A Heart's a Heavy Burden

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

Oh man. Just saw an AMAZING movie by the title of "The Raid: Redemption." It's Indonesian and the subtitles appear a little lazy at times (lack of punctuation and such things as use of the word "Cos" for "'cause"), but the choreography, gore, and martial arts are freakin' fantastic. And believe me, I've seen plenty of foreign action films.

It has basically no story but immediately reminded me of "Quarantine" as it is set in an apartment building. It doesn't need a story - as one critic called it - it's a "brutal ballet". It's just watching bros be awesome at killing each other, in sometimes quite beautiful sequences of martial arts action, with a few parts that make you giggle as the movie remembers not to take itself too seriously. There is SOME story, but it kind of makes it cooler to know only the gist of what's going on, because everything outside this complex means nothing, tbh. It's intense, suspenseful, and totally made my night.

A+, definitely worth my $5.

Last night/early this morning I beat Ar Tonelico II: Melody of Metafalica, after about 57 hours of gaming (and I could have done more, I'm quite certain). The first half of the game is pretty tedious and confusing in terms of story, and the characters were very type-cast. But the second half of the game improved greatly as you got to know the characters better and the political aspects of the story fell apart. As the story progressed, whoever did the translation for North America CLEARLY got tired of it, as grammatical errors and misspellings increase A LOT. There's even a part where they mixed up choices and whichever you pick, the opposite happens! There is also a major boss at the very end that freezes the game if she casts a certain move, so you have to defeat her quickly - this isn't an issue if you're a thorough gamer, but the first time I played her I forgot about the freezing glitch and had been taking my time. The second time I played her I got unlucky and she used the move too soon. But the third time I beat her easily.

I would DEFINITELY recommend playing Melody of Elemia first, because the last quarter of the game is fraught with nostalgia, previous characters, and references to the first game that you simply cannot appreciate without it. The things I learned that related back to the first pretty much made the entire experience for me.

If you have not played the Ar Tonelico series, you have to be prepared for a lot of innuendo and cheesecake (hell, the third game's battle system as the strongest attacks with the Reyvateils losing their clothes!). It's just part of the package and while *I* enjoy it, I know it annoys a lot of other people or is not amusing.

I'll do a proper review when I have the time!

Up next on my play list: Tales of Graces F! :DDD

(Disclaimer: Images taken from Google. They are not mine and I don't claim any ownership of them)



Professor Layton and the Last Specter is the fourth game in the puzzle adventure series of Professor Layton, released in 2011. The previous three are The Curious Village, The Diabolical Box, and The Unwound Future. The four games have been released for the DS, and a 5th (and later 6th and final) game will be released for the 3DS (The 5th game, "Mask of Miracle," was released in 2011 in Japan. I wouldn't be surprised if the title was changed/spiced up for America as some of the others were by the time it releases this year).

The story is set in the past, following the fateful meeting and first pairing up of Professor Layton with his protegė, Luke. He has an assistant in this game, Emmy, a character who is tolerable but definitely annoying and I wanted to punch her several times in the face by the end. Prof Layton maintains his adorable demeanor and Luke isn't nearly as whiny as I remember. Most characters were entertaining and pleasant.


Exploring the market.

I don't want to spoil any of the story, so I'll just say that like the previous 3 games, it begins with a mystery that is supposedly supernatural but where Professor Layton is certain there is something fishy going on and there must be a logical explanation. The ending, like most of the other games, is half-predictable, with a pleasant and enjoyable surprise twist that I SWEAR you could never guess. Unlike the other games, I totally cried at the end as it was much sadder than I anticipated. 

There are 170 puzzles in this game. They are found by talking to various people and tapping everywhere on the screen with the stylus. Hint coins are also found through tapping. It has gotten more lenient by sending puzzles you miss to a Puzzle Hut more frequently (in previous games you'd have to seriously go look for the hidden ones). Either that or I was so used to scouring each screen that I missed very little by this point. The puzzles themselves were vastly improved from the past two games and reminded me of the rush I felt in beating the first game of the series. It felt as if there was a much more even variety of puzzle types (sliding puzzles, math, riddles, etc.), whereas I felt that the prior two were quite math-heavy. Most of the puzzles weren't hair-pulling difficult and instead felt very good to beat... until the bonus puzzles. The last two were absolute KILLERS and I admit I used a guide for one of them (-_- ' ). Hint counts abound, you will never run out of them. They give you a bit of help MOST of the time when you need it. Need a hint? Spend some coin.


Many puzzles were relevant to the situation as well, making it feel more connected.

The mini games presented in this game were quite challenging and fun, even if I DID rage at some of the train puzzles. In one of the mini games you get a certain number of tracks to lay (based on the amount of fuel you had) in which to guide a train through various stations to an end point. Seems easy, until you have to manage two trains at once, or have to maneuver around a set train or car, or have 6 train cars. They can't collide! It was very tricky at some points, for sure. As in the previous games, you unlock them through conversations with people and advancing the story.


Oh, they get much harder.

The next mini game was gathering coins before time ran out by strategically placing bubbles around an aquarium to guide your fishy. If it hit gold bubbles it would be out of control for a few seconds and take out any bubbles in its path, so you had to be careful!


This one was much more lighthearted and fun.

Just as all Professor Layton games have albums of some sort, this one has a puppet theater. It wasn't very interesting.

There was one major addition to the game called "London Life," which is kind of like a mini-Sims. It is unrelated to your gameplay and is just for fun! You can use Wi-Fi to connect with friends and such. You create an avatar and get jobs to earn money to buy clothing and accessories in order to develop certain aspects of your character. I spent nearly the entirety of my time in Little London learning to juggle and earning a crapton of cash.


One of the main squares.


You can work on a variety of aspects of your style. Or just earn money. Or decorate your room. It has no real purpose!

Overall, I felt that Professor Layton and the Last Specter followed the formula of the previous games, a formula which I enjoy. Critics of the game complain that the difficulty of the puzzles is inconsistent and that the puzzles were often either too vague or too familiar. Personally, I think that it's impossible to find a medium, and that a range of difficulty is a good thing so you don't get burnt out. There are also only a certain number of puzzles these geniuses can find, and it was quite well-balanced! I don't know what else they want. I would enjoy it if they revisited such themes as the matchstick puzzles from the first game, but all in all I was just happy that not everything had to be sussed out with math on the shitty notepad (can you tell I have no patience with lame-o math?!). I very much enjoyed the story, and the graphics were charming as always.