A Heart's a Heavy Burden

Even though Laura was the one who set the pricing for my tattoo sessions, and even though Jerry (the owner) approved of them and was present, I always got the feeling that he did not approve of the pricing. He constantly gave her pointed looks and asked her how long we were working for. Laura is his only employee. She is talented, friendly, and simply awesome. I saw 3 other tattoos happen by Jerry in the 6 sessions I have had with the shop, and everyone came and left during my session. I noticed that the shop wasn't doing awesome (at least on the days I was there), and Laura mentioned several times that November/December were the slowest months. So really, my $2000 was helping the shop a great deal during the slow period. Laura offered my last session in December to be free, because progress was going slower than we would have liked (the flowers and grass around 3/4 of my wrist, for example, took one whole session and was a very small area). *I* did not ask for it. *She* offered it. 

So when I went in for my session on the 1st, I did not feel like it was any different. Jerry was being douchey with his looks, and Laura and I were doing business as usual. When Jerry left at 6, he gave her a longer-than-normal stare before he left. At 7, she went to get a pizza two doors down. She received a text during that time. I did not think to let her know she received one when she got back. A few minutes later, the shop got a phone call. It was Jerry. He clearly asked her if she got the text. She grabbed her phone and went into the storage room (as the shop really is just one big room). It was very clear then that the phone call was regarding me. A very heated 5-10-minute discussion ensued, with her raising her voice and getting all fast and squeaky. I knew they were arguing about my sleeve. A few minutes later she came out, stricken and very visibly upset, and told me that Jerry was requiring her to raise the price of my sessions, starting that evening. I was IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SESSION, mind you. Apparently Jerry feels that they have been undercharging me, and I deserve to finish my tattoo at an increased rate. At the time I was tired, and defeated, and I didn't want to be mad at Laura for what Jerry did. So we came to a compromise for the night and I ended up paying $50 more than I would have (I still tipped her my standard amount, which she was plainly shocked to see. It was clear that she thought she'd be losing her tip in favor of making up for the increase in price. I would never take that out on her like that.)

For a little while, I resigned myself to it. There's about 2 sessions left and then touch-ups, which are free (the shop guarantees all of its work... or so it claims). I couldn't think of a way to argue my point without burning bridges. I decided to let it go. I DID NOT schedule a new appointment, which I had done every single other time. I hoped that would send a message.

Then I thought about it for a few days, and I have decided that I simply may not go back to the shop AT ALL. How DARE he send his employee to do his dirty work? How DARE he decide to extort me when he knows that I am so close to being done? How DARE he not have the balls to talk to me himself!!!! Fuck! I am seething. I vacillate between wanting to storm down there and demand that he not renege on the agreed upon deal (and notify him that I know an artist who would be GLAD to finish my tattoo [even though I don't want to take this away from Laura and I don't *actually* have an artist lined up... but Andy could do it]), and maybe reach a compromise, and just never contacting them again and badmouthing the shop to anyone who will listen (and post a horrible review on FB, etc. OR just waiting to see if he convinces Laura to contact me when he realizes he misses that consistent money from me). Whenever I think of going to shop, my blood pressure absolutely skyrockets and I get dizzy, from a combination of the helpless, blind rage I feel at his outright greedy asshole behavior and the fact that I am so ridiculously terrified of a confrontation that I panic at the thought of trying to put forth a demanding, coherent, convincing argument.

It just sucks. Why did he have to do that? I hate him. Seriously. It's so wrong on so many levels and I just don't deserve this kind of treatment. God.

The level of disgust that I feel towards people who cover up sexual abuse crimes is almost immeasurable.

The Catholic church has been hiding their abuse of children for centuries, and this started because the people of the church wanted to ensure that property of men went to the church when they died, not families? The requirement of celibacy came about very early on in the church, because the church wasn't satisfied with the married bishops, etc. passing their land on to their sons. Nothing in the Bible says anything about being celibate as a member of the church, and the apostles had families. So what the fuck, Catholicism?

Many men who become a part of the church start at a very early age, like 14 years old. When they make these decisions to join the church, it's like they're halting their psychosexual development. They're fed all these rules about controlling themselves, when really they're just BEGGING for these... kids, really... to become pedophiles. They're not taught how to understand their bodies and the urges they feel, and they are discouraged from exploring these feelings. All of us know how pleasurable sexual feelings are since we're free to express them. But what about a 20-year-old (or what-have-you) priest who never learned to understand and channel his feelings? He works with children. He feels affectionate towards these children. He feels connected to these children. In effect, he's nearly at the same stage of psychosexual development they are at. Children are trusting, and naive. What better subjects to explore your sexual curiosity with without feeling like you're really breaking the rules?

Let's not forget that it's safe to assume that a large number of these men were ALSO abused as children, and are simply perpetuating what they learned as children themselves. Did it feel wrong, or bad, or uncomfortable when it happened to them? Certainly. Did they learn those behaviors from their abusers? Almost definitely. They first are against the actions, but then learn to accept them. Learn to squash their feelings and accept the fear and pain. It's just a part of life, and surely their priest, their vessel of Jesus, wouldn't do something to them that wasn't okay! And yet... they know it's not something they should be telling people. Because deep down it really hurts. It's scary. It's involving parts of their body that they were taught were private.

I firmly believe that if the Catholic church allowed their priests to have families, that this would happen a lot less. There would still be abusers within the church, but I think the number would be far fewer. Because these men would have been given the chance to grow into their sexuality and express it in a healthy way. Personally I think celibacy itself is appalling, but that's likely here nor there.

I don't think that pedophiles are inherently monsters. I think that they learned a specific way to behave, and found an outlet for their sexuality. I think that that outlet is viewed by the Catholic church as no worse than being sexual with an adult. It's just another form of "sex," in a world where "sex" is forbidden, and is probably considered lesser because they're children, and also because children are less likely to tell. I think that these priests are stuck in the wrong stage of psychosexual development, and they need help in order to correct that. By ignoring claims of abuse (and even pleas for help from the pedophile priests), the church is only exacerbating the problem, and preventing these men from getting the help they desperately need. 

I wish that we could live in a world where a priest could confess his feelings (hopefully it would only be urges, but likely it would be reported abuse) to his leader, and the leader could arrange for counseling, for therapy, to help them work through it. I really think that, especially at the beginning, these men could be helped in controlling those urges. Attraction towards children is likely never to go away, but at least they could understand why they CANNOT do that, and WHY it's so horrifically wrong for them to hurt children, and that what happened to them as kids (likely) is no less wrong. That THEY are victims too. I also wish that the Catholic church would realize how negative the requirement for celibacy really is, and repeal that. The cycle of pain and suffering just has to end, and it has to start somewhere. It has to start with the church facing their mistakes and taking steps to amend for what has been broken.

Just.. UNNNGHFHGHFH

Bwahhh. Another work week.

Last Friday I was an HOUR late to work. Yep. I'm sleeping, doo doo doo, and then my phone starts ringing, when I looked at it I was mega confused that the time said 12:37am. "Whadda fuuuuuck why does it say 12:37? It's supposed to be 11:20." So I answer, doing my best voice of I-was-not-just-asleep. It was Eddie. All he said was, "Leah?!" and I told him I'd be there in 15. Sucks that they waited so long to call me, but at least I live only 4 miles away. Then I spent over an hour poring through the MARs, writing and then typing up all the errors and put it in the nurse's box. She decided to come up with a new system of checks and accountability for signing and correctly filling out the MARs, so I decided to catch everyone up. I filled in all the missing holes and documented everything and typed up who was supposed to sign for them so she can get them to sign below me. Today I found a note in my box thanking me for doing it (and saying she tried to document the holes but mine was way better and more organized) and asking me to keep tabs on the MAR a couple times a week. Which actually means I'm going to be doing it every night in order to keep up with everything. That and legally a hole should only go unsigned for 24 hours. And stupid Henry accounted for ONE THIRD of the errors all by himself. There are at least 15 people who can sign the MAR, and the idiot accounts for the biggest chunk of non-signatures. I hope he gets fired soon. He bugs the crap out of me.

( And now a break for kitty cuteness and cheer! )

I'm feeling MUCH better today. Steve and I wasted most of the weekend sleeping, but we were also productive in some ways too. We got our grocery shopping done for the week and I made a ton of bento stuff and will make more tomorrow. We finally saw Inception, too. It was very, very good. Who doesn't love Leonardo DiCaprio + Ellen Page?! Omg. And the storyline was the right amount of complex too. I'm glad we got to catch it while it was still in theaters.

I also got up to a total of 59 'S' ranks in Ouendan 2, which means I have only 17 more A's to turn into 'S''s! I'm not a hundo on if I can actually achieve that, but of the 4 difficulties, I have the lowest difficulty completed, and the hardest difficulty with ONE LEFT. The other two I just need to suck it up on. It's kinda like when you play Guitar Hero or Rock band and know how to play it on Expert but are playing on an easier difficulty and the notes don't match up as well. It can be quite frustrating. Sidenote: I have completed the game, a long time ago, I just want to perfect it as much as possible because I'm really good at it and find it so fun. Playing a game like this to death does not get old. Its predecessor, Elite Beat Agents, is American and quite cheesy and the controls are a bit wonky (the scoring system is atrocious at times which is odd because it was released AFTER Ouendan 1), but it's a GREAT game and sells at GameStop for between $3 and $7. I still need the original Ouendan, but it's about $50 + shipping from Japan, so I'm holding off for a bit.

Also, my family pics came back. If you're curious as to what my mom's side looks like - that is, me (22), my mom (42), my stepdad (40), my sister (18), and my (half)brother (12), as well as my sister's baby (7mos.), check em out!

( Bright and sunny! )

I was supposed to get my hair done the day before the pictures were taken, but my hair lady cancelled because her baby had a doctor appointment, and then THIS week all the roads to her town were closed (flooding and construction) and aren't apparently scheduled to reopen until the end of the month! My hair is a catastrophe. HATE IT. I went to see how much it would cost to get done where Steve and his mom get theirs done, and it would be $28 for the cut and $40-50 for the dye. WTF NO WAY. Jenny does AMAZING and the cut AND color costs me $40, INCLUDING tip. jfc.