Some ramblings
Nov. 29th, 2018 08:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spritechanSo. As it becomes more and more obvious that teaching is probably not a long-term career for me, I've been trying to figure out what I'm interested in doing next. I've only occasionally given myself the illusion that I could do this for the length of a career. I try to be honest with myself when I can, and in being honest, I don't feel like staying in a job more than a few years is really my thing (and if I'm being TOTALLY honest, I think I don't have the attention span or stamina or something). I don't think it's simply a matter that teaching is hard. I'm not thinking about leaving because it's too hard. It IS too much, for sure. For everyone. It's bullshit the expectations of teachers - of which I'm not going to go into because I think we are all aware of the myriad of problems with the teaching profession (at least I sincerely HOPE you don't have your head in the sand about it) - and everyone gets tired of it eventually. But I find myself unhappy, run-down, tired. I have always burned out on my jobs, whether that's retail, mental health, data entry, anything! This is why I feel like I don't have the stamina. There might be an element of not being able to find the best fit (Ben, for example, LOVES the actual actuary job, but maybe not the climate, or the topic of health insurance), but what could really keep my attention forever?
I know that older generations could be wondering why it matters if I really love my job or not. That I should just suck it up and do it because of the benefits - health insurance, summers, pension. Personally I just don't comprehend how *anyone* could do the same thing for 10, 15, 25 years. I can't imagine that ever being the case for me. I think about Jenny Madden all the time. This is her like 28th year teaching. In SAINT! PAUL! how she has had the stamina for dealing with this shit. And she doesn't even have to!!!!! She can retire at ANY TIME and live comfortably for the rest of her life, and she could have retired YEARS ago. It actually boggles my mind. I want to not work at the earliest possible second.
Part of me thinks that I could continue working in schools, but more on the level like Tealie. Providing behavior support to students and teachers, but not being in a classroom teaching. I found a job posting in a nearby city that perfectly matches my skills and expertise with behavior, and I would have considered applying if I didn't need to finish out this year in order to get some of my loans forgiven. This type of job is a possibility for me because I would 100% not need to take work home with me, and I would still get to think on my feet and be adaptable, and the part I love best about teaching - the kids. Right now I don't have the space to connect with students the way I want to, because it feels like the academics need to take priority. I only really deal with teaching (which I enjoy teaching, but only in reinforcing concepts or small groups. I hate planning and developing) and with crises. No middle ground really. I would want to get a position that isn't a step down, like not just a behavior interventionist, more like on the adminstrative end; the higher ups. And I know for a fact you can be in an admin position right after being a teacher - Tealie did it, and so did a couple of teachers here in a couple roles. I think the expectation is to complete some sort of admin license (in most places), but the one job offer I found that was really good and matched me perfectly, it said that a Master's in SpEd qualifies so I wouldn't necessarily NEED more schooling (hopefully, because i'm absolutely not going add more to my student loans). Otherwise I really wish I could find a middle school-age teaching position that works only with small groups on reinforcing and practicing concepts instead of being the primary teacher. I don't think that exists. lol. Or maybe that's a para (other than the horrifyingly low pay for the effort that paras put in, the only other thing I didn't like about being a para was that I didn't have an equal say as the teacher).
And I don't really think it's a matter of my coworkers (the fact that I hate most of the 6th grade team and I don't feel connected to anyone here in particular). Like, it was really nice in some ways to feel so close to colleagues at Parkway and develop these continuing friendships after we've moved on, but in some ways I hated being close to people at Parkway. Lol. It meant I felt obligated to them or I was more sensitive to their criticism. But it also meant that I felt cared for and genuinely appreciated. I dunno. But I don't think going to a different school will change anything. The problems in education/teaching appear to just be consistent problems with the American (and actually, apparently, the Minnesotan) education system. Minnesota still doesn't use common core for math and I think our kdis are even more behind than most other states. Teachers who come here from out of state are appalled at how little our students know. I don't know what factors of the required instruction, poverty levels, immigrant levels, etc. affect it, but it's stressful.
Otherwise I've been really thinking hard about whether there's a way to work in food. Like, micro/urban farming. I'm really into local and organic produce, especially in such a difficult climate like mine. We have the U of MN and other local colleges that dedicate lots of time and effort into developing sustainable practices, and we also have people who've been living here for many generations invested in sustainable living, both white and not. We have a very large Hmong population, and while I don't think most of them are "certified" organic, anyone who's not a reseller typically doesn't appear to use chemicals. We have an indoor produce market in Hmong Village all year round, so obviously someone can do SOMEthing during our long, hard winters. I'm also very into cooking and making delicious food. Not in a restaurant or anything, just... in general. I love learning about food and cooking and think I might want to do something in that vein? My initial plan with that is to do some volunteering or interning this spring or summer locally so that I can learn more and see if anything is a good fit.
I think that Cafetalk - which I have all but abandoned* - wouldn't be a good fit because not only is it still teaching (prep, preparing, planning, creating), it's very individual teaching. I know that a lot of people on there basically teach on a script, and I tried to do that, but it's not in my blood. It's impossible for me not to see the individual needs and tailor instruction. It's like, I literally CAN'T one-size-fits-all my teaching. So I end up putting in a crazy amount of work the more students I get. So it's the same problems I have now with instructional teaching.
Of course, I'm super interested in knitting stuff and Steve asked me recently if I thought I'd start writing patterns. I don't think my brain works that way - I can do charts for images but I don't think I am risk-taking enough to deconstruct the process of making something from scratch. But just like many others, I would like to be my own boss in some capacity. I enjoy podcasts and all that kind of thing. I like writing blogs. However, I know it's an insane amount of work and I have cycles of motivation and depression (I assume all entrepreneurs do to some extent), I'm not like, a picture-taker or social media guru (nor do I have interest in being a promoter/Youtuber/personality). So I don't even know if there's anything in the "entrepreneurial" arena, but it's something that's kind of always in the back of my mind. Right now I'm coming up with nothing with regards to what I could "sell" or "market" but I'm also at work and haven't had a lot of time for thinking. I'm also super curious about those jobs no one thinks about. Kind of a la Dirty jobs, without the extreme dirtiness of it. Like I just listened to a podcast recently where they had a guest who randomly decided to get into the sheep-shearing industry, and how it was nothing like she thought it was but people are super needed. Stuff like that. It's knitting related because wool. I'm realllly on an "old-world, natural" kind of kick. Getting back to the roots, the traditional or hands-on means of production.
And Steve too, he's dealing with dissatisfaction with his job as well. I feel bad because I think I'm just generally more vocal and articulate about my needs and issues, and I have a history of jumping from job to job, so I think maybe he tries to suppress his own struggles or has difficulty talking about them because we're often dealing with my changing needs. It's not working for the U as far as I know; I think it's the type of job. He doesn't like to manage people at all, and that's what a lot of his job is - being a middle man, reminding people to do their jobs, reporting on people who AREN'T doing their jobs, and giving presentations and getting feedback. I think he'd much prefer to just work with applications and do analysis. Analyzing things - spreadsheets and data - and making processes more efficient are his specialties. He's not competitive in the workplace and he doesn't like office gossip and venting. So he wants to try to figure out where he should go next. The good news for him is that he currently has a job with a university that will literally allow for him to take a new program, free of charge. And if he can get another bachelor's (if that's the path he chooses) and stick it out a bit longer, he can get a Master's at a super discounted rate. I think he'd be happy going back to school because he loves learning and getting new info. But I don't know if he has a real idea of WHAT he'd like to do. And he didn't go to a traditional university for his undergrad so it'd be a pretty different experience for him. I think if he can get used to the fact that he's now the Old Guy on campus in his classes, that he'll have a good time once he decides on something. I miss seeing the passion on his face and the excitement from taking on new challenges.
*whoops. A couple of my students took some time off and so I did too, and then anxiety first rpevented me from going back and then it's like, I've been really busy most weekends (when my lessons typically are) and so it's not been very feasible to try to open up any lessons. I feel bad, especially because I'd been working with Riria for 3 years and Shinpei for more than one year, but I don't think I can do it right now. Mental health, time, and all.
I know that older generations could be wondering why it matters if I really love my job or not. That I should just suck it up and do it because of the benefits - health insurance, summers, pension. Personally I just don't comprehend how *anyone* could do the same thing for 10, 15, 25 years. I can't imagine that ever being the case for me. I think about Jenny Madden all the time. This is her like 28th year teaching. In SAINT! PAUL! how she has had the stamina for dealing with this shit. And she doesn't even have to!!!!! She can retire at ANY TIME and live comfortably for the rest of her life, and she could have retired YEARS ago. It actually boggles my mind. I want to not work at the earliest possible second.
Part of me thinks that I could continue working in schools, but more on the level like Tealie. Providing behavior support to students and teachers, but not being in a classroom teaching. I found a job posting in a nearby city that perfectly matches my skills and expertise with behavior, and I would have considered applying if I didn't need to finish out this year in order to get some of my loans forgiven. This type of job is a possibility for me because I would 100% not need to take work home with me, and I would still get to think on my feet and be adaptable, and the part I love best about teaching - the kids. Right now I don't have the space to connect with students the way I want to, because it feels like the academics need to take priority. I only really deal with teaching (which I enjoy teaching, but only in reinforcing concepts or small groups. I hate planning and developing) and with crises. No middle ground really. I would want to get a position that isn't a step down, like not just a behavior interventionist, more like on the adminstrative end; the higher ups. And I know for a fact you can be in an admin position right after being a teacher - Tealie did it, and so did a couple of teachers here in a couple roles. I think the expectation is to complete some sort of admin license (in most places), but the one job offer I found that was really good and matched me perfectly, it said that a Master's in SpEd qualifies so I wouldn't necessarily NEED more schooling (hopefully, because i'm absolutely not going add more to my student loans). Otherwise I really wish I could find a middle school-age teaching position that works only with small groups on reinforcing and practicing concepts instead of being the primary teacher. I don't think that exists. lol. Or maybe that's a para (other than the horrifyingly low pay for the effort that paras put in, the only other thing I didn't like about being a para was that I didn't have an equal say as the teacher).
And I don't really think it's a matter of my coworkers (the fact that I hate most of the 6th grade team and I don't feel connected to anyone here in particular). Like, it was really nice in some ways to feel so close to colleagues at Parkway and develop these continuing friendships after we've moved on, but in some ways I hated being close to people at Parkway. Lol. It meant I felt obligated to them or I was more sensitive to their criticism. But it also meant that I felt cared for and genuinely appreciated. I dunno. But I don't think going to a different school will change anything. The problems in education/teaching appear to just be consistent problems with the American (and actually, apparently, the Minnesotan) education system. Minnesota still doesn't use common core for math and I think our kdis are even more behind than most other states. Teachers who come here from out of state are appalled at how little our students know. I don't know what factors of the required instruction, poverty levels, immigrant levels, etc. affect it, but it's stressful.
Otherwise I've been really thinking hard about whether there's a way to work in food. Like, micro/urban farming. I'm really into local and organic produce, especially in such a difficult climate like mine. We have the U of MN and other local colleges that dedicate lots of time and effort into developing sustainable practices, and we also have people who've been living here for many generations invested in sustainable living, both white and not. We have a very large Hmong population, and while I don't think most of them are "certified" organic, anyone who's not a reseller typically doesn't appear to use chemicals. We have an indoor produce market in Hmong Village all year round, so obviously someone can do SOMEthing during our long, hard winters. I'm also very into cooking and making delicious food. Not in a restaurant or anything, just... in general. I love learning about food and cooking and think I might want to do something in that vein? My initial plan with that is to do some volunteering or interning this spring or summer locally so that I can learn more and see if anything is a good fit.
I think that Cafetalk - which I have all but abandoned* - wouldn't be a good fit because not only is it still teaching (prep, preparing, planning, creating), it's very individual teaching. I know that a lot of people on there basically teach on a script, and I tried to do that, but it's not in my blood. It's impossible for me not to see the individual needs and tailor instruction. It's like, I literally CAN'T one-size-fits-all my teaching. So I end up putting in a crazy amount of work the more students I get. So it's the same problems I have now with instructional teaching.
Of course, I'm super interested in knitting stuff and Steve asked me recently if I thought I'd start writing patterns. I don't think my brain works that way - I can do charts for images but I don't think I am risk-taking enough to deconstruct the process of making something from scratch. But just like many others, I would like to be my own boss in some capacity. I enjoy podcasts and all that kind of thing. I like writing blogs. However, I know it's an insane amount of work and I have cycles of motivation and depression (I assume all entrepreneurs do to some extent), I'm not like, a picture-taker or social media guru (nor do I have interest in being a promoter/Youtuber/personality). So I don't even know if there's anything in the "entrepreneurial" arena, but it's something that's kind of always in the back of my mind. Right now I'm coming up with nothing with regards to what I could "sell" or "market" but I'm also at work and haven't had a lot of time for thinking. I'm also super curious about those jobs no one thinks about. Kind of a la Dirty jobs, without the extreme dirtiness of it. Like I just listened to a podcast recently where they had a guest who randomly decided to get into the sheep-shearing industry, and how it was nothing like she thought it was but people are super needed. Stuff like that. It's knitting related because wool. I'm realllly on an "old-world, natural" kind of kick. Getting back to the roots, the traditional or hands-on means of production.
And Steve too, he's dealing with dissatisfaction with his job as well. I feel bad because I think I'm just generally more vocal and articulate about my needs and issues, and I have a history of jumping from job to job, so I think maybe he tries to suppress his own struggles or has difficulty talking about them because we're often dealing with my changing needs. It's not working for the U as far as I know; I think it's the type of job. He doesn't like to manage people at all, and that's what a lot of his job is - being a middle man, reminding people to do their jobs, reporting on people who AREN'T doing their jobs, and giving presentations and getting feedback. I think he'd much prefer to just work with applications and do analysis. Analyzing things - spreadsheets and data - and making processes more efficient are his specialties. He's not competitive in the workplace and he doesn't like office gossip and venting. So he wants to try to figure out where he should go next. The good news for him is that he currently has a job with a university that will literally allow for him to take a new program, free of charge. And if he can get another bachelor's (if that's the path he chooses) and stick it out a bit longer, he can get a Master's at a super discounted rate. I think he'd be happy going back to school because he loves learning and getting new info. But I don't know if he has a real idea of WHAT he'd like to do. And he didn't go to a traditional university for his undergrad so it'd be a pretty different experience for him. I think if he can get used to the fact that he's now the Old Guy on campus in his classes, that he'll have a good time once he decides on something. I miss seeing the passion on his face and the excitement from taking on new challenges.
*whoops. A couple of my students took some time off and so I did too, and then anxiety first rpevented me from going back and then it's like, I've been really busy most weekends (when my lessons typically are) and so it's not been very feasible to try to open up any lessons. I feel bad, especially because I'd been working with Riria for 3 years and Shinpei for more than one year, but I don't think I can do it right now. Mental health, time, and all.
