genuine vs trying to piss me off. Because it's a propaganda film, it was actually presented with a strong sympathetic overlay for the MRA leaders in the film, which helped ease me into the insanity. They want to take the edge off their hatred and reputation, so they were depicted as reasonable and honest-to-god misunderstood - no one can deny the fact that men do face real issues with regards to alimony, child custody, child support, homelessness and domestic violence! Those are legitimate men's issues.

There are plenty of articles about the film that you can read online - almost all of them angry or mocking, which, ironically, plays into the film's narrative that feminism is a frothing, brainwashing, extremist movement that devalues men - so I won't summarize it any further here. However, I did have to explain to my dad that the primary problem with the film is that the leaders and general followers of MRA are actually just woman-haters. And they don't want to bring men UP, they want to bring women DOWN. They present themselves in the movie as normal humans just trying to bring about equity, when in fact their day-to-day proseletyzing is in strong favor of actively abusing women.

My dad is just ignorant and misinformed. He means well, but he's been the unfortunate recipient of a lot of situations that make him completely not understand the plight of actual minorities. For example, he doesn't understand profiling because he considers himself Mexican and because he's Data from Star Trek and doesn't comprehend racial bias. He IS half-Mexican.. but he LOOKS white. NO ONE would see him and think Mexican. Sorry. When he's filling out a race/ethnicity card, he should do like me - ethncity: Hispanic, race: white. It's the truth. He also has experienced child support issues (though I'd argue his was more annoyance that my mom got the funds and not me and my sister directly), and his ex-wife Pam abused him. So he's experienced some of the things that are reasonably discussed in the movie. I did tell him I'd like to know more about his experiences with these issues, since I've only really ever heard my mom's side of anything. My dad was always very good at not letting his relationship with my mom impact our time together and never made it my problem.

I think it's a lot like when the Tea Party first became a Thing. He thought, Oh my god, fellow Americans who believe like me! He of course is the physical embodiment of the character of Ron Swanson (albeit with less humor and mustache), and the Tea Party proved to be too radical for him. Because he is staunchly anti-liberal, he has likely never seen the horror that is the general MRA. If he spent some time on those MRA forums, I can guarantee he'd be sickened and say they were a bunch of wackadoos. But it's encouraging that he's trying to find SOME group to be a part of and learn more, even if it's down the wrong path for now. The good news about my dad is that he is not one to be bought over with tricks and lies. If he continues down the MRA road he'll realize the error and move on.

I lol'd quite hard and several times. Douche taco. *sigh*



Context is people arguing about whether or not the US is the ULTIMATE EVIL regarding this BS with Kim Dotcom and MegaUpload. I love reading comments. I always learn things and usually get a good laugh somewhere.

Stolen from ayanamisama:


From an anti-choice blog called Speak for the Weak:
When I say I’m pro-life…

It doesn’t mean I’m religious.
Because I’m not.

It doesn’t mean I hate LGBT community.
Because I am a supporter.

It doesn’t mean I force women to give birth.
Because I never will.

Take what you want from my blog, but never assume I’m just your stereotypical pro-lifer. It is VERY possible to ask questions, state your opinions in a civil manner on this blog. I am respectful and I enjoy answering all questions received!

Thanks for following! :)
-speakfortheweak


Desliz had this response:
Let me tell you some things.

I used to investigate child abuse and neglect. I can tell you how to stop the vast majority of abortion in the world.

First, make knowledge and access to contraception widely available. Start teaching kids before they hit puberty. Teach them about domestic violence and coercion, and teach them not to coerce and rape. Create a strong, loving community where women and girls feel safe and supported in times of need. Because guess what? They aren’t. You know what happens to babies born under such circumstances? They get hurt, unnecessarily. They get sick, unnecessarily. They get removed from parents who love them but who are unprepared for the burden of a child. Resources? Honey, we try. There aren’t enough resources anywhere. There are waiting lists, and promises, and maybes. If the government itself can’t hook people up, what makes you think an impoverished single mom can handle it?

Abolish poverty. Do you have any idea how much childcare costs? Daycare can cost as much or more than monthly rent. They may be inadequately staffed. Getting a private nanny is a nice idea, but they don’t come cheap either. Relatives? Do they own a car? Does the bus run at the right times? Do they have jobs of their own they need to work just to keep the lights on? Are they going to stick around until you get off you convenience store shift at 4 AM? Do they have criminal histories that will make them unsuitable as caregivers when CPS pokes around? You gonna pay for that? Who’s going to pay for that?

End rape. I know your type errs on the side of blaming the woman, but I’ve seen little girls who’ve barely gotten their periods pregnant because somebody thought raping preteens was an awesome idea. You want to put a child through that? Or someone with a mental or physical inability for whom pregnancy would be frightening, painful or even life-threatening? I’ve seen nonverbal kids who had their feet sliced up by caregivers for no fucking reason at all, you think sexual abuse doesn’t happen either?

You say there’s lots of couples who want to adopt. Kiddo, what they want to adopt are healthy white babies, preferably untainted by the wombs and genetics of women with alcohol or drug dependencies. I’ve seen the kids they don’t want, who almost no one wants. You people focus only on the happy pink babies, the gigglers, the ones who grow and grow with no trouble. Those are not the kids who linger in foster care. Those are certainly not the older kids and teenagers who age out of foster care and then are thrown out in the streets, usually with an array of medical and mental health issues. Are they too old to count?

And yeah, I’ve seen the babies, little hand-sized things barely clinging to life. There’s no glory, no wonder there. There is no wonder in a pregnant woman with five dollars to her name, so deep in depression you wonder if she’ll be alive in a week. Therapy costs money. Medicine costs money. Food, clothes, electricity cost money. Government assistance is a pittance; poverty drives women and girls into situations where they are forced to rely on people who abuse them to survive. (I’ve been up in more hospitals than I can count.)

In each and every dark pit of desperation, I have never seen a pro-lifer. I ain’t never seen them babysitting, scrubbing floors, bringing over goods, handing mom $50 bucks a month or driving her to the pediatrician. I ain’t never seen them sitting up for hours with an autistic child who screams and rages so his mother can get some sleep while she rests up from working 14-hour days. I don’t see them fixing leaks in rundown houses or playing with a kid while the police prepare to interview her about her sexual abuse. They’re not paying for the funerals of babies and children who died after birth, when they truly do become independent organisms. And the crazy thing is they think they’ve already done their job, because the child was born!

Aphids give birth, girl. It’s no miracle. You want to speak for the weak? Get off your high horse and get your hands dirty helping the poor, the isolated, the ill and mentally ill women and mothers and their children who already breathe the dirty air. You are doing nothing, absolutely nothing, for children. You don’t have a flea’s comprehension of injustice. You are not doing shit for life until you get in there and fight that darkness. Until you understand that abortion is salvation in a world like ours. Does that sound too hard? Do you really think suffering post-birth is more permissible, less worthy of outrage?

“Pro-life” is simply a philosophy in which the only life worth saving is the one that can be saved by punishing a woman.


-----------------------------------

It was like speaking for my whole career. That's the population I work with - the poor, the impoverished, the mentally ill, the medically ill, the ignored, forgotten, the horribly-treated.

The level of disgust that I feel towards people who cover up sexual abuse crimes is almost immeasurable.

The Catholic church has been hiding their abuse of children for centuries, and this started because the people of the church wanted to ensure that property of men went to the church when they died, not families? The requirement of celibacy came about very early on in the church, because the church wasn't satisfied with the married bishops, etc. passing their land on to their sons. Nothing in the Bible says anything about being celibate as a member of the church, and the apostles had families. So what the fuck, Catholicism?

Many men who become a part of the church start at a very early age, like 14 years old. When they make these decisions to join the church, it's like they're halting their psychosexual development. They're fed all these rules about controlling themselves, when really they're just BEGGING for these... kids, really... to become pedophiles. They're not taught how to understand their bodies and the urges they feel, and they are discouraged from exploring these feelings. All of us know how pleasurable sexual feelings are since we're free to express them. But what about a 20-year-old (or what-have-you) priest who never learned to understand and channel his feelings? He works with children. He feels affectionate towards these children. He feels connected to these children. In effect, he's nearly at the same stage of psychosexual development they are at. Children are trusting, and naive. What better subjects to explore your sexual curiosity with without feeling like you're really breaking the rules?

Let's not forget that it's safe to assume that a large number of these men were ALSO abused as children, and are simply perpetuating what they learned as children themselves. Did it feel wrong, or bad, or uncomfortable when it happened to them? Certainly. Did they learn those behaviors from their abusers? Almost definitely. They first are against the actions, but then learn to accept them. Learn to squash their feelings and accept the fear and pain. It's just a part of life, and surely their priest, their vessel of Jesus, wouldn't do something to them that wasn't okay! And yet... they know it's not something they should be telling people. Because deep down it really hurts. It's scary. It's involving parts of their body that they were taught were private.

I firmly believe that if the Catholic church allowed their priests to have families, that this would happen a lot less. There would still be abusers within the church, but I think the number would be far fewer. Because these men would have been given the chance to grow into their sexuality and express it in a healthy way. Personally I think celibacy itself is appalling, but that's likely here nor there.

I don't think that pedophiles are inherently monsters. I think that they learned a specific way to behave, and found an outlet for their sexuality. I think that that outlet is viewed by the Catholic church as no worse than being sexual with an adult. It's just another form of "sex," in a world where "sex" is forbidden, and is probably considered lesser because they're children, and also because children are less likely to tell. I think that these priests are stuck in the wrong stage of psychosexual development, and they need help in order to correct that. By ignoring claims of abuse (and even pleas for help from the pedophile priests), the church is only exacerbating the problem, and preventing these men from getting the help they desperately need. 

I wish that we could live in a world where a priest could confess his feelings (hopefully it would only be urges, but likely it would be reported abuse) to his leader, and the leader could arrange for counseling, for therapy, to help them work through it. I really think that, especially at the beginning, these men could be helped in controlling those urges. Attraction towards children is likely never to go away, but at least they could understand why they CANNOT do that, and WHY it's so horrifically wrong for them to hurt children, and that what happened to them as kids (likely) is no less wrong. That THEY are victims too. I also wish that the Catholic church would realize how negative the requirement for celibacy really is, and repeal that. The cycle of pain and suffering just has to end, and it has to start somewhere. It has to start with the church facing their mistakes and taking steps to amend for what has been broken.

Just.. UNNNGHFHGHFH

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Seriously, just let the south secede from the United States already! They're fucking embarrassing. I hate America.

FUCK.