A Heart's a Heavy Burden

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

I've been experiencing uti symptoms since Thur/Fri and I've been trying to manage it with OTC stuff, D-mannose and probiotics. Each of these items runs $10-$30 each. I've had varying degrees of pain, from almost none to nearly tears, but I have yet to need to live in the bathroom - instead some nights I'm just up every half hour but can eventually go back to bed. This morning I was ready to make an appointment and give up, but it hasn't been as bad as last night so I'm continuing to stick it out. I did request a urology referral though, because the consistency of pain has reached frightening levels. I had thought I should schedule a pap but I guess I'm finally old enough not to need another for a couple years, but the allina site said to schedule a chlamydia screening. Um, fuck that. I don't need to check my vaginal health every year anymore but I need to check for STIs? Nope. Noooo. If I'm not getting a pap, I'm not getting a STD test. Thanks.

I was actually kind of hoping for a pap because overnight I got a huge painful lump in my right breast, like, at least an inch circumference. I googled it and there's like a million things it could be, but it hasn't gone away so I'm a little concerned. I just don't want to go through a long-ass appointment so they can tell me my tissue's just being wonky.

Apparently even if my old colleagues really want me at MHR, administration doesn't. I appear to have burned a bridge with them by leaving, and it hurts something fierce. But! In my sorrow I have applied to a minimum of 17 other jobs since Friday or so. I HAVE to have a different job before the end of the month or I might go crazy. It would be awesome if I could just take some time off when school starts and look for jobs then, but we need my piddly income for any 'fun' stuff we may do. Sigh... In the meantime, I desire to burst into tears/storm out at least three times a day. Woot!

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I haven't been on the computer much because my screen inexplicably (literally) broke exactly like my car windshield. I'm doomed for srs. I put it away one night and the next night I opened it and BAM! Cracks and sack black dead pixel splotches. Dealing with the warranty is very anxiety-provoking considering I don't even know what happened to my laptop (the guess is that a cat jumped on it too hard because they are heavy) and I tried calling them once and they're being picky about info and I've been suffocated with panic since. Maybe this weekend. *hyperventilates*

K, seriously. The weather needs to stop being in the 80's-90's for part of a week, and then be in the upper 50's, then be 93 for a day, and then go back to the fucking 50's again. I'm so SICK of this bullshit weather. Anything below 70's leaves me feeling lethargic, not motivated, and irritable. Especially with it being cloudy too.

I did so well the past couple weeks exercising (despite the constant, near-crippling pain in my bones) and now with the chilly and cloudy, I'm cranky and just want to sleep in my car on break (and feel sorry for myself for being injured).

I don't want to be in the toddler room today. I'm too irritable.

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Seriously, can I just NOT get UTI's anymore? Please? ....please?

I'm going to tear my skin out. Hopefully the appointment I made online for tomorrow is actually available and won't make me late for work. Bleh.

My weekend was kind of a blur, mostly because I was deathly ill on Saturday.

Friday I was NOT IN THE MOOD for anything work because I was achey and my throat hurt. It was awesome then that only one of the four babies was present in the latter half of the day. But in the first half I had to continue working with the preschoolers on a dance myself and another teacher are preparing for the Spring Program, which entailed a lot of dancing and movement and was simply not cool. One of the parents of a baby let slip that one of the toddlers had bronchitis over the previous weekend (and said child had been coughing into my face all week), and I didn't know bronchitis was contagious. Now, I'm probably being a baby and don't have bronchitis since I have not been incubating a cold for a week or more or anything, but I've had a stuffy head, been feverish, severely aching and experiencing deep painful coughs that have contributed to a very unhappy throat. I've basically been overloading with DayQuil, Mucinex, Naproxen, and Emergen-C in an effort to rid myself of this BS as I am a giant crybaby when I'm sick and I hate going to work when sick. It seems to be relatively paying off, as my aches (the WORST for me, completely put me out of commission whenever I get them) have mostly subsided. The rest is manageable and I also bought cough drops, woo! But as a result, I lost the vast majority of my weekend to sleep/rolling around the bed/hobbling to various house locations pitifully, which was very disappointing as the weather was nice this weekend (in the 60's, where it's been in the 40's for the past week and will resume said crap this week). I was really motivated to get out and go running too!

I finished a Kindle book I recently purchased - 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. I purchased it when reading through a blog in which the woman was going through a job slump and she happened to mention keeping track of her time and trying to figure out how to make more time for herself in order to work on her core competencies and feel good about what she does. The book is pretty interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. I really liked how she continuously reiterated the need to hone your skills and focus on what you're good at. A large part references families, but it's easy to apply to my own life as well. It's made me very excited to attend the informational meeting about graduate programs tomorrow. I also watched a documentary on the failing public school system on Netflix (Waiting for Superman, if you're interested), a really interesting documentary on being open-minded and taking a severely autistic (though high-functioning) boy to shamans to see if there's any way to help him (The Horse Boy), one on the Scrabble tournament in 2004, and a really cheesy one about quantum physics that actually presented some unique information that has made me want to project a more positive outlook on myself. Yeah, so I guess I knocked off a bunch of Netflix queue stuff, but didn't do anything I really wanted to.

Oh, I DID knit a quick scarf with some lovely new yarn
( as seen here: )

( Oh, and as long as I'm adding pics... )

Jenny, the woman who started dying my bangs, did awesome at letting the black mix with the pink and since I've stopped going to her (the drive is just so damn FAR), I've tried my damnedest to keep the look going. I think I do a pretty good job, and is very cheap - I paid $14 for the "demi-permanent" pink dye, and am getting many uses out of it. Versus $20-$40 a pop when going to Jenny, plus tip and gas both ways.

On Friday Steve and I spent the afternoon texting in Haiku. It was awesome and adorable and omg I love our relationship.

Pat broke up with Faith on Friday AT OUR HOUSE OVER THE PHONE and got back together with her today, which everyone in the friends group disagrees with and he will be receiving very deep glares from me over the next week.

I feel much better today. I heart antibiotics.

I had a fun training today. I went up to a coworker during a break and made sure she wasn't the Melissa whose clients I was working with this weekend. She said no, and then out of the blue said, "I just wanted to let you know that the way you talk about clients and the language you use is really inspiring. I find the things you say in Team [meetings] to be very helpful and really speaks to the work that you do." I about died. It was wonderful, and very surprising.

Tomorrow I'm going to have an awesome lunch with my coworker Priya at this Indian place.

I have my weigh-in this week and of course it's not lookin' good because I had a shitastic weekend. Yay.

Also, I have a distinct disconnect between my thoughts. I see pictures of skinny girls? I vow to not eat too much. I see delicious food? I nom on it. I am definitely not on a diet and am being a huge baby about it. I can even be thinking about consuming less calories (as I said, I really don't overconsume calories, generally speaking) and be putting food or drink in my mouth at the exact same time. Ugh.

P.S. when I was at the doctor (albeit in my sweats) I weighed 138 according to their scale. hatemylife

Y hallo thar UTI/bladder infection! Long time no see! Since August, is it? I appreciate you waiting until the holidays to resurface.

Yesterday I had a mild symptom of burning once after I peed, but at 4am when I woke up with OMGMUSTPEENOWWW urges and then the subsequent NOT sleeping, I knew I was in hell again. I actually called in to work and asked people to help with my appointments because there was no way in HELL I could leave my bed. I had a RAGING headache all day (it is currently gently throbbing, reminding me that it still exists) and I've been really nauseated, even WITHOUT the pyridium (which is a lifesaver and I will withstand all the nausea/vomiting ever to take it).

I called the doctor immediately at 8am, tried to weasel a prescription without a visit, but this clinic doesn't work like that, so even though I KNOW I'm mo' fuckin' sick, I have to pay for an office visit and a lab (at least at my old clinic if they were being jerks about needing proof I could just breeze in for a pee cup and wait for the results). The appointment guy tried to tell me I had to wait until tomorrow for my primary doctor, but he changed his mind after I put on my Do Not Fuck With Me tone. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed with messy hair and ALL the scrub clothes and pathetically drove to the doctor, wishing I didn't have to drive because it only made my nausea and headache worse.

So I had to sit through the questions and other crap. When I peed I noticed what I guessed was tissue? in the cup. I worried that I may have contaminated the specimen, but I couldn't see how shooting pee into a cup after thoroughly cleansing the area first could lead to THAT MUCH residue. When I get UTIs my smell gets sharper, I appear to discharge from my urethra itself, but rarely is there blood. This weird string in my cup was frightening. It turned out apparently to be "White Blood Cell clumps". Isn't that just nasty? And I have so many WBCs that they manifest visibly?! Blehhh. THe doctor made me feel better when she said I probably knew more than she did about bladder infections and UTIs and sent me on my way with a script right quick.

I spent the whole day laying in bed, sleeping off and on. I slept to avoid the pain and my headache, but the sleeping only spurred the headache on because I didn't need more sleep. Vicious cycle is vicious.

Steve is out shopping for me, so I've had the kitties to keep me company. He's bringing me Chipotle later. I didn't want to eat today because I don't want to throw it up, but the medication has to be taken with food. So I had some thick soup and a couple of pieces of bread earlier. It was good.