A Heart's a Heavy Burden

I had a conversation with Dad today (not the bio one, natch). He told me he would not fill out my FAFSA unless I fulfilled two conditions:
1. I gave him the amount of money that is on my credit card, and
2. I would only accept the minimum amount offered by the loan people when they gave me my loan offer.

No, thank you, I will not bend to your control-freak will. I calmly told him that I was in charge of my own life. He spent about a half-hour telling me that I have no idea what I'm getting into and that I'm pretty much going to go under when I graduate from all my debt. I am confused about this situation because total I will have about $10,000 taken out in loans when I graduate, not even a full year's worth for most of my peers, who have incurred about 4 years of debt to my going-to-be one and a half. I can't imagine how my peers will survive if I am going to die when I finish school!!! As for my credit card, I only have one, I have less than $1500 as a limit, and as soon as I'm fully out of my apartment I plan on paying it back down to zero. My lack of flipping out is apparently a telltale sign of my lack of understanding of the enormity of the situation. I let him talk down to me for awhile, while trying to keep him at bay when I could, choosing mostly to be complacent.

I had a major flashback to Roy (bio dad) when he suddenly said, with no segue, "How come you never invite ME to lunch? Why only your mom?!"


Okay people, I would like to ask everyone who deals with me to please bring their issues with me up front. I HATE when people hold things in like that and bring them up randomly after picking a fight. Interestingly, Roy and I were fighting about $200 I needed for books for the 2008 school year when he suddenly burst out, "Why wasn't I invited to your graduation?!" (he was, he just forgot when it was and missed it). SO you can see where I find the similarity.

Honestly I don't know why he would want to have lunch with me anyway. Wouldn't it just be awkward? He feels left out, clearly, and I totally get that. However, after our falling out a year and a half ago we just don't really get along. He disagrees nearly completely with the way I'm living my life, though I really don't know why, and we both have distorted images of who the other is because of the climax of the events leading to our falling out. I doubt we'd be having long heart-to-hearts over his hour break. And he works a lot farther away than Mom does. I honestly didn't think about it, because I didn't know we were friends.

Bottom line, really: I need to figure out how to apply for loans without having a completed FAFSA. I wouldn't be receiving any aid anyway because my parents make too much. There has to be a way I can do this on my own. My parents didn't co-sign for my loan, so hopefully it'll be just as easy for next year. I feel more and more that my decision to wait on school until fall is a good idea. Otherwise, if I can't do anything about my schooling because he won't fill out the FAFSA, I might be able to get my bio dad to, and since I'm losing insurance when I turn 23 in November anyway, I am okay putting school off until I can afford it on my own.

After some careful thinking, and putting years between myself and when I needed to make my journal friends-only, I think I will tentatively make my entries public again. I won't go back and make my previous entries public, at least not at this time, but unless I see a reason to make an entry friends-only, I'll try this out and see how it goes.



Steve and I began Leah's Great Exodus today. Although I really feel like he did most of the work and I just sort of sat around deeming things "keep" or "throw." He was an amazing help and allowed me to part with a lot of stuff I don't need. It felt really good to get rid of so much stuff, because I am a very big pack rat. I need someone like him to help pry my pack rat fingers off of garbage I keep because I'm weird.

Speaking of weird, we ran into an interesting situation today. We had some music playing (it was very much in the afternoon so we thought it was okay) when someone started knocking on the door. I immediately became annoyed because I knew it was someone asking us to turn the music down. It was NOT that loud, I assure you. So I, being steadfastly mule-headed, made no move to answer the door. Steve turned down the music and answered it. This is the conversation that ensued:

Old Lady Who Lives Above Me (OLWLAM): "Oh! Uhh... hi! Are you... taking care... of Leah?"

Steve: "...what?" Him of course being a multiple-piercing, bandanna-wearing, disheveled young man. Yes, he IS my caretaker.

OLWLAM: "Oh I just heard Leah was really sick so..."

Steve: "Uhhh...?"

OLWLAM: "Well, anyway, that music is so loud I can't hear my TV (ME IN MY HEAD: Yeah well I can't sleep at night because your tv is on 24/7 and you never sleep and are always stomping around like a troll on the prowl), so could you please turn it down?"

Me, having now gotten up and walked to the door because Grim flipped out on Steve and hissed and ran away: *stare*

OLWLAM: "Oh! Are you Leah? I heard you were sick and moving out!"

Me: "I am moving out yes, but I am not sick."

OLWLAM: "Oh well someone told me that you were really sick and so I was just wondering... but anyway, the music is really loud."

Me: "Okay. I am not sick."

At this point Nero had run out of the door so we ended the conversation and retrieved him.

Okay. What. the hell! For almost the entire time I have been living at my apartment, I have only returned on average once a week to feed the cats, almost always after everyone normal in the world is asleep. I met that old lady ONE TIME right when I moved in. She introduced herself from her deck and I promptly forgot her name. I am not a neighbors person. I much prefer privacy but I am okay with the occasional smile and nod of acknowledgment. Anything beyond that is pushing it. How is it that, out of my HUGE 400-unit complex, there is actually GOSSIP going around about me dying of cancer or something? And people knowing me by name?? Who did she hear this from? The Mexican family of four living in the 1-bedroom to my right? Or the old man who lives above the old lady?!

Weird.


Anyway, Steve and I also walked the mile or so to the local Gamestop, not for purchasing purposes, but to get out and walk, and also to put our PokeWalkers to good use. Because we are nerds. It was very windy though, which made it pretty chilly. Otherwise it was pretty nice out. I can't wait for summer!

Finally, I think I'm going to postpone taking more classes until the fall. I realized a couple of days ago that my FAFSA is yet again not completed, and that it is not within my power to complete it. I can't afford to take more classes without continued loans, and I have no idea how loans would work for the summer. I also would like to continue to try to fight the administration about that "Pre-internship seminar" class they want me to take even though I completed my internship a year ago. The idea of enjoying my summer and finally being able to get a decent second job is much more appealing than stressing out about more classes. I'm not really in a huge hurry to graduate, next fall will be my 6th year in school, and I really wish I could take classes at my leisure as opposed to being required to be full-time status because of an insurance requirement. I've noticed I do much better taking 2 classes as opposed to 3. I've also decided to include my parents less on the things I do in my life. The cycle appears to be one in which I make a decision, relay it to my parents, they disagree with the decision and make me feel guilty and worthless, I probably continue with my original decision and we end up in some sort of feud. I am happier when they are kept on the edge of my radar as opposed to in the nucleus.