A Heart's a Heavy Burden

The day started out fine, I had a decent amount of plans to continue organizing and cleaning and I got started in that... and then I crashed into a deep depression I’m blaming on getting my period on Monday (it was only 37 days from my last cycle, am I leveling out finally??). I’ve been really emotional and weepy, which is super unlike me. I spent the day laying on the couch feeling sad and anxious and worthless and scared, and then when my iPad battery got too low, I moved into the bedroom to continue my moping and so Steve came home to find me in fetal position and leaking tears.

He snuggled me and reassured me and we talked about reading more of the book we’d been reading. I know we both want to keep reading it, but it’s hard to go to such a heavy place when we’re really enjoying each other so much lately. I’ve been wondering if I should go to counseling once I get the school’s insurance (since it’s supposedly so good, though not sure yet about its therapy options)... like obviously there’s significant underlying issues to why I behaved the way I did, which was clear from my one session alone with Kelly. It was so annoying to be aware of my childhood and teenage years and to feel like I’m making excuses or minimizing because we only had an hour and I didn’t want to spend the whole time talking about my past when this issue was more pressing. But who we were affects who we are and clearly there’s more there that I should probably work through. If I can get a good counselor I think it could be helpful.

In the meantime, I cried a little bit and Steve and I napped for a bit until it was time for yoga, which Steve was sure would be helpful. He started ITG while I got ready, and it was a little chillier so I brought sweatpants and wore my shawl.

Yoga was interesting. I wore my Thinx workout shorts in case I leaked, and I LOVE them, but the leg material is really light and thin and rides up high when moving a lot, and I’m pretty sure my butt cheeks hang out. It was only me and 4 other women, all of whom are also “regulars” of Brandi. Normally I put my mat in the front row but because of being self-conscious about my junk hanging out I was in the back today, so only one woman was in front. She made a joke about how she ate a ton of vegetables right before class and maybe people shouldn’t be downwind of her. Brandi walked in in the middle and that sparked a silly discussion about farting in class (since everyone in the room was there on Monday with the other incident). I’m always simultaneously thrilled with being a part of things and tense because I struggle with getting close to people or relaxing into a situation.

I digress. The class was interesting because my hips were more tight than they’ve been in a long time, which I suspect was due to 1. My period and 2. All the traumatic, stressful, sad emotions I’ve been experiencing. In yoga, the hips are traditionally where we store sadness, anxiety, and trauma, so the theory is that you can get more emotional when doing exercises that release the hips.

So, I wasn’t very good at any of the hip openers, but we did something new, which was splits practice, so I got to learn how one starts to move into that that isn’t just standing splits. That was cool. Today in extended side angle I branched out and tried for a full bind instead of a half bind, and I got really close! I surprised myself and it really feels like I might get a full bind here soon. I did maybe pull one of my shoulders a little out of place trying to reach, but it shifted back during the next pose and I’ll be more careful next time.

My standing balancing wasn’t great because of my busy mind, so I held back a little in those poses. But! Brandi had us do a crescent twist with our knees on the ground, and THEN encouraged us to lift into full crescent (like being in the twist and then lifting our knee off the ground at the same time) and that balancing was awesome for me. Lifting yourself off the ground while in a twist is something I always feel like is impossible and then when I do it, I’m really surprised at my own body. Lol. I also did side plank today, which normally I do the modified pose of.

For the inversion, I wasn’t feeling dolphin again, but instead of crow I practiced wheel. I used to be able to do wheel all the time in the past, and now I can’t. I think it’s because I was doing it incorrectly before. I thought it was because my arms are weaker since stopping and starting yoga again but that can’t be true now. I really want to get back into that pose regularly. Instead of forcing my way into the pose I’m working on setting all of it up correctly, which makes it harder for me to push my arms in. So I did what amounted to a bridge headstand, which is a “bus stop,” as Brandi calls them, before full wheel.

Normally during legs up the wall I go into shoulder stand and then plow, but today I was really feeling legs up the wall. I marveled at how when I started yoga again back in June, I couldn’t straighten my legs beyond like 45*, and they’d get shaky and tired, and now my legs are perfectly straight and the pose is really relaxing. It’s my favorite restorative pose right now. Mmmmm.

In Brandi’s class, when we go into fetal before the end of class, she has us do a breathing routine, and today she talked about loving yourself and forgiving yourself, and in order to truly love others you need to love yourself, etc. And since I’ve been super depressed and emotional and NOT loving myself today, it hit me pretty hard and maybe I cried a little... but the class was dark so it didn’t matter.

When class was done, Stacy mentioned to me and Brandi that she got roofied at a local sports bar and luckily she was with a girl friend who got her home because she’d blacked out at like 9:30pm and remembered nothing. She said when she talked to the manager he said it happens depressingly often.

Then I got home, Steve was cute and heated us up our leftovers, we watched an episode of Parks and Rec, and then I snuggled him while he did more sidequesting - mostly Majima stuff - in Yakuza Kiwami. <3

I had a pretty awful day yesterday and ended up spending almost the entirety of the day at the vet and then the emergency clinic, and most of the time spent inbetween was through moping and sleeping.

Grimmy got blocked up again, and acted the same as last time: tried to pee, sat on the floor, meowed mournfully and gave me reproachful looks. When they looked at him they said he was worse than last time and they'd want to leave the catheter in for a few days. Money spent: $310. Then they recommended taking him to a 24-hour clinic nearby so he can be monitored at all times. What I didn't know was that this place is actually where the kings of the world visit when they want to stay at a hotel. The bill range for keeping Grim there? $1300 to $2500. Soooo... since the 5th I have spent a minimum of $2500 on this.

Now, money is just money. Grim is far more important to me than any money. HOWEVER. Vets here don't allow payment plans. They require everything up-front RIGHT NOW. So for people like me who make around $1000 every two weeks, it's going to hurt. People wonder why our society views pets as disposable. I would be sitting so pretty if I'd have just paid to put Grim down. And what happens if he gets sick AGAIN (which is, sadly, quite common) and I can't afford it? I couldn't even afford it NOW - the vet allowed me to open a $3000-limit credit line with a 27% interest rate if I don't pay it off quickly. I have enough if I use my credit cards and my entire savings, but I need to be able to pay my other bills and rent too. It's ridiculous and sad. 

Despite this bullshit, I still am steadfastly not going to give up on Grim. There is what's considered the "three strike rule" with his condition, and after the third blockage they recommend surgery. The surgery itself sounds horrific: they remove the most distal part of the penis and widen the opening, while creating a new urethra and bypass the old one. The issue again is: HOW MUCH DOES IT COST. Nowhere I've looked gives numbers, except for in Canada for $1200. Unfortunately, Canada is not the US and probably has better rates. Not to mention the healing process. I really, desperately hope it doesn't come to that.

I became very angry when I got an update from them. I didn't want them to do bloodwork, because last week it showed he was within normal ranges. I was told they "pretty much have to - no, they HAVE to." And, as I thought, it was FINE. I am a very aware parent, and I would not let him suffer. I mean, I was on constant alert, and he was still able to get some pee out, so I figured his kidneys were okay. And they are. And fuck you for taking my money. What I DID pay for that I didn't EXACTLY (on the outright) need to was to replace the catheter. They said that the one in him was very rigid and at risk for kinda making things worse with inflammation, so they "offered" to replace it with a softer one. In the call they said it was good I agreed because it was actually kinked and now he's more comfortable. Half the problem is that he's in pain and therefore his urinary sphincter closes as a reaction and prevents him from peeing. He needs to be comfortable in order to pee. It's a vicious cycle. Ugh.

Steve and I still went out to eat, a quiet lunch, and exchanged gifts (in a more subdued fashion than normal). I got him a tshirt with an adorable moogle on it and Epic Mickey (it was on sale on Amazon and I had a gift card), and he modeled, photoshopped, and framed an adorable inside cuteness. Instead of the big dango family, he made dangos with a danbo and made it the big danbo family using engrish and other cute phrases. It was adorable and great. I love homemade gifts. I also gave him a cute handmade card with Link and heart pieces and drew pictures and wrote all over it. Last year on our anniversary I bought him a card (my family is a family of Card Buyers) and he made me one that ended up being a billion times better, so I had to one-up him. Especially because he still makes fun of me for buying him a card ;)

He has been wonderful through all this. He wants to comfort me but I think I push him away, because a hug isn't going to fix my problems. Talking with him helps, and him being understanding about my need to feel these sad feelings and be depressed and sleep and sit on the floor of the shower and have a flat affect and appear cold is really helpful. He's there for me all the way, and I'm grateful for him.

Aaaanyway, I'm ridiculously depressed and mopey. Gonna eat some food and stare at the wall a lot wishing I could be home in bed. Keep Grim in your thoughts!

I'm actually not one to have bad days. Not since I cut myself free after 5 years with Dan and our poor excuse for a relationship. Steve and I get along phenomenally, and if we have a conflict (which is pretty uncommon) it doesn't take long to talk out. I'm on good terms with my family (minus the bad dreams I often have that i think hurts it from my end), and on good terms with my friends. I pretty much don't have bad days - more like, A Couple Hours of Suck Wrapped in a Pretty Good Day. 

Yesterday was A Bad Day.

The evening went fine while I was working, until it was time for shift change. My coworkers noticed one of the Narc counts was off. I know I only counted 79, but I signed for 79.5. Pickle. The program manager was super pissed at me because I didn't look at the number I was signing off on. I'm sorry that I put too much stock into my coworkers to LISTEN to the number I tell them, and if it doesn't match to let me know and we'll figure it out from there. So my coworker was stupid for not hearing me say half a pill less than she wrote down, but I was the bigger idiot because I was the one PRESENT for the wrath and for not double-checking what she wrote. There was a ton of confusion at this time, because I had been trying to talk to them and give out meds and write an incident report and med error (THIS IS WHY WE HAVE MED ERRORS DON'T MAKE US MULTITASK) and so I kept missing places to sign all the meds. It was a DISASTER. I almost cried I was so stressed out.

I was finally able to get out of there, and I stopped at school to drop something off, and I went to the Michael's by my Dr's office. Of COURSE they didn't have the right color yarn for me. I bought all the secondary colors I'd need (or at least a good chunk of them), but I can't use them unless I have a finished scarf. So I still needed the purple. Having more time left before my appt, I stopped over at Half-Priced books... and bought some stuff. "A Guide to writing Kanji and Kana" By Tuttle and the revised edition of Japanese for Busy People I. I am suuuuuper excited about the writing book. I have a copy machine at work and I made several copies of the first few hirigana practice pages so I can really begin to learn. I'm so happy about that!! AND the nurse called me and told me they found the missing half a pill and all is well with the world of narcotics at Maghakian Place. When I left though, my car gave me a scare and did a hard start. I need a new battery.

My doctor's appointment contributes to my Bad Day because it was a follow-up pap. My yearly came back abnormal but I also had an infection at the time so I refuse to pay for a colposcopy until I get confirmation again. It's expensive and invasive and 99% of the time comes up with nothing.

I stopped at WalMart on the way home (though it wasn't actually "on the way") and got my yarn. Then I FINALLY got home about 11:30am, and I get a call from my new advisor for school. She did EXACTLY what I knew she would as a new staff - searched my credits with a fine-tooth comb - and is having me come up ONE CLASS SHORT OF FUCKING GRADUATION. I told her I WAS graduating this fall. That the Department Head, Dr. Shelton, told me this summer that if my Audit Report gives me a checkmark, that it SHOULD SLIDE. I think I intimidated her (I was very edgy by this point and maybe talked with a harsher and more condescending tone than I should have). We agreed I would CC her on an email to Dr. Shelton. I'm practically BEGGING them to just let me graduate. I've been in school for 6 years, I've taken more than enough credits, just PLEASE, PLLLLEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE let me graduate. *sob*

And finally, Steve works until 11 this week and I leave for work at 11:45 so GOD that sucks. And Mike, a good friend from HS and my 2 years at UMD who now lives in Utah doing Geology stuff, had to cancel dinner on the 4th because he mixed up a wedding date. BUT! That might be salvaged with lunch the next day. Not sure. Ugh.

Begone with you, Bad Day!

*poof*