spritechan | Entries tagged with blogging

Wait, it’s already halfway through the week?? That’s both exciting and terrifying. We only have one more real week left of school and I have so much to do, including a lot of things that require me to test students - not just paperwork typing. I’m definitely fucked again this year with regards to filing... getting access to our special ed files is so much hassle and I hate it! I was also quite terrible with progress reports, though I believe I’m not the only one by far so phew. It just means I’ll have a long Monday the 11th getting everything finished. Lucky for me though, since I only have 6th graders I don’t need to freak out as much as other years, since none of my kids’ files are getting sent along to high schools. That was my big issue in previous years, especially my first one (where I had 10 8th graders omg).

My day was spent feverishly trying to test and get emails sent out, and by the end of the day I had a pretty bad headache, so I came home to a waiting Steve and tried to nap away my headache in the dark. The nap was unsuccessful because I realized I wasn’t tired, just low energy and kind of emotional. Eventually I sat back up and did some scrolling until Steve was kind enough to heat us up some dinner, more potato soup. Yummm. When he was gone I started thinking about how grateful I am that Steve has stuck with me, and how strong he is, and how much I love our life and how much I appreciate him. I mean I think that stuff all the time, but seeing Pat and Aimee for some reason really launched my head into a tailspin about how even though it was just 3 months ago, that all that feels like a completely different life, and I feel so divorced from that behavior, and a life without Steve is such a sad, empty, pathetic version of a life that is so pale and colorless. He makes my life so full of happiness and love, and I don’t want a life where he’s not in it. So all of that has been swirling in my head and he brought me down heated up soup and bread and I just started crying. He asked me what was going on and I tried to tell him, I hope I did an okay job. It’s hard to articulate all of my feelings on the matter and they just get so intense that apparently what I do now is cry. Lol.

After I calmed down and we talked about it, we ate our soup and enjoyed Kripp playing some Hearthstone, exactly what I want to be doing with my life, and precisely who I want to be spending that time with. Soon after, Nick came over. We chatted for awhile about this and that, and then put on The Office while Nick continued Uncharted and I got scolded for continuing to scroll and not knit, which was so valid. I really would rather be knitting, I think it’s just that I love the iPad so much, it’s hard to transition away. I knit a good chunk more rows on my LYS shawl. I’m about 1 and a half repeats from doing my first color change. The Hedgehog fibers yarn is GORGEOUS and soft and I love working with it. I continue to encourage everyone to take up knitting, it is such a fine hobby AND YOU GET TO USE WHAT YOU MAKE (or gift it, whichever). Like you make an actual textile and it is amazing, and super impressive to non-knitters. To be fair, a lot of it IS impressive. But still. ;)

YarnHarlot posted an entry recently where she was able to take horrible, cheap dishcloth yarn and weave two very nice scarves out of it, and it has made me even MORE excited to learn weaving with Sean next weekend at Sow’s Ear. Another fantastic use of yarn, can’t wait.

Noah and I texted a bit about our food consumption and MyFitnessPal. Noah is realizing that MFP underestimates calories and overestimates exercise. I explained that with my Apple Watch , my scores get wonky as the watch actually tracks my true activity, which can lower (or raise) my total amount of food to consume for the day. It’s kinda cool but also kinda confusing. I’m just aiming for a specific range at this point until I get a better grasp of my activity levels. But Noah sent me a super cute text that ended with, “thanks for excitedly doing this with me, it’s keeping me motivated to become a thinner dood.” Awwww. It was so sweet, but more starkly put into perspective how he lives in the middle of nowhere with only white racists and teenagers as company, and I want to be a good friend! And you KNOW how much I love a good motivational health regimen. What better way than with friends who need support?!

I forgot to mention yesterday that Steve and I went to Stephanie’s Yoga Flow class for anniversary and that was super good and fun. She moved a bit too fast for my liking, and she was as dopey as ever. I prefer classes with slightly less poses in favor of holding to get a deeper stretch. If you’ve ever tried to hold a pose for even 45 seconds, you know that *less* poses does NOT equal *easier* poses. Moving too fast just means that you can’t settle in, make sure you’re doing the pose correctly, with all its micro adjustments and muscle fatigue. But it was good to go for anniversary, and I really want to find a class that works for Steve. Maybe I’ll take him to hot yoga, since that’s the same poses every time and they are slow and drawn out. But still the opposite of easy.

Now I’m about to head to bed. Nick is still here but I think he def needs to head home relatively soon because he has to work, and Steve will probably stay up playing Owl Boy on the Switch, which we just got in the mail yesterday. Looks good so far!

A couple years ago, Ben lent Steve and myself a book that was a compilation of letters he wrote to his friends and family during his first year of college. He sent it as a kind of newsletter that summarized his daily life. He called it "college complaints," and it was hilariously steeped in the deep-seated but kindhearted annoyed way that Ben has. His family had it published for him, and the rest is history. However, he only wrote through the Spring of that year, and they abruptly end. This last time that we visited Ben and Sean, it was revealed that Ben began writing again a few years later, and THAT time period is now ANOTHER book of complaints. Reading it has inspired Steve and myself to try to write our own versions — me on my LJ and him on Google Drive — for at least 100 days (stretch goal being a whole year). We're thinking it would be neat to see if we can write for basically 100 straight days, and also we are interested in comparing our views on the day as well as our writing styles. We're gonna call it #couplecomplaints. So. Day 1.

Suddenly, I was awake*. This week has been insane with regards to waking up. The cuddles in bed have been too good, and I've been struggling HARD again to stay asleep at night. I notice that 5-7 times a night I'm just staring into the dark, awake. It's offered me more opportunities to rotate and snuggle Steve (or make him snuggle me), but in the morning it's hella frustrating to be so damn tired.

( Read more... )

You can find me on Dreamwidth as spritechan ^_^ I can't believe how crazy easy it was to import my entries and comments - I was panicking having flashbacks to copying my entries over from GreatestJournal after I had defected over there for several years.

Obvs I'll just be crossposting in the meantime, but HOLY HELL is it easy to transfer. Phew

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First off, I would like to say that I think either half the people answering the question are liars, or only the "good" ones are answering, because I know A LOT of people who snoop on their significant other. I even know a girl who didn't want her boyfriend talking with this one girl, so she'd go into his email and facebook and delete any messages or emails she'd send him.

I don't think that you should snoop on your partner, no. It causes a lot of issues. I've read some of Steve's texts before and he's done the same to me, but never out of suspicion or anger. I remember him saying something to me a few months ago like, "If you read my texts, whatever you do DON'T go into my drafts folder. It's where I keep my list of gift ideas for you." And I haven't, because I know it's true.

The interesting thing about him is how trusting he is. He's like the perfect person when it comes to showing resiliency. He discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend through their comments to each other on MySpace. Not messages, COMMENTS! Who knows what the hell they were messaging each other?! Most people would then be wary of the next social networking addict. But he's not. We're both very open about what we're doing. Anything we ask the other, we answer. Once I made a stupid drunken decision (something like, "HEYYY WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE LET'S EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERRRRS." I think. He might have asked me.) at a party with some douche, and when Steve asked who I was texting and I told him the story, he (rightfully, especially considering he's straight-edge and thinks drunk people are stupid) got angry with me. With no qualms I immediately texted the guy saying that we should no longer speak (he had been texting me a lot since the party, but only like one-word texts) because we had no reason to (which is true), and deleted the number out of my phone to show that I didn't mean any harm and it meant nothing to me. And all was well.

Now, I'm not perfect. I HAVE been snoopy before.

When I was with Dan, there was a serious lack of trust and we snooped on each other all the time (granted, we were together from the ages of 16-21, therefore started young). For me, I felt justified. I found lies everywhere I looked. One of the biggest lies was when I should have been smart and called it quits, but I'm a ninny. We were going to school four hours apart and he hadn't called me for a few days. I signed into his facebook to get a friend's phone number that he lived with, and being 18 and curious, I checked his messages. In there I found several between him and an ex, which hurt a lot because 1. He was NEVER close with his ex. They met in MEXICO on a mission trip, didn't live near each other, and didn't yet have licenses or cell phones and therefore rarely talked. 2. He went many stretches of time without any contact with me at all. The most recent one was dated the previous day, apologizing for not calling her back AFTER TALKING TO ME (when he'd always say he was tired and wanted to get off the phone, etc.). I confronted him; he outright lied about it, even after I told him I was staring directly at the message.

There were hints about him visiting her "again." When asked about this, he said she was referring to a long time ago and wanted to see him but he wouldn't. Of course, not believing him, I signed into MSN and started a conversation with her. To be fair, she sounded like she was only interested in hanging out and was totally open to talking to me, knowing who I was. What I learned from her was that he went to a different state to visit his friend and herself. That he drove like 6 hours to see them. When he couldn't be assed to even talk to me.

I was so mad that if he'd been present, I might have seriously scratched his eyes out. I was RAGING. We talked for like three hours as he tried to convince me to not break up with him. And eventually I relented. And then spent another 3 years of the same old shit. After we broke up but I continued to live with him for a time, a bunch more stuff I never knew about came trickling out of him. He thought it was funny, how much he lied to me.

I guess I have some issues after Dan, but I trust Steve. He's given me no reason to be suspicious of his behavior, so I treat him that way.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: Work
Current Music: Friends Season 10 Disc 1

( Opening with some lame TMI )

I finished my training yesterday, woooo! Now I have 6 hours down, and almost 10 more months to get the last 8, not to mention that it'll be cut even shorter if my class counts for hours too. I did a lot better in not getting incredibly anxious during the practice exerciese (how to escape from stirkes or grabs), and I talked a lot during the rest. I was singled out because I looked the youngest, and probably was the youngest, but Russ (the director) said he thought I looked 18 and used that in a de-escalation/empathy exercise. While I've miraculously never had my age negatively used in a mental health setting (same with my whiteness, don't know why), it came up a LOT when working in Nursing homes/assisted living.

Steve and I are going to try to start donating plasma. Pat is unemployed (and receives unemployment) and supplements his income with donating a couple times a week. Steve and I would be getting almost $200/week if we were each able to go twice a week. That would be amazingly helpful in paying off credit cards/loans/saving. When Dan and I desperately needed money in Grand Forks, I developed a complex and failed out because my heart rate kept speeding up. It didn't help that the machine only measure your pulse for 15 seconds and then multiplied it by 4, which is inaccurate. And they wouldn't manually measure my pulse. I start off faster when measuring my pulse than I end with. I promise you that my heart rate is not 120bpms. Promise. It's usually around 80-90. I just took it with my company's 15 second monitor and I came up with 122/81 with a pulse of 94. Bleh. Writing about it made me nervous again. As long as the pulse comes up under 100. Usually my blood pressure is about 110/70. I know because I've been to the doctor a lot >_< And I've NEVER been turned away when donating blood. My issue was always iron (interestingly, it's been both almost too low and almost too high), not my pulse. Q~! Wish me luck! Let's hope I don't freak out, because I'm terrified that I will. Which doesn't help. Never-ending cycle! (after a couple minutes I just retested and came up with 114/78, pulse 91. I can physically feel my body reacting when I get the cuff on. URGH. F U BODY). I'll probably request that I be sitting if they're testing while standing like the other place did, because first of all, that's the medically appropriate way to be taking it, and for two, it allows me to feel a little more relaxed.

All right, I really should get going on stuff I need to be doing!

Ending with a clip about responsibility from Hyperbole and a Half that completely and accurately describes me:

"What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking that I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. Since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt-spiral starts.

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it. The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination. It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility. It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP."

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: Work
Current Music: Friends Season 10 Disc 1

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: United States, Minnesota, Oakdale
Current Music: Steve and Nick playing Perfect Dark

After some careful thinking, and putting years between myself and when I needed to make my journal friends-only, I think I will tentatively make my entries public again. I won't go back and make my previous entries public, at least not at this time, but unless I see a reason to make an entry friends-only, I'll try this out and see how it goes.

Steve and I began Leah's Great Exodus today. Although I really feel like he did most of the work and I just sort of sat around deeming things "keep" or "throw." He was an amazing help and allowed me to part with a lot of stuff I don't need. It felt really good to get rid of so much stuff, because I am a very big pack rat. I need someone like him to help pry my pack rat fingers off of garbage I keep because I'm weird.

Speaking of weird, we ran into an interesting situation today. We had some music playing (it was very much in the afternoon so we thought it was okay) when someone started knocking on the door. I immediately became annoyed because I knew it was someone asking us to turn the music down. It was NOT that loud, I assure you. So I, being steadfastly mule-headed, made no move to answer the door. Steve turned down the music and answered it. This is the conversation that ensued:

Old Lady Who Lives Above Me (OLWLAM): "Oh! Uhh... hi! Are you... taking care... of Leah?"

Steve: "...what?" Him of course being a multiple-piercing, bandanna-wearing, disheveled young man. Yes, he IS my caretaker.

OLWLAM: "Oh I just heard Leah was really sick so..."

Steve: "Uhhh...?"

OLWLAM: "Well, anyway, that music is so loud I can't hear my TV (ME IN MY HEAD: Yeah well I can't sleep at night because your tv is on 24/7 and you never sleep and are always stomping around like a troll on the prowl), so could you please turn it down?"

Me, having now gotten up and walked to the door because Grim flipped out on Steve and hissed and ran away: *stare*

OLWLAM: "Oh! Are you Leah? I heard you were sick and moving out!"

Me: "I am moving out yes, but I am not sick."

OLWLAM: "Oh well someone told me that you were really sick and so I was just wondering... but anyway, the music is really loud."

Me: "Okay. I am not sick."

At this point Nero had run out of the door so we ended the conversation and retrieved him.

Okay. What. the hell! For almost the entire time I have been living at my apartment, I have only returned on average once a week to feed the cats, almost always after everyone normal in the world is asleep. I met that old lady ONE TIME right when I moved in. She introduced herself from her deck and I promptly forgot her name. I am not a neighbors person. I much prefer privacy but I am okay with the occasional smile and nod of acknowledgment. Anything beyond that is pushing it. How is it that, out of my HUGE 400-unit complex, there is actually GOSSIP going around about me dying of cancer or something? And people knowing me by name?? Who did she hear this from? The Mexican family of four living in the 1-bedroom to my right? Or the old man who lives above the old lady?!

Weird.

Anyway, Steve and I also walked the mile or so to the local Gamestop, not for purchasing purposes, but to get out and walk, and also to put our PokeWalkers to good use. Because we are nerds. It was very windy though, which made it pretty chilly. Otherwise it was pretty nice out. I can't wait for summer!

Finally, I think I'm going to postpone taking more classes until the fall. I realized a couple of days ago that my FAFSA is yet again not completed, and that it is not within my power to complete it. I can't afford to take more classes without continued loans, and I have no idea how loans would work for the summer. I also would like to continue to try to fight the administration about that "Pre-internship seminar" class they want me to take even though I completed my internship a year ago. The idea of enjoying my summer and finally being able to get a decent second job is much more appealing than stressing out about more classes. I'm not really in a huge hurry to graduate, next fall will be my 6th year in school, and I really wish I could take classes at my leisure as opposed to being required to be full-time status because of an insurance requirement. I've noticed I do much better taking 2 classes as opposed to 3. I've also decided to include my parents less on the things I do in my life. The cycle appears to be one in which I make a decision, relay it to my parents, they disagree with the decision and make me feel guilty and worthless, I probably continue with my original decision and we end up in some sort of feud. I am happier when they are kept on the edge of my radar as opposed to in the nucleus.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: United States, Minnesota, Oakdale
Current Music: Steve and Nick playing Perfect Dark