A Heart's a Heavy Burden

Even though I was super tired and sore from ITG last night, I needed to go to yoga for sure today. So I got up and headed to yoga at 9:30. I was super crabby, as I usually am when my body is still exhausted/not recovered from the day before. There were two older ladies (like, 60s for sure) who were super good at everything. This class was with a teacher I’m not familiar with, Becka, and I think it’s the kind of class that Haley loves - constant movement and like a thousand chaturangas. I would not stop dripping waterfalls of sweat and I appeared to be the only one lol. I wasn’t the only one getting tired by any means, but god do I sweat so much. During the lame ab work that I can’t do anyway because of my spine curve, I just swayed my legs back and forth. I did appreciate the challenging poses Becka made us try, such as 8-angle pose (astavakrasana).

After yoga I went home and showered quick before heading out to meet Steve for lunch. I was super hungry from not having eaten plus the yoga, so when we got to Jamba Juice, I decided to order a smoothie bowl for more substance. While we were eating/drinking, we sat in this random courtyard at the U of MN and did a couple raids in Pokémon Go and chatting about Steve’s day. And of course, because the world is weird and small, we ran into my old coworker Janice from Nokomis, the speech pathologist. She was apparently there with her daughter. We talked awkwardly for a minute and then she sat by herself and we sat across the courtyard. lol. I was there to hang out with Steve!!!!

When Steve went back to work and I went home, I was just waiting for him to come home. I ended up napping for a couple hours until he got back, and he was self-proclaimed crabby and I was worried about him! I tried to make him feel better with low to mixed success, and he decided to play a bit of ITG while I knitted and watched Parks and Rec. He had an okay day... at the very least he got some exercise in, which was good.

Nick came over soon after he finished playing and showering, and we went to pick up Naf Naf. I had eaten my leftovers from Olive Garden so I didn’t get anything. I spent the rest of the night finishing my sock #1 with the Totoro colorway, and I’m so excited to get started on the second one. It fits perfectly and looks so cute! Pics when I finish the second one. During that time, Steve finished Yakuza Kiwami and it was amazing. A+ game. The second one comes out at the end of the month, and Steve will def get it right away.

Sleep was difficult again, tossing and turning for hours, super anxious.

Friday was a really chill day at Parkway - Tealie and I had the kids work some more on their work before taking them outside and that was really fun. We chatted a lot about jobs and life, and Andy and Todd also talked to me about jobs. I had forwarded them all an email from the SpEd supervisor, Julie, in the district I'm moving to, and also to Jan (but Jan said she couldn't leave St. Paul). Andy contacted Julie and he wasn't sure he'd fit in because he wants and ASD-exclusive program, not cross-categorical, but on Friday he said he found out the assistant principal at my school is an old colleague of his, so he plans on contacting him to get the scoop. Todd had initially thanked me for sending the info but thought he definitely wouldn't leave... and by Friday he was like "I'm calling her today on my prep." I teased him and said "Hey, there's another opening at Maplewood Middle and I'm pretty sure it's for reading support... wanna be a team again next year?!" Personally I think Todd and I make really good counterparts to each other and we're both hard-asses with high expectations but also have the ability to connect with the kids and loosen up. I legit would love to be a team next year if he could swing it.

Oh, speaking of loosening up-


lollll "They can actually take jokes." Natalie is a Hmong student with a non-montessori background who has done so well in our class this year. I love her.

2nd block we went outside because it was Fun Friday. The first group was chill, I sat on a bench across from DQ, who spent the entire 20 minutes or so yelling "help" for his own entertainment and to annoy Chanel I'm pretty sure. Chanel is good with consistency but god does she talk too much to kids when they're trying to get negative attention. I thought DQ was being kind of funny, and his yelling was just silly. Like he does things to purposely upset her even if he has a consequence. For example, the other week he refused to pick up a waterbottle he left on the ground before we went in, because SHE told him he needed to, and mentioned like a thousand times he was gonna go to Reset if he didn't. This week he ate two bags fruit snacks and dropped the wrappers on the ground, and I reminded him that those needed to be thrown away. He did the "what wrappers?!" thing and covered them with his feet. While Chanel would say something in a serious tone and threaten reset, he and I bantered back and forth about the crazy disappearance of bright pink wrappers, and I said to just not let them blow away before we went in. And then he picked them up without me asking him to when we left. Part of it is he can obviously get a reaction/attention/verbiage out of her, and I think with me part of it for most kids is that I just kind of make it clear what my expectation is with the tone of "I know you'll do what is needed and I'm gonna just leave it at that" - like, they're old enough to know what to do and I trust they'll do it. (And of course when they DON'T, I'm very much like, "Ooookayyyyy then, that sucks but I'm still not mad here's the consequence you knew was coming"). Anyway, in my second group only Dyshawn wanted to go outside and he asked if he could bring a friend so we grabbed Dacarie, and Tealie's class was outside too so we got to talk some more!

Tealie and I have gotten a lot closer this year, and we got pretty close last year even though we didn't work together. Our first year together we spent a lot of time stepping around each other and had a couple of tense weeks where we weren't talking things through, and then our second year we were much better but still had some tense moments. Working with Brian changed Tealie's attitude, and this year we've been REALLY chill and not taken things too seriously, and now that she's got all of her curriculum down she's not spending the time she was with planning and creating the same way she was before. We also received a lot of mixed messages about our roles in the classroom during our first two years, and with more clear expectations, we are much calmer. Also maybe with Anna gone - her previous work best friend (they're still very close outside of work and I think they're connected by a marriage in their families or something) - she feels more free to hang out with me. I was worried for a bit because she and Steph were teacher leaders at CMStep in Cincinnati last summer and are still helping out with that, that I'd get pushed out because Steph is so needy, but after the first couple of months and things settled, Tealie still prefers my attitude to Steph's generally. I'm really gonna miss her, we always referred to each other as the "dream team" even when I was teaching with Jenny Madden and she was teaching with Brian. I have a feeling though we'll stay in touch and hang out more outside of work instead!

At Nokomis I spent the afternoon testing a couple kids, one for a complicated initial eval. He got into a car accident a couple of years ago and has a diagnosis of TBI. From an academic standpoint, he's doing just fine. He's personable, conversational, and quick. On reading he stuttered frequently over words which is not a part of his speech patterns. I have some more testing to do on him next week. He seems like a huge sweetheart. I met with my special ed lead for Nokomis, Shannon, and asked her to do some observations and a parent interview for him (I like observations but they take time and I HATE interviews). Yay! I also sent home some forms for his family to fill out.

This weekend is Gamer Weekend aka picking up Noah. i came home to a sleeping Steve and cuddled into him and watched Hearthstone while he napped and I unsuccessfully tried to nap. I woke him up at 4 and we headed down to Fairbault. We hit some random annoying traffic beginning in Burnsville whichslowed us way down, but otherwise it was good. I finished most of one of my mom's gloves - got the ends weaved in (or knotted when I got sick of it) and the bulk of the second one done too. Driving down with Steve was cute and I love spending time with him. We had to go straight back home because I had plans to see my dearest Breanna!

At nick's suggestion we met at a place called Pinstripes. It's in a rich city that's about halfway between our houses. Meals are $15-25 and drinks are an average of $11 per. Bre really wanted to walk around the lake/park and I was in my wedges, but two drinks was the perfect amount to distract me from any pain I might have encountered while walking. Mostly we talked about our various lives - catching up on her nursing school stuff, my work, her moving back with Lamin now that she's finished studying, updating on her parents (back in love) and aunt (enabling) and cousin (alcoholic + meth) and brother (still mentally ill and just moved back home) and our mutual friends (off and on with Holly and about to take a trip with her, off with Lindsey), making up with Hannah, Gleb's sister just had a baby, and random high school peeps. For my part I didn't really talk all that much other than about my family and Steve, and work and summer, and offering opinions or asking questions (talked about being off birth control, asked about her plans for kids etc.).

We walked and talked or sat in the gorgeous park for most of the night, with me sending pics and updates to Steve, as I think this was the first time I was out alone for so long since Feb and I didn't want him to worry about me. Bre commented a couple of times about my texting him, but I just told her he missed me. She was okay with that.

At midnight the park and restaurant closed so we headed out. It was really good seeing her, and I'd like to spend more time with her in the future. In a dinner-like or relaxed even capacity though, not on the daily. I'm too much of a loner for a lot of hangouts, like she and Holly are going on TWO camping trips over the next month. Not the thing for me! Only if I'm with Steve basically am I okay with that at this point. lol.

Came home and hung out with Steve and Noah for a bit but I was SO TIRED. So bedtime it is.

I have some big news pending, but I don't want to say anything unless it's for sure. Suffice to say, fingers crossed and I hope to be able to share it with you soon! Well, I will either way but let's hope it all works out!

Steve and I reviewed our finances and noticed that we spend a horrendous amount of money per month on eating out, followed by things like coffee, jamba juice, etc. So we sat down with Paul and worked out our budget, and we're trying to stick by that now - including an "allowance." It should really help us with saving more money, and on not gaining unnecessary pounds with fatty foods!

I beat Bayonetta last weekend, and I've been replaying it on one difficulty level harder, and I've gotten so good at it, getting trophies left and right! It's a fantastic game.

So... Being too busy has begun to get to me, heh. On Sunday night I got more anxious than I have been in quite some time and I didn't fall asleep until just before Steve came to bed around 3am (He took a 5-day weekend to use up his remaining vacation time before the year ends), and then of course when he woke me up the anxiety cycle restarted. I ended up calling in Monday and yesterday, to catch my breath and also to spend some time with Steve. I mean, I still had school on Monday, and I had a chiro appointment that I ultimately skipped, but it was still good to actually get sleep on not be stressed with the new trimester. I'm definitely over all the rules and controlling of Bath and Body works. I can't wait to be done. I just am not interested in the way it's run, especially with that one manager I simply can't stand. She's rude. And omg my time is so busy. Ughhghghhghhh.

So instead I got to play copious amounts of Rock Band 3!

Pat told me yesterday that it was "refreshing" to have someone who consistently wanted to do vocals. I was surprised because I feel like a bossy twat whenever I'm on vocals, simply because I don't like to do anything else. Guitar Hero I can play on guitar, and I was quite good at it at one point when I lived at Dan's parent's house and played with Michael, but for some reason it just isn't the same on Rock Band. Probably because there's soooo much repetition of notes versus variety. I just HATE the guitar. And let's face it, I am not a drummer. I like to sing, and I can USUALLY figure out pitch. Whenever ANYONE (usually female) asks to sing when I'm being vocals, I get all stiff like they think I'm hogging them and I need to share. I think I might be paranoid. XD

That 70's Show is so good. We've switched back to that being out background show. And omg Breaking Bad is amazing. We finally started the 5th season and it's GREAT.

I'm dyeing my hair Christmas colors this time... I was originally going to do a pink/green/purple or pink/green/blue combo, but then Steve pointed out that it's the holidays, so we got some red and I'm working on the colors right now! I'll post a pic when finished.

When I was at school on Monday, the professor asked for a show of hands who planned to do the hybrid program (mostly online), or the traditional program (once a week face-to-face). Most people raised their hands at hybrid. The class was about half that of when we started. This is due to a combination of people dropping out of the program with a smattering of people who didn't need the course. It was weird. My 3 favorite people were still in it, so I sat by them this time so I didn't have to get stuck with annoying guy. Anyway, during the break one of the students talked with the professor about the differences in the programs, and apparently the professor told them that while the face-to-face program does require the attendance commitment, there's a lot less busy work and most of the work is done in class. Ugh. WHYYY SO MEAN!?!?!? I mean, I get it. They want to make sure students are learning when not attending class so they assign a bunch of things. Is attending a class once a week a good trade-off for not having a ton of independent work? I'm so torn!

P.S. the urologist called back with my test results and said that even though my numbers were far improved, I was still showing some of that bacteria they don't want, so it's back to no sex for a couple weeks and a mega dose of medication. AND another follow-up appointment. Woo.

I almost decided to lead a double life for a moment. Quite surreal, and insane how easily it could happen. In another life, I think. But not now. I'm glad I peeked through the window, though. I needed to.

I've been able to talk to Bre relatively frequently lately, and I like that. She and Lamin even visited the townhouse for a bit on their way to a rodeo in Wisconsin. I love her inability to have a filter, and her brutal honesty, but above all, her genuineness. There is no way for that girl to be disingenuous and it's that quality that keeps her so near and dear to my heart.

When writing on my phone I must hit the letter k instead of m about 90% of the time and the text predictor always changes 'my' to 'Kyoto'. Lol.

Been playing a lot of Persona 3 Portable on the PSP and watching a lot of Breaking Bad with Steve and Pat. I'll be finished with my first grad school class this weekend and immediately start class number two! Otherwise there's not too much else going on, just seeing family here and there. Steve did the Mud Factor 5k obstacle course with me and will do the Warrior Dash next summer with me. Warrior dash was way more fun anyway even if the mud smelled and felt like actual shit. Mud Factor has amazing soft sandy mud that did not stink.

Oops! Break is over!

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Sooo, I'm reading this book based on the incredibly terrifying and gruesome Hi-Fi Murders. Steve says I'm morbid. I know I am. When I was in 11th grade and had to find a skeleton picture as the cover of my Shakespeare reviews or whatever, I spent hours discovering gory death pictures after that was the majority of search results. I haunted my dreams with awful ways people look after being murdered or committing suicide. The Hi-Fi murders are particularly horrible because they were planned deaths of random people. That is, the primary killer decided that he would horrifically murder anyone present during the robbery of an electronics store. The book is non-fiction, weaved together from interviews with the survivor and anyone involved (including the murderer) as well as testimony from the trials. The book is highly detailed to the level I desire, which only intensifies the effect. I've spent two lunch breaks with teary eyes wallowing in the despair the family experienced and is poignantly captured. I was talking to Steve about how amazing it is and at one point he burst out laughing because I "Leah'd" - a term with many definitions but is frequently referenced when I tell unnecessary details because *I* would want them (the example in question was where I was talking about an investigator and felt the need to explain that he was actually sort of retired and not the *main* investigator but it's still cool that the murderer in this case is also the murderer in the ONLY unsolved homicide he had). I was most moved by a man whose wife and 16-year-old son were both involved in the murders. He describes how it felt to face his dead wife in all her ruined glory and having to come to terms with the fact that the woman he was with for 36 years and was his "partner for life" was gone. Yep. Just gone. No more. The end. Never coming back. Over. And how he had to be strong while each of his other family members mourned after they arrived at the hospital and that he had to close off his heart to the fact that his life partner, who he was JUST talking to before she left to find their son (AND she was frantic with worry at the son not returning home yet and he told her she was overreacting. Think about THAT guilt), was dead forever. I explained to Steve that for me it would be a CONSTANT immediate back-and-forth where I would tell myself that information and then swiftly reject it with an "IMPOSSIBLE NO IT'S NOT TRUE IT'S NOT I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT FUCK YOU IT JUST SIMPLY IS NOT POSSIBLE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS AND NO TAKE IT BACK." Rinse and repeat.

As a result, I should not have been surprised to have a similar heart-wrenching dream in which I left a church and drove by many crazed velociraptors (naturally) and when I arrived at his office building I KNEW that Steve had been attacked by raptors and I was frantically trying to find out where he was and I went to the hospital to find him and I was screaming for him and I knew he was dead but I couldn't accept it and I knew I would try to take it back when I found his mangled body and I kept willing him to be alive and not hurt. I woke up with my "trying to cry" face on, breathing all heavy and terrified. I immediately rolled over to Steve and cuddled him super hard and could not let go of him for several hours. And of course when I tried to fall back asleep I had to try to force the remnants of the dream away so I could stop trying to manipulate it and fail. My dreams like that go in endless circles as my brain refuses to allow a proper ending. But seriously, when I imagine that he could just *poof* and be gone just like that from my life, I feel exceptionally suffocatey and hyperventilatey and will it never to come to pass (which Steve also includes in my morbid thinking category). He is just the most important person in my life. If I think about it hard enough I want to keep him locked up at home so nothing bad could ever happen to him. Thank god I don't want kids because I'd freak every time they left the driveway. This exact thing is why I HATED the movie Practical Magic - the moment when Sandra Bullock thinks that she and her husband's love will overcome the curse but then there's that stupid cricket or whatever and she tries frantically to catch it but can't and her stupid husband dies anyway. NO. NO.

In other news, I officially applied to grad school for an ABS license, which will be a broad licensure allowing me to teach levels 1 and 2 of EBD, LD, and Autism and I can go back again to get licensed for 3 and 4. I went to the informational meeting and everyone there (prospective students as well as faculty) agreed that the type of license is a great investment and there's been a growing need for me-types.

Steve and I are also doing what we're calling "ghetto week" and seeing who can make the best of of $20 from Friday to Friday. This of course does not really include not spending anything, because it kind of ruins the fun. So we each got a $20 bill to spend on whatever we like for the week and we aren't allowed to spend anything more (excludes gas). It's easily doable, but we're so frivolous with the money we don't put in savings that it's a cute game for us to be frugal. Yes, we admit we are privileged, even with me working a crappy-paying job.

My weekend was kind of a blur, mostly because I was deathly ill on Saturday.

Friday I was NOT IN THE MOOD for anything work because I was achey and my throat hurt. It was awesome then that only one of the four babies was present in the latter half of the day. But in the first half I had to continue working with the preschoolers on a dance myself and another teacher are preparing for the Spring Program, which entailed a lot of dancing and movement and was simply not cool. One of the parents of a baby let slip that one of the toddlers had bronchitis over the previous weekend (and said child had been coughing into my face all week), and I didn't know bronchitis was contagious. Now, I'm probably being a baby and don't have bronchitis since I have not been incubating a cold for a week or more or anything, but I've had a stuffy head, been feverish, severely aching and experiencing deep painful coughs that have contributed to a very unhappy throat. I've basically been overloading with DayQuil, Mucinex, Naproxen, and Emergen-C in an effort to rid myself of this BS as I am a giant crybaby when I'm sick and I hate going to work when sick. It seems to be relatively paying off, as my aches (the WORST for me, completely put me out of commission whenever I get them) have mostly subsided. The rest is manageable and I also bought cough drops, woo! But as a result, I lost the vast majority of my weekend to sleep/rolling around the bed/hobbling to various house locations pitifully, which was very disappointing as the weather was nice this weekend (in the 60's, where it's been in the 40's for the past week and will resume said crap this week). I was really motivated to get out and go running too!

I finished a Kindle book I recently purchased - 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. I purchased it when reading through a blog in which the woman was going through a job slump and she happened to mention keeping track of her time and trying to figure out how to make more time for herself in order to work on her core competencies and feel good about what she does. The book is pretty interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. I really liked how she continuously reiterated the need to hone your skills and focus on what you're good at. A large part references families, but it's easy to apply to my own life as well. It's made me very excited to attend the informational meeting about graduate programs tomorrow. I also watched a documentary on the failing public school system on Netflix (Waiting for Superman, if you're interested), a really interesting documentary on being open-minded and taking a severely autistic (though high-functioning) boy to shamans to see if there's any way to help him (The Horse Boy), one on the Scrabble tournament in 2004, and a really cheesy one about quantum physics that actually presented some unique information that has made me want to project a more positive outlook on myself. Yeah, so I guess I knocked off a bunch of Netflix queue stuff, but didn't do anything I really wanted to.

Oh, I DID knit a quick scarf with some lovely new yarn
( as seen here: )

( Oh, and as long as I'm adding pics... )

Jenny, the woman who started dying my bangs, did awesome at letting the black mix with the pink and since I've stopped going to her (the drive is just so damn FAR), I've tried my damnedest to keep the look going. I think I do a pretty good job, and is very cheap - I paid $14 for the "demi-permanent" pink dye, and am getting many uses out of it. Versus $20-$40 a pop when going to Jenny, plus tip and gas both ways.

On Friday Steve and I spent the afternoon texting in Haiku. It was awesome and adorable and omg I love our relationship.

Pat broke up with Faith on Friday AT OUR HOUSE OVER THE PHONE and got back together with her today, which everyone in the friends group disagrees with and he will be receiving very deep glares from me over the next week.

...I loved being a case manager.

There. I said it.

I loved following documentation guidelines and feeling productive, successful, and like I was making a difference. I loved feeling important, and like what I did mattered.

....


What I hated (and eventually drove me away) was the unpredictability of the clientele. I hated that I could have an entire day meticulously planned and it would all go to shit because one (or 4) clients were having crises, meltdowns, or in a sticky situation due to poor decisions or whatever that they felt entitled to have me fix.

I'm not saying my job is intolerable, because it's not. I can do this. But I hate feeling like a glorified babysitter in a negative setting, and I panic when I think about the lead teacher going on bed rest/maternity leave and I'm all by myself. The toddler classroom now has 13 kids to the teacher (when the ratio is supposed to be 7:1) and I'm terrified we'll get licensed for more babies before summer's up and I might get trapped with more than 4 babies. It'd be a nightmare. And I seriously don't like babies.


I may be looking at and potentially applying to basically the exact same job, only with the DD/TBI/etc population. I loved working with Autism and while it's my preferred area, it appears to be a lot of others' as well. Being "special" does not guarantee crisis all the time and certainly doesn't mean entitlement (though I won't say it doesn't exist, I have rarely seen it in the population I have met).

That is all. *sheepish*