A Heart's a Heavy Burden

Couple quick things-

• Work meeting yesterday kept me until 8:20, not including the drive home (Ugh, no time!)
• Today some of the women from work got together for drinks/dinner after work, so I made an appearance in an effort to get to know my coworkers, so I didn't get home until late again.
• Tomorrow is International Day at work, and we're required to dress up. I bought a kimono and MAYBE an obi (I don't think it's the actual correct kind, but it's pretty), and spent a crapton of time ironing both. The obi was not saveable in terms of wrinkles though. I tried my best to tie a bow (see cut)* and then didn't want to undo it, and was effectively stuck inside it. Major comedy ensued as Steve tried to pull it off of me, and I was like a fat kid stuck in an inner tube. XD It didn't help that my skin was clammy from sweating in the effort to tie the freakin' material. I was all over the place in various forms of scrunchy, trying to be simultaneously as small and as skinny as possible!!! It was both embarrassing and hilarious.
• It has been in the 60's and 70's the past couple of days. AMAZING!
• Stuff has been happening regarding updates and such with Pam and dad, but I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow so I didn't want to try to write anything on it before getting more info... because it's exhausting updating every 40 minutes about it.

( *Pictures quick )

If only I wasn't tied to a man who desperately loves his family and friends. I would so, SO teach English overseas. At least for awhile. Probably in South Korea. But if I was alone, I'd be horrendously lonely. Suzi is teaching in Thailand right now, and taught in India prior to that. Jared didn't go with her to India (they hadn't been dating too long at the time that she left, but he DID visit!), but he did for Thailand. Max jelly. I feel like it'd be the easiest way to cheater-get-experience without actually having a degree. JFC I don't want to get another degree. I want experience to mean more.

Also, I finally decided that I need to work toward accepting that I am simply Chibi, and will always be chibi, and will not be skinny and flat. I AM CHIBI AND CHIBI IS CUTE. I love chibi characters so I should also love myself. Steve was all for this idea and told me in no  uncertain terms how attractive he finds me and always has. ;)

But I still need to work on my arms. It's very infuriating that spot training is so difficult, because I NEED not-flabby and fat arms. That's all I want. Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee! Seriously, been doing personal training since August with a fair amount of effort put on the arms, and there has been NO CHANGE to their size. Ugh. Bleh.

Today with work was pretty depressing because I only had depressed clients... lol. I should think ahead next time I schedule them; it really brings me down by the end of the day!

I bought the majority of Steve's gifts today online and tomorrow I'm going to venture out for the final one. I'm super excited! We set a $175 limit for each other. Otherwise I don't actually know how much we spent on other people this year. We have so many to buy for! But it's nice having the money to be able to do that without worrying.

Speaking of money, Steve and I have begun looking for a new place once it stops being cold again. We moved here in April, but our lease is technically month to month so we can move whenever we want. I love our cute little ghetto place, because it is the right amount of space for us, but NOT the right amount of storage or kitchen space. The location is pretty good in terms of ease of access to highways and the cities we frequent, but not very quiet or even particularly safe. And receiving packages is HELL when it's from UPS.

The places that we want are generally apartments and townhomes (though I'm mentally ready to get a mortgage and a house, but Steve is holding back as a result of his student loan fears and whatnot, which is understandable), but they are expensive! Steve and I can comfortably afford a few hundred dollars than we pay now, but the exact specifications we want/need (want: in-unit washer and dryer, need: allowing two non-declawed cats) add a pretty high amount.

Interestingly, Nick was texting me today about how much he hates living with Pat, because all Pat does is complain about Scott (he also complains TO Scott, who DOES NOT CARE). Now, Scott is a horrible roommate. I give that to Pat. He leaves plates with food on them everywhere, doesn't do his dishes or clean up after himself. However, Steve warned Pat about this when they wanted to move in together, but Pat didn't listen. And now he spends every day being The Mom and nagging the other two. Nick jokingly suggested that he wanted to live with me and Steve, because while we are generally neat, we're not Nazis about cleanliness and have periods of leaving clothes on the floor or letting a few dishes pile up in the sink (bowls, not plates - because plates WOULDN'T FIT). In light of my recent apartment search, I actually considered the thought for a bit. Nick appears to be a good roommate. He keeps to himself mostly and is pretty laid-back. Getting a two-bedroom (with rooms not adjacent to each other) would be cheaper overall. Rent would not likely be split evenly as Nick makes far less than Steve or I do, but his contribution would definitely help and keep the rent for the two of us in our price range.

When I discussed the idea with Steve he got all giddy, because he never lived with roommates before and adores Nick so he'd kind of get his bro roommate time! XD I'd just have to come to terms with less privacy, but if Nick continues his current work schedule it won't be a huge issue, because he gets home around the time we go to bed. I'm super excited to move!

Also, a note about the weather... a few days ago it was 8 degrees, and yesterday it was in the 40's... the snow has mostly melted because of this. *I* don't mind the warm weather. :)

I've been having a super busy week, and we're going up north for Steve's niece and nephew's birthday (twins) this weekend. But! I DID take pictures of the apartment, and that is STEP ONE. And step two will be to post them, hopefully tomorrow. I swear I will get this done if it kills me.

Steve and I FINALLY broke in our new bikes! We biked about 5 miles, and while I was a wuss on this one steep hill and now my legs are killing me, overall I think I did well for not having used a bike in YEARS. I love biking! I'm sad that we learn to drive at 16 and drop a super awesome mode of transportation.

It's hard to get used to because my hometown is FLAT and you can get anywhere so fast, but Saint Paul and Oakdale are super goddamn hilly! One second you're zooming down a slope and the next you're crying because you have a mountain to scale. Well, I am, anyway. Steve laughs at me and does it no problem.

We also went out to dinner with my auntie Connie and her new boyfriend David. He seems nice and means well, and opened the car door for her. :DDD He makes Connie happy. Versus her ex-husband, who's a major creepwad but the father of her 17-year-old daughter so he's kinda around, and her long-time sort-of boyfriend Bob who's hilarious because of how serious and angry he is. He's just silly... but not the kind of guy Connie needs. So yay! He also won points for at least sort of recognizing my soot sprites tattoo, and telling me how he borrowed Connie Spirited Away and that she has yet to watch it. I smell a movie night coming on!!! I love her; she's great.

Okay! Time for bed for this girl. Anyone willing to give me a back rub?!

Having the time to finally get my desk cleaned out - one of my team leads used to have my desk before she was promoted. The desk was FILLED with outdated resources and forms. Like, to the brim. Some were useful and relevent, and I kept those, but I found some dated as far back at 2001 D: Programs change all the time; there's no way the same forms are still in use.

AND I got a resource binder set up. I finally figured out a way to organize all the random bits of papers that have resources on them, and I'm keeping that damn thing in my car AT ALL TIMES XD

Feels sooooo good.

The level of disgust that I feel towards people who cover up sexual abuse crimes is almost immeasurable.

The Catholic church has been hiding their abuse of children for centuries, and this started because the people of the church wanted to ensure that property of men went to the church when they died, not families? The requirement of celibacy came about very early on in the church, because the church wasn't satisfied with the married bishops, etc. passing their land on to their sons. Nothing in the Bible says anything about being celibate as a member of the church, and the apostles had families. So what the fuck, Catholicism?

Many men who become a part of the church start at a very early age, like 14 years old. When they make these decisions to join the church, it's like they're halting their psychosexual development. They're fed all these rules about controlling themselves, when really they're just BEGGING for these... kids, really... to become pedophiles. They're not taught how to understand their bodies and the urges they feel, and they are discouraged from exploring these feelings. All of us know how pleasurable sexual feelings are since we're free to express them. But what about a 20-year-old (or what-have-you) priest who never learned to understand and channel his feelings? He works with children. He feels affectionate towards these children. He feels connected to these children. In effect, he's nearly at the same stage of psychosexual development they are at. Children are trusting, and naive. What better subjects to explore your sexual curiosity with without feeling like you're really breaking the rules?

Let's not forget that it's safe to assume that a large number of these men were ALSO abused as children, and are simply perpetuating what they learned as children themselves. Did it feel wrong, or bad, or uncomfortable when it happened to them? Certainly. Did they learn those behaviors from their abusers? Almost definitely. They first are against the actions, but then learn to accept them. Learn to squash their feelings and accept the fear and pain. It's just a part of life, and surely their priest, their vessel of Jesus, wouldn't do something to them that wasn't okay! And yet... they know it's not something they should be telling people. Because deep down it really hurts. It's scary. It's involving parts of their body that they were taught were private.

I firmly believe that if the Catholic church allowed their priests to have families, that this would happen a lot less. There would still be abusers within the church, but I think the number would be far fewer. Because these men would have been given the chance to grow into their sexuality and express it in a healthy way. Personally I think celibacy itself is appalling, but that's likely here nor there.

I don't think that pedophiles are inherently monsters. I think that they learned a specific way to behave, and found an outlet for their sexuality. I think that that outlet is viewed by the Catholic church as no worse than being sexual with an adult. It's just another form of "sex," in a world where "sex" is forbidden, and is probably considered lesser because they're children, and also because children are less likely to tell. I think that these priests are stuck in the wrong stage of psychosexual development, and they need help in order to correct that. By ignoring claims of abuse (and even pleas for help from the pedophile priests), the church is only exacerbating the problem, and preventing these men from getting the help they desperately need. 

I wish that we could live in a world where a priest could confess his feelings (hopefully it would only be urges, but likely it would be reported abuse) to his leader, and the leader could arrange for counseling, for therapy, to help them work through it. I really think that, especially at the beginning, these men could be helped in controlling those urges. Attraction towards children is likely never to go away, but at least they could understand why they CANNOT do that, and WHY it's so horrifically wrong for them to hurt children, and that what happened to them as kids (likely) is no less wrong. That THEY are victims too. I also wish that the Catholic church would realize how negative the requirement for celibacy really is, and repeal that. The cycle of pain and suffering just has to end, and it has to start somewhere. It has to start with the church facing their mistakes and taking steps to amend for what has been broken.

Just.. UNNNGHFHGHFH

I am tiiiiired. TIRED TIRED TIRED. I got an okay amount of sleep yesterday, because I napped while Steve took my car for some bday shopping for me, and then let me be a bum and lay there while he played CoD. Then I went to class, and did my pointedly not listening to half of what the professor was saying because it was stupid and I was trying to sift through all her bullshit papers. And then because I was only half listening I had to go to the front as the only person who didn't use the previous half-hour to sign up for a presentation time. Which was much more funny than embarrassing because I always blush like mad, which makes Ana laugh, and make horrified faces at her, which makes her laugh harder. She completely shut down when she thought I had to go up to sign up for the pot luck too, but turns out THAT paper was being passed around (which earned her an even more exaggerated shocked look). Our class had about 10 people yesterday, and anyone who thinks a bigger class is more embarrassing to be in front of, I think you need to rethink the amount of space a small class gets, and because it's so small, it's more intimate in general. And therefore scarier. Oh and she's usually really cute and well-spoken, but when we were doing group work in a study area and were WHISPERING (the area is not a library or even recommended for quiet), this guy kept turning around to glare in our direction. While I would giggle at him every time he did that, Ana got miffed and muttered, "Yeah well he can lick me where I pee!!! *scowl*" Dawnielle was like, "...WHAT?! Where you PEE?!" "Well, it's better than where I poop!" Yes, she 25.

After class I came home and Steve and I took a walk around the horseshoe of the neighborhood because it was really nice out - it's gonna get real cold real soon, and we gotta cherish our warmer days now. Then we layed down for sleep. It would have been a delicious 4-5 hours of sleep, except I kept waking up in a panic thinking I was late for work, and Steve was having very active dreams which caused him to speak out in his sleep at least three times - one is my subject line, another was SINGING about some dream nonsense, and the other I can't remember because I was sleepy too. And I had some weird dream where his ex BFF Andy would hide in the neighborhood and take pictures of him when he was riding his bike XD wtf. I've never even met Andy. When I got up to shower I asked Steve if he wanted to come (we shower together nearly every day - it's one of the places where we can just chat and relax. The shower is not a fun place IRL to for real mess around in) and he said yeah, so I started the shower, got in... did my shampoo... did my conditioner... no Steve? So I hopped out and he was like half sitting up with his eyes half-open, looking confused. I asked him if he was coming and he popped up and walked dazedly to the bathroom. A few minutes later he told me he'd been dreaming that we weren't in the shower yet, but sitting next to each other to wake up, so when I was suddenly in the doorway, wet and wrapped in a towel, it was very surprising. :P Silly boy.
 
I am not motivated for anything but sleep right now! It's all I can think about omg. I already told Steve that I'm probs crashing when I get home until my meeting at 6. Steve doesn't work tonight so he fell back asleep when I left even though he said he didn't want to.

Oh! I finally get to get my hair done tomorrow. I'm meeting Mom and we're going together. After that Steve and I are going to Nick's sister Megan's for a get-together. Some drinking and rock band, although it'll be very low-key. Megan just invited people from Spoogie's wedding party (and me) to hang out since there wasn't really a fun reception or anything. I'm excited because Megan and Ross are super cool. It starts at 7 so I think it'll be over around midnight. Megan and Ross are parents, after all! 

The bento for today was AMAZING. Yum yum yum:
-Rice and sprouts
-Tomagayaki (basically an omelette with nori seaweed and folded cute. I make one with three eggs and cut it in half so we each get 1.5 eggs)
-Red/yellow/orange sweet pepper and sweet onion confit
-Sweet and sour cabbage with soy sauce for dipping
-Half an apple and half a banana

Mmm-mm! Tasty.

TGIF! I'm off for the weekend in less than 5 hours! It's going to be really weird tonight because Steve works tomorrow (aka today-Friday night), and ever since I've known him he's always had Fridays off. But this allows for me to then hang out with our friends if I so desire! I probably will, might as well. I never see them! Maybe I'll see Faith if she comes up from Mankato; haven't seen her in awhile! I think she comes up every weekend to hang out with Pat (her bf/my friend).

basically I've spent my whole night, about 2 hours, doing LJ stuff. So much commenting and replying and messaging! So much words! And I added a new LJ friend who posts tonsss of pictures of her travels in Japan, so of course I need to spend time looking at all of them! ^_^ I scared Steve with the picture she posted of the Japanese wasps/hornets/EVIL BEES that can kill you. They are HUGE. Even I would probably run away, and usually I just have a stare-down with bees, because you know, they need to know who's boss ;) But Steve is basically terrified of all insects/arachnids etc. I don't kill spiders and I feel guilty killing most other insects, except ants and flies (and even then, I might feel *a little* guilty). But this spring we had SOOOO MANY brown spiders running around. It appears that an entire sac survived the winter and they all lived in our basement. That was annoying, having to move so many outside.

(Friends quote break: Rachel: "What?! At least I don't freak out if I see a spider!"
Ross: "Oh yeah! THAT'S the same! I'm sure there are over 30 different species of POISONOUS SWINGS!!"
Referring to Rachel being afraid of geting her hair caught in swings at the park)

It's still pretty chilly around here, like 60-degrees a day. It's really depressing. I love when it stays warm through October and it's not a chore to go to Apple Orchards. I get pretty ornery when I'm cold. :P But I love going apple picking in the fall!!! It hasn't been TOO bad though, because sometimes it's also been pretty humid so it feels nicer than it is. <3 MN humidity. 

Oh my. Stupid people upset me.

After work Steve and I stayed upstairs for a couple hours while I made a lot more bento items - garlic and butter asparagus, miso marinated eggplant, sweet and sour cabbage, and chopped up and soaked some apples for today's bentos. It's so nice having it ready when I leave for work! And Steve was cute and texted me tonight saying all his coworkers were jealous of his awesome bento meal. For some reason I actually put soy sauce on my rice tonight, whereas normally I'm fine eating it plain, as it tempers the saltiness of the other foods.

School continues to go well. I continue to have a strong dislike for my professor, but I was comforted when I remembered I get to evaluate her at the end of the semester. I always put comments in the extra space for them, especially if the professor was great. I plan to let the professor know how condescending and rude she is, because she's one of the higher-ups in the university, and she needs to stop trying to  constantly make us feel like we're an inch tall. The mean age of my class of 10-12 people is probably 35. Stop being such ass, kthx. On a brighter note, I've gotten A's on all of my papers so far, and will probably continue to do so. Despite our clashes, I still know what she wants, and I don't stress like my peers do. One of my group members got *gasp* AN "A MINUS" on her most recent paper, and she was very upset. I bet that was my mom when she took classes at Augsburg. She was ALWAYS fretting about "getting a 4.0" in each class. Not, apparently, realizing that as long as you meet the minimum requirements for graduation, nothing else really matters. People who go to Metro are NOT aspiring to go to grad school at Yale, I promise. Metropolitan State University is a non-traditional small urban school whose demographic is averaging 31 years old. I'm an anomaly, but I've always been more comfortable with people older than I am. Traditional colleges with peers suck. Because my peers like staying in dorms and going to house parties and being drunk and throwing up. No thanks, I'm almost 23, I work in the Big Girl World and kinda feel like you should grow up too.

I got my messenger bag in the mail the other day from gesshoku.org (it's a major weeaboo site and while it has a lot of facepalming attributes, some of the products are GREAT). It's a black messenger bag (HELL with cat hair, gotta keep an eye on it) with "Chu" written in pink hirigana. I looooove it! It's my new purse. I've had the tiniest purse known to man for FAR too long.

On Saturday Steve, Nick and I are going to see Patton Oswald (think... the short guy who lives with his mother on King of Queens). I know he's actually pretty funny, but I can't remember how much of his stuff I've seen. He's been on Comedy Central, that's all I know. But Steve and Nick really like him, so it'll be a fun thing to do. AND because Pat's too poor and Joe Waid's not interested, we actually get Nick to ourselves for once. It's a really rare opportunity  - Steve has already stated that it's not a date with Nick the third wheel; it's we get the privilege to be going on a date with Nick XD He's also joked that if I ever broke up with him for Nick that he wouldn't even feel right being mad. Yes, he loves Nick that much. For the record, I think Steve is NUMBER ONE AMAZING GUY. Nick is just a cool friend to have. He's quiet, moves and talks very deliberately and slowly (quite the opposite of me), will pipe up with some hilarious quip out of the blue but mostly play Disgaea on his DS, and is all-around just nice.

My scarf and the charts I posted on Ravelry are quite popular - posting the charts for free really got the attention. It makes me really happy because I don't want people to have to go through the hell I went through looking for Zelda stuff. I'm still shocked there were no available charts (and the ONE Link chart).

The rest of my work night will entail Kanji-learnin' and watching a movie! Ta!