I guess you're just what I needed

[spritechan]

Sometimes, your friends can give you all the right advice, explain everything just the way you need to hear, and be able to articulate something about yourself that you hadn't been able to put into words. My Suzi did just that for me. I rarely like to go to friends with problems, unless they are major, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is actually really good at listening and providing a lot of the insight that I need. But sometimes, he just can't fill that role.

I have noticed that as my friends grow and develop their own lives, they become more wrapped up in whatever their baggage is, and ask a lot more questions and request opinions than they are willing to reciprocate for. I try really hard to include my experiences in order to show my knowledge on the subject, but I do it in such a way that it won't take away from the topic at hand. It seems as if it goes unnoticed a lot of times, and if I try to bring up something I am confused or wondering about, the topic winds up back about the other person.

Don't get me wrong, I fancy myself a great active listener and I am always willing to help problem-solve when needed, especially the areas of love and sex (among others) as I have a lot of knowledge and experience concerning those two facets. And I definitely do draw in a lot of people who desire advice, help, and thoughts. I love helping out, really I do. But sometimes I (YES, ME) get lost as well, and need someone to pick me up. My excessive feeling of guilt and worry about being a burden often deters me from taking action and I let the problem fester until I have either resolved it, or set it away for the time being.

Even though I felt stupid and silly and immature, I wrote an extensive email to Suzi. She is by far the one who knows me best of my girl friends, even though she lives so heartbreakingly far away. We go back to Junior High, when we were both filled with rage and dark humor. I was so sad that I couldn't visit her this summer as intended, because it would have been amazing (I'm thinking Spring or early Summer next year now??? I'm not sure the cost). Anyway, after sending her the email I felt a lot better having gotten those thoughts off my chest, and continued to wonder what sort of response she'd have.

What she sent me was perfect. Exactly everything I could have wanted and more. She knows that part of my personality to a T, and it was refreshing to have her reinforce the facets of my personality. No one knows the dark side of me like she does, the part who thinks and says things no one would fathom saying out loud. It's just really, really nice to have someone who loves you unconditionally, even when you are at your worst. Thank you for being there for me, I appreciate you far more than you can imagine. <3

Comments

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm really starting to wonder if we were like separated at birth or something weird like that.

I have the same experience. I think of myself as a Problem Solver. Any problem that comes to me, I will find a way to relate to it, and propose a solution, or at least a method to discover a solution. And if there isn't a straight up solution, then I'll try to at least offer some insight. But, because my desire to help is so strong, sometimes it leaves me holding the bag when it comes to problems. People start to hold conversations with me where the only thing they talk about are themselves and their problems.

And there's a running joke that I'm actually God, disguised as a human being, checking out how the mortals are doing. I sometimes really hate it, because it's as if everyone's saying that I don't have any problems that I can't handle.

I don't have the same thing of guilt of being a burden. Instead, it's more just frustration. Whenever I try to get help for a problem of mine, I hit this wall of people saying "I don't know." Or even, "I can't advise YOU. I mean, you're ATHENA. You're the one who knows how to solve things. I always have to come to YOU for advice! I don't know what to say!" Sometimes, really, all I want is for someone to at least try, you know?

I wonder if all people like us have that one person who's just known us forever, and seen us before we were all Super Cool Problem Solvers, and when no one else will help us when we need it, they're the one we run to. =/

(Sorry if this is me unloading on you. I just felt like maybe I'd found someone who could really understand this.)

[miss-ljv.livejournal.com]

Wow, I totally agree! The similarities are endless, it seems! Your description is like exactly how I go about things. And I definitely did NOT feel like you were unloading on me, and see?! It's things like that where it's like "Okay, I'm just telling you this, NOT because I'm complaining or attention-seeking, IT'S JUST INFORMATION." It appears to a fine line sometimes - but I usually only percieve it for myself, or if I know that that is the type of person one is. Otherwise I take exactly as you meant it :) My friends have referred to me as "The Dictionary" or "The All-knowing" :P

[namidanotsuki.livejournal.com]

We get wrapped up in our old baggage as young adults because it's the first time we're allowed to think for ourselves and truly make our own choices. In making those choices, we are often forced to face our own failings. I also kind of feel like it's a time line thing, too. It's hard to reflect on a past that you don't yet have.

I don't want you to be careful about what you say to me. It's really unnecessary and I despise sycophants (not that I believe you are). I try to keep my mouth shut about myself because it hinders people from telling the truth as they see it. Once I insert myself into their way of thinking, they start to self-censor. I don't want that. Don't worry about my feelings, I can handle them.

If you feel like a burden, the solution is simple. Don't ask for help. Or... You could accept that people are naturally selfish. Therefore, in some small way, helping others is self serving. We help others because it fulfills an emotional need. Even if someone actually DOES feel that you're a burden, they're using the act of generosity as a tool to feed their own self-righteousness. Me, I don't help people if I don't want to.

You shouldn't be afraid of your dark thoughts because they are a part of you whether you like it or not. You must face them without someone standing beside you to remind you that you're a good person. You need to KNOW that you're a good person. This is why I spend a lot of time isolated from others. I take time to sit down with my anger and remind it that I rule and not vice versa. It sounds stupid, but the imagery and literal conversation are helpful. You should try personifying your dark side and/or insecurity.

[miss-ljv.livejournal.com]

Oh, believe me, I am a Realist. I don't hide parts of myself from myself, ever, if I can help it. I am all about facing my demons, but I also feel like sometimes I have to share my insight (on myself) with someone, or if I'm really stumped, I feel like another perspective helps me find the answer I'm looking for. I really enjoy that moment where someone tells me how they see it, and it's like *DING!* lightbulb goes off and suddenly I figure it out.

I'd like to think of myself as one who does not often censor, and if I do it's unintentional. I expect my friends to be as open as they are comfortable with, and maybe even more than that, and I try to do the same for them. I feel like everything is so much better with actual comprehension of the person versus just a shadow. I began to censor more after pretty much all of my friends blamed me in some ways for my assault. It was just a bodily shock when I had just a couple people be there for me (one of which my ex-boyfriend, who just was not an ideal candidate for support and the other was Suzi, who lives states away). I think I've grown from that point and therapy helped a lot, but I guess I'm more wary? Part of it is definitely the fear of rejection in the form of being ignored or have the topic be turned away from me, and I'm definitely aware that it's completely my problem to deal with. I don't think it shows on the surface much because I enjoy talking with my friends regardless of whether or not I get attention. And some are better than others of course!