A Heart's a Heavy Burden

For posterity I just want to post that I finally finished Under the Dome (the novel, not the show).

Here is how it went for me:
1. Unknown number of years ago: began the book, got about halfway
2. Life, got busy, forgot about it
3. 2018: get book, find bookmarked page, can't remember anything happening in it whatsoever. Start over.
4. Read about a third of the way. Put it down because life.
5. 2019: get book, remember where I was, keep reading. Forget that I ever read any of it before. At every major event think, "Wait. It feels like I read this before."
6. 2020: Wait, DID I read this before? DID I FINISH IT????
7. Feb 8-9, 2020: realize I did not, in fact, finish the book before. Relief. Finally get to a part I haven't read before. Quietly read all weekend, finish at 1am.
8. Accomplishment.



I enjoyed it! I thought SK decently handled the difficulties of trying to make a realistic dome that could not be outsmarted. It did not feel altogether different from The Stand, which isn't a bad thing. 

Last day of school. I was very late as usual. Brian asked me to either cover for him for something, or test Vincente. I opted for testing Vincente, which worked out best for everyone because Vincente loves me so much and would do anything for me. Testing reveals he does not have a learning disability. He is very smart, too. He was very good for testing, trying his best.



We went to the auditorium and had awards, which were adorable and fun. Then we had field day, which was also very fun. The kids did so many cute activities, and Malik only got mad when the girls won tug of war and he thought I helped them (for the record, I didn’t, I just told them I was going to). He got over that much faster than expected and we had such a fun time. We did kickball, three legged race, water balloon games, and of course the tug of war. As always, pics are clickable for higher quality.







I spent the rest of the day fielding Malik and Vincente and saying goodbye. Malik took my leaving well and said I could find him at the community center this summer, and Vincente kept saying I wasn’t leaving. I found my desk graffiti’d later in the day, which I 99% suspect was Vincente, that said “Leah is the best teacher”. He gave me like 5 hugs, and Malik let me squeeze his shoulder affectionately when I said goodbye. It was very bittersweet.

After all that emotion I had to race home and pack for Madison! That’s right, my day wasn’t close to over.

I downloaded Name of the Wind, our next audiobook adventure. Steve smartly suggested it after we finished game of thrones. If you haven’t read it, you HAVE to read Name of the Wind. It’s slightly slow as the setup happens, but that’s only for the first 3 chapters. Then it takes off, and it takes off fast. I’d say in every session I have teared up from how intense and powerful the book is. It’s amazing, one of the best of all time, Patrick Rothfuss is a ridiculously talented author. I should also clarify that I’ve read his books several times.

We arrived at Ben and Sean’s in time for a late dinner at Cafe Hollander, which Steve and I picked after they told us we are “honorary Madisonites” and are also now residents of their house because we stayed there when they were gone and fed the cats and watered the plants. So honored. It was chillier than we anticipated but we sat outside anyway. I ordered a veggie burger with what they called a garlic aioli but was actually a bad mayonnaise and did not hold a candle to French Meadow’s real aioli.

After dinner we walked around a little playing Pokémon go, and then it was time to head back to the house and go to sleep.

I drink a fair amount of coffee. I consume enough caffeine that I can go a day or two without coffee, and there's enough in my system that I don't get withdrawals immediately. I'm NOT one of those people who says "I'm not human until I've had coffee" or whatever. I simply like the taste, it's part of my routine, and I'm generally more pleasant when I drink it. It does NOT make me feel more awake. But it gives me something to do with my hands. My point is, we always have coffee on hand. Except not today. When we went grocery shopping last weekend, we made the mistake of thinking we had enough coffee to get through the week, and forgot to pick some up at any point DURING said week. So today, we were out. Sadness. Instead, we had some black tea on the couch this morning, and while far more watery and far less coffee-y, it was still quite tasty and cute.

Friday means basketball during foundations, and Todd told me he plans to try to get the kids in the gym for Tuesday and Thursday and play dumb about the "cleaning." I told him to go for it but you all know how my gym battle went all year.

First block started out today much like yesterday, with me taking someone to Reset, only today it was Chaz. Chaz decided to stand on a chair and sing the "Charge!" song like they play at sports games, only instead of the "dun-dun-duns" and "charge," every sound was replaced with the word "Shit." Awesome. So I took him into the other room while I wrote out the write-up, and there's a box for "Perceived Motivation" - options include obtaining peer attention, obtaining adult attention, avoiding peers/adults/activities, etc. I asked him why he did that, and he said,  "Because I wanted you to take me to get my iPad." Okay, so I asked if he wanted my attention. He said yes. Lol. Easy peasy. I told him he could have just... ya know... gotten my attention normally. We walked up to reset and after we processed, we got his iPad from Corri (though it wasn't as easy as I'm saying and actually took about 15 minutes after the "Listen to Corri vent" tax) and went back to class.

Kids started their presentations today on their Real Life project. Malik went first, but requested Tealie present for him. He had a super goofy filtered pic of him on his first slide, and he was trying SO HARD to keep a straight face when people giggled at it, saying "What's funny?!" but totally giving himself away. I saw Tealie trying to grade on slips of paper so I texted her from across the room telling her I was grading them right in Schoology. It was funny.

2nd block Vincente requested to work in my room instead of going to his electives, and I try to grant this request occasionally because I know it makes the teachers' lives easier and he usually works for me. He did work for the entire first skinny (40 minutes), and in the second skinny he had stopped working but he stayed quiet. Tre'Kari's dad showed up unexpectedly and we had a super awkward confrontation that resulted in Tre having to go in the hall with him and get yelled at.

Stopped home, saw Steve, had a super difficult time leaving. I cut up our last two mangoes and we ate them while talking about our plans for the evening/weekend, and when we planned on leaving. I reminded Steve to eat the food in the fridge and then headed to Nokomis. I only saw Leon and Jeremy today, as Maddy went out of town and Khilanni was in lesson. Today Olivia and Lynnea read their current story ("Bugs!") and we did the first comprehension page. They did SUPER well today and I didn't even have to argue with them about WHEN we color. The outcome is ALWAYS the same, not sure at this point why they try, though it's gotten to the point where they talk about coloring as they get their folders or word cards, so maybe it's just habit still.

I debated whether to dip out early or wait for Janet, the social worker, who wanted to stop by and see me. Janet works for both Nokomis North AND Nokomis South, and it sounds like she's often got her hands full at North, so we rarely see each other. She did eventually make it in and we talked about a couple things we need to take care of, and THEN I left. On the way home though I did stop at a gym and take it. Naturally.

When I got home I decided to water the garden and my hanging plant quick, and while I was outside Steve came out to meet me. I THOUGHT he was just so excited to see me, but instead he was VERY nervous and did the like, "Remember how much you love me when I tell you what I'm about to tell you..." and I immediately tried to brace myself for him telling me that one of my shirts was ruined, which is a lot bigger deal to me than you'd think. I'm so autistic when it comes to my clothes, I get more devastated than the average person about those things. I was sooo stressed and then Steve pulls out this tangled mess and confesses that he washed one of my latest projects. The glove itself was fine, as it turns out, just the remaining yarn was basically ruined because it half-felted into itself and it's not worth it to try to mess with. Guess what though? That was a mini kit and each glove had its own skein of yarn anyway. No problem! God, it was funny. Steve is so cute.

So Steve had done the laundry (yay!), which meant it was super easy packing up, just making sure I remembered my yarn, needles, and patterns along with the projects I want to be working on this weekend. I brought Mom's gloves I'm working on for Mother's Day, as well as Steve's sock, and of course the materials for the project for tomorrow. I'm sooo into knitting these days. On the 4-hour drive I got the majority of the first glove (take 2) done. It's looking MUCH better this time around. For some reason I just am not that great at chunks of colorwork, especially in the round. My tension gets so wonky and is a terrible show of my actual knitting skill, so my solution is to do the colorwork on the cuffs, but the cat heads I'm duplicate-stitching on.

We had planned to stop at the vegan place we ate at when we were in Wisconsin Dells, but it turns out it wasn't where we thought it was, and by the time we would get to it, it would be too close to closing. I recognized where we were though, and that cute cafe we went to after getting massages was open, and had delicious food. We got the same appetizer as last time (goat cheese, roasted garlic and peppers), and I tried their veggie burger. This cafe is so out of place in such a small town... the food is really good and there's a decent variety of vegetarian items, in this weird-ass diner-style cafe. In the bathroom there was a sign saying that the building and its accompanying plumbing is over 150 years old. The only other thing of note there was that Steve went into a bathroom (single stall) that turned out to be labeled as a women's bathroom, but he couldn't have known that because the door was wide open and the men's bathroom was hidden, so it just seemed like... a one-person bathroom. Which it was. A grumpy looking old lady waited outside for him and then made it her business to notify him that he used the wrong bathroom. Steve, caught unawares, was classic Steve and was like, "Oh, I had no idea! Whoops!" The old lady was not having it though and CLEARLY thought he had violated some prissy code in her head, and I had like a thousand sassy comments plus a fist for her stupid face if she said one more thing to him. Like, has she never had men in her HOUSE, where ALL bathrooms are gender neutral?? Twat.

We left there a little after 8 and had about 45 minutes to go. We listened to Game of Thrones the whole way, as we do. We've got less than 5 hours left of Book 5! OMG!!! We're actually almost caught up with everyone else, which is both exciting (because of course everything is so interesting and it'll be nice to have all the info) and stressful (I WANT MOOOOORE!!!). Now we're relaxing at Ben and Sean's, so tired. The plan is to get up and go garage sale-ing, Madison-style, before my class tomorrow. But for now, couchpod and sleeeeep.

(side note: I started this entry over the weekend of the 16th and got half of a sentence in... lol)
On Thursday I ditched school, picked up Steve and we went to see Patrick Rothfuss at this tiny little "bar and hall" in downtown Saint Paul. I mean, I wouldn't say "ditched" per se because I told the professor about it ahead of time and everything but I didn't tell Blake I had a different engagement other than school. We were the first ones waiting in this atrium area in front of the "red doors" that were specified. I was very territorial about the doors but I was trying to act nonchalant, knitting my scarf and talking to Steve (he played a lot of the "facebook status bot" game and it was pretty funny). But on the inside I was so very "Line starts behind ME!!!" to anyone new who came in. Eventually I just actually stood in front of the door instead of near it. I wanted to get the best seats and I didn't care who was annoyed at me about it! I was the first one in and I got seats literally front and center. I didn't know who Paul and Storm were but I figured I would be getting acquainted with them in the near future due to my seating position. There was this very nice middle-aged woman who was the MOST Minnesota, and she offered to get Steve and myself drinks for watching her seats (we declined the drinks, and I followed her up to the bar). I didn't know what to get other than a red bull for Steve, so I was looking around at the other people. A man walked up to another person kitty-corner to me and introduced himself very gentlemanly-like to PATRICK ROTHFUSS!!! I didn't even notice he was standing basically RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I took a secret picture and sent the lady to get Steve. Pretty soon other people started coming, and I knew he would be staying after to sign books (I mean, he stayed NINE hours in Madrid signing books and this was not only a ticketed event, but many people didn't even hear about it) so I made sure we got pictures with him and told him how awesome he was, but we quickly left him alone because he was getting bombarded with people and we felt bad. Then when Paul and Storm were about to come on, he peeked out and we made eye contact so I waved to him AND HE WAVED BACKKKK. I felt a huge wave of starstruckness and also some embarrassment at being a tool.

Paul and Storm were pretty funny, they kept the crowd giggling, and then on one of the last songs ("Frogger") Paul grabbed me from the audience and sang to me/with me or whatever. I almost died. I was still knitting at that point and he actually said, in front of everyone, "You can bring your knitting if you want"!! omgggg. He spit on me in singing enthusiasm and Steve got a few pics. It was awesome but also kind of the worst because everyone was staring at me.

Patrick Rothfuss came out and read his first "Children's" book and talked a lot about it as well as the origins, and pointed out that while he is not allowed to sell copies of the second book online, that he could sell them at the merchandise booth. I was sooo excited!!! After he was finished, he opened up for some question time, and while most of the questions were boring, someone DID start to say something about the Adem being modeled after people on the Autism spectrum, and Patrick seemed to get a almost offended and said that the Adem are nothing like people on the spectrum and his tone implied that the guy asking the question was pretty dumb to think so (while I wouldn't have gotten as huffy about it, I obviously agree - the Adem may SEEM autistic until you realize how they communicate and that their whole world is BUILT around understanding body language and expression... duh) . Someone asked if he'd been to therapy. It sounded as if it was supposed to be a joke, but Patrick took the opportunity to disclose that he's actually been in therapy for a year, and he started therapy because his marriage was falling apart and he has been a really angry person for a long time, and that he and Sarah were about to get a divorce. He said that therapy helped him work through a lot of his anger, fix his relationship, and be a better father. It was an intense and touching confession, and I'm so glad he told us about it and that his life has improved!

After that, he told us about how he was an "advice columnist" for his school newspaper in college and he read some of his columns. They were so funny and great. One of them entailed a story about how he convinced his RA and floor supervisor to let him keep his guinea pigs by saying they were fish (The punchline was where he stuck one of his guinea pigs in a tank and when the RA freaked out and asked what the hell he was doing he said, "I'm. showing you. my fish."), and one where he debated slow zombies vs. fast zombies using sex as an analogy (both have their merits and downfalls but it's really personal preference).

After he was done, he set up at a table for book signing and chatting. He said that he hates that he has to stop chatting with people at long signings (like in Madrid) because it's like his favorite part - talking to the fans and really connecting. Steve and I had to run around the building to take out cash and I was worried about not getting a copy of the second Princess and Mr. Whiffle but it was okay :) Then we waited in line for a long while even though there were only like 20-30 people in front of us, which was awesome because it showed that we'd get to talk with him for a few minutes. With the people in front of us they discussed the comparative value of the money in the books (one talent can be VERY ROUGHLY compared to $1000, at the basic level). When we got up there we gushed a bit, talked about how it's impossible to remember people's names, and the fact that Patrick is considering releasing a book inbetween Wise Man's Fear and The Doors of Stone that takes place in the same world. When Steve and I told him that we would love ANY books in that universe and would happily read every single book he puts out, AND not to listen to the idiots whining about wanting the third book because they are just being selfish jerks, he thanked us and said that he will now really consider doing it, and he said it would be very easy to finish and publish. So that's exciting!

It was a great night.

It's amazing that, after several horrible weeks with temperatures 95 degrees or above, a day where it's 84 degrees at its hottest point doesn't even make me break a sweat. In the morning it was 78 and it felt downright chilly. Such is the power of acclimation.

I've been spending my time over the past couple days reading It by Stephen King, mostly because it's been smiling slyly at me for many a moon, and artly because sooo many people had a cow during and after reading it. I'm skeptical of their loud views, because I can't really imagine SK being any different in his vulgarity than any of his other books. The worst thing I have ever read was a description in Different Seasons of an ex-Nazi soldier killing a cat in an oven. Typically I literally skip anything that describes an animal mutilation because it is just Too Much for Me (human mutilation, on the other hand, is perfectly stomachable), but I fucked up hardcore in that book, and it ruined my life. But I have a suspicion that AFTER reading the cat's death was when I resolved not to read the section of vivid animal torture.

I digress.

I'm almost halfway (the book is 1074 pages hardcover), and so far it feels like classic King. I haven't been scared thus far really, though I expected it as most of his older works haven't had that effect on me (though Misery is still probably the scariest book I've read by him, where there was a part that literally made me jump, I was that absorbed in the scene), not to mention I remember seeing the movie a couple times as a child and not being afraid. I've enjoyed the character development and the way the book has woven together up to this point. I've reached a turning point for the characters and I'm excited to find out what lies around the next corner.

Otherwise I'd been holding my breath for the transitional case manager position at MHR, and when I heard nothing I checked the site to see if maybe they were waiting for me to apply online as well, and to my horror the position was gone! After I talked to them and everything! I was very dismayed at first, but then I clicked on a new position up which was titled Senior Case Manager. I was curious and clicked on it, and it appears to be the Transitional position under a new name. A new name that sounds WAY cooler omg. I immediately applied and followed up on facebook with two of my connections, hoping it'll get me an interview. My stomach is all jumpy and nervous, and I really, desperately want it. I want to pull my goddamn hair out at work constantly. I'm suffocating and you have no idea how badly I just want to tell them to fuck off. I cannot WAIT to put in my two weeks (but then I KNOW those two weeks will be hell while everyone hates me). Just want outttt.

Sooo, I'm reading this book based on the incredibly terrifying and gruesome Hi-Fi Murders. Steve says I'm morbid. I know I am. When I was in 11th grade and had to find a skeleton picture as the cover of my Shakespeare reviews or whatever, I spent hours discovering gory death pictures after that was the majority of search results. I haunted my dreams with awful ways people look after being murdered or committing suicide. The Hi-Fi murders are particularly horrible because they were planned deaths of random people. That is, the primary killer decided that he would horrifically murder anyone present during the robbery of an electronics store. The book is non-fiction, weaved together from interviews with the survivor and anyone involved (including the murderer) as well as testimony from the trials. The book is highly detailed to the level I desire, which only intensifies the effect. I've spent two lunch breaks with teary eyes wallowing in the despair the family experienced and is poignantly captured. I was talking to Steve about how amazing it is and at one point he burst out laughing because I "Leah'd" - a term with many definitions but is frequently referenced when I tell unnecessary details because *I* would want them (the example in question was where I was talking about an investigator and felt the need to explain that he was actually sort of retired and not the *main* investigator but it's still cool that the murderer in this case is also the murderer in the ONLY unsolved homicide he had). I was most moved by a man whose wife and 16-year-old son were both involved in the murders. He describes how it felt to face his dead wife in all her ruined glory and having to come to terms with the fact that the woman he was with for 36 years and was his "partner for life" was gone. Yep. Just gone. No more. The end. Never coming back. Over. And how he had to be strong while each of his other family members mourned after they arrived at the hospital and that he had to close off his heart to the fact that his life partner, who he was JUST talking to before she left to find their son (AND she was frantic with worry at the son not returning home yet and he told her she was overreacting. Think about THAT guilt), was dead forever. I explained to Steve that for me it would be a CONSTANT immediate back-and-forth where I would tell myself that information and then swiftly reject it with an "IMPOSSIBLE NO IT'S NOT TRUE IT'S NOT I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT FUCK YOU IT JUST SIMPLY IS NOT POSSIBLE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS AND NO TAKE IT BACK." Rinse and repeat.

As a result, I should not have been surprised to have a similar heart-wrenching dream in which I left a church and drove by many crazed velociraptors (naturally) and when I arrived at his office building I KNEW that Steve had been attacked by raptors and I was frantically trying to find out where he was and I went to the hospital to find him and I was screaming for him and I knew he was dead but I couldn't accept it and I knew I would try to take it back when I found his mangled body and I kept willing him to be alive and not hurt. I woke up with my "trying to cry" face on, breathing all heavy and terrified. I immediately rolled over to Steve and cuddled him super hard and could not let go of him for several hours. And of course when I tried to fall back asleep I had to try to force the remnants of the dream away so I could stop trying to manipulate it and fail. My dreams like that go in endless circles as my brain refuses to allow a proper ending. But seriously, when I imagine that he could just *poof* and be gone just like that from my life, I feel exceptionally suffocatey and hyperventilatey and will it never to come to pass (which Steve also includes in my morbid thinking category). He is just the most important person in my life. If I think about it hard enough I want to keep him locked up at home so nothing bad could ever happen to him. Thank god I don't want kids because I'd freak every time they left the driveway. This exact thing is why I HATED the movie Practical Magic - the moment when Sandra Bullock thinks that she and her husband's love will overcome the curse but then there's that stupid cricket or whatever and she tries frantically to catch it but can't and her stupid husband dies anyway. NO. NO.

In other news, I officially applied to grad school for an ABS license, which will be a broad licensure allowing me to teach levels 1 and 2 of EBD, LD, and Autism and I can go back again to get licensed for 3 and 4. I went to the informational meeting and everyone there (prospective students as well as faculty) agreed that the type of license is a great investment and there's been a growing need for me-types.

Steve and I are also doing what we're calling "ghetto week" and seeing who can make the best of of $20 from Friday to Friday. This of course does not really include not spending anything, because it kind of ruins the fun. So we each got a $20 bill to spend on whatever we like for the week and we aren't allowed to spend anything more (excludes gas). It's easily doable, but we're so frivolous with the money we don't put in savings that it's a cute game for us to be frugal. Yes, we admit we are privileged, even with me working a crappy-paying job.