A Heart's a Heavy Burden

Last weekend (LAST last, the 22nd) Ben, Sean, and Dave were visiting from Madison. Well, Dave is continuing to visit from Europe but yeah. I can't remember all the finer details but the point is that Sean and Ben were going to Disney World (AGAIN, but this time with Ben's parents) and Dave was going to be alone for a week. Steve and I thought that was nonsense and invited Dave to spend the week with us.

Steve and I have never actually had a house guest stay longer than the weekend, but we DO have a guest room. Dave was such an easy guest: all he wanted to do was eat baguettes, order cheap pizza, play ITG, and talk about ITG and mini golf. He managed his own schedule and kept himself busy while we were at work. In the evenings one or more of us would play ITG. All 3 of us made improvements, and Dave ended up getting 2 new quads which is super impressive. Steve and I did pretty well too. I still need to re-learn officials after not having played them in months while preparing for Cupcake. But even with that, I have improved like 10 scores. I just need to increase my stamina and suffer through hard songs.

That's pretty much been my life! I also started knitting a hat with a super fun technique, SO EXCITED. I've been buying a lot of fun yarn lately. So happy about my yarn. I should knit more.

I've been really really tired still. Even with many hours of sleep, still so tired. I've been working on my attitude AT work (still really struggling with the getting TO work part), and negativity I could be bringing into my job. It's helped this week be better - I think I'm naturally one of the better educators at connecting with kids and making them feel like I care about them and want them to do well - AND that I expect them to give their best. However, I still think I've been struggling at being 100% and not getting bogged down with the annoying things - refusals, bad attitudes, etc. - and this week I decided to take it in stride and not allow myself to get exasperated. Instead I've been infinitely patient and understanding. For example, when Tino said he wished I'd teach at the board and if he didn't get it, come to him individually........... which is literally all I do. Forever. I did that even HARDER today than most days; usually once we get to "work days" I'm working individually and small groups 100% but today enough kids needed help that I went for a class re-teach. But I listened patiently and told him that tomorrow I will do just that. lol. We're working on 2-step equations and I know that's a challenging topic and requires a lot of thinking and effort on their part.

I'm super nervous about next year's group, it sounds like the 6th graders are much lower than this current group of 7th and 8th graders, so I'll have to manage them differently. Trying not to freak out already, but it's like, I'm working so hard at FINALLY building my curriculum binder after having lost most of my online resources when I left SPPS, and next year I'll have to change it probably. It's okay.... one thing at a time.

Therapy appt yesterday went well, but I left here around 2:30 and that is TOO LATE somehow to get all the way around the Twin Cities and at the appt by 3. So I blustered in at 3:05 and had to ask to let me go to the bathroom because I hadn't gone all day hashtag teacher life. Otherwise we had a lot of really good conversation about communication in my relationship with Steve and talking about boundaries and how boundaries/needs/agreements aren't static and we should revisit them regularly to see if they changed and how to modify our needs, etc. She also suggested a different book for me and Steve to review together that is more modern and might be more helpful now that we're not in crisis. I talked with Steve about it on my hour drive home, and I think he also will be looking into individual therapy. He still has a lot of bad moments and we agree it would be good for him to vent or work through some of these thoughts with an impartial and supportive third party.

We've been spending a lot of time in daily contact with Ben/Dave/Dmac/Sean, and have seen much less of our local friends. Noah fell a little off the map for a bit but is back. I've had some minimal texting wtih Courtney and it sounds like Steve talks with JWaid and Nick, but we haven't been hanging out? It's interesting. Noah mentioned to me the other day that it feels like everyone is just being regular old adults and it's disappointing. I imagine that happens in everyone's lives. I remember being a teenager and my mom hanging out with her best friend from high school after not having seen her in like 10-15 years and thinking that was insane! How can you not talk to your best friend?! But now I get it. And Bre and I maintain spotty contact and technology of course allows us to keep up with people without having to directly interact with them often anyway.

Uh I totally dropped the ball on shirts for both Fantastic Beats AND Cupcake. I just like... forgot about them. Whoooops. It's not a huge deal for Cupcake but I feel pretty bad about FB. It's not super like me to forget, but it just feels like I've got a million things I'm thinking about at any given time and my brain just decided that ordering shirts was not a necessity. That and I guess I had no reminders sooooo it's hard to remember.

My great-grandma died a couple months ago and she willed her money to her children, but since my grandpa Jack died a couple years ago the money allotted for him went to HIS kids. My mom sent me $1000 as a nice gesture, and I think that was super sweet. I think I'm probably going to use it for tattoos - I have a bunch of medium-small ideas I just want to knock out quickly here.

1. Something like "Go all in" from this Jim quote in The Office - "Well, you know, you can’t have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what’s most important. That’s my new thing." Pretty self explanatory, one of my favorite lines in the entire series, really speaks to me. Probably on my wrist? Somewhere I can see.
2. "A Heart's a Heavy Burden" with either blue Calcifer or the shooting stars from Howl's Moving Castle - I know I have an entire Ghibli sleeve but also this quote is my entire life. Either over my heart, or on my available ribs/side/hip.
4. Booya Moon from Lisey's Story. It's my favorite Stephen King book of all time, and I'm linking the image given on the book jacket for reference, but I think Andy would really like to draw his version or vision of it. I like his art. Probably on one of my thighs.
5. Possibly one of Andy's drawings, because I know how much he likes to tattoo his originals, and one recent one he posted is super good. Not sure where though.

Even though Laura was the one who set the pricing for my tattoo sessions, and even though Jerry (the owner) approved of them and was present, I always got the feeling that he did not approve of the pricing. He constantly gave her pointed looks and asked her how long we were working for. Laura is his only employee. She is talented, friendly, and simply awesome. I saw 3 other tattoos happen by Jerry in the 6 sessions I have had with the shop, and everyone came and left during my session. I noticed that the shop wasn't doing awesome (at least on the days I was there), and Laura mentioned several times that November/December were the slowest months. So really, my $2000 was helping the shop a great deal during the slow period. Laura offered my last session in December to be free, because progress was going slower than we would have liked (the flowers and grass around 3/4 of my wrist, for example, took one whole session and was a very small area). *I* did not ask for it. *She* offered it. 

So when I went in for my session on the 1st, I did not feel like it was any different. Jerry was being douchey with his looks, and Laura and I were doing business as usual. When Jerry left at 6, he gave her a longer-than-normal stare before he left. At 7, she went to get a pizza two doors down. She received a text during that time. I did not think to let her know she received one when she got back. A few minutes later, the shop got a phone call. It was Jerry. He clearly asked her if she got the text. She grabbed her phone and went into the storage room (as the shop really is just one big room). It was very clear then that the phone call was regarding me. A very heated 5-10-minute discussion ensued, with her raising her voice and getting all fast and squeaky. I knew they were arguing about my sleeve. A few minutes later she came out, stricken and very visibly upset, and told me that Jerry was requiring her to raise the price of my sessions, starting that evening. I was IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SESSION, mind you. Apparently Jerry feels that they have been undercharging me, and I deserve to finish my tattoo at an increased rate. At the time I was tired, and defeated, and I didn't want to be mad at Laura for what Jerry did. So we came to a compromise for the night and I ended up paying $50 more than I would have (I still tipped her my standard amount, which she was plainly shocked to see. It was clear that she thought she'd be losing her tip in favor of making up for the increase in price. I would never take that out on her like that.)

For a little while, I resigned myself to it. There's about 2 sessions left and then touch-ups, which are free (the shop guarantees all of its work... or so it claims). I couldn't think of a way to argue my point without burning bridges. I decided to let it go. I DID NOT schedule a new appointment, which I had done every single other time. I hoped that would send a message.

Then I thought about it for a few days, and I have decided that I simply may not go back to the shop AT ALL. How DARE he send his employee to do his dirty work? How DARE he decide to extort me when he knows that I am so close to being done? How DARE he not have the balls to talk to me himself!!!! Fuck! I am seething. I vacillate between wanting to storm down there and demand that he not renege on the agreed upon deal (and notify him that I know an artist who would be GLAD to finish my tattoo [even though I don't want to take this away from Laura and I don't *actually* have an artist lined up... but Andy could do it]), and maybe reach a compromise, and just never contacting them again and badmouthing the shop to anyone who will listen (and post a horrible review on FB, etc. OR just waiting to see if he convinces Laura to contact me when he realizes he misses that consistent money from me). Whenever I think of going to shop, my blood pressure absolutely skyrockets and I get dizzy, from a combination of the helpless, blind rage I feel at his outright greedy asshole behavior and the fact that I am so ridiculously terrified of a confrontation that I panic at the thought of trying to put forth a demanding, coherent, convincing argument.

It just sucks. Why did he have to do that? I hate him. Seriously. It's so wrong on so many levels and I just don't deserve this kind of treatment. God.

( Pics under here! )

I think she's doing super awesome and I really like the work that's being done. Any touching up and re-working is free, and she's really dedicated to making it look perfect so I know I'm guaranteed an amazing piece of work :3

( Pics and stuff to start... )

Andy did a wonderful job on my tattoos. Brandon, the piercing apprentice, kept coming in to ask how much it hurt. I was like, "...it hurts. Definitely. Wait, did you cry?! Did you cry when you got your foot done?"

And he was all, "Yeah. I did. ... But it HURT, man!"

Andy was just like, "Yeah, he kept yelling at me: 'why do you keep wiping so hard?! God!"

And then I spent the rest of the session giggling every now and then with "STOP WIPING SO HARD" playing through my head, especially when Andy wiped and it DID hurt (though, it will hurt. Paper towels are not soft). My foot hurt about as much as most of the others. My shoulder was pretty similar, and I might just have trauma issues with my back tattoo and how excruciating it was, but I still say my back hurt more. My arm and calves hurt less to be tattooed, I'm fairly certain.

My back hurt from the position I was sitting in, because I was holding tight to my leg to try to soften the blows when my foot would twitch from a combination of tickle/pain reflex and for some reason would also make my calf twitch. There were two distinct times where my foot JUMPED super hardcore and I was like, "SORRY OMG THAT DIDN'T EVEN HURT MORE I DUNNO! BAD FOOT!" and Andy was just like, "It's okay, I jumped all over the place when I got my feet done, especially my toes." So all was well.

I was super gung-ho about writing a post yesterday, but LJ wasn't working and now I don't know what I was going to write about :( Well anyway, I had an okay work week, a lot more bitchiness and stress than I like, but it's okay. I'm already thinking about what I want to do in the future. And I had a brilliant idea. As much as I love Japanese and want to be awesome at it, I have no real life practice anyway. What I COULD do is get fluent* in Spanish again and work as a bi-lingual something-or-other in Human Services! Example: I COULD WORK AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD for their bi-lingual services! They are always looking for translation help. Or ANY place like that! I would LOVE to be able to use foreign language in my job. So my tentative plan at the moment is to sign up for the community ed Spanish classes because they are only 55 bucks for 8 sessions, see how that works, and try to build up my Spanish well enough to test out of hopefully the entire beginner's courses in college. Then I plan on taking classes (if offered) without actually being a student (aka continuing ed) at like the University of MN or something, and eventually if I have to, I will apply for the degree program. I'm hoping that my confidence in my skill level pays off and that I can get a job without another degree, but if it comes to it, I'll do what I need to. I really don't want to study abroad. I'd be fine taking a trip abroad or something, or finding some area with Spanish immersion, but I am not leaving my home and my life.

It's interesting to me that when I started school I intended to double-major in Spanish and Education, and the only reason I dropped Spanish was because I couldn't graduate in 4 years (LOL little did I know it'd take me like 5.5 regardless), and my anxiety pushed me out of education. It'd be funny if I ended up getting a Spanish degree in the end after all.

In other news, my personal trainer challenged me not to use the scale for two weeks, and Steve is supporting me by not weighing himself either. My trainer Martin is even following his own advice and told me yesterday that he hid his scale in the garage so it won't tempt him XD It's so cute! I get really anxious at not being able to weigh myself. Like WHAT IF I'M GETTING FATTER AND I DON'T KNOW IT?! Which is faulty logic but I think it every day. I'm hoping I'm not. I can't know my weight until my weigh-in on the 13th. I've been doing well after letting my feet rest a few days from the tattoos, and I've been to the gym several times this week. I'm working more on running and cardio, but I hated Martin when he made me use the stationary bike yesterday. I just felt it was cruel for some reason and was very upset about it. I hate stationary bikes and ellipticals and stair-steppers. I don't know why, but I do. With a passion.

*I use the term loosely. I was very good at reading and writing at my peak, and I could hold decent conversations, but I usually gleaned subtext well enough to make it not completely awkward without actually knowing everything said. A great example that I'm still pretty good at Spanish is in Tokyo Godfathers when an entire scene is held in Spanish and Japanese, with only subtitles for the Japanese, and I was able to tell Steve the gist of what the woman speaking Spanish was saying, even if I didn't understand EXACTLY what it was, with very few "I totally did not get that part." parts.

( SOOT SPRITES OMG )

I really love the personality each sprite has. They are too adorable. It looks exactly how I wanted it, to be honest. It wraps nicely - the tattooist, Mike, took that very seriously. Steve said I "win" on who has the better tattoo, because it looks really good and is "cuter" and more colorful than his. Not that he doesn't like his as well, of course :)

( Steve's tattoo )

Steve's going to get his Charmander touched up in about a month, and while he's there he's going to get the cactuar outlined, and I'm going to get any light spots filled in and especially the white reworked on (it's like magic! the white didn't show up for like 5 hours so he obvs didn't know what spots he missed). The tattooist was really cool and fun (though he criticized both my leg tattoos - said the scorpion was backwards but I requested it that way at the time and still enjoy the orientation of it, and that the words on my Mikey tattoo will run together after awhile, which I assumed was inevitable. I thought about pointing out that he just got his wife's LIPS tattooed on his neck and that they looked like they were done in crayon, but refrained XD).

I can definitely see where girls who get like a set of 4 small stars think that tattooing is nothing - being able to jump around on a bunch of unconnected small spaces feels incredibly different than a larger piece. For some reason I don't remember my shoulder piece being all that painful, even though we did it in one four-hour session, but my Rika tattoo was incredibly painful in a few areas, especially where the artist wanted to ensure that the white would stick over the teal of her dress. I shudder when I think of him grinding the needle into the soft fat of my back over and over again XD

Ah, I just wanna post a couple pics.

( Here ya are )

All right, so! Here are my pictures:

( Zelda and Rika! )

Also, LJ changed the HTML for adding pictures? A lot of mine are showing up as "x"'s now. Lame, I'll have to go back and try to fix them. I hate when stuff like that happens.

Mm, Just sitting at work.

I met with the head of the department or whatever for Human Services, and he told me I only need one class to graduate plus figuring out an Incomplete I have. So, I called the old professor and he left me a message listing what he wanted me to do for a grade, and I finished that stuff tonight and sent it off. Then I talked with my parents and they said I still have money in my 529 plan, assuming some was leftover after they banned me from using it for always failing/dropping classes, and Dad called and left me a message saying that it could cover most of my semester, which would mean no more loans! That then means I would not only graduate in December, but that I'll graduate with only like $7,000 in debt!

On Friday Steve and I met with Nick, Pat, Faith, and Joe Waid at the Taste of MN for Minus the Bear, POS and Atmosphere. I was really going to the social activities and being outside. It was so hot so Steve and I stayed in the back and laid in the grass during Minus the Bear and met up with the rest afterward. We walked around and talked and got refreshments (SO THIRSTY) until POS came on. Nick and Joe Waid sat with Steve and I off to the side while Pat made Faith go with him into the crowd. Steve and I left when POS brought some unknown friend to rap with him. I enjoy rap live but not so much any other time. I also love Minnesota Pride. People are adorable.

My family held their Independence Day celebration on Saturday at Como Zoo. It would have been a lot less stressful if there wasn't a HUGE Hmong Freedom Festival going on at Como Park. OMG was parking awful. I ended up giving up on parking close and parked in a nearby neighborhood. I didn't mind the walk, though. It was so hot, like 90, all day and so sunny. Perfect, in my opinion. But I got sooooo sunburnt. I was wearing a halter so the top half of my back is also burned. I don't mind, I just hope I have minimal peeling and that it'll turn into a tan line. My family all wanted to see my fourth tattoo, and I was surprised when it received a fairly warm reception. I was expecting hate because I heard Dad made a stink about Bethany's lilies on her ankle even though they're very tasteful and really well done (of course, I don't think I showed him so maybe it's just he who doesn't approve of the tattoos).

( Here's a sneak peek at the unfinished tat... )

We ate and socialized before some of us headed to the zoo. I mostly hung out with Bethany and her baby Cayden because I love both of them so much! She briefly addressed her upset over the perceived negative comments about her son, and I tried to tell her I meant no harm. I love that child! I can't wait til he's old enough for me to babysit him and stuff! My cousin Danny is a couple years older than I am and we used to be really close when Bethany and I stayed at grandma Ann's all the time, but once she and Ronnie divorced we stopped being in contact. I don't know why but he followed me around all day. I just thought he'd end up with Kiana and Della, because he knows them better. It would be fine except I am TERRIBLE at small talk. It just makes me incredibly uncomfortable and all I really wanted to do was spend time with my sister. So I kept trying to find ways to avoid him without hurting his feelings and Bethany kept shooting me sly grins from afar (another one of our male cousins does this exact same thing to me at holidays and she finds it incredibly funny).

Grandma (my mom) and baby Cayden, about 4 and a half months.


Now I just can't wait to get home to Steve. He's incredibly adorable and took Thursday-Saturday off so we could have more than a day together. Is he a great boyfriend or what? <3

I've been absent for awhile, I apologize!

This month has been filled to the BRIM with birthdays, omg. And a couple parties, and just so much stuff!

I got 2/3 of my tattoo done and am finishing it on the 30th (provided I have the funds and it doesn't take more than an hour). Parts of it look great and others are badly scabbing. The parts that are pissed are areas where he just wouldn't let up and kept going back to. My skin therefore retaliated. Also, I don't remember my shoulder tattoo hurting nearly as badly as this one, wow! And actually the bony areas just made me feel like I was suffocating as he put pressure on my lungs and ribs, but the fatty area where my spare tire would be if I had one hurt the WORST. It made me feel like tramp stamps would actually be quite painful! Overall though it was fine, just a regular tattoo experience. It's rather large for my poor small canvas of a back. Goes from the top of my jeans to pretty much just under my bra depending on how I'm standing.

What I got Steve for his birthday:
-Suikoden II (rare and AMAZING PlayStation game)
-160GB iPod, silver (went in on it with his parents)
-Two Miyazaki movies, Castle in the Sky and My Neighbor Totoro
-A homemade bento!

And then there was Pat's birthday, Joe, Lindsey and Cory's birthdays, and today/tomorrow is Faith's birthday! Ahhhh!

Tuesday was a masquerade birthday party combo and it was soooo much fun. Although I really hate that the nights that are the most fun I also have minor blackouts from. I hate not remembering! But it provided the perfect and unexpected opportunity for Bryce and I to decide to be friends. So Saturday Jorden, Bryce and I spent the day together before going to a "Welcome back to MN for two weeks" party for our friend Luna. But then it got awkward when Jorden made a comment about Bryce being mean to exes and Bryce started screaming at Jorden and stormed out. So I had to try to patch things up with a boy I used to date who I haven't truly spoken to in a year. ... And then our mutual friend Maggie called Bryce and wanted to talk to me, so we rambled together for awhile. Then my tattoo started bleeding and then I had to drive Bryce home as he was not going home with Jorden. 

It was actually beneficial for me that I had to drive Bryce home, because I've always been direct with him, so we were driving for maybe 5 minutes when I brought up our friendship issue, which turned into a very lengthy open forum where we brought up rumors and he-said, she-saids and misunderstandings all out into the open. I assume he was still somewhat drunk because he was willing tot talk about really sensitive/intense stuff from when we dated and soon after that I really feel like would be hard for anyone to admit. It was awesome then, of course. So as far as I know, everything's fixed on that front, which takes a lot of tension off!

Last but not least, I got offered that job with the autistic boy. He seems "normal" really for the most part. He's intelligent, well-spoken, and can be trusted on his own sometimes, all of which are the opposite of what I experienced in the past (not that my other kids weren't smart, necessarily, just not traditionally smart). It seems like it would be really fun, but it's really going to suck driving all the way out there 5 days a week, especially with all this damn construction EVERYWHERE. But we gotta figure out orientation stuff, because orientation is ONLY on Mondays, from 8 to 5, and I ONLY work 8pm Sunday to 8am Monday.... It's the opposite of working out. I might have to suck it up and stay up for 21 hours, but I won't be happy about it. :P