Writer's Block: Ice cream isn't cutting it

[spritechan]

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I think it really depends on how the break-up ended, and why. A dumper can be just as heartbroken as a dumpee in some cases. More often than not though, by the time a break-up happens, one person has already moved at least partially away from the relationship.

Personally, whether I've been the dumper or dumpee, I've never made a conscious decision to "stay single" or "date." It just happens if it happens! Which means, more often than not, I met a lot of people, guys and girls. If you're still in love with the person, in a way that means you are still hoping to get back together with them, you probably shouldn't date. You only look like an ass to people who try to date you. In that case, you should work toward coming to terms with those feelings and decide whether to move on or reconcile. If you've accepted the break up and plan to move on, I've found that moving on is easier when there's someone there (helloooo rebound!).

My ex refuses to have a rebound (or date, apparently), and we've been broken up over a year and a half (after having dated 5 years). He is unhappy, lonely, and holding onto the past. He's almost 24! He thinks his love life is over. Whereas I had a month-long rebound, and then moved on to a serious relationship (been together since May 2009), and I couldn't be happier.

So... which way is better?

Comments

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

I think the concept of the "rebound" is interesting, and a little odd. It's like saying, "the only real relationship you have is the first one, after that, everyone is just a rebound of the one before..." That is ridiculous. I think a lot of the mythology of dating is based oddly around the idea that you won't have multiple dating partners (let's not even talk about sex partners here, which we know is an issue in our world, particularly with females).

Such as the strange phrase, "I've been hurt before" used in any sort of serious tone. Oh? You've dated more than one person? Okay, then you've been HURT BEFORE, haven't you? All of us who have dated, even once, who are not currently dating that person, have been hurt before. How can that possibly be used as an excuse, if everyone has it? Including the person you're saying it to? ('Cause let's face it--even if you haven't dated, if you've ever even liked someone before, you've pretty much been 'hurt before.')

So, to add to your point about it depending on the break-up, and realizing that not only is the "dumper" as likely to be upset as the "dumpee" but that even the acknowledgment that breakups don't just happen for no reason that both partners were completely unaware of, I would suggest that it depends on how "done" the person is with the relationship. If you're still trying to hold onto the ragged edges of what it used to be, then yeah, you need some time alone. If you can't remember who you used to be when you weren't with the person, then you need some time alone. But...if you were the person with the foot out the door, the one who was done with the relationship while it was still going on, why wait? You knew that it wasn't what you wanted. Time to go find what it is you do want! YAH!

[vixenofflames.livejournal.com]

Haha exactly! Honestly, I use the phrase "rebound" for lack of a better term, and it's easy to use because most people understand rebound to mean "a non-serious relationship after a break-up to help get over my ex."

For example, I had been broken up with Dan, in my book, for almost a year. But, I was doing the dance with him and acting relationship-y when it suited me as well. Especially because I was living with him still at the time (though we slept on separate floors). When I found Bryce, Dan at the same time was a major DUA (Dick Up Ass) about me hanging out with my friends (esp if that included boys) so I broke up with him FOR GOOD THIS TIME and used Bryce as an excuse to not only never be home, but not even be within 40 miles of that home. Every single day for a month. I mean, halfway through it Dan got the picture and kicked me out, but that's neither here nor there.

Because I was having so much fun and realizing how great life can be, it really helped finally give me the strength to give that up. The hardest thing for me was giving up a great friend. Which he was - we are very alike and I enjoyed him a lot when we were being companions. However, I am not 90 and have not given up on my sexual desires in a relationship. Seeing that there really is more to life and that I could have it is what makes me in favor of "the rebound." I knew that it wasn't going to last, but I didn't know that I would start dating and then fall in love with Steve. That was just a bonus!

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

Yeah--my understanding of a rebound is that person that you're just using to put another body between you and your ex. And hey, I can't say anything against it really. Sometimes what you really need is just that person that you kinda dig (but know you don't want permanently) that you can date long enough so that the last person you dated wasn't the ex that really fucked you up.

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA DUA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!)

I really don't understand what the big issue amongst folk who date but won't date someone if it "won't last." Psh. Who cares? You can't know if something will last, no matter what you think. Even if you think you can get along for the next 100 years, it means diddly squat if they're killed in an accident after three weeks. You may not be able to keep anyone that you want, for one reason or another. So, why not enjoy the people you can, when you can? And when it's over...well. Move along.

But maybe that's my inner free love raw food vegan environmentalist hippie talking.

[vixenofflames.livejournal.com]

So true! It's like you need a fun "date break" where the relationship is lighthearted. Bryce and I got pretty deep sometimes, but it has since been proved that's just something we can do. For the most part, though, it was just silly fun. I wrote this in my "secret" journal (aka sex journal/hide things from snoopy Dan journal), like the day after I met him, "I love new things. Oh so much. But as I've told the girls, I don't expect us to start like dating or anything - in an exclusive and/or serious kind of way, because he's probably really melodramatic in real life and just too much for me to handle. But! I'm judging before I know, and I'm determined to just have fun. He also invited me to do fun things with him and his friends this weekend :)"

I was right, by the way. About being a melodramatic girl. Hoooooly crap.

I wish I could take credit for DUA, but Bethany invented it a couple years ago. Our whole family uses it baahahaha.

[vixenofflames.livejournal.com]

Oh and the best part about DUA is that Bethany doesn't discriminate - that is, it can also be used in the positive. We were texting about our aunt, and how she's like in love with our uncle's (her brother's) new GF - "Oh yeah Connie has a MAJOR DUA about Alli. Probably because she's pregnant and not Tracy." XD

[vixenofflames.livejournal.com]

Haha that's true. Probably because my ex IS the immature emo. Even if he doesn't look emo. He hides it well to outsiders under a facade of blonde hair and sarcasm ;)