spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa nap)
I don't feel like doing my 30-day thingy today. Will resume tomorrow

I've been in a rut lately, and it's the annoying kind of rut. Not the kind where I just sleep all the time, but the kind where things irritate me more easily than normal, and I'm snappish. I don't like it. I'm also back to 130 pounds D: I feel gross and all my pants are tight and everything is just frowny.

But! Good news? I GOT THAT JOBBBBB. Woo. I'd be far more ZOMG YES SQUEE BEST THING EVAR if I wasn't so pants-shitting nervous about all the responsibility I accepted, and my selfish crybabying about Steve and I going back to opposite schedules. That means only two more weeks of cleaning and sitting around doing nothing though! I really can't wait. Mom was very insistent on letting me know how Paul was all gushing to her about it, which was cute. My auntie Connie also sent me a bunch of kind words and good vibes via Facebook because her phone won't text me (lol, or her daughter. Two of the people she texts most!). I love her to death! She's the best.

The job has 18 days of vacation time, 9 holidays off, I'm salaried (at least they gave me the impression that I am), and they offered me the highest pay they could. Looking at statistics online, it would appear that I make around the 77th percentile for a Case Manager. Which is likely true, because I passed up a LOT of great-looking jobs based on the fact that they pay equal to or even often LESS than what I make as a glorified janitor. Sooo... woo! A few thousand more dollars per year won't hurt me, and I think I got lucky because I have a variety of experience but very little targeted experience, and basically NO experience in making connections with resources (ahhhhh!). Like I said, 9 times out of 10, if I get the interview, I get the job.

INTERJECTION RANT: Skateville hasn't returned my calls and I haven't gotten my amended tax form (it's been a month), so I STILL can't file for my tax return yet  >:[


This weekend we went to my sister's new place. It's really nice. Three-bedroom, shared with her best friend (and her boyfriend and her son) and her own family. The boys share a room, Sarah and Chris get a room, and Bethany and Tony get the biggest room. Sarah and Chris's bed is exactly what Steve and I are probably going to get (framewise, I already have the bed itself).  Here's kinda what we're looking for, but much less swanky. I LOVE the style of bed where the mattress is recessed into the frame. It's cute and compact, and prevents the cats from climbing under the bed. Sarah said they got theirs from Ikea (and that it was pretty cheap), but Ikea's website is complete crap so I can't show you.

It was Sarah's boy Tristan's birthday, so it was a good excuse to check out the new digs and get free homemade egg rolls from Chris's mom, Summai. XD She makes like a billion egg rolls for every huge occasion and they are YUMMY. Tony said he was interested in seeing OUR place. I assured him we went the money-saving route and our apartment is not nearly as nice-looking as theirs. Because it's not. It's gonna be cute!

At 10am Steve and I are signing our lease!!! SOOOO excited for that. I have all these plans for food and spices and jars to store things in instead of plastic baggies and painting and book shelves and game shelves and the cat tower! Oh, so excited. Speaking of the cats, I've switched them AGAIN foodwise. I discovered that Nero just licks the juice from the wet food and leaves the rest to get crumbly and dry, and Grim still prefers the dry food overall. So! I spent like a half hour at the store, reading ALL the labels on the dry food, and finally selected a food that had gross things like corn meal or brewer's rice as far down in the ingredients as I could get without breaking the bank. I can't remember what brand it was, probably PurinaOne, but it was a special type that only comes in smaller bags and has turkey as its first ingredient, and some other meat as the second. I was going to completely wean them over a week, but Grim went crazy immediately for it and is actually AVOIDING the food he's been so set on for the last... his whole life! Yay!

I opened an ArtFire account. Only the basic account until I see if my items sell. I only have two things up on there right now, just experiments I made yesterday. You can check them out here. They're not anything great, but I wanted to at least get SOMETHING up on there. I'm starting a pillow tonight, my first attempt at double knitting (not to be confused with duplicate stitch)! Yayyyy knitting! Yay being crafty!

Okay, must stop futzing on computer. O_O
spritechan: (TTGL - Nia hug Simone cute)
Bento goodness!! )

In other, sane news, Joe Waid's birthday is tomorrow so we're throwing him his birthday fun at midnight. Because Pat works days now, Steve and I work nights, Nick works evenings, Nikki has a life at his college, and Faith goes to school a couple hours away, and Joe Waid works weekends, it's been hard trying to plan it! I think Steve and Pat have most of the kinks worked out for what we're going to have him do (in my friends group it's usually a "work for your presents through challenges or scavenger hunts" type deal), and I came up with the cake idea (and Pat said he's on board as long as he gets to get all cranky and bossy and likely take the whole thing over in order to make it perfect). I finished his scarf ) yesterday, though I have one major mistake I need to fix. It's an easy fix; I was just being careless in the duplicate stitching. The symbol especially looks good in person and I'm proud of that chart ^_^ Joe Waid's a really hard person to shop for, and Pat's already said how jealous he is that Joe Waid gets a scarf and that it's obviously going to be the best gift :P What I felt like was a near cop-out is apparently quite popular.

I got to chat with my sister for awhile yesterday, and that was fun. It served to remind me I need to find weekend time to visit her. Whenever I bring it up, she always tells me when the next time she's bringing Cayden over to our parents' house, which I find odd. I don't need to go home to see my nephew, and I almost prefer our quiet time to big family hullabaloo. Anyway, she just wanted to vent while she smoked (she's like me and gets bored when doing menial things and likes to make phone calls) about how she feels like she's not getting any support for getting an apartment and applying to school and getting her GED and working full-time, and in fact said that our parents discouraged her from going to school right now. Bethany says it's the perfect time to go to school because Tony can afford to not work (vs paying more for a daycare that money Tony made from a job wouldn't be worth), and she can support the three of them on her job at Mystic Lake Casino. She obviously doesn't want to be a server forever, so she wants to at least get an Associate's. It's always so hilarious to me when she talks about Paul's "mental issues", or as I call them, "a failure to realize that the parent-child roles change when the kids are adults, living on their own, and having children."

We also talked a bit about death and I gave her the rundown on Pam's dad's funeral. She brought up Paul's dad again, because she recently found out he'd been given 6 months to live - 6 months ago. And he quit chemo (I don't blame him). He has lung cancer; I'm pretty sure he knows what that means for him no matter what he does. So now Bethany is kinda expecting to hear every day that he's died, because of the length of time he was given (the same sentence was given to Bre's grandma, who lived like 4 more years, but she had liver cancer and therefore could do surgeries and she smoked weed ["just a couple puffs"] to keep her appetite up and her pain down). When Bethany and I were listing in what order we thought we'd lose our like 50 grandparents (okay, like 8), Ron hadn't been high on the list. It's just weird. He's only 65.

This THEN led to her talking about her opinions on food consumption after re-watching "Food Matters" (it's instant on Netflix, btw) and how she really believes food does affect your body and cause cancer and that you SHOULD eat healthy and mostly raw, etc.  She commented on her recent gallbladder issues - they offered to take her gallbladder out because it's coated in sludge right now, assumed to be from energy drinks. She said no, and told me that, "It's my fault it is this way. Removing it would be the easy way out so I should try to fix it on my own first!" And then she said, "And of course after I watch it then I go through BK drive-thru but whatever!" XD I actually think half of it is her fear of pain and doctors and needles.

But anyway, she said she can't talk to anyone about her food opinions because they don't agree with her. What she means to say is they're ignorant, or don't care. Our parents tout healthiness, but I'm not sure how much they follow these days. They're incredibly elitist about food that anyone else consumes, though. Steve made fun of me hardcore the other day for throwing a miniature fit when the store didn't have the yogurt I wanted. All the brands that were there had sugar added or were made from just milk (no live cultures)! No! But he's so right, I DID sound like my parents. It was really funny. And I don't even care!

It's interesting this comes up for her right when I'm about to start seriously trying to lead a good healthy life, without being limiting or dieting. I'm already about halfway there, with the high fruit and veggie consumption, low meat intake, attempts to balance protein and fat, but I need more.
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)
So, yesterday in class was incredibly long. We had 8 presenters at 10-20 minutes each. We get to the last presenter, and she goes up and pulls the wrong presentation up on accident. It looked like a draft she did. She didn't know until like the 3rd slide that this was her practice PowerPoint. She was obviously not very adept at computers, and seemed confused as to how to bring up the correct one. The professor told her that she couldn't stop her presentation. It was quiet, like wtf. She was just like, "Uhhh, well I can stop if you want, but this is the WRONG presentation." A peer jumped up and quick helped her pull up the right PP. Whew, crisis averted. We thought.

The professor is a rude bitch. One of those women who looks over her half-spectacles at you like you're completely dumb, who always speaks with an air of superiority, and generally makes you feel like you're an inch tall. In my "suggestion" section of my eval for her, I gave her this list:

1. Don't assign busy work (it's a senior level capstone ffs)
2. Please be respectful. Don't treat your students like children - you're quite rude at times
3. We already did an internship, our major presentations shouldn't be on an agency
4. Only discuss assignments relavent to the particular class or the next one (she had a horrible habit of confusing the class by talking about an assignment due in a month, not even a big assignment, just one due at a far later date. This happened nearly every class and freaked a lot of people out so they thought things were due when they weren't for weeks)
5. Don't belittle students if they must leave class early or not come at all, and then cancel class as it suits your convenience (she did this a few times to attend out-of-state conferences - or so she says. I must point out that we only had class once a week so "a few times" adds up.)

Something like that. More concise I think, but those were the main ideas. I'd like to remind you that the average age of a student at my school is in their 30's. Very few fresh-out-of-hs kids.

So, back to the woman who was presenting. The professor interrupted her a couple times to tell her she was "wrong" about stuff, and she lost it. Clicked to the end of her presentation, said she was done, and started packing up her stuff. At this point we all felt bad for her and quick wrote on her evaluation how we were sorry the prof was so rude and threw them at her. She finished packing her stuff in a rage, and we all sort of looked around uncomfortably. Then, when she was walking out the door, she said something like, "You have a fucking attitude problem" to the professor, who shot back in her best oh-no-you-di'n't black lady voice, "You better watch yourself!" and the woman in HER best pissed off black lady voice, basically repeated how rude the professor was, who ALSO basically repeated her first statement. This would have been a sociologically amusing situation, because most of us were pointedly looking at our tables, or at their work. I imagine some were staring at the two in shock, gauging their facial expressions. I was a table-watcher, because I know what it's like to be in that woman's position, being filled with a helpless blind rage that makes you blurt out like a child because you gotta do SOMETHING. I respectfully didn't look at her because I wouldn't have wanted anyone looking at ME when I was having a public tantrum. It was even more awkward because there were only 15 students in the class and it was a small room. The tension was THICK.

Everyone left class whispering about the awkwardness of the situation. A guy came up to me and Ana and was like, "Whoa, that was INTENSE!" All Ana (classic Ana) had to say was, "Well I felt bad for her but that was so stupid because her stuff hasn't been graded yet!!!" Ah, yes, the professor wields the Grading Sword.

I called Mom on the way home to let her know I finally was done, and she HAD to let me know that Paul is butthurt because I only had two tickets to my graduation and didn't tell him he was guaranteed one. All I ever said was that I wasn't playing the game. He's all DUA because he contributed financially to college and they got me the apartment when I wasn't old enough for the dorms (THEY insisted) yadda yadda yadda. He's DAMN lucky he wasn't on the phone, because I would have told him that I would trade all the money in the world to just have had his emotional backing when I needed it most. FOR REAL. I just told Mom that that sucks for him that he read into my words and thought I was choosing my father over him. I never said anything either way, just gave them the facts.

His whole "blood means nothing, proof is in the actions" argument became bullshit when he admitted he probably loves August more than Bethany or me because he's BLOOD, and that his parents didn't do shit for him yet he still puts them on a pedastal. And that after 14 years he still hides behind BULLSHIT stepparenting literature that he uses as an excuse when things go wrong. At least my father has never called me names in my life, has never told me I was dirty and worthless. I'd trade my college education if he could take that shit back. THAT is why I didn't guarantee him the ticket. I lose sleep over this bullshit all the time. I am SO MAD. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was fighting with him in my head again. Most of my dreams are about fighting with him or Bethany. Ugh. I can see this exploding. It's just building and building.

Minor rant: I activated my dormant checking account and am going to move my monies over there because he slipped and accidentally admitted he still watches my bank account. Ass. GTFO now. I have one account connected to my Mom's account, which is also his account, from when I was a teenager and the bank required an adult to be a part of it. I have to close it completely to keep them from seeing stuff, and I have a TON of accounts online linked to it, including work, so I'm going to leave it open to pay bills and just keep everything else in my other one.

Bethany has been ultra cute lately and asking me all these questions about college, because she wants to go for Nursing or MA as long as it's an Associate's. Even though she's terrified of needles and talking about them makes her queasy, lol. But she's been texting and calling to vent and doing research using me and it's all very adorable. I like that.
spritechan: (Default)
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Bahhh. Bahahaha! Oh did they!

Just kidding. Overall I think I was raised pretty well; it's in raising me to be independent and think for myself that got them into trouble. My stepdad especially was not prepared for me to challenge him on anything when I became an adult. We've been in this limbo where if I do something wrong, I'm not acting like an "adult." However, if I stand up to him in any way, he tries to force me into a child's role, because that's where he's comfortable.

Looking at my actual childhood. Hmm. I suppose things I considered normal in my family, aren't? That's a stupid statement anyway because every family is different, but looking back I think I was punished far more harshly than I deserved. I didn't get nearly as much slack as my siblings (I'm the oldest), and I spent a good deal of my childhood grounded and in my room for minor infractions, including but not limited to:

-being up past my bedtime
-not getting all A's
-as a teenager, coming home more than 5 minutes past curfew
-not having chores done by 6pm
-self-injurous behavior
-hanging out with people after school without getting permission first (this all through my school years, even as a teenager)
-getting kicked out and then not coming home when demanded to

Eh. I'm whining now, but I definitely feel as if I was treated unfairly, especially when compared to my sister. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister more than life. And she got into worse situations than I did. There were a few times where things got physical with my mom and stepdad, but it was limited to pushing and the occasional belly bop. Bethany got into apparent fist fights with them (this was after I moved to Duluth), would leave for days at a time, and stopped going to school at 15.

My little brother though, I think in some ways he has it better than the two of us did, and some ways definitely worse. They give him a lot of attention and opportunities that they couldn't afford when I was growing up, such as piano lessons, multiple sports (and multiple teams at the same time if it's baseball - and youth sports is NOT cheap), they go to many events together and attend all of his games (and Paul coaches his football team). He has video game systems and his own tv, a decent bed, and actually gets to have friends over (I only got to have friends over on birthdays, and only 2 max). On the other hand, Paul is extremely hard on him about his weight as Paul is overweight and doesn't want August to turn out the same way. He gets bullied for getting dessert as well as how much or what he eats. Shit, let him be a kid! He's 12! They're hard on him about school too, but he's just starting to get into real school - he's in 6th grade.
We all got tons of shit for who we were friends with. My parents think they get to judge and criticize our friend choices, and apparently the best way to help you choose the "right" crowd is through bitching whenever whatever disapproved of friendship comes up. I hung out with burnouts, true, but I didn't do any drugs or drink until I was 20. I also am a more accepting and less judgmental person than they are, so I hung out with anyone I felt like as long as they're not assholes. When they became assholes, I stopped hanging out with them. Unfortunately, I think my parents took those as personal victories and meant that their bullying was effective. Bethany hung out with people they didn't like just to spite them, and people like Sarah turned out to be good. August is so young, and I really feel for him, having Paul breathing fire down his neck for hanging out with jerks. All boys are jerks at that age. He's popular; let him be. It'll work itself out.

The other biggest mistakes they made with me were:
1. The way they handled my self injurious behavior as a teen
2. The way they handled when I was sexually assaulted
The latter of the two however was as an adult and has had long-lasting effects on my day-to-day life and thinking, and it's been 2 years this month. I think that they consider it a closed case and have dusted their hands of the matter, but it deeply affects me regularly and has permanently damaged our relationship (moreso with my stepdad). I feel like a broken record, because I think about it so much it's almost as if I talk about it a lot too. I don't THINK I do, but it does relate to a lot of things in my present life. I've tried a few times to bring it up again for closure purposes, or to try again to get my point across (and ask a few questions to discover motives for why they/he behaved in such a manner - such as the name-calling, blaming, and breaking into my LJ to find out who I'm sleeping with wtf and demanding to know if I slept with Gleb wth do either of those have to do with anything?), but it always turns into near-immediate yelling on Paul's part and trying to say I'm holding a grudge and want to make sure he's never absolved of his mistakes, etc. etc. instead of just listening to me.  

As for my biological dad and stepmom, they were great. The biggest problems really were between them. They let us work most things out on our own, and while Pam is overprotective (and we were naive), we got incredible freedom that we rarely abused. Some of my fondest memories are with my sister and stepbrothers at the house in Columbia Heights. I suppose then they messed up in being too permissive, but honestly, with three highly rebellious boys, I don't see that it could have been done differently. They're all living with their choices, and not doing worse than any other average Joe. I can only think of one or two real times that my dad felt like punishing me, and it was a joke punishment, and he was just trying to show that he was the one in charge. Unlike my mom and stepdad, he was a Threatener, so I have no negative memories of him physically hurting me. I was spanked all the time by the other two. Mostly we just argued about politics :D

In sum, I turned out pretty well, I'd say. I'm not a drug addict, I rarely drink, I'm graduating college (and it only took me so long because I wasn't afraid to change majors, and because I made a few poor choices when depressed), have a Real Job, haven't lived at home in years, and am in a healthy, wonderful relationship. The effects of the way I was raised... I think I'm a little neurotic in some ways and I get stressed easily, but I also developed a wonderful sense of pride in things that I do without taking myself too seriously. I also recently developed an optimism to counteract the pessimism I had to be around. In order to balance the judgmental nature of my parents (though they always TAUGHT me not to judge. Do as I say not as I do!) I am much less judgmental than they are. Maybe they worsened with age, maybe I just never noticed. I realized my parents aren't all-knowing. I have an extremely high level of disclosure because I don't like to lie and they asked a lot of questions growing up. I'm intelligent, have a good sense of humor, and understand responsibility. No parents are perfect, you just have to try to screw up your kid less than the next guy.

spritechan: (Theory is you're all drunk or morons)
I had a conversation with Dad today (not the bio one, natch). He told me he would not fill out my FAFSA unless I fulfilled two conditions:
1. I gave him the amount of money that is on my credit card, and
2. I would only accept the minimum amount offered by the loan people when they gave me my loan offer.

No, thank you, I will not bend to your control-freak will. I calmly told him that I was in charge of my own life. He spent about a half-hour telling me that I have no idea what I'm getting into and that I'm pretty much going to go under when I graduate from all my debt. I am confused about this situation because total I will have about $10,000 taken out in loans when I graduate, not even a full year's worth for most of my peers, who have incurred about 4 years of debt to my going-to-be one and a half. I can't imagine how my peers will survive if I am going to die when I finish school!!! As for my credit card, I only have one, I have less than $1500 as a limit, and as soon as I'm fully out of my apartment I plan on paying it back down to zero. My lack of flipping out is apparently a telltale sign of my lack of understanding of the enormity of the situation. I let him talk down to me for awhile, while trying to keep him at bay when I could, choosing mostly to be complacent.

I had a major flashback to Roy (bio dad) when he suddenly said, with no segue, "How come you never invite ME to lunch? Why only your mom?!"

Okay people, I would like to ask everyone who deals with me to please bring their issues with me up front. I HATE when people hold things in like that and bring them up randomly after picking a fight. Interestingly, Roy and I were fighting about $200 I needed for books for the 2008 school year when he suddenly burst out, "Why wasn't I invited to your graduation?!" (he was, he just forgot when it was and missed it). SO you can see where I find the similarity.

Honestly I don't know why he would want to have lunch with me anyway. Wouldn't it just be awkward? He feels left out, clearly, and I totally get that. However, after our falling out a year and a half ago we just don't really get along. He disagrees nearly completely with the way I'm living my life, though I really don't know why, and we both have distorted images of who the other is because of the climax of the events leading to our falling out. I doubt we'd be having long heart-to-hearts over his hour break. And he works a lot farther away than Mom does. I honestly didn't think about it, because I didn't know we were friends.

Bottom line, really: I need to figure out how to apply for loans without having a completed FAFSA. I wouldn't be receiving any aid anyway because my parents make too much. There has to be a way I can do this on my own. My parents didn't co-sign for my loan, so hopefully it'll be just as easy for next year. I feel more and more that my decision to wait on school until fall is a good idea. Otherwise, if I can't do anything about my schooling because he won't fill out the FAFSA, I might be able to get my bio dad to, and since I'm losing insurance when I turn 23 in November anyway, I am okay putting school off until I can afford it on my own.

April 2017

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