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spritechan
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I think it really depends on how the partner acts about it. I've always wanted to know about my boyfriend's exes, for various reasons. With Steve I've almost been obsessed with his past relationships, because I find him fascinating and want to know how he thought and felt and why he did what he did. For example, I originally became obsessed with Sally (his longest relationship) because she is a full 3 years younger than him, and when I realized that they started dating when she was 15 and he was 18, I was appalled and curious in a very morbid way. I just don't get the idea of dating that far apart in the teens, because so much happens. I was obsessed with knowing about his relationship with Courtney because I know Courtney now and find her enjoyable, but when we first started dating she was kind of a bitch about it (so was Sally even though she stole his best friend and cheated on him but whatever).
Steve's always found it kinda creepy that I want to know so much about his exes (for example I found his senior yearbook and Sally is in like half of the pictures in the whole yearbook I SWEAR, which means to me she was quite popular. Steve claims not to know if she was or not, to which I retorted, 'Must be because she was an EIGHTH GRADER when you started hanging out.'), and I'm okay with that. I just like to know everything about EVERYBODY, and that includes exes. I'm incredibly detail-oriented, and Steve is not, which is frustrating for me.
One thing I find interesting is that in all relationships I've had (including flings/fwbs) I've asked and been asked the number of partners one has had. I've been with Steve for almost 2 years, and he's never asked how many partners I've had, and I have made assumptions on the number of his based on his relationships (he's not a "sleep with people you're not committed to" kind of guy). I've always just figured one of our mutual friends told him, but maybe he's just not that interested.
Although, I found it the MOST adorable when, a month or two ago, he accidentally let slip that he got jealous when I would have to go meet Dan in order to trade some of our stuff back. At the time he had acted all, "I trust you and our love and I totally don't care that you're going to see your ex for like half a day, alone at your place. No biggie." and would later make fun of me, as he is wont to do. But when all the shit was going down around my birthday about Dan stealing my WoW account and me trying to get him to replace it, he admitted that he'd been jealous those times but knew they were childish feelings. Ahhh yesss, my boyfriend IS hooman. *smug*
As for me, I've been working on my jealousy issues. I've made A LOT of progress, I think. When I was with Dan (this was for five straight years mind you) I swear our relationship was BUILT from jealousy. He was so ridiculously jealous of everything I did, and I learned to act the same way. He and I did so much shit to each other that made it justified for the other to be suspicious of activities (my.. erm... "supporting" of Nate while he was in Iraq and after he returned, Dan sneaking off to A DIFFERENT STATE to get high and visit his ex, when we were going to different colleges 4 hours apart. Oh, and don't forget all the LYING he did.). With Steve I am not suspicious or worried ever, and he doesn't lie to me - he's got nothing to hide, and neither do I. But for some reason I get into a jealous and bitchy mood, and I know I'm being stupid and will say so and we'll talk about it, but it's still really immature and embarrassing. I'm always trying to fix it though.
All in all, I'd say I think you SHOULD hear about a person's exes, if not to find out the kind of people they date and what kind of person they are, then at least for sexual safety purposes.
I think it really depends on how the partner acts about it. I've always wanted to know about my boyfriend's exes, for various reasons. With Steve I've almost been obsessed with his past relationships, because I find him fascinating and want to know how he thought and felt and why he did what he did. For example, I originally became obsessed with Sally (his longest relationship) because she is a full 3 years younger than him, and when I realized that they started dating when she was 15 and he was 18, I was appalled and curious in a very morbid way. I just don't get the idea of dating that far apart in the teens, because so much happens. I was obsessed with knowing about his relationship with Courtney because I know Courtney now and find her enjoyable, but when we first started dating she was kind of a bitch about it (so was Sally even though she stole his best friend and cheated on him but whatever).
Steve's always found it kinda creepy that I want to know so much about his exes (for example I found his senior yearbook and Sally is in like half of the pictures in the whole yearbook I SWEAR, which means to me she was quite popular. Steve claims not to know if she was or not, to which I retorted, 'Must be because she was an EIGHTH GRADER when you started hanging out.'), and I'm okay with that. I just like to know everything about EVERYBODY, and that includes exes. I'm incredibly detail-oriented, and Steve is not, which is frustrating for me.
One thing I find interesting is that in all relationships I've had (including flings/fwbs) I've asked and been asked the number of partners one has had. I've been with Steve for almost 2 years, and he's never asked how many partners I've had, and I have made assumptions on the number of his based on his relationships (he's not a "sleep with people you're not committed to" kind of guy). I've always just figured one of our mutual friends told him, but maybe he's just not that interested.
Although, I found it the MOST adorable when, a month or two ago, he accidentally let slip that he got jealous when I would have to go meet Dan in order to trade some of our stuff back. At the time he had acted all, "I trust you and our love and I totally don't care that you're going to see your ex for like half a day, alone at your place. No biggie." and would later make fun of me, as he is wont to do. But when all the shit was going down around my birthday about Dan stealing my WoW account and me trying to get him to replace it, he admitted that he'd been jealous those times but knew they were childish feelings. Ahhh yesss, my boyfriend IS hooman. *smug*
As for me, I've been working on my jealousy issues. I've made A LOT of progress, I think. When I was with Dan (this was for five straight years mind you) I swear our relationship was BUILT from jealousy. He was so ridiculously jealous of everything I did, and I learned to act the same way. He and I did so much shit to each other that made it justified for the other to be suspicious of activities (my.. erm... "supporting" of Nate while he was in Iraq and after he returned, Dan sneaking off to A DIFFERENT STATE to get high and visit his ex, when we were going to different colleges 4 hours apart. Oh, and don't forget all the LYING he did.). With Steve I am not suspicious or worried ever, and he doesn't lie to me - he's got nothing to hide, and neither do I. But for some reason I get into a jealous and bitchy mood, and I know I'm being stupid and will say so and we'll talk about it, but it's still really immature and embarrassing. I'm always trying to fix it though.
All in all, I'd say I think you SHOULD hear about a person's exes, if not to find out the kind of people they date and what kind of person they are, then at least for sexual safety purposes.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 11:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 12:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 07:32 pm (UTC)I also think that as an emotion, jealousy is somewhat healthy. If you really, really aren't jealous, then maybe it's because you just don't CARE enough to be jealous. Also, learning how to deal with jealousy is a worthwhile endeavor, and something useful for all walks of life. Grass is greener to when your current significant other befriends a prior ex.
But, I think just knowing what someone used to do, and is trying to do now, is a good way of judging their character. I think that it says a lot about someone if they say, "My previous relationship was like one gigantic jealousy spaz fight, where everthing revolved around our jealous feelings," and then continue, "In my current relationship, one of the last things I want to motivate our intimacy is my jealousy, and I'm getting it under control," then you know that they're the kind of person who learns and grows from their decisions. =)
no subject
Date: 2011-01-08 03:45 am (UTC)The way I see it, you can't stop people from screwing you over no matter how much you think you know about them. So, why worry? If someone is going to betray me, there isn't much that I can do to stop them.
In the long run, the blood is on their hands, not mine. They get to live with what they've done. I feel glad for the ones who can emotionally grow as a result of it, and I pity the ones who don't realize how they've stunted their own emotional growth.
The bottom line is that I don't walk through life worried about when people are going to hurt me because I know it's inevitable. I'd have better luck telling the sky not to rain.