Today I put my Big Girl Pants on.

[spritechan]

Literally. I was laying in bed with Steve after I got home from work, naturally sans uncomfortable jeans, and we were dozing. I had a long day at work, and Steve had to go to bed late because he had to take his car in. I heard several thudding sounds and what I thought was yelling. I immediately was awake and on edge, listening very closely. With loud sounds you can almost never tell if someone tripped, dropped something, or got smacked to the floor. I was especially on edge because a few days ago I heard suspicious noises but was unable to confirm whether it was a fight. The second I heard "No, stop" followed by another thud, I popped out of bed, whipped my pants on, and ran (quietly) out the secret back door we have that goes to the rest of the apartments.

This is not a neighborhood where if there's physical violence going on, that you can just go tell them to stop. You're likely to end up in a bad situation yourself. It's definitely the type of neighborhood where everyone mind's their business. This became more obvious to me when I realized that, unlike the apartment we viewed within the complex but a different building, there are two residences on each side, instead of one. That means that if *I* can make out words through the CEILING, the people next to them surely hear more. Anyway, I wanted to again confirm I heard what I thought I heard, so I snuck up to their door. I head what sounded like "I'll slap you again", so I ran back to my apartment and called 911. For some reason, whenever I dial that number, I get the biggest surge of adrenaline EVER. I shake uncontrollably and my voice shakes too.

Three policemen ended up coming out, and I was careful to not be seen (don't want to make enemies). I heard the guy tell them before I was in my apartment (but out of sight) that the noises that were heard "were from a different floor" but he did admit they were arguing. How could he not, when the police entered the house and saw her crying? They stayed for like 10 minutes talking to the couple. I hope she's okay. The thing I've been wondering is, what happens when the cops leave, especially if he can't exactly take it out on her (well, he can, but he hasn't) since she didn't call them. Do they just sit and stare at each other? People in violent relationships don't just then calmly talk things out. I wonder what they do.

I haven't been in a physically violent (romantic) relationship, and the only experience I have personally in couples is where both people are beating the crap out of each other, so they both feed off of that rage. But what about when the one is submissive and crying and being demeaned and threatened? It's awful. While I'm glad I called, I'm still worried about the future for her. And I'm worried I'm going to have to call again, since this is obviously not a one-time thing. I hope I bought her some peace for awhile.

Comments

[vixenofflames.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I will if it comes up in the future. It gives you the ickiest feeling to hear someone getting hit. I was thinking about how I'm kinda surprised no one ever called the cops on me and Dan, because we'd have the loudest shouting matches that if *I* were the neighbor below, I'd be scared for what was happening. I threw stuff at him a few times too, and would shove him if he got too close.

When it's dominant/submissive dynamics versus the rage model, it's like triply times scary. It's a very holy shit moment. The SECOND I knew something was wrong, my blood pressure and heartbeat shot through the roof.

It's also common for women (and men, I suppose) who grow up in that environment to think that's how it's supposed to be. Or, like you said, it's happened so much to them that either they think they can't get any better, or they deserve it, or that getting help won't matter.

I do wish the police came faster, when he was yelling at her as well as the other stuff. By the time they got here, it was much quieter/calmer. Abusers who are seasoned can do their thing while completely calm, which is even more infuriating because then it looks like the woman is just "emotional" and if he doesn't look worked up, obviously nothing MAJOR happened. And black women show bruises less easily, especially if the blows were to the head vs the face or anywhere else.

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

Seriously--the adrenaline spike is incredibly horrible. I seriously cannot ever imagine becoming one of those extreme-sport type people. I HATE that feeling of like really extreme hot or cold blood rushing through you, and then the AFTER effects--my god. Just thinking about it has my heart rate up. D=

And the problem with interfering is that there's no way to know how helpful it will ever be. Even if she gets out of this one...it's just so much more likely that she'll fall into another exact same situation. I guess the trick is to just never let yourself become jaded about it. Even if someone is likely just going to trip into the next ditch, it doesn't mean you just let them to rot in the one they're in. Besides...you never know. This might be the last time, and they'll go onward with their lives in a more positive way.

Well, now that you know there's a history there, and a precedent, when you hear the noises begin, you'll hopefully be able to get the call in faster, and get them there sooner. And cops aren't stupid--they're people too who can notice the details that are there, and they know there's a reason why every time they get a domestic disturbance call they find the woman crying and holding her arms around her stomach, or cradling her head.