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spritechan) wrote2010-10-29 03:37 am
Writer's Block: When I grow up
Bahhh. Bahahaha! Oh did they!
Just kidding. Overall I think I was raised pretty well; it's in raising me to be independent and think for myself that got them into trouble. My stepdad especially was not prepared for me to challenge him on anything when I became an adult. We've been in this limbo where if I do something wrong, I'm not acting like an "adult." However, if I stand up to him in any way, he tries to force me into a child's role, because that's where he's comfortable.
Looking at my actual childhood. Hmm. I suppose things I considered normal in my family, aren't? That's a stupid statement anyway because every family is different, but looking back I think I was punished far more harshly than I deserved. I didn't get nearly as much slack as my siblings (I'm the oldest), and I spent a good deal of my childhood grounded and in my room for minor infractions, including but not limited to:
-being up past my bedtime
-not getting all A's
-as a teenager, coming home more than 5 minutes past curfew
-arguing/disagreeing
-not having chores done by 6pm
-self-injurous behavior
-hanging out with people after school without getting permission first (this all through my school years, even as a teenager)
-getting kicked out and then not coming home when demanded to
Eh. I'm whining now, but I definitely feel as if I was treated unfairly, especially when compared to my sister. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister more than life. And she got into worse situations than I did. There were a few times where things got physical with my mom and stepdad, but it was limited to pushing and the occasional belly bop. Bethany got into apparent fist fights with them (this was after I moved to Duluth), would leave for days at a time, and stopped going to school at 15.
My little brother though, I think in some ways he has it better than the two of us did, and some ways definitely worse. They give him a lot of attention and opportunities that they couldn't afford when I was growing up, such as piano lessons, multiple sports (and multiple teams at the same time if it's baseball - and youth sports is NOT cheap), they go to many events together and attend all of his games (and Paul coaches his football team). He has video game systems and his own tv, a decent bed, and actually gets to have friends over (I only got to have friends over on birthdays, and only 2 max). On the other hand, Paul is extremely hard on him about his weight as Paul is overweight and doesn't want August to turn out the same way. He gets bullied for getting dessert as well as how much or what he eats. Shit, let him be a kid! He's 12! They're hard on him about school too, but he's just starting to get into real school - he's in 6th grade.
We all got tons of shit for who we were friends with. My parents think they get to judge and criticize our friend choices, and apparently the best way to help you choose the "right" crowd is through bitching whenever whatever disapproved of friendship comes up. I hung out with burnouts, true, but I didn't do any drugs or drink until I was 20. I also am a more accepting and less judgmental person than they are, so I hung out with anyone I felt like as long as they're not assholes. When they became assholes, I stopped hanging out with them. Unfortunately, I think my parents took those as personal victories and meant that their bullying was effective. Bethany hung out with people they didn't like just to spite them, and people like Sarah turned out to be good. August is so young, and I really feel for him, having Paul breathing fire down his neck for hanging out with jerks. All boys are jerks at that age. He's popular; let him be. It'll work itself out.
The other biggest mistakes they made with me were:
1. The way they handled my self injurious behavior as a teen
2. The way they handled when I was sexually assaulted
The latter of the two however was as an adult and has had long-lasting effects on my day-to-day life and thinking, and it's been 2 years this month. I think that they consider it a closed case and have dusted their hands of the matter, but it deeply affects me regularly and has permanently damaged our relationship (moreso with my stepdad). I feel like a broken record, because I think about it so much it's almost as if I talk about it a lot too. I don't THINK I do, but it does relate to a lot of things in my present life. I've tried a few times to bring it up again for closure purposes, or to try again to get my point across (and ask a few questions to discover motives for why they/he behaved in such a manner - such as the name-calling, blaming, and breaking into my LJ to find out who I'm sleeping with wtf and demanding to know if I slept with Gleb wth do either of those have to do with anything?), but it always turns into near-immediate yelling on Paul's part and trying to say I'm holding a grudge and want to make sure he's never absolved of his mistakes, etc. etc. instead of just listening to me.
As for my biological dad and stepmom, they were great. The biggest problems really were between them. They let us work most things out on our own, and while Pam is overprotective (and we were naive), we got incredible freedom that we rarely abused. Some of my fondest memories are with my sister and stepbrothers at the house in Columbia Heights. I suppose then they messed up in being too permissive, but honestly, with three highly rebellious boys, I don't see that it could have been done differently. They're all living with their choices, and not doing worse than any other average Joe. I can only think of one or two real times that my dad felt like punishing me, and it was a joke punishment, and he was just trying to show that he was the one in charge. Unlike my mom and stepdad, he was a Threatener, so I have no negative memories of him physically hurting me. I was spanked all the time by the other two. Mostly we just argued about politics :D
In sum, I turned out pretty well, I'd say. I'm not a drug addict, I rarely drink, I'm graduating college (and it only took me so long because I wasn't afraid to change majors, and because I made a few poor choices when depressed), have a Real Job, haven't lived at home in years, and am in a healthy, wonderful relationship. The effects of the way I was raised... I think I'm a little neurotic in some ways and I get stressed easily, but I also developed a wonderful sense of pride in things that I do without taking myself too seriously. I also recently developed an optimism to counteract the pessimism I had to be around. In order to balance the judgmental nature of my parents (though they always TAUGHT me not to judge. Do as I say not as I do!) I am much less judgmental than they are. Maybe they worsened with age, maybe I just never noticed. I realized my parents aren't all-knowing. I have an extremely high level of disclosure because I don't like to lie and they asked a lot of questions growing up. I'm intelligent, have a good sense of humor, and understand responsibility. No parents are perfect, you just have to try to screw up your kid less than the next guy.
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I can relate to the physical stuffs too. I only have one trigger point and that's when someone raises their hand to me. My dad didn't think much of that, so that ended in a lot of altercations. I exercised frantically as a teenager and was absolutely freakishly, dangerously strong. It usually didn't end well, for him that is.
I agree that until a child either turns 18 or moves out, their parents should get to say who is allowed in their home. I wouldn't criticize their friends, though. I would simply explain my reasons for not allowing them to be friends and forbid the friendship. Granted, I would never do that for something trivial like so n' such has a potty mouth. It would have to be fairly serious.
However, once they move out, I'd never seriously try and control them at that level. That's silly. If you have your own means and you're responsible for yourself, then it's time to take responsibility for all your choices, which implies having the right to befriend whomever you want. After all, even if I ended up being right, it wouldn't do much good until they learned on their own how to become a better judge of character.
As for your step dad, I wouldn't worry about the closure. I told my father that one day I was going to leave home for good. Jess would eventually move out and my grandma can't be long for this world at 93. I asked him what he would do when he found himself desperately alone because he shoved away all the people who once cared for him. He had no answer. He called me out of the blue one day 3 years later to tell me I was right. All I am saying is that people come around whether they want to or not.
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My parents didn't like my friends because they were "mean" or "rude" or "whiny" or any adjective that is negative. Which is true of all girls to some extent. They didn't like my sister's bff because she was shady; a liar/someone slippery (though I really don't think it was as bad as they remember), and they don't like my brother's friends because they pick on peers (...as if this is an uncommon thing? I don't condone bullying, but boys tease other kids their own age, even if it's stupid and annoying.)
My stepdad is just... an odd duck. He's the guy who, even though I called him 'dad' for 12+ years, to this day talks about how "all the stepparenting books say to stay on the fringe with the stepkids" and other such bullshit even though he very obviously didn't do that. But will talk about it like that's his role. Ridiculous. So he has issues with boundaries and disclosure, and clearly has not adjusted well to letting me be an adult. Which sucks for him because I have always been my own person, so really it shouldn't be as hard as he's making it for himself.
I'm definitely working on not dwelling. I'm just being butthurt about it. I know it will work itself out someday, and in the meantime I'm on good terms with everyone :)