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- What's one small way you can become a better person in 2020? For others? For yourself?
- What are you holding onto that's no longer serving you? Why are you holding on? What's one step you can take towards releasing it?
- Set a goal for 2020 that excites you. Set a goal that scares you.
- What do you want to be a student of in 2020?
- Who in your life deserves the biggest thank you for this year? Let them know if you can.
Steve and I didn't want to go to the New Years thing at Dave and Shelby's new place, but since we didn't go to the Christmas party and even though we had never planned on going, we felt like we couldn't "ditch" again. It was like -14*F/-25*C and miserable, but we *went*.
... I LOVE the new house. I am legit jealous of it. It has a kitchen, a bar, an island, an insane massive bathtub with a bathroom connected to the master bedroom, etc.
I had 2 glasses of wine and played a bunch of Hearthstone dungeons while everyone else chatted and played board games. I sat by Scott and Tyler and talked with Courtney and Joe Waid as well. A little while later I was sitting on the floor talking to Scott and Nick when I overheard Shelby say something that I thought was in reference to the house, and I was buzzed and like tried to agree from across the room, and I discovered she was NOT talking about the house when she was like, "Oh! You want some?!" and suddenly I was taking a shot of ground up mushrooms in lemon juice. I was SO. EXCITED. I love mushrooms, but I never really am around them.
While I waited for them to kick in, Scott made me a margarita on the rocks. After I consumed that, my heart started racing comparatively to normal - my heart rate while being a normal human is 60-70bpm, and it was at like 95. I began panicking realizing I've never mixed alcohol with anything other than weed, and I was soooo afraid of freaking out in front of my friends and acquaintances. So there was a good 15 minutes where I was basically having an internal meltdown. One of my biggest fears in life is looking stupid, and naturally I don't want to be perceived as such in front of people and especially while on drugs.
Eventually the feeling passed as I started to feel warm, and suddenly OH MY GOD I REMEMBERED why I love shrooms so much. It's like the best, most happy warm fuzzy feeling in the whole world. Unlike in Montana, I never got that super intense "get away I wanna be alone staring at this breathing rock doN'T TOUCH ME" feeling. On the contrary, I was really into everyone there, in the BEST mood. I was still hyper aware of my speech and behavior because I didn't feel totally comfortable being high in a room full of not-high people, but Steve (as a straight-edge person) said that I was giggly/smiley and in a super good mood, and encouraged me to acquire them whenever I want. lol.
I spent most of the night watching Nick play dungeon runs in Hearthstone (and only being minimally helpful because it was hard to focus). I let myself tune out occasionally too to watch the room gently breathe and my jeans be alive with movement. A few people went out to the grocery store to get food and Courtney came back with glow in the dark silly putty, which I played with the entire night for tactile satisfaction. I also had the urge to chew on something most of the time. Shelby eventually pulled me into the bathroom with the putty and we sat in there in the dark for like a half hour playing with it. I was not really into it, but Shelby was generous in offering me the drugs so I felt like I should humor her for awhile. It wasn't bad, but AGAIN I was aware that no one else was high and how WEIRD it was to just be in the bathroom in the dark for so long... haha.
I went back in the living room when I heard Courtney and Joe Waid talking about where I was. I ate a couple butter cookies and was legitimately surprised at how good they tasted. I'm used to food actively tasting BAD when I'm high on weed (I know, I know - opposite of everyone else on the planet), and my brain said that therefore food tastes bad on all drugs. Courtney asked me about what the high was like, and I sat next to Scott and stared at my jeans some more and watched everyone else.
I'd say the high lasted about 3 hours, and just when it was wearing off, Noah and Steve started a game where someone would come up with a video game question and stipulate the number of answers required of each person, and the rest of the room would text their answers. You could look something up to verify an answer, but on the honor system you couldn't google anything. For example:
"Name 3 games where a bear is the main character"
"Name 4 games where a character wears a striped shirt"
"Name 3 games where a character wears a crown"
It ended up being really fun, lol. We played for like 3 hours. Then Steve went with Nick to bring Noah home (an hour in the opposite direction), and Joe Waid and I went with Courtney so she could bring us home. We played a game with Spotify where one person would choose a song, and the next person would choose the next song based on another song you were reminded of, or the feelings you got when you heard the song, or the lyrics, or whatever. It was so fun! At some point I played The Saltwater Room by Owl City, and Joe Waid was like OH MY GOD THIS ERAAAA. I reminded him that the song of our relationship is West Coast Friendship (me to him) and he said that ACTUALLY it was If My Heart Was a House (him to me). Awwww <333 He da best.
After Courtney dropped him off, we sat in my driveway and talked for like another hour, telling various stories about being high after she asked me what it was like on mushrooms and that she really wanted to try them with us but was juuuust too afraid, and we agreed to definitely get high together. It was good!
By then it was like 4am and I was DEAD tired, but I hung around playing more Hearthstone dungeons until Steve got home around 4:30.
All in all, a very good new year!
( Goals of 2017 Reflection )
In terms of my goals and successes, 2017 was a weird year. I think I was more selfish than I should have been, but it felt so good to focus on myself. I did so many things that I wanted to do and didn't feel guilty about them. I kind of want to roll with this but in a healthier way. 2017 was the Year of Action, and I *was* active. I DID a lot of things. I am happy that I did.
When I think about 2018, I want to MAKE. I want to ACCOMPLISH. I want to CULTIVATE and INNOVATE and have tangible or visible results. This all leads me to:
2018, The Year of Creating:
I will create and maintain a space that makes me feel satisfied, comfortable and happy. [HOUSE]
In terms of my goals and successes, 2017 was a weird year. I think I was more selfish than I should have been, but it felt so good to focus on myself. I did so many things that I wanted to do and didn't feel guilty about them. I kind of want to roll with this but in a healthier way. 2017 was the Year of Action, and I *was* active. I DID a lot of things. I am happy that I did.
When I think about 2018, I want to MAKE. I want to ACCOMPLISH. I want to CULTIVATE and INNOVATE and have tangible or visible results. This all leads me to:
2018, The Year of Creating:
I will create and maintain a space that makes me feel satisfied, comfortable and happy. [HOUSE]
- This looks like continually evaluating my surroundings and getting rid of things that don't bring me joy. We have already done one sweep of the house and reduced our THINGS by a significant margin, but I would like to minimize even more.
- This also looks like stopping letting the need to clean get out of control. It's amazing how two people can make the house look so shitty in a manner of days, when it's really not much work to clean up as we go.
- Finally, this looks like obtaining the items I need to make the house satisfactory and fixing up where I can (within our budget).
- Create space in our budget by adhering to the limits that Steve and I have set - not overspending, and utilizing the categories available to me. Pre-planning as much as I can with things like trips. Steve's
- This looks like finding and continuing a good routine with movement. I play ITG regularly and have begun a kickboxing program with my sister. I want to fit yoga into this to create my best self.
- This also looks like being even more consistent with my eating. I have been gentle with myself as I figure out what my body needs to consume, what it craves. However, I have also consumed foods that I didn't want or need simply because they were easy. I need to be more deliberate and firm with my food boundaries because that's what makes me happy. Getting Steve to participate helps the relationship and makes us feel better as a whole.
- I have made a ridiculous amount of progress over the past year, and especially so from June onward. I feel good about how far I've come, and I want to keep up that momentum. I have specific goals on my Groovestats.
- I really focused on myself this year - arguably one of the most selfish years for me on record. I'm not sorry for it, but there are relationships that matter to me and I have hurt some people's feelings because I choose me and being alone over everyone else. I want to develop a more balanced relationship dynamic - ie. not dedicate all of my "battery time" to Haley/snapchat. I have already taken steps to making this happen, such as not always feeling like I need to watch snaps immediately.
- I think another thing I need to do is find a balance between not doing things I don't want to do and feeling like EVERY event is a burden. Because I almost always end up having fun. And like, sometimes I DO feel sad when I see people having fun without me - like Tealie, Anne, Courtnie and Preston got REALLY wasted at a club over this winter break and accidentally sent snaps to our school snapchat group and they looked like they were having the BEST time, and I was legitimately sad I wasn't invited, even though tbh I probably wouldn't have gone. It's been literally -15*F (-26*C) for a week with windchills at aroud -25 (-32) and I don't ever want to leave the house. And yet Anne invited us to a brunch tomorrow and I REALLY don't want to go, because it's my last day before school starts again. I'm probably going to go and have fun, but right now it sounds like a huge chore.
- I want to continue to improve my relationship with Steve by being a more active partner. Things have been GREAT with us having this week off together. Again, our relationship is truly always good, but I want to continue to be more proactive and dynamic and loving. I spent most of the last few years abhorring the idea of marriage, but for the past few months I've been like, "Okay, he can propose to me if he wants, that's okay with me. We can have whatever length engagement we want." I'm still completely dreading the idea of a wedding, but I currently don't mind the idea of being married to him. I still don't know why I'm so freaked about marriage when we've been together for more than 8 and a half years and have lived together for 8 of them. Like, we're married in everything but legality and have been for some time. We jointly own a house. But the other day a mutual friend Jason commented on a pic of us and said, "My buddy and his bad ass wifey!!" and that made me surprisingly warm inside. And Steve's been calling me his "waifu" way more often, and I feel like he says that to express the sentiment but soften the vulnerability, ya know? People mistakenly call Steve my husband with increasing frequency (oh NO WE'RE SO OLD) and I've never corrected anyone because I don't care about that so....
- I got really into knitting more this year, and I want to complete more projects and curate more yarn that feeds my soul. Specifically I want to make more socks, washcloths, hats and scarves. I made Nick a scarf this year and next year is probably Scott's year. I'm working on one for Steve lowkey as well.
- I want to crochet a bigger and better afghan this year. One that I will continually use. I may look into knitting one too, but knitting takes so much longer, so crochet is just so much more realistic.
- I would like to knit every single day, even if it's just for a half hour.
( Here is my post from last year, with comments on my growth )
Looking toward 2017... I was not on the bandwagon of 2016 being the worst year ever. Bad things happen all the time, every year. I had no self-pity over all the shitty things happening. I think we're exposed to sensationalized, embellished, and outright fake news and it's toxic and overwhelming. Cutting myself off of that part of social media has improved my mood immensely. I actually had a very good year, now that I'm thinking about it.
I want to continue this momentum. 2016 was the year of Rejuvenation. I did decently well at this I think, not sure how much of it is my optimism because I've been off school for over a week and I quickly forgot just how over everything I was by the time break came around. I feel better about how I live my life, I feel balanced between work and home and satisfied overall with my life, and I did a lot of things I REALLY wanted to do.
This year, let's call it the Year of Action:
I will develop a healthy self in order to improve my confidence and self-esteem and manage my weight.
This looks like being active at least 3 times per week, as well as eating whole foods. No excuses for being lazy with meal-making. Eating out 1 time per week max (we do brunch every Sunday morning and I love that we do). I have gained a lot of weight over the past couple of months and I need to balance that out (she says as she stuffs taco bell that she's not even enjoying into her face).
I will get at least one massage.
I will explore new places as much as I can.
Ex. Mexico with Haley, ideally traveling to Japan this year. Applying to exchange or teaching programs. Go places locally with Steve or Haley.
Be more effusive with Steve. Take a more active role in our relationship.
Stop being so lazy and favor-asking. Reciprocate mushiness more and be more affectionate.
I will dedicate myself to learning Japanese on a consistent basis.
Baby steps, but I want to do this so badly. I just need to do it.
I will finish my thesis by May.
I literally have to do this or I will be in Big Trouble. Fo real. Steve says I will be single if I don't. This same thing happened when I didn't want to graduate with my Bachelor's by the end.
Steve and I have a deal that if I beat a game such as Chrono Cross, I will be allowed to play Persona 5 first.
I have more time now that the release has been delayed, and he said it doesn't HAVE to be Chrono Cross but definitely a game like it from his nostalgic love. I began the game but for literally no reason other than time I stopped playing. I know it's a good game and I'll love it.
I will be more mindful of my spending in order to help us create a more ideal life.
We began 2016 as the Year of Savings, but things like my trip to Cincinnati/Cleveland, Skydiving, paying for the trip to Mexico, etc. on top of buying clothes and stuff, it fell apart by June. I want a new computer so badly and of course I ALWAYS want new tattoos. Steve needs a new computer and I desperately want a Vitamix (currently have a couple hundred in cash saved up specifically for that).
Continue to spend almost none time on social media.
I have gotten so much of my life and so much time, energy, and happiness back by avoiding it. I need to keep it up.
I will learn to crochet.
More than just crappy-to-okay doilies. I am talented with knitting, and I'd love to have the versatility of crocheting at my fingertips. The reason I taught myself to knit in 2007 was because I wanted to knit these Harry Potter book scarves - I had a goal in mind that I wanted to achieve. For crochet I want to be able to make SO MANY THINGS. I also get a lot of disappointment from people who can't tell the difference between knitting and crochet and will be all "Can you make this?!?!?!" and I have to let them know that no, sorry, I can't because that's crochet. I would LOVE to be able to crochet these dragonscale gauntlets, but according to people on Ravelry, it's pretty intermediate. I will instead choose a simpler project as a tangible goal by the end of the year: Nyan Cat Scarf. A long time ago at a Comic Con, Steve and I ran into this girl who was wearing the scarf (as well as a Gir shirt!!), and it turns out she'd made it herself. I was so jealous. I was too shy to get info to be her friend (and also, I don't historically make girl friends.. or friends at all because why.. so it didn't cross my mind until later). When I took the picture she was actually singing the nyan cat song and making the nyan cat dance. Too precious. According to the pattern, it uses a lot of basic crochet skills. It would be a good example and culmination of practice over the year.
Looking toward 2017... I was not on the bandwagon of 2016 being the worst year ever. Bad things happen all the time, every year. I had no self-pity over all the shitty things happening. I think we're exposed to sensationalized, embellished, and outright fake news and it's toxic and overwhelming. Cutting myself off of that part of social media has improved my mood immensely. I actually had a very good year, now that I'm thinking about it.
I want to continue this momentum. 2016 was the year of Rejuvenation. I did decently well at this I think, not sure how much of it is my optimism because I've been off school for over a week and I quickly forgot just how over everything I was by the time break came around. I feel better about how I live my life, I feel balanced between work and home and satisfied overall with my life, and I did a lot of things I REALLY wanted to do.
This year, let's call it the Year of Action:
I will develop a healthy self in order to improve my confidence and self-esteem and manage my weight.
This looks like being active at least 3 times per week, as well as eating whole foods. No excuses for being lazy with meal-making. Eating out 1 time per week max (we do brunch every Sunday morning and I love that we do). I have gained a lot of weight over the past couple of months and I need to balance that out (she says as she stuffs taco bell that she's not even enjoying into her face).
I will get at least one massage.
I will explore new places as much as I can.
Ex. Mexico with Haley, ideally traveling to Japan this year. Applying to exchange or teaching programs. Go places locally with Steve or Haley.
Be more effusive with Steve. Take a more active role in our relationship.
Stop being so lazy and favor-asking. Reciprocate mushiness more and be more affectionate.
I will dedicate myself to learning Japanese on a consistent basis.
Baby steps, but I want to do this so badly. I just need to do it.
I will finish my thesis by May.
I literally have to do this or I will be in Big Trouble. Fo real. Steve says I will be single if I don't. This same thing happened when I didn't want to graduate with my Bachelor's by the end.
Steve and I have a deal that if I beat a game such as Chrono Cross, I will be allowed to play Persona 5 first.
I have more time now that the release has been delayed, and he said it doesn't HAVE to be Chrono Cross but definitely a game like it from his nostalgic love. I began the game but for literally no reason other than time I stopped playing. I know it's a good game and I'll love it.
I will be more mindful of my spending in order to help us create a more ideal life.
We began 2016 as the Year of Savings, but things like my trip to Cincinnati/Cleveland, Skydiving, paying for the trip to Mexico, etc. on top of buying clothes and stuff, it fell apart by June. I want a new computer so badly and of course I ALWAYS want new tattoos. Steve needs a new computer and I desperately want a Vitamix (currently have a couple hundred in cash saved up specifically for that).
Continue to spend almost none time on social media.
I have gotten so much of my life and so much time, energy, and happiness back by avoiding it. I need to keep it up.
I will learn to crochet.
More than just crappy-to-okay doilies. I am talented with knitting, and I'd love to have the versatility of crocheting at my fingertips. The reason I taught myself to knit in 2007 was because I wanted to knit these Harry Potter book scarves - I had a goal in mind that I wanted to achieve. For crochet I want to be able to make SO MANY THINGS. I also get a lot of disappointment from people who can't tell the difference between knitting and crochet and will be all "Can you make this?!?!?!" and I have to let them know that no, sorry, I can't because that's crochet. I would LOVE to be able to crochet these dragonscale gauntlets, but according to people on Ravelry, it's pretty intermediate. I will instead choose a simpler project as a tangible goal by the end of the year: Nyan Cat Scarf. A long time ago at a Comic Con, Steve and I ran into this girl who was wearing the scarf (as well as a Gir shirt!!), and it turns out she'd made it herself. I was so jealous. I was too shy to get info to be her friend (and also, I don't historically make girl friends.. or friends at all because why.. so it didn't cross my mind until later). When I took the picture she was actually singing the nyan cat song and making the nyan cat dance. Too precious. According to the pattern, it uses a lot of basic crochet skills. It would be a good example and culmination of practice over the year.
Writer's Block: Auld Lang Syne
Dec. 31st, 2010 07:14 am[Error: unknown template qotd]
Fad resolutions are stupid, but I do have some goals that also coincide with... right now.
And I don't really think there's anything to do with "sticking" to them. I'm constantly working on making healthy eating a "lifestyle" vs a "diet," so I will struggle with ups and downs, but ultimately come back to the same place. Self-esteem and body image are also ongoing battles. A relationship always requires work. As do finances and housing.
I think I'll do very well on my goals this year. :)
Fad resolutions are stupid, but I do have some goals that also coincide with... right now.
- HEALTH: I need to work at my weight again. I've ballooned back up to 130+. I need to make healthier meals again. The reason I've been able to stay in the lower 120's the past year and a half was when I was basically starving myself. It's not healthy, and even though I know it works for the moment, the second I start eating, my body packs on the pounds. I have a slow metabolism anyway. I've started making yummy healthy lunches and watching my portions. I also plan on exercising more (I say "plan" because I use DDR in winter for exercise, and I'm waiting on one of the step plates to come in - Steve cracked one and we're afraid of damaging the delicate interior, so we ordered another). My goal for the summer is to get outside and put my new step-ups to good use, vs. sleeping all day.
- FINANCES: Another that I'm working on is my finances. Steve and I are saving for our own place. I've been VERY good about putting a minimum of 10% of each paycheck into savings (and actually, I put 10% BEFORE taxes in, so it's a chunk more than my final checks) since we decided to start saving. I'm paying more than the minimum balance towards my student loans as well after each paycheck. My current goal is to get my credit card back to zero. I've been smart about my credit limit and have kept it low in comparison to many peers, so I have a lower balance total to pay off, haha. It's still a pretty good chunk of money, and I've been neglecting paying it off for far too long. I need to get a budget going again. US Bank is telling me they might start a budgeting category, and categorize your spending. I think it'd be a good slap in the face to tell me how much I actually spend on food and games. I need to limit my "fun" spending. I make enough money where I CAN buy whatever I want, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD ALWAYS.
- FAMILY: I'd like to see more of my nephew. I need to spend some time with my sister. I have a goal of visiting her at least one weekend a month.
- HOUSING: I have a goal to be moved into a place by April.
- RELATIONSHIP: I have a goal of being less randomly, irrationally jealous. Steve doesn't deserve that, and I have no reason to be a bitch. When I'm being like this, and Steve asks me why, I will think and think and think, and I literally have NO IDEA why I'm feeling such raging jealousy. What the fuck, me? I need a better attitude overall, honestly. I get so shitty during the winter months.
- SELF: I need to figure out a way to have higher self-esteem, to accept myself for the way I am. I spend a ridiculous amount of time pining for so many things that I just won't be, physically. Maybe read some books or something. I'm not ugly, so I don't know why I'm not okay with me.
- GAMING: I don't have a number goal because that would stress me out, but I have a goal to actively play more games instead of taking forever to beat just one. I have over 200 games to beat - time to get to it! And read more manga and watch more anime!
And I don't really think there's anything to do with "sticking" to them. I'm constantly working on making healthy eating a "lifestyle" vs a "diet," so I will struggle with ups and downs, but ultimately come back to the same place. Self-esteem and body image are also ongoing battles. A relationship always requires work. As do finances and housing.
I think I'll do very well on my goals this year. :)
Writer's Block: Auld Lang Syne
Dec. 31st, 2010 07:14 am[Error: unknown template qotd]
Fad resolutions are stupid, but I do have some goals that also coincide with... right now.
And I don't really think there's anything to do with "sticking" to them. I'm constantly working on making healthy eating a "lifestyle" vs a "diet," so I will struggle with ups and downs, but ultimately come back to the same place. Self-esteem and body image are also ongoing battles. A relationship always requires work. As do finances and housing.
I think I'll do very well on my goals this year. :)
Fad resolutions are stupid, but I do have some goals that also coincide with... right now.
- HEALTH: I need to work at my weight again. I've ballooned back up to 130+. I need to make healthier meals again. The reason I've been able to stay in the lower 120's the past year and a half was when I was basically starving myself. It's not healthy, and even though I know it works for the moment, the second I start eating, my body packs on the pounds. I have a slow metabolism anyway. I've started making yummy healthy lunches and watching my portions. I also plan on exercising more (I say "plan" because I use DDR in winter for exercise, and I'm waiting on one of the step plates to come in - Steve cracked one and we're afraid of damaging the delicate interior, so we ordered another). My goal for the summer is to get outside and put my new step-ups to good use, vs. sleeping all day.
- FINANCES: Another that I'm working on is my finances. Steve and I are saving for our own place. I've been VERY good about putting a minimum of 10% of each paycheck into savings (and actually, I put 10% BEFORE taxes in, so it's a chunk more than my final checks) since we decided to start saving. I'm paying more than the minimum balance towards my student loans as well after each paycheck. My current goal is to get my credit card back to zero. I've been smart about my credit limit and have kept it low in comparison to many peers, so I have a lower balance total to pay off, haha. It's still a pretty good chunk of money, and I've been neglecting paying it off for far too long. I need to get a budget going again. US Bank is telling me they might start a budgeting category, and categorize your spending. I think it'd be a good slap in the face to tell me how much I actually spend on food and games. I need to limit my "fun" spending. I make enough money where I CAN buy whatever I want, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD ALWAYS.
- FAMILY: I'd like to see more of my nephew. I need to spend some time with my sister. I have a goal of visiting her at least one weekend a month.
- HOUSING: I have a goal to be moved into a place by April.
- RELATIONSHIP: I have a goal of being less randomly, irrationally jealous. Steve doesn't deserve that, and I have no reason to be a bitch. When I'm being like this, and Steve asks me why, I will think and think and think, and I literally have NO IDEA why I'm feeling such raging jealousy. What the fuck, me? I need a better attitude overall, honestly. I get so shitty during the winter months.
- SELF: I need to figure out a way to have higher self-esteem, to accept myself for the way I am. I spend a ridiculous amount of time pining for so many things that I just won't be, physically. Maybe read some books or something. I'm not ugly, so I don't know why I'm not okay with me.
- GAMING: I don't have a number goal because that would stress me out, but I have a goal to actively play more games instead of taking forever to beat just one. I have over 200 games to beat - time to get to it! And read more manga and watch more anime!
And I don't really think there's anything to do with "sticking" to them. I'm constantly working on making healthy eating a "lifestyle" vs a "diet," so I will struggle with ups and downs, but ultimately come back to the same place. Self-esteem and body image are also ongoing battles. A relationship always requires work. As do finances and housing.
I think I'll do very well on my goals this year. :)
