I've been thinking...

But before I get into a long entry... I've gotta say.

I'm not sure I can ever have any contact alone or drunk with Isaiah ever again. I honestly have a serious problem when it comes to him. You know there's something wrong when you look at a guy, in any picture, and think, "I would seriously spend forever in bed with him." Because I would. It would be amazing. And I'm afraid that, no matter what's going on in my relationship scene, I would do anything to be alone with him. He told me once that he doesn't find himself physically attractive (he especially hates his smile). I wish I had chosen to emphasize that he's so fucking hot I can barely stand myself.

Which actually brings me to another story where I couldn't control myself.

There are a few people on this planet that I feel an insanely intense physical attraction to. Isaiah is clearly one of them. And Gleb was another.

Gleb and I met in, oh, 8th or 9th grade. I was instantly attracted to his charm, his accent, and the way he looked at me. And now that I'm older, I think I have a thing for Russians. But Gleb was the only Russian I'd ever really talked to. And for those of you who know him, he's not a god looks-wise. But there was something about him that I really really liked. I even found his beady eyes and funny nose extremely cute. But really, it was how he treated me.

When I started getting closer to him, I was 15 and trying to figure out my feelings for Dan Dugan and trying to figure out if I even had any for Eric. Lizz whatsherface was dating him and would tell me while we changed for gym class that he was a lousy lay and that he was small. I just marveled because I wouldn't have sex for the first time until another 6 months or so later. Gleb and I happened to have Drama class together and he would take many opportunities to be near me, and I ate it all up.

Okay, not really. I'd wear my tight jeans and shirt (I was of course still woefully flat but my ass was always there), hoping he'd notice - of course I also hoped certain other guys would check me out - I was always a horny bitch. I'd be talking to a friend and he'd sidle up and start being totally inappropriate. I remember one time I was wearing one of my favorite outfits and totally in a conversation with someone else when he came up and started touching all over my ass. While alarmingly turned on I pretended like I wasn't phased and just kept removing his hand. But seriously, it was awesome.

That was only one of many times boys did weird shit to me.

And then life took over - he dropped out, I dated around, lost my virginity, dated Eric for 7 months. But I had found him working at the pet store when I went there one time with Chad Gustafson and John Roemer. I have no idea when this was, because it was definitely before I met Dan. It had to be Spring of 2004. All my old feelings for him were there, but I never thought he had ever had an actual interest in me. So I didn't pursue anything.

After seeing him a couple times at the pet store, once or twice at DQ, he sort of fell off the map. But I never forgot.

And then that fateful day came. Dan and I were extremely rocky. I was at work, and I was bored as hell in Rising Waters. I was practically falling asleep on the counter when I saw him saunter around the corner with some of his friends. I practically screamed his name, and when he recognized me his whole face lit up and he came right over. We hugged - he smelled delicious, as usual. I was practically giddy I was so happy to see him. We exchanged numbers, but I didn't think anything would really happen after that. A coworker later told me he heard them talking about me while in passing sometime later (in a flattering way).

After work I offhandedly mentioned to Dan about running into him, and he immediately basically told me that I wasn't to see Gleb. I was already pissed at Dan to begin with, AND I knew he was right, so I blew up at him and told him I'd see anyone I wanted to. And when Gleb called, I invited him right over. Of course, kid doesn't have a vehicle so I went to pick him up. He looked adorable, smelled amazing, and brought me a rose. It was really sweet. We talked about this and that before going to my house. I really didn't want to be hanging around my family, so we decided to take a walk.

We walked up to Lion's Park and around the whole area like three times. We talked about everything - life, family, school (remember how he's going through such a hard time with Vlad in jail over that car accident). I can't remember who started taking things further, but it probably was me. I think one of us told the other about a huge crush. I honestly don't remember if he said it first and then I reciprocated, or the other way around. I just remember him looking at me. And saying softly that he never thought I looked twice at him.

We held hands and left the playground - it was getting late, and the cops would be sweeping by soon. We went to a bench, and things started getting heavier. We were still just talking, but his hands and eyes definitely roamed. I dressed to impress, and he was eating it right up. It started with looks, and comments - like, "God if only I could..." and "Just one time I wanna..." - most of which were left like that, open-ended. Eventually he sat me on his lap. And I was actually really surprised to find that he was not stabbing me through his pants. I mentioned this, and he said (with some satisfaction, I'm sure) that he's good at not "getting excited" in front of people unless he wants to. Of course, I took that as a sort of challenge.

I let his hands explore. I loved those hands. They were strong and he had nice long fingers. He was a major ego-booster. I still wasn't doing anything on my end, physically, because I kept reminding myself that while I had been planning on breaking up with Dan, I actually hadn't yet. I hadn't been expecting Gleb to call the same night. I was, however, verbally egging him on. When it got dark, we began to walk back to the road to get home. Instead of continuing to the road, though, we stopped in this oddly placed bunch of trees right by the road and the park that provide a lot of cover for anyone who wants to be naughty in public and avoid the cops/other people. I'm still in awe of this today.

I had pushed him to his limit, apparently. He begged me for sex. I told him I wasn't sure. He said I could give him a blowjob instead. I said I didn't want to cheat. He kissed me. "There. You cheated." And sat on the ground. We definitely sat in this very awkward way for a good two minutes while I worked it out in my head. The bottom line, I knew, is that I would do it. It was just a matter of when I would get the guts to follow through. If I'm completely honest, in most situations I can't (or won't) say no.

(And it's been proven that even when I do say no it means nothing to them. But that's a whole different story.)

So he released himself. Whatever Lizz had said, he had grown since the time he was 15. Very sizable, though not the most attractive penis I've seen. Nice and thick though. I began to give him head, and it was probably one of the hottest sessions I've had. He kept moaning compliments in my direction, and it's always the hottest thing ever to hear a person moan your name.

I guess it became too much to handle because suddenly he was up. We were standing, him still out of his pants. He unbuttoned my pants, slid a hand in. His penis rubbed against my belly-button area. Smooth. He felt around me, and there was a humorous moment when he asked what kind of underwear I was wearing. I was wearing panties, but they were sexy. I showed him. "I never knew panties could be so hot!" He bit my ass. It felt amazing. We looked at each other a split-second longer before he demanded me on the ground and began pushing me there (very hot, might I add). One of my favorite moments during sex is that first entry. It always feels irresistably good. We started in a sort of missionary, but I don't think it gave him the control he wanted. This was clearly a very animal, raw thing, and I was loving every minute of it. He flipped me over onto my knees. I'm not going to lie, it was so good. He was grabbing and squeezing my back, my hips, my butt. I was just feeling taking all of him in - he was formidable, but not too much, and I'd had the same average-sized dick for nearly four years! Mmm. I remember the smell of pine filled my nostrils as I bent my front half low to the ground, and the dead needles were digging into my knees. It started to sprinkle. Suddenly he pulled out, and I whipped around to see him ejaculating on the ground, leaving me burning for more but appreciative of the gesture.

Seriously, how fucking thoughtful. I've never had a guy do that before.

He apologized for not making it longer, and described the way would have wanted it to go had we had all night and had it been planned. We held hands on the walk home, discussing the night's events. He asked me why I didn't like giving blowjobs. I said, "I never said I didn't like giving them. I asked what if I didn't like giving them?" It had been one of my stall tactics. "Well, I've gotten my share of head, and that was seriously the best head I've ever gotten." I DO aim to please, but it's nice to hear that from guys anyway.



I would sleep with him one other time, but after that I haven't seen him since. I think it's a good thing. Conquer and move on seems to be the way to do it. Maybe that's why I'm not over my crush on Isaiah - because I didn't conquer him. Even though I know I shouldn't. I could, though. And that kills me! Best makeout session of my life.