A Heart's a Heavy Burden

The last week of school before winter break was a whirlwind of putting fires out and planning for the coming year. Students were crazier by the day, but in all honesty it wasn't nearly as bad as previous years. However, unfortunately, I appear to have decided that I don't want my current job after this year. Once my brain makes a decision about a job I have found it to be impossible to rid of. Even today, the second I got to work, I found myself pulling up the employment pages in the nearby districts. I think the problem I'm experiencing is endemic within Saint Paul, not just at Parkway. But for comparison, I got no emails from Nokomis over winter break, and by contrast at Parkway I got about 20.

It's funny, you watch all those inspiring documentaries about ghetto schools rallying, or you read books like Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire, and you think about how you wish you could be so amazing. You don't REALLY think about how those people literally dedicate their lives to that work. They eschew everything else for their job. I love making a difference and teaching is fun, but it is NOT my life. I do not live to work. All break I thought again, incredibly selfishly, about how wonderful it was not to work. GOD would that be the best life. Anyway.

My sister Bethany and I went to our first kickboxing class on that Friday, and it was really fun. We were both DYING and out of shape. There were only like 3 other people there, as it was right before Christmas. We got everything signed up and agreed to come at least once a week but twice a week is the goal.

Saturday night Steve and I exchanged gifts. I got him a Legend of Zelda engraved controller, a mashup hoodie of Dunkin Donuts and Donkey Kong, and a Gwendolyn figure from Odin Sphere that he's been dying to get for like 3 years. He got me a Twitch hoodie and an ITG shirt, both of which I wore constantly over break, a swift and winder, and the comics LIGHTS made to accompany her last album. It was a super awesome couples Christmas.

JWaid helped me make the vegan dessert cookies and those were awesome. Haley and I got drunk the night Noah left after spending the weekend with Steve and myself, and Noah really guilted me about being so busy that I didn't spend time with him. Haley spent the entire evening barraging JWaid with personal questions, and I was blown away that he answered them!!!! He's always been a super private person, but Haley is relentless. He finally lost his virginity and really likes this girl so I think that's spurred him into being more open. I learned way too much about his body and nether regions (not that I mind, it's just funny) and for the first time in the 9 years I've known him, he told us that he thinks that I'm hot. I legitimately have always thought he DIDN'T think I was attractive based upon the girls he's crushed on, both famous and not, and assumed he saw me like Harry saw Hermione - more of a big sister. That was surprising. It was really good to hang out with him, but I stayed up WAY too late before a big family event.

Sunday was Christmas Eve, and Steve and I drove out to my mom's house in the morning. It was a good time, pretty relaxed. We ate lunch potluck style, and I made this AMAZING vegan cheesy pasta. YUM. Gift giving was kind of a disaster with a lot of inexplicable duplicates, and Steve was soooo funny when Bethany was anxious about a dupe Steve probably got - he opened a tiny corner of each gift and said loudly "OHP! NO DOUBLES HERE!!!" and Bethany got all relieved and I could not stop laughing until she finally realized he was tricking her by being cute.

Steve and I needed to leave early in order to get up north at a reasonable time, as well as feed Nero and give him his shot. My parents were annoyed about it, but like, it's not our problem that Ann and Nicole didn't want to come over when our other family was there. The drive up north is like 4 hours and we needed to pack and stuff too. The drive up north was surprisingly easy, but it was damn cold out. All weekend it was -36* windchill.

The first night Steve and I played some Hearthstone dungeons for awhile, and continued some more the next day. I also worked on my knitting all weekend. We listened to a ton of Game of Thrones Book 4 on the way there and back. At Steve's sister's house we played white elephant (somehow Steve and I managed to get our gifts back AND Steve got a $10 gift card instead of random crap. It was funny). The rest of the time we spent with his niece and nephews, who are like 7 and 8.

During the week last week, we played A LOT of Hearthstone, I knit a bunch, I organized my yarn in new cubbies (and updated my ravelry with my needles and stash), and dyed my hair. We also got the Playstation VR and EVERYONE played a shit-ton of VR games. It's REALLY fun.

( Pics! )

Nick loved the scarf, by the way. He was VERY cute about it. I was awkward about it, as per usual. ^_^

Today with work was pretty depressing because I only had depressed clients... lol. I should think ahead next time I schedule them; it really brings me down by the end of the day!

I bought the majority of Steve's gifts today online and tomorrow I'm going to venture out for the final one. I'm super excited! We set a $175 limit for each other. Otherwise I don't actually know how much we spent on other people this year. We have so many to buy for! But it's nice having the money to be able to do that without worrying.

Speaking of money, Steve and I have begun looking for a new place once it stops being cold again. We moved here in April, but our lease is technically month to month so we can move whenever we want. I love our cute little ghetto place, because it is the right amount of space for us, but NOT the right amount of storage or kitchen space. The location is pretty good in terms of ease of access to highways and the cities we frequent, but not very quiet or even particularly safe. And receiving packages is HELL when it's from UPS.

The places that we want are generally apartments and townhomes (though I'm mentally ready to get a mortgage and a house, but Steve is holding back as a result of his student loan fears and whatnot, which is understandable), but they are expensive! Steve and I can comfortably afford a few hundred dollars than we pay now, but the exact specifications we want/need (want: in-unit washer and dryer, need: allowing two non-declawed cats) add a pretty high amount.

Interestingly, Nick was texting me today about how much he hates living with Pat, because all Pat does is complain about Scott (he also complains TO Scott, who DOES NOT CARE). Now, Scott is a horrible roommate. I give that to Pat. He leaves plates with food on them everywhere, doesn't do his dishes or clean up after himself. However, Steve warned Pat about this when they wanted to move in together, but Pat didn't listen. And now he spends every day being The Mom and nagging the other two. Nick jokingly suggested that he wanted to live with me and Steve, because while we are generally neat, we're not Nazis about cleanliness and have periods of leaving clothes on the floor or letting a few dishes pile up in the sink (bowls, not plates - because plates WOULDN'T FIT). In light of my recent apartment search, I actually considered the thought for a bit. Nick appears to be a good roommate. He keeps to himself mostly and is pretty laid-back. Getting a two-bedroom (with rooms not adjacent to each other) would be cheaper overall. Rent would not likely be split evenly as Nick makes far less than Steve or I do, but his contribution would definitely help and keep the rent for the two of us in our price range.

When I discussed the idea with Steve he got all giddy, because he never lived with roommates before and adores Nick so he'd kind of get his bro roommate time! XD I'd just have to come to terms with less privacy, but if Nick continues his current work schedule it won't be a huge issue, because he gets home around the time we go to bed. I'm super excited to move!

Also, a note about the weather... a few days ago it was 8 degrees, and yesterday it was in the 40's... the snow has mostly melted because of this. *I* don't mind the warm weather. :)

Oh my. I have been busy tonight and last night switching up my journal style and mood theme. I'm mostly okay with it. I went with Cowboy Bebop this time! :D

I also purchased more icons - now I can have 179 instead of 39. It's really cheap, too, and I like having a lot of icons ^_^

Christmas was really busy, but I got a lot of neat gifts and spent a lot of time with my family and Steve's. It was good to get home and back to normal though. Holidays are so stressful!

Just popping in to say hi! I don't have much to say tonight, I has the dumb.

( Here's a winter-themed pic I took )

Here's what I got for Xmas from Steve:

( This way~ )

These are:

• Super Mario Bros. collection of games (1, 2, 3 and Lost Levels)
• When They Cry season 1 (Higurashi no Naku Koroni)
• A Joker plush to add to my car collection (It was funny to me because just a couple weeks ago I had seen the Batman plushes at Suncoast and went all homo for them and Steve had already gotten me the Joker XD)
• A book about Stephen King's works (It's like my own personal Ripley's Believe It or Not and I keep having to tell Steve every little thing I learn about stories)
• A Sgt. Frog messenger bag (ZOMG TAMAMA IS THE BEST)
• And a Gir hoodie! ♥ ♥ ♥

( Here's the inside cover to my Higurashi season. So cute! )
So good and exciting!

I got him-
Hoshigami for PS1
A new PSP with Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep in the package (his old PSP was falling apart and we needed the game!)
A sushi shirt!
And a 5-pack of socks because he always destroys them. I bought them each seperately but from the same store. I guess MOST men don't like fun socks, but Steve likes socks that aren't either plain white or old man dress socks. And it's tough to find argyle socks that don't end at the ankle (aka he likes the pattern to continue to the foot so you can see it). And when I typed in things like "men's patterned socks" in Google, half of what I pulled up for images was porn for some reason, lol. But I got him okay socks. Last year I got him som argyle ones from Old Navy, but I couldn't find them this year.

Tomorrow (today) we're gonna brave MOAR SNOW (it's snowed 2 inches already and is expected to be around 6 or so) and drive to my mom's for 2 Xmases, at 9:30 and at Noon. Then we're probs gonna come back here and sleep for awhile, and then drive the 4-5 hours up north to spend the weekend with Steve's family.

For my own clarification, I haven't yet decided whether to close that original account completely (the one linked to my mom and stepdad's account from when I was a teen and had to), because I'm a baby and JUST got a bunch of checks for it and don't wanna~ order new ones for my new account :P

As for gifts, I have most of them down. Still need to buy for a few people, but I think I have almost all my gifts picked out. I'm going to talk to Paul tomorrow when we meet for lunch about what to get his parents, and gotta ask my dad on Saturday what HE wants, but otherwise I think I'm pretty much set :) So much money spent this year for xmas, holy crap. I swear to god I've spent over $600 already ($250 on Steve alone... what can I say? I spoil him - he deserves it), and still have people to go! Though I must say, it feels really nice to be able to comfortably spend that much. I really do have a good, cushy position even if I don't really like it. Every time I'm making a frowny face because I spent so much money "already," I look into my savings and it's like, "Oh yeah! It's not a LOT, but I have been saving and am doing really well right now." 

I love Steve and am very thankful for him. A coworker, Chuehue, and I talk for a few minutes at the end of every weekend after shift change is over. He's a middle-aged Asian man with perfect sly anime teeth, a very soft voice, and endearing narrow eyes that are so genuine. We discuss family, love, and school/work. When lamenting about Steve's schooling issues to him, he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "If he did go to the other school, maybe life would have been very different. Maybe you two would not have ever met." And I sat there, stunned. I mean, I've considered this before, but I somehow manage to forget. And the way he said it really made me go over it again.

If Steve didn't go to Brown, he wouldn't have met Pat. If he didn't meet Pat he never would have hung out with Bryce (though he would have known him through Andy). If I didn't go to Kiki's that fateful day before I broke up with Dan, I might not have met Bryce (or at least probably wouldn't have talked to him outside of parties at Kiki's - same with Pat, I thought he was just another burnout when I first met him). If I never dated Bryce and became friendlier with Pat/Maggie, I never would have been introduced to Steve. If I stopped hanging out with the group after Bryce and I stopped dating, Steve and I would never have dated. Pat and Maggie were head-over-heels for me, but that fades with loss of contact. I probably would have continued working at the middle school, and hung out with the girls more, partied more, and maybe would have continued smoking pot semi-regularly. I might have dated Eric Gleisner again, and I don't know what's behind that door. Funny how life works, isn't it? What-if's are really eye-opening sometimes.

For what it's worth, I'm happy with my life. I get to be myself with a man who gets me and supports me in so many ways. We rarely fight, and our fights aren't really considered fights compared to others. More like arguments where we both get worked up and then talk it out while feeling negative feelings. Versus yelling, tears, storming out, flying objects, pushing, etc. It's just smooth sailing, and it's so... nice. :)

 

Not that I'm friends with more than like 4 people on LJ anyway, if you want me to send you a "Christmas" card, leave your info! Only I see your information, and I promise not to stalk you!... *shifty eyes*[Poll #1648671]