In which I am introspective and probably rambly.

[spritechan]

I spend a lot of time on the internet reading blogs about how to be a better person. Or being on school websites on how to be a more "educated" person. Or on tumblr about how to be a funnier person. But mostly I read about other people's lives and compare them to my own and try to figure out what I can learn about myself in order to be a happier, more fulfilled person.

Because to be quite honest, I experience anhedonia more than I think I should. I haven't yet figured out if it's just my brain being bored/not stimulated enough, or if it's because I haven't found what makes me *truly* happy.

I often find myself discussing with people who revere the things I've done in my life (things like becoming a CNA and taking care of old people, working with children with autism, working in group homes, working with the mentally ill on a deep level) and feeling silly. Silly because they think I am a "special kind of person" and all the amazing differences I have made in people's lives. When I left MHR, I struggled with massive guilt because I had clients frantically calling me to make sure they got to tell me how much they enjoyed having me as a case manager and what I meant to them.

This does not help my guilt because when I am working with people, I genuinely feel that while I am *good* at it, I am pretty much phoning it in. Maybe I AM a special kind of person. The horrible kind where you look like you genuinely care, and do in fact on a deep level, but because of the stress and constant letdowns you force yourself to close off these feelings for further examination and experience at a different time when it is not immediately affecting you. The kind of person who actually feels impatient after working with a certain type of people for awhile because you already have been through this a thousand times. And yet somehow my indifference goes unnoticed and apparently is received as heartfelt concern.

Ugh, I'm being hard on myself. But that's really how I feel like I get. I get to a point where I start convincing myself that I don't care and everything about the people I work with annoys the shit out of me.

Relevant because I've been seriously looking into Special Ed. licensure programs (I need to amend to state that I can't actually get a Master's in anything Teaching without a license, and if I get a Special Ed license it will, in effect, make me eligible for any future teaching degrees and legally able to teach in the U.S.) and even completed a FAFSA. I think if I choose this program I will go to Bethel as it seems to fit these needs the best.

But.

I am deeply unsure if I should have a career working with people because it's what I'm good at vs something that I don't get burned out on after 6 months. I am very concerned and stressed about this issue. Why must everything burn me out? Is it something I'M doing, or the work, or what? Hau~   -_-

I am definitely discussing this on the walk tonight with Steve.

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(Click like 4 times to make it the correct size in LJ's weird link system)

Comments

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

I think on the happiness front you should consider seeing a therapist, or a psychiatrist (not psychologist) to determine if it could be related to anything going on in your head. Getting your thyroid checked, or checking your serotonin levels could let you know if it's you, your brain, or your life (or at least give you a clue). Just something to think about.

I can also sympathize with the sort of break between how you really feel and how people think you feel. I've always been able to hide my actual feelings towards work when I'm there, and it's lead a lot of people to believe that I'm enjoying myself when I actually hate or don't give a crap about what I'm doing.

All I can say is that in all these cases, I may have initially cared about what I was doing, but the environment or people I worked with destroyed positive feelings and left a type of apathy or hatred behind. This has been true for school subjects as well (Spanish, Psychology, World Religions, etc). Each subject interested me, and I may even still like two of them, but horrible teachers/professors or program overwhelmed that interest. This makes me feel less like your complaint is unreasonable or strange. You may just not have found the right environment, even if you've found the right interests.

Also, your resolutions all sound reasonable, but it'll probably help both you and Steve a lot to also resolve to make some very specific goals (haha, resolve to resolve!). I've learned with losing weight and money that the importance is in the details. Like for us, rather than just a goal of "eat out less" it was "spend less than $40 a week on eating out" and at another time it was "limit one meal out a week." Once we knew what we were doing we could plan accordingly (like, do we go out to Chipotle 2-3 times that week, or do we go out for Siam Thai Village once for the $40 limit). Of course, this is just a suggestion of what worked for us--I'm sure you'll find out what works best for you two.

[vixenofflames.livejournal.com]

I've thought about it, and I've seen three therapists in the past, but I don't really think this is a "fix" thing. I think it's more like, my outlook and personality and temperament. I appreciate the offer though, and would not be against it if I thought it was an issue like that.

I can't imagine what interests I might be missing. I've been systematically eliminating interests since as long as I can remember in an attempt to narrow it down. I know what my core competencies are, but not exactly how I want to apply them. I get frustrated reading books because they are often written for people in like, desk jobs (even when the author in question writes for a living). Teachers will get a passing mention, but social services and other jobs where PEOPLE are the "projects/work" appear to generally not exist. Which doesn't help me try to draw comparisons and come up with applications to my own life. And what you're describing with the "right interests/wrong environment" is definitely discussed in a particular book I'm reading. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, haha.

Oh, I certainly recognized the issue of specificity in our plan - I WAS just previously a case manager, after all. XD I am experiencing a definite reaction and NOT wanting to get too specific, probably partly due to my prior job and having to force people to come up with specific, measurable goals and partly due to the fact that I'm not feeling like being particularly restrictive with myself at this time. None of these things are DIRE so it's not a huge deal. We just wanted something cute to record our general plans. :) We've had far more focused goals in the past, and I imagine we will in the future as well!

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

It's totally possible that you're right, and it's an outlook and past experiences and head-space issue, rather than something that someone can just walk in and point to in order to say, Yes! If you just flip that switch, all will be well. But, someday down the line you may want to make sure to rule out biology as a factor, especially for peace of mind regarding your dad's current situation. Still, no reason to bust out the big guns before you try on your own to discover what "it" is.

I would definitely say that interests are really tricky to narrow down. After all, I have a fabulous example with my mom's teaching career. For one thing, she majored in English the first time around, and wanted to teach high school. However, when she TAed for a classroom as part of the qualifying for credentials and the like at 21-years-old, she felt as if she'd picked the wrong path entirely. She felt that she wasn't "old enough" to teach anyone, and that it wasn't right for her. Turns out that she would later go on to become a teacher in all levels EXCEPT high school (elementary, middle, and college), and that she'd teach the two subjects that were the most boring to her in school (science and math) and LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. And one of the things she loved MOST was teaching Special Ed, and it was the class that she had to take in her Master's Program that she complained about needing to take A LOT (the mature woman version of "Why do I need to take this? I don't have retarded children, nor do I plan on teaching any" attitude).

So, sometimes you won't actually know what interests you until you do it...and do it at the right time, in the right place, with the right mindset. I know that having children made my mom feel a lot more confident and happy about teaching, and it showed her that she was good at it, too. She also didn't know how great she'd be with animals until she signed up to be a dog groomer, and ended up helping to retrain damaged dogs as well. You can examine my mom's interests and find that a huge majority of them weren't there until she did them at the right moment, and sometimes she just spontaneously lost them (she loved gardening as a 20-something-year-old right up until she hit about 40, then all interest in it dropped off the face of the earth).

What I'm really trying to say is to make sure that you give yourself a break in your search to find That Thing That Makes You Tick, and to acknowledge in the same way that there may not be The One True Love in our lives, so there may also not be that One Career for us either. Even though it may appear to others that you flit from one interest to another, and get bored or burnt out easily, just think of yourself as the career equivalent of 60s Free Love Flower Child (XD).

As for plan, I think you guys should totally do whatever is going to work for you, especially here and now. As you can see, I'm a believer simultaneously about being clear about what you want, and having a plan, as well as being open to whatever floats your way and working with "guidelines" rather than rules. And the real factor that you and I both know is what counts is how much you really want to do the thing you're saying you'll do--oh sure, you can write on your calendar your goals of doing 100 squats, 30 minutes of yoga, and 45 minutes of jogging every other day, but if you don't really intend to do more than just do a few sit ups and push ups before bed a few times a week when you find the extra time and energy, then you may as well have just made the goal "Exercise some during the week" and left it at that. Just because your goal is specific doesn't mean it will magically come true, right? (Oh, if that were true, I'd have been wearing a size 3 in jeans, and had serious man-gun-arms before getting pregnant, haha.) So, as long as you're doing what it is you want to be doing, I don't think there's any need to change how you two are going about it. =D