spritechan | Entries tagged with anger issues

Today was a day spent working, working so damn hard. In the morning we were all asked to come to a meeting to say goodbye to those of us leaving. Parkway is experiencing a mass exodus as a result of all the turmoil, and Jocelyn had us say goodbye one by one, with other people speaking “honoring” the ones leaving, and then the ones leaving giving a small speech. There are like, 13 of us going. Lots of people cried. When it was my turn, Tealie, Jan, Corri and Jenny all had really nice things to say about me. Tealie told the story of the time we had that crazy class our first year together, when the kids literally could not move with purpose and at any given time people were wandering the room. We really wanted the kids to be able to move and do a gallery walk, and somehow came up with the idea to put tape on the floor for them to follow, and it WORKED. soooo funny. Corri and Jenny both talked about getting to truly co-teach and what they learned from working with a teacher who cares so much about kids and has so much patience, and Jan called me her work daughter and pretty much made my entire life because Jan IS my mom. She’s the mom I never had, and I love her so much.

I ran really quick to Vincente’s IEP meeting, and Brian told Vincente’s mom that I’m the one person that Vincente would do anything for because we have a special relationship. After that I spent the day trying to get all my files in order. I sat up in the work room with Jan, Brian and Andy, all doing the same thing. Eventually I asked Steve to join me while I finished my work at Parkway. I still haven’t started on my stuff for Nokomis, but that will have to wait.

He came, and I was surprised to find that I was basically at the end of stuff I needed to do! I hadn’t eaten since 8am so I was very very hungry. I suggested we go to Cossetta’s, and we were both really looking forward to it because we could sit outside. There wasn’t a line, which was awesome. When I got up to the mastaccioli, I asked the lady if I could get extra sauce, like I have done every single time I have been to cossetta’s. I said it very nicely, as I always do, but apparently it was the most annoying request in the entire world to this lady. She made a huge show of stopping, GLARING at me, and dramatically dumping the noodles out of the container. She very bitchily informed me that I was supposed to tell the lady NEXT to her, who was handing the containers as orders came in, so that she would know to put extra sauce in the bottom. As if that’s the only place sauce can go, and I violated a sacred rule. Let me remind you I have done this every single time I have gone to Cossetta’s, without issue. I felt the rage boil inside me as a black cloud of anger formed between us, but I remembered how Steve said I’ve been picking fights lately with customer service people, so I swallowed my DEFINITELY JUSTIFIED anger, and used the same tone as the lady when I responded with just an, “okay,” and hoped the biting contempt in my own voice got the point across to her. If I was anyone else, or maybe if I was alone, I would have asked to see a manager because her attitude was completely unnecessary and rude as hell. She legit talked to me as if I was a stupid child who ruined her day. To my surprise, Steve was just as mad as I was, and made a couple loud funny comments as we waited at the next section.

The food was delicious, as always. When we got home we watched the Sony E3 conference with Scott, and since I went into it knowing nothing about what’s coming out, I was properly entertained. Some of the games coming out look exciting and fun.

I mentioned that we had Thanksgiving at Ron and Ann's house because Ron's health was really ailing. Ron had been battling cancer for 8 years (that we know of). He was diagnosed with bladder cancer a long time ago - I swear I was a teenager when this happened, but according to this timeline, I'm wrong. He quit smoking around that time, but Ann didn't, so things are a bit iffy there. He went to chemo after finally asking my stepdad Paul for help, and for a long time we didn't hear anything. Mom and Paul always believed that Ron wasn't always open or honest about his health status. He was a stubborn German who hated looking weak. I certainly never heard about him actually saying what stage of cancer he was dealing with.

Over the past few years, Ron would occasionally mention that the cancer was back, but I think he did maybe 3 total stints of chemo over the course of the cancer. He didn't really modify his diet in any way and beyond quitting smoking, didn't alter his lifestyle. Sometime after his first remission he became a much mellower person. He laughed more and usually was good to be around. He loved Steve, and really liked to "talk shop" with him, even though *I'm* the handyman of the two of us. Steve is HOPELESS with home projects, and Ron had a meticulous setup in both his garage and a basement woodshop. But they got along really well and it was super cute how much Ron clearly liked Steve.

Over the past couple of years, I kind of felt like Ron and Ann were kind of shunning me off and on over some slight to my Aunt Nicole, who went so far as to block me on Facebook like 4 years ago for reasons I still have no idea about (we share the same political beliefs so it wasn't that, and I rarely use Facebook for anything but pictures so like, I couldn't have offended her in any way?). They are a VERY sensitive bunch, so I must have said something, which could be as minor as saying something about her hair or outfit, that made her so mad that she couldn't even see me on social media anymore and never wanted to talk to me about it. So instead of dwelling on what I could have possibly done, I just lived my life and acted the same I always do at family gatherings. only with less direct interaction with them unless they addressed me first. As I said, I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I did, so it's like I'm afraid of making it worse.

It actually kind of sucks, because my last major memory of Ron other than Thanksgiving was a couple of years ago when I went to decorate cookies at their house with my brother August, and Ann. I arrived at 3:30 on the dot, and was so proud of myself (because I'm ALWAYS late to things), and had a great time. I didn't notice at the time that Ron was pointedly ignoring me, until it was time to leave and didn't answer me when I said goodbye. Paul later texted to tell me that Ron was mad that I was late. I sent a screenshot of the text that Ann sent with the time... which said 3:30. Paul said Ron thought I was supposed to be there at 3. OKAYYYYY SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THEN. Eventually he got over it though.

Thanksgiving was really nice because Ron seemed in a pleasant mood. Drugged up and didn't move very much, but seemed content to chill and observe. He hugged me goodbye and said something like, "It was nice to see you, kiddo." That's pretty good for Ron.

On December 6th he went into hospice at home, on December 7th Nicole flew in from California, and he died on December 8th with his family around him. I was at my CPI training and it was just starting when Paul called to tell me. He was sobbing and said he just wanted me to hear it from him and then let me go. I felt sooo bad for them, I knew Nicole was a daddy's girl and Ann's been with him for a really long time. Over the weekend I bought cards for each of them (and August, who was close with Ron), and mailed them out on Monday. Having to read all those sympathy cards made me make kind of a crying scene, so Steve had to buy the cards while I pulled myself together (super uncharacteristic of me - the only other time in our relationship that I cried in public was one time when we got in a fight at Ikea in like 2012 lol and that was because I was hangry and sensitive).

Mom told me that she was going through Christmas cards she was getting and saw that I'd addressed one to just Paul, and she handed it to him and said, "I think this is for you." Then she said she looked over and he was crying into his card. She demonstrated this part in the story by making the crying face she saw. It was adorably funny. Nicole and Ann thanked me for their cards at Ron's funeral, and August texted me on Thursday thanking me and saying it meant a lot to him.

Steve, Connie, Bethany and Jake all arrived at the same time. We said hi to each person except Nicole, who was busy for the longest time. Eventually we got around to her. She was very sad. The picture collages they had up were really cool, one was all his childhood pics and pics before grandkids, and the other one was all his later life pics. There were a few cute ones of each of us kids with him - for me it was sitting on his lap probably one of the first times we met (at the house in Columbia Heights), fishing (like the one time we went with him), and when I opened an alarm clock when I was like 12.

Paul gave me the version of the verses they wanted me to read (Matthew 11:25-30). Bethany, Jake, August, Amber (August's gf), and Steve sat with me in the second row, and Connie sat behind Steve. I sat behind Paul and the family. The minister was really good, and nice. It was obvious Ann had told him how to pronounce my last name, because he said it correctly, but... he mispronounced my first name. I saw all my immediate family like, twitch in unison the first time it was mispronounced, and August giggled and made eye contact with me the second time he said it to formally introduce me (he pronounced it "Leia," like the Star Wars princess, not LEE-ah). When I went up there, I introduced myself "to those who don't know me," which was most people there. Lol. Bethany and Haley teased me about it later because OF COURSE I'd need to correct them - Bethany said her name is said wrong so consistently that "Brittany" and "Stephanie" are her alter-egos haaahaha. Haley said she's the same way, that people always mis-hear her name as Kaylie and it's fine. Not me, I'm on the spectrum, it physically hurts me to hear my name said wrong.

I was really nervous reading the piece because I had no time to practice the specific version that they wanted. The only way you could tell was by my shaky voice, but even Steve thought it was me trying not to cry (it wasn't, I was just shaking). Everyone thanked me for it and said it was beautiful, etc. but it felt so weird after grandpa Jack's funeral, where Mom had me read her personal eulogy and it was pretty lengthy. The Matthew verses (imo) are kind of vague and removed. But they meant a lot to Ann.

After that, Nicole and Paul gave their eulogies. Nicole's was super sad because she cried the whole time, talked about her dad being complicated but that she understood him in a way other people didn't, and that she was always a daddy's girl, and that she had a lot of regrets due to conflict with him and living so far away. When Paul went up there he was all, "Thanks, Nicole!" and began to tell his, which was very "Paul": kind of sarcastic, well-prepared, and full of humor and stories. He talked at length about his dad, with a good timeline of events that were funny, poignant, and engaging. They captured the many sides of Ron while also doing justice to his memory. I couldn't tell how he was telling the stories so well without stuttering or rambling. It was good. Haley said the stories were "kind of mean" but I thought they were very true to both Paul's personality and his experience.

Afterwards Steve and I went to dinner with my parents and Connie, and that was pretty good. I got in a minor argument with my dad on Facebook while we were waiting, because he tried to compare this whole net neutrality thing with buying a car ("If you want nice things, you gotta pony up") and I pointed out the comparison is meaningless and makes no sense.

It ended up being a little awkward because they accidentally gave me a meat burger and Connie my veggie burger, but I ate my fries first and Connie didn't notice she was not eatng meat, so by the time I cut my burger, she was halfway finished with hers. The waitress was super apologetic, and went to put in a new order. In the meantime, Connie and I swapped. By the end of the meal, I still hadn't gotten my replacement burger, and the waitress was so confused because I had had the one burger half. I personally did not care because the burger was very meh, but my family is INSANE about getting what you deserve, so they made sure to point it out. I ended up getting comp'd the burger AND a $10 gift card to the place. I immediately gave it to Mom because I'm never planning on going there so it didn't matter. It was really nice, and super unnecessary, lol.

By the time it was done, it was like 7:30 and we had a 40-minute drive home. On the way, Courtney tried to text me in such a way that buttered me up and convinced me to go to this Quimby party I never planned on going to, regardless of what else was going on, and I got pretty mad at her.

"Please don't make me go to Quimby's alone. I need to have secret judgement meetings with you *cry emoji* <3"

I responded:

"Haaahahaha" [New text} "We're just leaving my grandpa's funeral, I really can't do more people todayyy *crying emoji*"

This is her reponse:

"*sad emoji* I just want to hang out with the gang outside of a basement and I was looking forward to the party for a long time because of that." [New text] "But I understand. I know your grandpa's service was today so you're probably drained. I'm just being selfish."

Now, Haley and Bethany AT FIRST said that like, she was being kind of insensitive but at least she did acknowledge that she was being selfish. THEN POSTS A FACEBOOK STATUS:

KAYYYYYYY.

Like, I usually don't hold onto things for more than a couple of minutes, but I am legit angry about her whining and self-serving AND the low-key insulting the basement hangouts. I've known Courtney for 8 years and Steve has known Courtney since high school and fucking TOO BAD FOR HER if she doesn't want to hang in the basement (which has ALWAYS been Steve's MO), but to like, talk negatively about basement hangouts when that's not even part of the conversation? I take that personally. We have been telling her that if she wants to do something OUT, she needs to plan and set it up. She wants to be babied and continues hinting about things she wants to do but never actually setting something up. I refuse to baby her. I'm not going to feel guilty about how I like to spend my time, and I can't believe that she is so whiny about people not going to a party when she NEVER!!!! mentioned going to anyone. We're not even her main friends group! Quimby has parties like every weekend... how am I supposed to know WHICH she wants to go to? Regardless, the point stands to me that she was being rude as fuck about not wanting to go out after my grandpa's funeral. I was so tired and drained. God!

I seethed about it for awhile but then Nick came over and hung out with me and Steve. I watched Steve play Uncharted 4 and finished knitting another of Mom's washcloths for Christmas. It was a good night.

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First off, I would like to say that I think either half the people answering the question are liars, or only the "good" ones are answering, because I know A LOT of people who snoop on their significant other. I even know a girl who didn't want her boyfriend talking with this one girl, so she'd go into his email and facebook and delete any messages or emails she'd send him.

I don't think that you should snoop on your partner, no. It causes a lot of issues. I've read some of Steve's texts before and he's done the same to me, but never out of suspicion or anger. I remember him saying something to me a few months ago like, "If you read my texts, whatever you do DON'T go into my drafts folder. It's where I keep my list of gift ideas for you." And I haven't, because I know it's true.

The interesting thing about him is how trusting he is. He's like the perfect person when it comes to showing resiliency. He discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend through their comments to each other on MySpace. Not messages, COMMENTS! Who knows what the hell they were messaging each other?! Most people would then be wary of the next social networking addict. But he's not. We're both very open about what we're doing. Anything we ask the other, we answer. Once I made a stupid drunken decision (something like, "HEYYY WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE LET'S EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERRRRS." I think. He might have asked me.) at a party with some douche, and when Steve asked who I was texting and I told him the story, he (rightfully, especially considering he's straight-edge and thinks drunk people are stupid) got angry with me. With no qualms I immediately texted the guy saying that we should no longer speak (he had been texting me a lot since the party, but only like one-word texts) because we had no reason to (which is true), and deleted the number out of my phone to show that I didn't mean any harm and it meant nothing to me. And all was well.

Now, I'm not perfect. I HAVE been snoopy before.

When I was with Dan, there was a serious lack of trust and we snooped on each other all the time (granted, we were together from the ages of 16-21, therefore started young). For me, I felt justified. I found lies everywhere I looked. One of the biggest lies was when I should have been smart and called it quits, but I'm a ninny. We were going to school four hours apart and he hadn't called me for a few days. I signed into his facebook to get a friend's phone number that he lived with, and being 18 and curious, I checked his messages. In there I found several between him and an ex, which hurt a lot because 1. He was NEVER close with his ex. They met in MEXICO on a mission trip, didn't live near each other, and didn't yet have licenses or cell phones and therefore rarely talked. 2. He went many stretches of time without any contact with me at all. The most recent one was dated the previous day, apologizing for not calling her back AFTER TALKING TO ME (when he'd always say he was tired and wanted to get off the phone, etc.). I confronted him; he outright lied about it, even after I told him I was staring directly at the message.

There were hints about him visiting her "again." When asked about this, he said she was referring to a long time ago and wanted to see him but he wouldn't. Of course, not believing him, I signed into MSN and started a conversation with her. To be fair, she sounded like she was only interested in hanging out and was totally open to talking to me, knowing who I was. What I learned from her was that he went to a different state to visit his friend and herself. That he drove like 6 hours to see them. When he couldn't be assed to even talk to me.

I was so mad that if he'd been present, I might have seriously scratched his eyes out. I was RAGING. We talked for like three hours as he tried to convince me to not break up with him. And eventually I relented. And then spent another 3 years of the same old shit. After we broke up but I continued to live with him for a time, a bunch more stuff I never knew about came trickling out of him. He thought it was funny, how much he lied to me.

I guess I have some issues after Dan, but I trust Steve. He's given me no reason to be suspicious of his behavior, so I treat him that way.

Current Mood: complacent

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

RAGE RAGE RAGE

I effectively utilized my anger coping strategy of "Venting to friends" (sorry, terrible joke with myself utilizing work vernacular) with Bre to keep from sending almost literal venom into Dan's face. I thought of a million horrible but omgsogood things to say to him, trimmed it down, ALMOST sent it, but sent it to Bre instead, who helped me calm afterwards.

I'm so helpless to his play at power struggles that I feel like I'm going to explode. Hopefully I can get him to give the account back, and then I will forever remove him from my life and all will be well.

*Exasperated sigh.*

P.S. the funny coincidence? His little brother Michael, whom I adore to DEATH, texted me, thanking me for his bday gift and card ^_^ I mailed him some moolah this weekend. I love him. He told me the other week that he brought ( Pwny ) to college. AWWWW! He's so great!

Current Mood: complacent

Current Mood: annoyed

-Getting excited for Deathly Hallows! I've decided to quick knit up a ribbed scarf, in HuffPuff colors o' course!
-Probs going to reread the 7th book if I can this weekend!
-It's my birthday the same night DH comes out, and I'm super excited to see what Steve got me!!
-There's Dan drama afoot. He told me a couple weeks ago he might be able to get my kidnapped toon back to me. I told him the other day it's not THAT, it's that in merging our account he effectively made it so I will have to rebuy the discs, which I do not want to do. Then he FLIPPED OUT because I wrote "I DO NOT WANT TO REBUY THE DISCS PLEASE LISTEN" in all caps and APPARENTLY that was being a bitch.
( No wait, here's a screen of our convo )

I mean, yeah I'm kinda pissy, and snarky. But not to the extent which he is saying. And "bitch for no reason"? Uhhhhhh I have PLENTY of reason to be a bitch. I also kind of feel like we are having two separate conversations. I hate him.