30-Day Challenge: Day 9

[spritechan]

Day 9 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.



This one was almost painful to think about. Both of my parents were there for me a lot, but this entry is more for Paul, my stepdad. I needed to post a picture pre-fall 2008 (this pic was winter 2006), and this was the only nice one I could find on the computer. I would have liked to post the picture of us from my high school graduation, but it's not online.

Anyway.

My parents divorced when I was 6, and Mom started dating Paul shortly after. I hear that, at first, I was not the biggest fan of Paul; after all, I had my own father. When my dad proved that he just was not ready yet to be a full father, I looked to Paul for support.

When I was 10, I started calling him Dad. It started as something I just wanted to do, but when he called me out on it (It was quite awkward to say at first), saying I'd never be able to do it consistently, it turned into a reverse-psychology personal challenge. He had recently married my mom, and he was one of the most admired people in my life. 

As the years went by, I drifted more away from talking with my mom about personal matters, and turned to him. I honestly think a large part of it was because I'm a glutton for punishment. He'll tell it to you straight, you'll feel like an asshole and cry, rinse and repeat. We had a really rocky parent-child relationship, but our friendship and the support I needed from him in times of personal crisis were good and well-meaning. In his attempts to protect me and ensure the best for me, he was very hard on me and my goals and other personal relationships. This then led to a lot of clashing when it came to boyfriends, because I ended up with boys who had controlling parents, which then led to not much time with me, or assholes. He did state once that of course no one would be good enough for me! He was somewhat critical of my friends, but left them mostly alone when he encountered my sister's friends. 

When I was in first Duluth and then Grand Forks, and then even after I moved back to the cities, I called him several times a week to chat for 20-40 minutes or so. He was definitely my favorite man in the world, and I often used to say I wanted a relationship like the one he has with my mom. I liked that he was chivalrous and did "man" things like mow the lawn, change the oil, and shovel the driveway, but I really liked that he also did "domestic" things that many men I have met, don't: he does the majority of the cooking, he does all the laundry and irons, and he splits weekly chores with my mom. This of course led to me valuing a man who shares the work, versus being a lazy slob who expects everything to get done for him (Dan). He was funny, and kind, and would try to work through any problem with me in order for things to work out well.

Our falling out in October 2008 was a result of a grave mistake on his part. The man who was always supposed to be there for me no matter what failed me, utterly and completely. It literally SHATTERED my entire idea of him and what he stood for, and his place within my heart and life. I'm very sorry that it happened. I had to reshape my way thinking, and approach situations differently. I had to stop confiding in him and looking to him.

With physical distance and time we've been able to become friends again. He's gotten better about not pushing into my life. But there's a very tangible hole between us, in every situation. I feel facets of our old relationship, blips of warmth and love, but it's shrouded by a thick layer of hurt and mistrust. I still care deeply for him and he me, but there's a scar on my heart, an ugly marring that is always just under the surface.

Regardless of the last three years, prior to that, I would say that he's the one who's been there for me my entire life, and I'm grateful for all the love and care I got from him.