A Heart's a Heavy Burden

I accepted a position working as an Assistant Teacher at a Montessori school in the same city that Steve works in. If he can coax his boss into letting him have the later shift (9-5:30 vs 8-4:30), we will be able to carpool. I'm fairly certain my hours will be 9-6 because they specifically said they wanted someone who could close, and thank god for that because the school opens at 6:30am DDDD: I am so ridiculously not a morning person that I don't even think I could manage that. Anyway, the position is full time and Montessori schools have programming year-round (so no worrying about having to find a summer job!). I have the option of advancement to be a teacher if I take their training courses in the future, and I definitely want to switch rooms in the future. They just opened up a young infant program and so that's where I'll be starting. Babies aren't my cup of tea but they're not overly stressful, and hey, maybe working in that room will make me like them more? When I told Faith she about pooped herself in jealousy. She's got mad baby fever.

As for my current job, I've pretty much checked out. Supposedly I'll find out who everyone on my caseload is going to by noon today... a whole two days before I'm leaving. Way to leave time to prepare and talk to the receiving case managers, guys. Woo. So I've mostly been sitting around doing nothing, or updating client profiles and such. I just want to be done - I'm so over it!

Friday I'm getting my IUD checked bright and early at 7:15am, and then I'm going to go fill out paperwork and do some training at 9:15 at the school ^_^ Steve and I have BOTH tried to find my IUD strings as told, and failed... I'm just hoping that they've just so successfully contoured to my body that they're hard to reach, and not that anything's gone wrong. I get afraid of that every so often because once in awhile I'll get a severe pang of cramps, though very briefly. Just freaks me out thinking I got an infection or the IUD shifted or something. I keep looking at the bill - $1500 - and thinking that everything better be okay because that shit was expensive! I wouldn't even go in for this check-up if I wasn't worried I could like, die of some infection if it went wrong. I hate check-ups - they're a waste of money. And I'm about to lose insurance for 2 months so this better be the only thing! Anyway, I have almost enough in my health savings account to pay for it - I'll only need about $100 out of pocket by the time I do pay it. But I'll be paying for the entire doctor's visit this time without my HSA. Thank god Steve and I have been saving like crazy. We'll have well over $5,000 in savings by the time I get my last check from MHR at the end of the month. And then moving in with his family until June or whatever will also be super great.

We watched Louis C.K.'s "Hilarious" the other night on Netflix and both almost died from laughter. Steve doesn't even laugh very often, let alone HARD, but we were both heaps of uncontrollable, gut-wrenching, teary-eyed, can't-breathe, laughing doofs. I would be Louis' friend in a heartbeat. I love Louis C.K. Especially when he talks about parenting, and technology.

So I have all of next week as a vacation week, with Steve having taken Monday and Tuesday off for Valentine's day. Not that we're a mushy couple, just that it's an excuse to spend time together around a holiday XD We don't even know if we're doing anything yet, and we don't plan on getting each other gifts (in keeping with our new ghetto-ish style of living in order to save more). Just extra cutie time together :)

I'll make a more involved post later/do comments later, but the gist:

• Friday we went to LIGHTS concert
• Saturday was a Halloween party
• Sunday was my stepdad's birthday
• Monday is taking Grim back to the emergency vet at 7:30am for another blocked bladder and being told that he needs the horrific, expensive urethra surgery (that is, they basically give him a gender change and hope that helps) because he has such horrible scarring or they will put him down. Yay!

There's been a bit of tension lately, mostly surrounding the unknown of the next couple of months. Two of my three references have confirmed talked to the company and both (obviously) said they gave me rave reviews. The fact that they asked me to come back to sign a background check vs just not contacting me and wasting the time is another. I was supposed to do it the day of the interview but it was forgotten, and if *I* were a hiring manager, if I didn't plan on hiring someone I wouldn't take the time to do a background check on them if they'd already left and didn't bring it up themselves. *shrug*

Because I feel like I at least have a high CHANCE of getting this job, I'm already feeling more annoyed than ever with my current job. Most of the people bug the crap out of me. They're just not the kind of personalities I enjoy. God, one woman usually provides an unpleasant "someone just smeared poop under my nose" face with every statement she makes (as she's usually saying something negative or "correcting" someone). I'm so glad she's not usually looking my way, because I think I'm often watching the corners of her mouth dip and her pointy nose hook so intently that I start to imitate her a little bit. It's just a really ugly face to make so frequently!

Steve really wants to get a second job to supplement our income, and if I get this job it would likely be a little bit more pay than I get now. He's been looking but he doesn't want to apply to places until he sees how my schedule changes if I get this job. The hours would be 8am-4pm on paper, but I would need to meet my clients' needs and if that meant meeting in the evening, then I'd meet in the evening. They told me it was going to be a ridiculous amount of paperwork, so I imagine myself looking like Miranda from Sex and the City, getting home and immediately starting on more work. Who knows?! Busy busy busy.

I was a good girl today and saw that I had an extra $100 or so in my checking before I get paid tomorrow, so I decided to put it to one of my pet bills. I racked up $2700 on Grim, so now I gotta slowly chip away at it. It's kinda depressing to see all the debt I'm in that isn't even my student loans (though I'm already ahead - payment's not due til May, and I plan to keep paying every paycheck to keep ahead so I never have to worry about it), but I always feel good when I make a payment.

Sparked from a discussion on another journal, I thought about how I pay almost $80 a month for my phone. It's just kinda creeped its way up there through various additions. Really, it was because I took a hit and added my sister to my account, so we have a family plan, which is more expensive overall, but cheaper than if I had a single plan with basically no features. Phones be gettin' expensive! Speaking of phones, I've hated mine since like a week and a half after I got it. I learned today while talking with customer support that I've owned it for 5 months already, which is neat. Anyway, it started when it appeared my receiver was misaligned and I couldn't hear people when they called, except for a faint whisper. That eventually fixed itself (I think I dropped it and it fixed it XD). But for awhile now, it turns off whenever it damn well pleases. The rate at which it turns off is random - sometimes I'll turn it back on and it'll turn right back off like 4 or 5 times in a row. Sometimes it'll turn off because I clicked the unlock button. It definitely turns off any time I smack it or put pressure on it (though, oddly, a lot of times it DOESN'T if it falls from my pocket to the floor. Wtf). According to my phone insurance guy, I could pay the $40 and have a new phone tomorrow. Which is yay and convenient. Or, he said I was still under warranty and that it sounded defective and I have no cracks (some dents on the plastic but he said those didn't matter) and no water damage, so I could get it replace for the cost of shipping through T-Mobile. So I got transferred there. The lady at T-mobile said it was a battery issue, which is not covered under T-mobile and said to call Nokia because it IS covered under them. So. I'm waiting til 8 apparently to call.

I can see how it'd be a battery issue, because it'd turn off any time the connectors shifted away (hence when bumped). But! There doesn't appear to be damage to either my phone's plates or the battery's connectors. So I'm skeptical. Hrm!

I also emailed the woman we've been working with to get our lease signed. She said they'd be in contact this month, but Steve and I are eager to sign the lease and get the first month's rent out of the way. We're so excited to move allll our shtuff and buy things to help organize, such as shelving (including bookshelves, though Paul told me I could take the bookcase that resides at my parents' house that his dad made me a long time ago, which is zomg yay!!!! MOAR SPAISE FORE BUUUUKS) and maybe an armoire from an auction or thrift store to help manage our clothes, because I think in my excitement of the greatness of every other part of the apartment that I forgot to notice there was only one closet.

Interesting to note: since we've been feeding the cats higher-quality wet food (with a small bowl of dry food), they poop FAR less frequently. Like, at first we thought they were maybe having digestive issues associated with switching foods, but there's NO WAY they could backed up (in comparison) for a whole month! Like, they used to go several times a day, and now it's every other day or something. Okay, so the cans of wet food say to feed them one can per 3 pounds of cat... I can't IMAGINE them eating 5 cans a day EACH! They've been splitting like a can a day (plus whatever dry food they eat), and aren't crying for more food. Maybe they ARE having digestive issues. I don't know. They're also consuming a lot more water with the new fountain thing, which I keep in the bedroom and monitor like a hawk. Grim is still peeing poorly and licking himself a lot, but he's been quite active and playful, and eats and drinks normally, so I'm going to try not to stress TOO much about it. I still have the old bottle of anti-anxiety/muscle relaxing medication, the lower dose, in case I get worried enough that he needs help relaxing.

The one downfall I see in drinking so much tea is that I get all hydrated, so I notice IMMEDIATELY when I'm getting dehydrated XD Steve and I have started playing In The Groove again aka DDR. We need to pick up a new copy of DDR X because it somehow got scratched or something and freezes at the song I need to play in order to progress in the game (I'm at like 85%). They're only like $5. In the meantime then, ITG. After attempting a particularly difficult song, Steve was walking around the room, huffing and puffing, and I said,

"See don't you just wanna lay on the floor?" Cause that's what I do when I'm all huffy and worn out, and he retorted,

"I don't think a fitness regimen should include 15 minutes of exercise and 30 minutes of laying in an X formation!" XDDDD

Ah, long rambly entry is long and rambly. I should really do my paperwork; writing this took far longer than it should have, what with distractions and helping clients and generally wasting time. And HOMG I thought I lost this entry cause I accidentally unplugged the cable, but THANKFULLY it had been saving drafts. My heart almost stopped. @_@

I had a pretty awful day yesterday and ended up spending almost the entirety of the day at the vet and then the emergency clinic, and most of the time spent inbetween was through moping and sleeping.

Grimmy got blocked up again, and acted the same as last time: tried to pee, sat on the floor, meowed mournfully and gave me reproachful looks. When they looked at him they said he was worse than last time and they'd want to leave the catheter in for a few days. Money spent: $310. Then they recommended taking him to a 24-hour clinic nearby so he can be monitored at all times. What I didn't know was that this place is actually where the kings of the world visit when they want to stay at a hotel. The bill range for keeping Grim there? $1300 to $2500. Soooo... since the 5th I have spent a minimum of $2500 on this.

Now, money is just money. Grim is far more important to me than any money. HOWEVER. Vets here don't allow payment plans. They require everything up-front RIGHT NOW. So for people like me who make around $1000 every two weeks, it's going to hurt. People wonder why our society views pets as disposable. I would be sitting so pretty if I'd have just paid to put Grim down. And what happens if he gets sick AGAIN (which is, sadly, quite common) and I can't afford it? I couldn't even afford it NOW - the vet allowed me to open a $3000-limit credit line with a 27% interest rate if I don't pay it off quickly. I have enough if I use my credit cards and my entire savings, but I need to be able to pay my other bills and rent too. It's ridiculous and sad. 

Despite this bullshit, I still am steadfastly not going to give up on Grim. There is what's considered the "three strike rule" with his condition, and after the third blockage they recommend surgery. The surgery itself sounds horrific: they remove the most distal part of the penis and widen the opening, while creating a new urethra and bypass the old one. The issue again is: HOW MUCH DOES IT COST. Nowhere I've looked gives numbers, except for in Canada for $1200. Unfortunately, Canada is not the US and probably has better rates. Not to mention the healing process. I really, desperately hope it doesn't come to that.

I became very angry when I got an update from them. I didn't want them to do bloodwork, because last week it showed he was within normal ranges. I was told they "pretty much have to - no, they HAVE to." And, as I thought, it was FINE. I am a very aware parent, and I would not let him suffer. I mean, I was on constant alert, and he was still able to get some pee out, so I figured his kidneys were okay. And they are. And fuck you for taking my money. What I DID pay for that I didn't EXACTLY (on the outright) need to was to replace the catheter. They said that the one in him was very rigid and at risk for kinda making things worse with inflammation, so they "offered" to replace it with a softer one. In the call they said it was good I agreed because it was actually kinked and now he's more comfortable. Half the problem is that he's in pain and therefore his urinary sphincter closes as a reaction and prevents him from peeing. He needs to be comfortable in order to pee. It's a vicious cycle. Ugh.

Steve and I still went out to eat, a quiet lunch, and exchanged gifts (in a more subdued fashion than normal). I got him a tshirt with an adorable moogle on it and Epic Mickey (it was on sale on Amazon and I had a gift card), and he modeled, photoshopped, and framed an adorable inside cuteness. Instead of the big dango family, he made dangos with a danbo and made it the big danbo family using engrish and other cute phrases. It was adorable and great. I love homemade gifts. I also gave him a cute handmade card with Link and heart pieces and drew pictures and wrote all over it. Last year on our anniversary I bought him a card (my family is a family of Card Buyers) and he made me one that ended up being a billion times better, so I had to one-up him. Especially because he still makes fun of me for buying him a card ;)

He has been wonderful through all this. He wants to comfort me but I think I push him away, because a hug isn't going to fix my problems. Talking with him helps, and him being understanding about my need to feel these sad feelings and be depressed and sleep and sit on the floor of the shower and have a flat affect and appear cold is really helpful. He's there for me all the way, and I'm grateful for him.

Aaaanyway, I'm ridiculously depressed and mopey. Gonna eat some food and stare at the wall a lot wishing I could be home in bed. Keep Grim in your thoughts!

Steve and I found a place we liked within that apartment complex. The first apartment we looked at was really bright and homey, but it was very small and one of the sinks was all rust-stained. And it was on the second floor. Steve realized that he wanted a ground floor apartment more than he'd originally thought when he discovered that intense DDR (or any DDR) wouldn't be an option. So we talked to the property company and were told there was a ground floor apartment in a different building on the property (it's like a little community of several apartment complexes with four apartments each mostly). Turns out the "apartment" used to be the office, so it has its own private entrance and doesn't appear to have any neighbors at all! It's far bigger than the other apartment, but it's a bit darker because it's kinda like a basement. The bedroom and the living room appear to be the same size, like 300 sq. feet each (minus a bit for the bathroom, which is inbetween the two rooms). There wasn't a fridge or stove, because they're being replaced (I like new things!), and the shower was janky, but the woman said it'd all be taken care of by the time we move in, in April.

Soooo excited!!! One thing I find really odd and quirky about the property is that each apartment appears to have two doors... which are next to each other. Ours is cool because one door goes to the living room and the other to the bedroom, and there's a third door that appears to go to the basement (aka no neighbors!!!). The other apartment we looked at, the doors were right next to each other. XD

As a present to the kitties I bought them a giant cat tower to replace the two they... broke. To be fair, they were from Wal-Mart and relied on being able to hold against the ceiling, and Nero liked to take flying leaps at it. And he's huge. So... that's why they broke. In half. XD I wanted something sturdier and bigger and something great to scratch on. Currently they just use an old base from their poor destroyed tower. Yep, housewarming gift for my cutie kitties.

Kitty and Red Forman, on cats:
Red: "Here's my problem with cats: best case scenario, you get the smartest cat in the world, he still craps in your house!"
Kitty: "Well it'd just be nice to have something to take care of!"
Red: "I'll tell you what, Kitty. Instead of getting a cat, why don't we all stop flushing? It's the same thing!"

I just discovered That 70's Show is up through season 8 on Netflix. Woo!

Anyway, I'm so excited for us to be able to put all of our things in the place! Our plan from now until April is to be super strict money-wise (with each getting one "splurge" within reason - Steve's will likely be on games, and mine will probably be on Bre's birthday because she wants to go to the Gay 90's [local gay bar] for drinking and the drag show) to save as much as we can, and also so I can start digging myself out from paying Grim's vet bill. Steve's sister is super into what we're going to put into the place and is trying to procure us a bunch of furniture. We've already got a kitchen table and chairs promised, and I want as many seating places as possible to make up for having basically no space for the last 2 years XD So I want couches!! I think we're going to end up with a couch and the bed in the bedroom, because we've gotten so used to sleeping on the couch, sleeping on a bed will be weird. It's nice to have both options.

I want it to be Friday! Payday! I love putting money towards bills.

For my own clarification, I haven't yet decided whether to close that original account completely (the one linked to my mom and stepdad's account from when I was a teen and had to), because I'm a baby and JUST got a bunch of checks for it and don't wanna~ order new ones for my new account :P

As for gifts, I have most of them down. Still need to buy for a few people, but I think I have almost all my gifts picked out. I'm going to talk to Paul tomorrow when we meet for lunch about what to get his parents, and gotta ask my dad on Saturday what HE wants, but otherwise I think I'm pretty much set :) So much money spent this year for xmas, holy crap. I swear to god I've spent over $600 already ($250 on Steve alone... what can I say? I spoil him - he deserves it), and still have people to go! Though I must say, it feels really nice to be able to comfortably spend that much. I really do have a good, cushy position even if I don't really like it. Every time I'm making a frowny face because I spent so much money "already," I look into my savings and it's like, "Oh yeah! It's not a LOT, but I have been saving and am doing really well right now." 

I love Steve and am very thankful for him. A coworker, Chuehue, and I talk for a few minutes at the end of every weekend after shift change is over. He's a middle-aged Asian man with perfect sly anime teeth, a very soft voice, and endearing narrow eyes that are so genuine. We discuss family, love, and school/work. When lamenting about Steve's schooling issues to him, he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "If he did go to the other school, maybe life would have been very different. Maybe you two would not have ever met." And I sat there, stunned. I mean, I've considered this before, but I somehow manage to forget. And the way he said it really made me go over it again.

If Steve didn't go to Brown, he wouldn't have met Pat. If he didn't meet Pat he never would have hung out with Bryce (though he would have known him through Andy). If I didn't go to Kiki's that fateful day before I broke up with Dan, I might not have met Bryce (or at least probably wouldn't have talked to him outside of parties at Kiki's - same with Pat, I thought he was just another burnout when I first met him). If I never dated Bryce and became friendlier with Pat/Maggie, I never would have been introduced to Steve. If I stopped hanging out with the group after Bryce and I stopped dating, Steve and I would never have dated. Pat and Maggie were head-over-heels for me, but that fades with loss of contact. I probably would have continued working at the middle school, and hung out with the girls more, partied more, and maybe would have continued smoking pot semi-regularly. I might have dated Eric Gleisner again, and I don't know what's behind that door. Funny how life works, isn't it? What-if's are really eye-opening sometimes.

For what it's worth, I'm happy with my life. I get to be myself with a man who gets me and supports me in so many ways. We rarely fight, and our fights aren't really considered fights compared to others. More like arguments where we both get worked up and then talk it out while feeling negative feelings. Versus yelling, tears, storming out, flying objects, pushing, etc. It's just smooth sailing, and it's so... nice. :)

 

Instead of spending this evening knitting or playing pokemon like I intended, I spent the evening applying to jobs (and sending any interesting ones I came across for Steve his way), updating all my job seeker websites, and completely re-doing my resume (I totally stole your template, Suzi, I hope you don't mind!).

I am the poorest I can remember since before I had steady jobs (I have about $50 to last me until Friday), I have bills to pay (although that's lesser and most aren't due til the middle of the month), I have 2 books I desperately need for one of my classes that I still can't afford, and I owe Steve about $400, give or take $20 (he really is amazing for spotting me that!).
 
I need to get another job, and more urgently, I need to get paid!!