In which I am introspective and probably rambly.

[spritechan]

I spend a lot of time on the internet reading blogs about how to be a better person. Or being on school websites on how to be a more "educated" person. Or on tumblr about how to be a funnier person. But mostly I read about other people's lives and compare them to my own and try to figure out what I can learn about myself in order to be a happier, more fulfilled person.

Because to be quite honest, I experience anhedonia more than I think I should. I haven't yet figured out if it's just my brain being bored/not stimulated enough, or if it's because I haven't found what makes me *truly* happy.

I often find myself discussing with people who revere the things I've done in my life (things like becoming a CNA and taking care of old people, working with children with autism, working in group homes, working with the mentally ill on a deep level) and feeling silly. Silly because they think I am a "special kind of person" and all the amazing differences I have made in people's lives. When I left MHR, I struggled with massive guilt because I had clients frantically calling me to make sure they got to tell me how much they enjoyed having me as a case manager and what I meant to them.

This does not help my guilt because when I am working with people, I genuinely feel that while I am *good* at it, I am pretty much phoning it in. Maybe I AM a special kind of person. The horrible kind where you look like you genuinely care, and do in fact on a deep level, but because of the stress and constant letdowns you force yourself to close off these feelings for further examination and experience at a different time when it is not immediately affecting you. The kind of person who actually feels impatient after working with a certain type of people for awhile because you already have been through this a thousand times. And yet somehow my indifference goes unnoticed and apparently is received as heartfelt concern.

Ugh, I'm being hard on myself. But that's really how I feel like I get. I get to a point where I start convincing myself that I don't care and everything about the people I work with annoys the shit out of me.

Relevant because I've been seriously looking into Special Ed. licensure programs (I need to amend to state that I can't actually get a Master's in anything Teaching without a license, and if I get a Special Ed license it will, in effect, make me eligible for any future teaching degrees and legally able to teach in the U.S.) and even completed a FAFSA. I think if I choose this program I will go to Bethel as it seems to fit these needs the best.

But.

I am deeply unsure if I should have a career working with people because it's what I'm good at vs something that I don't get burned out on after 6 months. I am very concerned and stressed about this issue. Why must everything burn me out? Is it something I'M doing, or the work, or what? Hau~   -_-

I am definitely discussing this on the walk tonight with Steve.

---------



(Click like 4 times to make it the correct size in LJ's weird link system)

Comments

[silver-tiamat.livejournal.com]

I think on the happiness front you should consider seeing a therapist, or a psychiatrist (not psychologist) to determine if it could be related to anything going on in your head. Getting your thyroid checked, or checking your serotonin levels could let you know if it's you, your brain, or your life (or at least give you a clue). Just something to think about.

I can also sympathize with the sort of break between how you really feel and how people think you feel. I've always been able to hide my actual feelings towards work when I'm there, and it's lead a lot of people to believe that I'm enjoying myself when I actually hate or don't give a crap about what I'm doing.

All I can say is that in all these cases, I may have initially cared about what I was doing, but the environment or people I worked with destroyed positive feelings and left a type of apathy or hatred behind. This has been true for school subjects as well (Spanish, Psychology, World Religions, etc). Each subject interested me, and I may even still like two of them, but horrible teachers/professors or program overwhelmed that interest. This makes me feel less like your complaint is unreasonable or strange. You may just not have found the right environment, even if you've found the right interests.

Also, your resolutions all sound reasonable, but it'll probably help both you and Steve a lot to also resolve to make some very specific goals (haha, resolve to resolve!). I've learned with losing weight and money that the importance is in the details. Like for us, rather than just a goal of "eat out less" it was "spend less than $40 a week on eating out" and at another time it was "limit one meal out a week." Once we knew what we were doing we could plan accordingly (like, do we go out to Chipotle 2-3 times that week, or do we go out for Siam Thai Village once for the $40 limit). Of course, this is just a suggestion of what worked for us--I'm sure you'll find out what works best for you two.