A Heart's a Heavy Burden

(side note: I started this entry over the weekend of the 16th and got half of a sentence in... lol)
On Thursday I ditched school, picked up Steve and we went to see Patrick Rothfuss at this tiny little "bar and hall" in downtown Saint Paul. I mean, I wouldn't say "ditched" per se because I told the professor about it ahead of time and everything but I didn't tell Blake I had a different engagement other than school. We were the first ones waiting in this atrium area in front of the "red doors" that were specified. I was very territorial about the doors but I was trying to act nonchalant, knitting my scarf and talking to Steve (he played a lot of the "facebook status bot" game and it was pretty funny). But on the inside I was so very "Line starts behind ME!!!" to anyone new who came in. Eventually I just actually stood in front of the door instead of near it. I wanted to get the best seats and I didn't care who was annoyed at me about it! I was the first one in and I got seats literally front and center. I didn't know who Paul and Storm were but I figured I would be getting acquainted with them in the near future due to my seating position. There was this very nice middle-aged woman who was the MOST Minnesota, and she offered to get Steve and myself drinks for watching her seats (we declined the drinks, and I followed her up to the bar). I didn't know what to get other than a red bull for Steve, so I was looking around at the other people. A man walked up to another person kitty-corner to me and introduced himself very gentlemanly-like to PATRICK ROTHFUSS!!! I didn't even notice he was standing basically RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I took a secret picture and sent the lady to get Steve. Pretty soon other people started coming, and I knew he would be staying after to sign books (I mean, he stayed NINE hours in Madrid signing books and this was not only a ticketed event, but many people didn't even hear about it) so I made sure we got pictures with him and told him how awesome he was, but we quickly left him alone because he was getting bombarded with people and we felt bad. Then when Paul and Storm were about to come on, he peeked out and we made eye contact so I waved to him AND HE WAVED BACKKKK. I felt a huge wave of starstruckness and also some embarrassment at being a tool.

Paul and Storm were pretty funny, they kept the crowd giggling, and then on one of the last songs ("Frogger") Paul grabbed me from the audience and sang to me/with me or whatever. I almost died. I was still knitting at that point and he actually said, in front of everyone, "You can bring your knitting if you want"!! omgggg. He spit on me in singing enthusiasm and Steve got a few pics. It was awesome but also kind of the worst because everyone was staring at me.

Patrick Rothfuss came out and read his first "Children's" book and talked a lot about it as well as the origins, and pointed out that while he is not allowed to sell copies of the second book online, that he could sell them at the merchandise booth. I was sooo excited!!! After he was finished, he opened up for some question time, and while most of the questions were boring, someone DID start to say something about the Adem being modeled after people on the Autism spectrum, and Patrick seemed to get a almost offended and said that the Adem are nothing like people on the spectrum and his tone implied that the guy asking the question was pretty dumb to think so (while I wouldn't have gotten as huffy about it, I obviously agree - the Adem may SEEM autistic until you realize how they communicate and that their whole world is BUILT around understanding body language and expression... duh) . Someone asked if he'd been to therapy. It sounded as if it was supposed to be a joke, but Patrick took the opportunity to disclose that he's actually been in therapy for a year, and he started therapy because his marriage was falling apart and he has been a really angry person for a long time, and that he and Sarah were about to get a divorce. He said that therapy helped him work through a lot of his anger, fix his relationship, and be a better father. It was an intense and touching confession, and I'm so glad he told us about it and that his life has improved!

After that, he told us about how he was an "advice columnist" for his school newspaper in college and he read some of his columns. They were so funny and great. One of them entailed a story about how he convinced his RA and floor supervisor to let him keep his guinea pigs by saying they were fish (The punchline was where he stuck one of his guinea pigs in a tank and when the RA freaked out and asked what the hell he was doing he said, "I'm. showing you. my fish."), and one where he debated slow zombies vs. fast zombies using sex as an analogy (both have their merits and downfalls but it's really personal preference).

After he was done, he set up at a table for book signing and chatting. He said that he hates that he has to stop chatting with people at long signings (like in Madrid) because it's like his favorite part - talking to the fans and really connecting. Steve and I had to run around the building to take out cash and I was worried about not getting a copy of the second Princess and Mr. Whiffle but it was okay :) Then we waited in line for a long while even though there were only like 20-30 people in front of us, which was awesome because it showed that we'd get to talk with him for a few minutes. With the people in front of us they discussed the comparative value of the money in the books (one talent can be VERY ROUGHLY compared to $1000, at the basic level). When we got up there we gushed a bit, talked about how it's impossible to remember people's names, and the fact that Patrick is considering releasing a book inbetween Wise Man's Fear and The Doors of Stone that takes place in the same world. When Steve and I told him that we would love ANY books in that universe and would happily read every single book he puts out, AND not to listen to the idiots whining about wanting the third book because they are just being selfish jerks, he thanked us and said that he will now really consider doing it, and he said it would be very easy to finish and publish. So that's exciting!

It was a great night.

I have some big news pending, but I don't want to say anything unless it's for sure. Suffice to say, fingers crossed and I hope to be able to share it with you soon! Well, I will either way but let's hope it all works out!

Steve and I reviewed our finances and noticed that we spend a horrendous amount of money per month on eating out, followed by things like coffee, jamba juice, etc. So we sat down with Paul and worked out our budget, and we're trying to stick by that now - including an "allowance." It should really help us with saving more money, and on not gaining unnecessary pounds with fatty foods!

I beat Bayonetta last weekend, and I've been replaying it on one difficulty level harder, and I've gotten so good at it, getting trophies left and right! It's a fantastic game.

Even though Laura was the one who set the pricing for my tattoo sessions, and even though Jerry (the owner) approved of them and was present, I always got the feeling that he did not approve of the pricing. He constantly gave her pointed looks and asked her how long we were working for. Laura is his only employee. She is talented, friendly, and simply awesome. I saw 3 other tattoos happen by Jerry in the 6 sessions I have had with the shop, and everyone came and left during my session. I noticed that the shop wasn't doing awesome (at least on the days I was there), and Laura mentioned several times that November/December were the slowest months. So really, my $2000 was helping the shop a great deal during the slow period. Laura offered my last session in December to be free, because progress was going slower than we would have liked (the flowers and grass around 3/4 of my wrist, for example, took one whole session and was a very small area). *I* did not ask for it. *She* offered it. 

So when I went in for my session on the 1st, I did not feel like it was any different. Jerry was being douchey with his looks, and Laura and I were doing business as usual. When Jerry left at 6, he gave her a longer-than-normal stare before he left. At 7, she went to get a pizza two doors down. She received a text during that time. I did not think to let her know she received one when she got back. A few minutes later, the shop got a phone call. It was Jerry. He clearly asked her if she got the text. She grabbed her phone and went into the storage room (as the shop really is just one big room). It was very clear then that the phone call was regarding me. A very heated 5-10-minute discussion ensued, with her raising her voice and getting all fast and squeaky. I knew they were arguing about my sleeve. A few minutes later she came out, stricken and very visibly upset, and told me that Jerry was requiring her to raise the price of my sessions, starting that evening. I was IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SESSION, mind you. Apparently Jerry feels that they have been undercharging me, and I deserve to finish my tattoo at an increased rate. At the time I was tired, and defeated, and I didn't want to be mad at Laura for what Jerry did. So we came to a compromise for the night and I ended up paying $50 more than I would have (I still tipped her my standard amount, which she was plainly shocked to see. It was clear that she thought she'd be losing her tip in favor of making up for the increase in price. I would never take that out on her like that.)

For a little while, I resigned myself to it. There's about 2 sessions left and then touch-ups, which are free (the shop guarantees all of its work... or so it claims). I couldn't think of a way to argue my point without burning bridges. I decided to let it go. I DID NOT schedule a new appointment, which I had done every single other time. I hoped that would send a message.

Then I thought about it for a few days, and I have decided that I simply may not go back to the shop AT ALL. How DARE he send his employee to do his dirty work? How DARE he decide to extort me when he knows that I am so close to being done? How DARE he not have the balls to talk to me himself!!!! Fuck! I am seething. I vacillate between wanting to storm down there and demand that he not renege on the agreed upon deal (and notify him that I know an artist who would be GLAD to finish my tattoo [even though I don't want to take this away from Laura and I don't *actually* have an artist lined up... but Andy could do it]), and maybe reach a compromise, and just never contacting them again and badmouthing the shop to anyone who will listen (and post a horrible review on FB, etc. OR just waiting to see if he convinces Laura to contact me when he realizes he misses that consistent money from me). Whenever I think of going to shop, my blood pressure absolutely skyrockets and I get dizzy, from a combination of the helpless, blind rage I feel at his outright greedy asshole behavior and the fact that I am so ridiculously terrified of a confrontation that I panic at the thought of trying to put forth a demanding, coherent, convincing argument.

It just sucks. Why did he have to do that? I hate him. Seriously. It's so wrong on so many levels and I just don't deserve this kind of treatment. God.

So... Being too busy has begun to get to me, heh. On Sunday night I got more anxious than I have been in quite some time and I didn't fall asleep until just before Steve came to bed around 3am (He took a 5-day weekend to use up his remaining vacation time before the year ends), and then of course when he woke me up the anxiety cycle restarted. I ended up calling in Monday and yesterday, to catch my breath and also to spend some time with Steve. I mean, I still had school on Monday, and I had a chiro appointment that I ultimately skipped, but it was still good to actually get sleep on not be stressed with the new trimester. I'm definitely over all the rules and controlling of Bath and Body works. I can't wait to be done. I just am not interested in the way it's run, especially with that one manager I simply can't stand. She's rude. And omg my time is so busy. Ughhghghhghhh.

So instead I got to play copious amounts of Rock Band 3!

Pat told me yesterday that it was "refreshing" to have someone who consistently wanted to do vocals. I was surprised because I feel like a bossy twat whenever I'm on vocals, simply because I don't like to do anything else. Guitar Hero I can play on guitar, and I was quite good at it at one point when I lived at Dan's parent's house and played with Michael, but for some reason it just isn't the same on Rock Band. Probably because there's soooo much repetition of notes versus variety. I just HATE the guitar. And let's face it, I am not a drummer. I like to sing, and I can USUALLY figure out pitch. Whenever ANYONE (usually female) asks to sing when I'm being vocals, I get all stiff like they think I'm hogging them and I need to share. I think I might be paranoid. XD

That 70's Show is so good. We've switched back to that being out background show. And omg Breaking Bad is amazing. We finally started the 5th season and it's GREAT.

I'm dyeing my hair Christmas colors this time... I was originally going to do a pink/green/purple or pink/green/blue combo, but then Steve pointed out that it's the holidays, so we got some red and I'm working on the colors right now! I'll post a pic when finished.

When I was at school on Monday, the professor asked for a show of hands who planned to do the hybrid program (mostly online), or the traditional program (once a week face-to-face). Most people raised their hands at hybrid. The class was about half that of when we started. This is due to a combination of people dropping out of the program with a smattering of people who didn't need the course. It was weird. My 3 favorite people were still in it, so I sat by them this time so I didn't have to get stuck with annoying guy. Anyway, during the break one of the students talked with the professor about the differences in the programs, and apparently the professor told them that while the face-to-face program does require the attendance commitment, there's a lot less busy work and most of the work is done in class. Ugh. WHYYY SO MEAN!?!?!? I mean, I get it. They want to make sure students are learning when not attending class so they assign a bunch of things. Is attending a class once a week a good trade-off for not having a ton of independent work? I'm so torn!

P.S. the urologist called back with my test results and said that even though my numbers were far improved, I was still showing some of that bacteria they don't want, so it's back to no sex for a couple weeks and a mega dose of medication. AND another follow-up appointment. Woo.

It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

( Here )

And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.

I've been experiencing uti symptoms since Thur/Fri and I've been trying to manage it with OTC stuff, D-mannose and probiotics. Each of these items runs $10-$30 each. I've had varying degrees of pain, from almost none to nearly tears, but I have yet to need to live in the bathroom - instead some nights I'm just up every half hour but can eventually go back to bed. This morning I was ready to make an appointment and give up, but it hasn't been as bad as last night so I'm continuing to stick it out. I did request a urology referral though, because the consistency of pain has reached frightening levels. I had thought I should schedule a pap but I guess I'm finally old enough not to need another for a couple years, but the allina site said to schedule a chlamydia screening. Um, fuck that. I don't need to check my vaginal health every year anymore but I need to check for STIs? Nope. Noooo. If I'm not getting a pap, I'm not getting a STD test. Thanks.

I was actually kind of hoping for a pap because overnight I got a huge painful lump in my right breast, like, at least an inch circumference. I googled it and there's like a million things it could be, but it hasn't gone away so I'm a little concerned. I just don't want to go through a long-ass appointment so they can tell me my tissue's just being wonky.

I almost decided to lead a double life for a moment. Quite surreal, and insane how easily it could happen. In another life, I think. But not now. I'm glad I peeked through the window, though. I needed to.

I've been able to talk to Bre relatively frequently lately, and I like that. She and Lamin even visited the townhouse for a bit on their way to a rodeo in Wisconsin. I love her inability to have a filter, and her brutal honesty, but above all, her genuineness. There is no way for that girl to be disingenuous and it's that quality that keeps her so near and dear to my heart.

When writing on my phone I must hit the letter k instead of m about 90% of the time and the text predictor always changes 'my' to 'Kyoto'. Lol.

Been playing a lot of Persona 3 Portable on the PSP and watching a lot of Breaking Bad with Steve and Pat. I'll be finished with my first grad school class this weekend and immediately start class number two! Otherwise there's not too much else going on, just seeing family here and there. Steve did the Mud Factor 5k obstacle course with me and will do the Warrior Dash next summer with me. Warrior dash was way more fun anyway even if the mud smelled and felt like actual shit. Mud Factor has amazing soft sandy mud that did not stink.

Oops! Break is over!

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I haven't been on the computer much because my screen inexplicably (literally) broke exactly like my car windshield. I'm doomed for srs. I put it away one night and the next night I opened it and BAM! Cracks and sack black dead pixel splotches. Dealing with the warranty is very anxiety-provoking considering I don't even know what happened to my laptop (the guess is that a cat jumped on it too hard because they are heavy) and I tried calling them once and they're being picky about info and I've been suffocated with panic since. Maybe this weekend. *hyperventilates*

So, I had a looooong day at work and just needed some couple time. I feel like I've been taking Steve's love as a given and therefore a bit for granted. That's not cool. So we went shopping at our favorite B-ville mall, got cutie dinner, horribly messed up Caribou coffees - I ordered a small Northern Lite Vanilla Latte hot, he ordered a medium espresso cooler. I got the espresso hot latte and he got a vanilla cooler. BLEHHHH. But I choked it down among teases from Steve. ("So uh, how's that coffee taste?" "It... has flavor." "Oh, so you like it?" "I ordered a coffee drink, and it has coffee... And flavor." XD). Got a few cute new items and bleach + blue hair dye.

Then we went to our favorite GameStop and I found one of the few PS2 games we don't own - Tales of Legendia. Even if it's considered one of the worst Tales games, it was pristine, $20, and OMGPS2!!!!

Get home, start bleaching my hair, and stumble upon a STATUS ON FACEBOOK my mom posted about my sister having a seizure in downtown Minneapolis while driving and crashed into a parked car. While it turns out she's okay at this point and wasn't seriously injured, and a nearby police officer witnessed it and sprang into action, when I read the status and thought about if my sister had been on the highway or otherwise in serious danger... I sort of awkwardly burst into tears. It was Leah-bursting, which is more like a slow build-up and very full eyes but lots of wiping of the face, but shit! Here I was all having an amazing day, and my only sister could be fucking DYING in a CAR ACCIDENT. Jesus. The fear of what would happen if I lost her went almost out of control. She may be at rock bottom, but I love that girl.

After I spoke with Mom on the phone (and sufficiently made her feel bad because I got so upset), I finished dying my hair. See here! I loooove it. I wish I had done more blue and maybe not attacked my bangs so hard with the scissors, but I get so frustrated at how quickly they grow! I JUST got my hair cut. Ugh.

K, seriously. The weather needs to stop being in the 80's-90's for part of a week, and then be in the upper 50's, then be 93 for a day, and then go back to the fucking 50's again. I'm so SICK of this bullshit weather. Anything below 70's leaves me feeling lethargic, not motivated, and irritable. Especially with it being cloudy too.

I did so well the past couple weeks exercising (despite the constant, near-crippling pain in my bones) and now with the chilly and cloudy, I'm cranky and just want to sleep in my car on break (and feel sorry for myself for being injured).

I don't want to be in the toddler room today. I'm too irritable.

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