A Heart's a Heavy Burden

One thing that is both confusing and fascinating is what parts of this people in my own area (read: the Twin Cities) focus on, based on many different factors. A lot appears to be geography (in hotspots, suburbs, or distant), others, on principles or specific actions, personal context/experiences, and upbringing.

Most of my white friends are obsessed with the destruction. Many live in the suburbs or beyond. I'm not going to break it down because it's one of the most favorite debate topics right now and I'm tired. It's frustrating that white people particularly seem to think that debating and analyzing the reasoning behind destruction is the important part, or the part to endlessly be confused and questioning about.

Personally, all I care about is human rights. And what matters most is black people to stop being targets to our police. I support the right to protest, and for the media to witness it.

On another note, Bob Kroll (the police union president) is one of the biggest pieces of shit of all time. I mean, I've KNOWN this, it's not new. And if he keeps getting re-elected, guess who keeps re-electing him. Hmmmmm.

I've been learning a lot about defunding the police. I had never heard of this as a concept or possibility before last week. I was completely ignorant on the topic. Already having hated police and everything they stand for, it was easy to start delving into. However, if I had been approached about this a year ago (or 3 months ago or two weeks ago, whatever), I would have thought there was no chance.

Been having really good conversations with people I am close to. I did end up blocking Ann after I asked her nicely TWICE to step out of my space if she was going to just keep yelling (which she did after my initial posts). Mom said Ann wouldn't say anything to Paul about it and she's used to getting kicked out of people's houses (lmaooo).

The sacred circle at George Floyd's death site is amazing. I haven't gone directly there because it didn't feel like my place. As someone in the neighborhood said, "It's not coachella and you are not coming for a show. You do not understand the spirituality of black folks". Which is true. But even from here I can tell that's a powerful area. And those white people who feel comfortable going to PROTECT the black people in that space, I'm happy for.

Also, just got this email:



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Yesterday I got a notification for my Friendiversary with Joe, so that was cool.

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I have done almost nothing else other and breathe this situation. I have been almost zero productive at work - I think the only tangible things I've done over the last two weeks are:
1. Practicing New Student Orientation (NSO) with Suzanne and Jay
2. Putting together a third form for my Jadu training (but NOTHING else in that space)
3. Attending my Performance Review with Liz

I have played 1, maybe two games of Hearthstone, and knit maybe two rows on Sean's sweater. I have gone on two short walks with Steve, one to decompress after Saturday night, and the other on Sunday. But all we talk about is this. It's all I think about.

I mentioned that we had Thanksgiving at Ron and Ann's house because Ron's health was really ailing. Ron had been battling cancer for 8 years (that we know of). He was diagnosed with bladder cancer a long time ago - I swear I was a teenager when this happened, but according to this timeline, I'm wrong. He quit smoking around that time, but Ann didn't, so things are a bit iffy there. He went to chemo after finally asking my stepdad Paul for help, and for a long time we didn't hear anything. Mom and Paul always believed that Ron wasn't always open or honest about his health status. He was a stubborn German who hated looking weak. I certainly never heard about him actually saying what stage of cancer he was dealing with.

Over the past few years, Ron would occasionally mention that the cancer was back, but I think he did maybe 3 total stints of chemo over the course of the cancer. He didn't really modify his diet in any way and beyond quitting smoking, didn't alter his lifestyle. Sometime after his first remission he became a much mellower person. He laughed more and usually was good to be around. He loved Steve, and really liked to "talk shop" with him, even though *I'm* the handyman of the two of us. Steve is HOPELESS with home projects, and Ron had a meticulous setup in both his garage and a basement woodshop. But they got along really well and it was super cute how much Ron clearly liked Steve.

Over the past couple of years, I kind of felt like Ron and Ann were kind of shunning me off and on over some slight to my Aunt Nicole, who went so far as to block me on Facebook like 4 years ago for reasons I still have no idea about (we share the same political beliefs so it wasn't that, and I rarely use Facebook for anything but pictures so like, I couldn't have offended her in any way?). They are a VERY sensitive bunch, so I must have said something, which could be as minor as saying something about her hair or outfit, that made her so mad that she couldn't even see me on social media anymore and never wanted to talk to me about it. So instead of dwelling on what I could have possibly done, I just lived my life and acted the same I always do at family gatherings. only with less direct interaction with them unless they addressed me first. As I said, I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I did, so it's like I'm afraid of making it worse.

It actually kind of sucks, because my last major memory of Ron other than Thanksgiving was a couple of years ago when I went to decorate cookies at their house with my brother August, and Ann. I arrived at 3:30 on the dot, and was so proud of myself (because I'm ALWAYS late to things), and had a great time. I didn't notice at the time that Ron was pointedly ignoring me, until it was time to leave and didn't answer me when I said goodbye. Paul later texted to tell me that Ron was mad that I was late. I sent a screenshot of the text that Ann sent with the time... which said 3:30. Paul said Ron thought I was supposed to be there at 3. OKAYYYYY SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THEN. Eventually he got over it though.

Thanksgiving was really nice because Ron seemed in a pleasant mood. Drugged up and didn't move very much, but seemed content to chill and observe. He hugged me goodbye and said something like, "It was nice to see you, kiddo." That's pretty good for Ron.

On December 6th he went into hospice at home, on December 7th Nicole flew in from California, and he died on December 8th with his family around him. I was at my CPI training and it was just starting when Paul called to tell me. He was sobbing and said he just wanted me to hear it from him and then let me go. I felt sooo bad for them, I knew Nicole was a daddy's girl and Ann's been with him for a really long time. Over the weekend I bought cards for each of them (and August, who was close with Ron), and mailed them out on Monday. Having to read all those sympathy cards made me make kind of a crying scene, so Steve had to buy the cards while I pulled myself together (super uncharacteristic of me - the only other time in our relationship that I cried in public was one time when we got in a fight at Ikea in like 2012 lol and that was because I was hangry and sensitive).

Mom told me that she was going through Christmas cards she was getting and saw that I'd addressed one to just Paul, and she handed it to him and said, "I think this is for you." Then she said she looked over and he was crying into his card. She demonstrated this part in the story by making the crying face she saw. It was adorably funny. Nicole and Ann thanked me for their cards at Ron's funeral, and August texted me on Thursday thanking me and saying it meant a lot to him.

Steve, Connie, Bethany and Jake all arrived at the same time. We said hi to each person except Nicole, who was busy for the longest time. Eventually we got around to her. She was very sad. The picture collages they had up were really cool, one was all his childhood pics and pics before grandkids, and the other one was all his later life pics. There were a few cute ones of each of us kids with him - for me it was sitting on his lap probably one of the first times we met (at the house in Columbia Heights), fishing (like the one time we went with him), and when I opened an alarm clock when I was like 12.

Paul gave me the version of the verses they wanted me to read (Matthew 11:25-30). Bethany, Jake, August, Amber (August's gf), and Steve sat with me in the second row, and Connie sat behind Steve. I sat behind Paul and the family. The minister was really good, and nice. It was obvious Ann had told him how to pronounce my last name, because he said it correctly, but... he mispronounced my first name. I saw all my immediate family like, twitch in unison the first time it was mispronounced, and August giggled and made eye contact with me the second time he said it to formally introduce me (he pronounced it "Leia," like the Star Wars princess, not LEE-ah). When I went up there, I introduced myself "to those who don't know me," which was most people there. Lol. Bethany and Haley teased me about it later because OF COURSE I'd need to correct them - Bethany said her name is said wrong so consistently that "Brittany" and "Stephanie" are her alter-egos haaahaha. Haley said she's the same way, that people always mis-hear her name as Kaylie and it's fine. Not me, I'm on the spectrum, it physically hurts me to hear my name said wrong.

I was really nervous reading the piece because I had no time to practice the specific version that they wanted. The only way you could tell was by my shaky voice, but even Steve thought it was me trying not to cry (it wasn't, I was just shaking). Everyone thanked me for it and said it was beautiful, etc. but it felt so weird after grandpa Jack's funeral, where Mom had me read her personal eulogy and it was pretty lengthy. The Matthew verses (imo) are kind of vague and removed. But they meant a lot to Ann.

After that, Nicole and Paul gave their eulogies. Nicole's was super sad because she cried the whole time, talked about her dad being complicated but that she understood him in a way other people didn't, and that she was always a daddy's girl, and that she had a lot of regrets due to conflict with him and living so far away. When Paul went up there he was all, "Thanks, Nicole!" and began to tell his, which was very "Paul": kind of sarcastic, well-prepared, and full of humor and stories. He talked at length about his dad, with a good timeline of events that were funny, poignant, and engaging. They captured the many sides of Ron while also doing justice to his memory. I couldn't tell how he was telling the stories so well without stuttering or rambling. It was good. Haley said the stories were "kind of mean" but I thought they were very true to both Paul's personality and his experience.

Afterwards Steve and I went to dinner with my parents and Connie, and that was pretty good. I got in a minor argument with my dad on Facebook while we were waiting, because he tried to compare this whole net neutrality thing with buying a car ("If you want nice things, you gotta pony up") and I pointed out the comparison is meaningless and makes no sense.

It ended up being a little awkward because they accidentally gave me a meat burger and Connie my veggie burger, but I ate my fries first and Connie didn't notice she was not eatng meat, so by the time I cut my burger, she was halfway finished with hers. The waitress was super apologetic, and went to put in a new order. In the meantime, Connie and I swapped. By the end of the meal, I still hadn't gotten my replacement burger, and the waitress was so confused because I had had the one burger half. I personally did not care because the burger was very meh, but my family is INSANE about getting what you deserve, so they made sure to point it out. I ended up getting comp'd the burger AND a $10 gift card to the place. I immediately gave it to Mom because I'm never planning on going there so it didn't matter. It was really nice, and super unnecessary, lol.

By the time it was done, it was like 7:30 and we had a 40-minute drive home. On the way, Courtney tried to text me in such a way that buttered me up and convinced me to go to this Quimby party I never planned on going to, regardless of what else was going on, and I got pretty mad at her.

"Please don't make me go to Quimby's alone. I need to have secret judgement meetings with you *cry emoji* <3"

I responded:

"Haaahahaha" [New text} "We're just leaving my grandpa's funeral, I really can't do more people todayyy *crying emoji*"

This is her reponse:

"*sad emoji* I just want to hang out with the gang outside of a basement and I was looking forward to the party for a long time because of that." [New text] "But I understand. I know your grandpa's service was today so you're probably drained. I'm just being selfish."

Now, Haley and Bethany AT FIRST said that like, she was being kind of insensitive but at least she did acknowledge that she was being selfish. THEN POSTS A FACEBOOK STATUS:



KAYYYYYYY.

Like, I usually don't hold onto things for more than a couple of minutes, but I am legit angry about her whining and self-serving AND the low-key insulting the basement hangouts. I've known Courtney for 8 years and Steve has known Courtney since high school and fucking TOO BAD FOR HER if she doesn't want to hang in the basement (which has ALWAYS been Steve's MO), but to like, talk negatively about basement hangouts when that's not even part of the conversation? I take that personally. We have been telling her that if she wants to do something OUT, she needs to plan and set it up. She wants to be babied and continues hinting about things she wants to do but never actually setting something up. I refuse to baby her. I'm not going to feel guilty about how I like to spend my time, and I can't believe that she is so whiny about people not going to a party when she NEVER!!!! mentioned going to anyone. We're not even her main friends group! Quimby has parties like every weekend... how am I supposed to know WHICH she wants to go to? Regardless, the point stands to me that she was being rude as fuck about not wanting to go out after my grandpa's funeral. I was so tired and drained. God!

I seethed about it for awhile but then Nick came over and hung out with me and Steve. I watched Steve play Uncharted 4 and finished knitting another of Mom's washcloths for Christmas. It was a good night.

Job hunting sucks. But I greatly improved my resume tonight.

In other news, I learned yesterday that my friend Mikey's mom died a short while ago. If you recall, Mikey is my friend who killed himself in January of '09, right after leaving a small group party (read: 4 people) we were both at. His mother struggled immensely in the aftermath of his death (he really was a most wonderful person and I'm glad I told him so like a billion times that night), and while I don't know for certain as it is rude to ask such details, I am fairly sure that she chose the same path he did. She was only 41/42 years old. I sympathize dearly with the surviving son/sibling. I hope he does not choose to follow in their footsteps. Very tragic.

( Bento goodness!! )


In other, sane news, Joe Waid's birthday is tomorrow so we're throwing him his birthday fun at midnight. Because Pat works days now, Steve and I work nights, Nick works evenings, Nikki has a life at his college, and Faith goes to school a couple hours away, and Joe Waid works weekends, it's been hard trying to plan it! I think Steve and Pat have most of the kinks worked out for what we're going to have him do (in my friends group it's usually a "work for your presents through challenges or scavenger hunts" type deal), and I came up with the cake idea (and Pat said he's on board as long as he gets to get all cranky and bossy and likely take the whole thing over in order to make it perfect). I finished his ( scarf ) yesterday, though I have one major mistake I need to fix. It's an easy fix; I was just being careless in the duplicate stitching. The symbol especially looks good in person and I'm proud of that chart ^_^ Joe Waid's a really hard person to shop for, and Pat's already said how jealous he is that Joe Waid gets a scarf and that it's obviously going to be the best gift :P What I felt like was a near cop-out is apparently quite popular.

I got to chat with my sister for awhile yesterday, and that was fun. It served to remind me I need to find weekend time to visit her. Whenever I bring it up, she always tells me when the next time she's bringing Cayden over to our parents' house, which I find odd. I don't need to go home to see my nephew, and I almost prefer our quiet time to big family hullabaloo. Anyway, she just wanted to vent while she smoked (she's like me and gets bored when doing menial things and likes to make phone calls) about how she feels like she's not getting any support for getting an apartment and applying to school and getting her GED and working full-time, and in fact said that our parents discouraged her from going to school right now. Bethany says it's the perfect time to go to school because Tony can afford to not work (vs paying more for a daycare that money Tony made from a job wouldn't be worth), and she can support the three of them on her job at Mystic Lake Casino. She obviously doesn't want to be a server forever, so she wants to at least get an Associate's. It's always so hilarious to me when she talks about Paul's "mental issues", or as I call them, "a failure to realize that the parent-child roles change when the kids are adults, living on their own, and having children."

We also talked a bit about death and I gave her the rundown on Pam's dad's funeral. She brought up Paul's dad again, because she recently found out he'd been given 6 months to live - 6 months ago. And he quit chemo (I don't blame him). He has lung cancer; I'm pretty sure he knows what that means for him no matter what he does. So now Bethany is kinda expecting to hear every day that he's died, because of the length of time he was given (the same sentence was given to Bre's grandma, who lived like 4 more years, but she had liver cancer and therefore could do surgeries and she smoked weed ["just a couple puffs"] to keep her appetite up and her pain down). When Bethany and I were listing in what order we thought we'd lose our like 50 grandparents (okay, like 8), Ron hadn't been high on the list. It's just weird. He's only 65.

This THEN led to her talking about her opinions on food consumption after re-watching "Food Matters" (it's instant on Netflix, btw) and how she really believes food does affect your body and cause cancer and that you SHOULD eat healthy and mostly raw, etc.  She commented on her recent gallbladder issues - they offered to take her gallbladder out because it's coated in sludge right now, assumed to be from energy drinks. She said no, and told me that, "It's my fault it is this way. Removing it would be the easy way out so I should try to fix it on my own first!" And then she said, "And of course after I watch it then I go through BK drive-thru but whatever!" XD I actually think half of it is her fear of pain and doctors and needles.

But anyway, she said she can't talk to anyone about her food opinions because they don't agree with her. What she means to say is they're ignorant, or don't care. Our parents tout healthiness, but I'm not sure how much they follow these days. They're incredibly elitist about food that anyone else consumes, though. Steve made fun of me hardcore the other day for throwing a miniature fit when the store didn't have the yogurt I wanted. All the brands that were there had sugar added or were made from just milk (no live cultures)! No! But he's so right, I DID sound like my parents. It was really funny. And I don't even care!

It's interesting this comes up for her right when I'm about to start seriously trying to lead a good healthy life, without being limiting or dieting. I'm already about halfway there, with the high fruit and veggie consumption, low meat intake, attempts to balance protein and fat, but I need more.

I haven't been sleeping very well the past couple weeks. I'm used to waking up a few times a night, but I feel like lately it's nearly hourly. I don't feel rested and I definitely don't ever want to get up for anything. Ughhh.

The English version of Clannad is on Netflix Instant, and I was super excited because I love that show soooo much, but so far I am NOT liking a lot of the voice actor choices. Sunohara was much more comical with a deeper voice (to offset his blonde hair), not a prepubescent annoying one. And Nagisa's voice is too high and not timid/soft enough. Tomoya's voice stands out BECAUSE everyone else seems to have such high-pitched voices.

This weekend was quite busy for me. On Friday I went to Pam's father's funeral. Bethany texted me at the last minute saying she couldn't go, after she'd convinced me to go in a black skirt instead of my originally-planned oufit of jeans and a black shirt. My predictions on the dress were correct: it was varied and rather informal. My dad wore a suit, but Pam was wearing brown and a lot of people were in jeans. I did NOT like the pastor or whatever. He was a former military man, wearing his uniform, talking mostly about himself as well as god (it was a Catholic funeral, so that much was expected). He also walked around with a tape recorder and shoving it into people's faces while making jokes and insisting you "shouldn't be sad" and "life goes on." He was very insensitive - he even made a comment/joke about dementia when he couldn't remember something (Pam's dad had general dementia...). He made it incredibly difficult for anyone to mourn without feeling awkward, because they were expected to be laughing. Adam broke down at some point and it was so sad. I comforted him as best I could. I was uncomfortable the entire time because he was so firmly violating my idea of how a funeral should go. Mikey's funeral was my favorite because there were a couple people who spoke  - telling stories and reading poetry, and some of the stories were funny, but the overarching theme was of remembrance and grief at losing him. At Pam's dad's funeral there was no plan for speaking, so people went up and winged it. Some of them were quite touching, but I definitely got the feel that this was just like Pam's family. So many of them attended but it was Pam (1 of 9 kids, 6 or 7 living) who had to try to organize it all.

The pictures of him as a young man were really nice. He was taken off of a reservation in North Dakota and put into Catholic boarding schools until he was old enough for war, when he went to Iwo Jima. My stepbrother James looks just like him (actually a lot of men in the family do). It was also the first time I remember seeing a picture of Pam's mother - she died a long time ago. Pam is the spitting image of her.

On Saturday I went to lunch with my auntie Connie, cousin Haley, and grandmas Ann and Carla. I always find it funny that Carla and Ann get along, as they've each had a shot at my grandpa (Carla had previously been married to said man's brother in the past before marrying him), though neither are with him now. It's always funny when they tell stories, because of similar experiences. Haley was angsty and pouty as usual (she's 16), but I had a really good time. We were out for like 3 hours and I was exhausted by the time I got home. Then in the evening (actually this was technically Sunday morning) we had Pat and Nick over to watch The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya, based off of the fourth light novel. It was sooooo good! The version we had was really high quality too. The Disappearance focuses a lot on Nagato, which is even better. Omg. Yummm.

Steve and I forgot that malls and every other damn stores don't open until 11am on Sundays, so we were bored at 9:30 driving around trying to figure out what to do. Finally we just wandered until 10:30 and then drove to the Mall of America. We spent the day shopping. I got so many good things! I even got another workout video (this one using pilates, yoga, and... something else!) and a nutrition book. I got some nice shirts and even avoided buying more hoodies I don't need! ^_^ I got a cute skirt for $5, but I need to tone up before I can wear it. The mirrors at H&M are very unforgiving and made me feel excessively lumpy. Steve said he thought they made him feel stumpy and short. To be honest, the H&M at Maplewood Mall has better stuff than the one at MoA, probably because it doesn't get picked through so quickly. Anyway, it was really fun! We also got a couple DS games, the first in awhile for us!

Finally we got home at 3:30 and I got to bed at 4:30. Back to the ol' grind!

This is for Mikey, who died 2 years ago today, even though I'd just seen him barely a couple hours before.

We were partying with just a couple close friends - it was me, Mikey, Tessie and Isaiah - and Mikey got agitated and left the party between 5:30am and 6am, despite Tessie begging him not to. He went home and killed himself. You never would have known he had been planning on doing it, he was the happiest guy.

( Photos of darling Mikey )