spritechan: (Lost - Locke jealous island speaks to me)
So... Being too busy has begun to get to me, heh. On Sunday night I got more anxious than I have been in quite some time and I didn't fall asleep until just before Steve came to bed around 3am (He took a 5-day weekend to use up his remaining vacation time before the year ends), and then of course when he woke me up the anxiety cycle restarted. I ended up calling in Monday and yesterday, to catch my breath and also to spend some time with Steve. I mean, I still had school on Monday, and I had a chiro appointment that I ultimately skipped, but it was still good to actually get sleep on not be stressed with the new trimester. I'm definitely over all the rules and controlling of Bath and Body works. I can't wait to be done. I just am not interested in the way it's run, especially with that one manager I simply can't stand. She's rude. And omg my time is so busy. Ughhghghhghhh.

So instead I got to play copious amounts of Rock Band 3!

Pat told me yesterday that it was "refreshing" to have someone who consistently wanted to do vocals. I was surprised because I feel like a bossy twat whenever I'm on vocals, simply because I don't like to do anything else. Guitar Hero I can play on guitar, and I was quite good at it at one point when I lived at Dan's parent's house and played with Michael, but for some reason it just isn't the same on Rock Band. Probably because there's soooo much repetition of notes versus variety. I just HATE the guitar. And let's face it, I am not a drummer. I like to sing, and I can USUALLY figure out pitch. Whenever ANYONE (usually female) asks to sing when I'm being vocals, I get all stiff like they think I'm hogging them and I need to share. I think I might be paranoid. XD

That 70's Show is so good. We've switched back to that being out background show. And omg Breaking Bad is amazing. We finally started the 5th season and it's GREAT.

I'm dyeing my hair Christmas colors this time... I was originally going to do a pink/green/purple or pink/green/blue combo, but then Steve pointed out that it's the holidays, so we got some red and I'm working on the colors right now! I'll post a pic when finished.

When I was at school on Monday, the professor asked for a show of hands who planned to do the hybrid program (mostly online), or the traditional program (once a week face-to-face). Most people raised their hands at hybrid. The class was about half that of when we started. This is due to a combination of people dropping out of the program with a smattering of people who didn't need the course. It was weird. My 3 favorite people were still in it, so I sat by them this time so I didn't have to get stuck with annoying guy. Anyway, during the break one of the students talked with the professor about the differences in the programs, and apparently the professor told them that while the face-to-face program does require the attendance commitment, there's a lot less busy work and most of the work is done in class. Ugh. WHYYY SO MEAN!?!?!? I mean, I get it. They want to make sure students are learning when not attending class so they assign a bunch of things. Is attending a class once a week a good trade-off for not having a ton of independent work? I'm so torn!

P.S. the urologist called back with my test results and said that even though my numbers were far improved, I was still showing some of that bacteria they don't want, so it's back to no sex for a couple weeks and a mega dose of medication. AND another follow-up appointment. Woo.

Oh god.

Nov. 26th, 2012 10:07 pm
spritechan: (I have to go sit in my house by myself)
It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.
spritechan: (Default)
Apparently even if my old colleagues really want me at MHR, administration doesn't. I appear to have burned a bridge with them by leaving, and it hurts something fierce. But! In my sorrow I have applied to a minimum of 17 other jobs since Friday or so. I HAVE to have a different job before the end of the month or I might go crazy. It would be awesome if I could just take some time off when school starts and look for jobs then, but we need my piddly income for any 'fun' stuff we may do. Sigh... In the meantime, I desire to burst into tears/storm out at least three times a day. Woot!


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

spritechan: (Friends - Moo Point)
It's amazing that, after several horrible weeks with temperatures 95 degrees or above, a day where it's 84 degrees at its hottest point doesn't even make me break a sweat. In the morning it was 78 and it felt downright chilly. Such is the power of acclimation.

I've been spending my time over the past couple days reading It by Stephen King, mostly because it's been smiling slyly at me for many a moon, and artly because sooo many people had a cow during and after reading it. I'm skeptical of their loud views, because I can't really imagine SK being any different in his vulgarity than any of his other books. The worst thing I have ever read was a description in Different Seasons of an ex-Nazi soldier killing a cat in an oven. Typically I literally skip anything that describes an animal mutilation because it is just Too Much for Me (human mutilation, on the other hand, is perfectly stomachable), but I fucked up hardcore in that book, and it ruined my life. But I have a suspicion that AFTER reading the cat's death was when I resolved not to read the section of vivid animal torture.

I digress.

I'm almost halfway (the book is 1074 pages hardcover), and so far it feels like classic King. I haven't been scared thus far really, though I expected it as most of his older works haven't had that effect on me (though Misery is still probably the scariest book I've read by him, where there was a part that literally made me jump, I was that absorbed in the scene), not to mention I remember seeing the movie a couple times as a child and not being afraid. I've enjoyed the character development and the way the book has woven together up to this point. I've reached a turning point for the characters and I'm excited to find out what lies around the next corner.

Otherwise I'd been holding my breath for the transitional case manager position at MHR, and when I heard nothing I checked the site to see if maybe they were waiting for me to apply online as well, and to my horror the position was gone! After I talked to them and everything! I was very dismayed at first, but then I clicked on a new position up which was titled Senior Case Manager. I was curious and clicked on it, and it appears to be the Transitional position under a new name. A new name that sounds WAY cooler omg. I immediately applied and followed up on facebook with two of my connections, hoping it'll get me an interview. My stomach is all jumpy and nervous, and I really, desperately want it. I want to pull my goddamn hair out at work constantly. I'm suffocating and you have no idea how badly I just want to tell them to fuck off. I cannot WAIT to put in my two weeks (but then I KNOW those two weeks will be hell while everyone hates me). Just want outttt.
spritechan: (NGE - Mari sideways glance)
I've started looking into Master's of Special Education options. It came about quite coincidentally. Steve and I have begun taking nightly walks again, mostly to unwind and talk. Oftentimes we end up talking about Dream Life, or What We'd Like to Do in the Future, or I Wish I Had a Special Interest or Niche. Stuff like that. Recently we were talking about if I were to go back to school for some sort of Master's program, and what I might actually do with my life. We talk about our mutual disinterest in every job ever, and what we could try to do to fix it. Steve would love to be a Forever Student because he loves school. I love learning and being able to apply the knowledge, but hate going to school. And when we talked about IF I went back to school, I came to the conclusion I would probably focus on special education. I don't even really have a because other than, "I didn't hate it or get burned out on it exactly and it translates to lots of jobs and would prove I am smart in the field according to my piece of paper."

Then, on Wednesday my director NaTasha walked in and said, "Are you interested in a Master's degree? I get a ton of these all the time." Despite my conversation with Steve, I said I didn't know what I would go back for. She handed me the paper and lo and behold, there is a new addition to Concordia's Master's program in Special ed with an option for LD and EBD licensure. And is entirely online, with one course completed every seven weeks. It's like tailored to me. I did amazing in any online course I was in because I worked at my own pace and was never required to leave my bed, which is a serious motivational thing for me. I emailed for information but also asked NaTasha if I could leave early one day this month to attend an informational meeting, which she was wishy-washy about.

In other news, I still definitely hate babies. A lot. The toddler room has actually improved and I'm in there over half of each day now, which is fine.
spritechan: (Avatar - You added a rainbow)
Couple quick things-
  • Work meeting yesterday kept me until 8:20, not including the drive home (Ugh, no time!)
  • Today some of the women from work got together for drinks/dinner after work, so I made an appearance in an effort to get to know my coworkers, so I didn't get home until late again.
  • Tomorrow is International Day at work, and we're required to dress up. I bought a kimono and MAYBE an obi (I don't think it's the actual correct kind, but it's pretty), and spent a crapton of time ironing both. The obi was not saveable in terms of wrinkles though. I tried my best to tie a bow (see cut)* and then didn't want to undo it, and was effectively stuck inside it. Major comedy ensued as Steve tried to pull it off of me, and I was like a fat kid stuck in an inner tube. XD It didn't help that my skin was clammy from sweating in the effort to tie the freakin' material. I was all over the place in various forms of scrunchy, trying to be simultaneously as small and as skinny as possible!!! It was both embarrassing and hilarious.
  • It has been in the 60's and 70's the past couple of days. AMAZING!
  • Stuff has been happening regarding updates and such with Pam and dad, but I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow so I didn't want to try to write anything on it before getting more info... because it's exhausting updating every 40 minutes about it.

*Pictures quick )
spritechan: (Clannad - Okazaki Tomoya Hamburger?)
If only I wasn't tied to a man who desperately loves his family and friends. I would so, SO teach English overseas. At least for awhile. Probably in South Korea. But if I was alone, I'd be horrendously lonely. Suzi is teaching in Thailand right now, and taught in India prior to that. Jared didn't go with her to India (they hadn't been dating too long at the time that she left, but he DID visit!), but he did for Thailand. Max jelly. I feel like it'd be the easiest way to cheater-get-experience without actually having a degree. JFC I don't want to get another degree. I want experience to mean more.

Also, I finally decided that I need to work toward accepting that I am simply Chibi, and will always be chibi, and will not be skinny and flat. I AM CHIBI AND CHIBI IS CUTE. I love chibi characters so I should also love myself. Steve was all for this idea and told me in no  uncertain terms how attractive he finds me and always has. ;)

But I still need to work on my arms. It's very infuriating that spot training is so difficult, because I NEED not-flabby and fat arms. That's all I want. Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee! Seriously, been doing personal training since August with a fair amount of effort put on the arms, and there has been NO CHANGE to their size. Ugh. Bleh.
spritechan: (Avatar - Dancing Dragon)
I feel loads better than at the end of last week. I just spent the weekend doing whatever I wanted... mostly laying in bed, but also reading a good amount of the newest Stephen King book (11/22/63), playing WoW, and hanging out with people. I told my closest colleagues before my resignation was posted, but when I went to tell Priya, she was all "OMG I PUT MINE IN TODAY!!!!!" (the day after me) So I didn't feel so bad. MHR has lost 5 CMs this month, including me. =O And now I realize why Cassie was SO MAD at me - she thinks Priya and I were conspiring to quit together, when in fact, we had NO IDEA of the other's plans. It's interesting, we started on the same day, and we're quitting on the same day.

I think I will be far happier as a para (assuming I get one of these jobs). I interviewed for one last Friday, have an interview for one this Friday, and applied to one more over the weekend. I needed a few days to realize that making money =/= happiness, and prestige isn't everything. Then I felt relieved and free.

Steve and I have also decided to move in with his parents for the next few months to save on rent, while we wait for the right time to move into the Woodbury place. We've saved a good chunk already and are getting about 3 grand back in tax refund money in a couple days, most of which is going right into savings (my state refund is going towards our credit line aka Grim's bills). Steve has so much student loan debt that even if he put all of our refund money toward it, it won't even make a dent. Poor guy. But anyway, moving back in with his parents will save us at least another $2400, and we'll already have most things packed and ready by the time we move in the summer! Primo plan, me thinks.
spritechan: (Voldemort Free Hugs)
It's times like these that I'm frustrated about the availability of my friends, or anyone I value, to talk to. I need to vent and get advice and just process through all this.

Suzi is in Thailand for another forever having all the fun, Bre is probably working (I'll try her in the afternoon), Jenna's probably sleeping until the late afternoon and then busy doing errands and crap, I can't talk to my family or people like Pat... And poor Steve has had to bear too much of my stress and inner turmoil, And he's far too busy at work.

Sidenote, my car has this super annoying habit of blowing cold air if you idle for more than 3 minutes. I HATE that. And yet whenever I leave it to warm up for 15 minutes, it's fine.

Okay, here's what I DO know:
  • Whatever I do, I will be making FAR less than I do now
  • I'll be saving a crap ton in gas
  • I am making the right decision at least in leaving my job as a case manager

What I don't know, then, is what is the right thing to do next. Let's pretend that all of Steve's paychecks for the month cover the bills. If I make $600 per paycheck, we should be okay, right? I mean, that's enough to cover expenses like gas and food and a little entertainment. It's still $800 or so less per month than I was making, but we don't have to spoil ourselves all the time.

The thing I am curious about is whether it is better to take a para job (if I'm offered the one I interviewed at today I will make $13.35/hour, which is what I made when I was a para a couple years ago) that has many holidays and okay benefits, but since I would be starting late I'd have no immediate income in the summer and would therefore need a summer job or something, and is only about 32 hours per week. Or, assuming I get offered the position at Heartbreaker - I don't know what they pay, but she said I would make "substantially more" than $10/hour, is guaranteed 40 hours a week, but doesn't give many holidays or weekends and only some positions offer benefits. The retail job probably has more opportunity to move up.

They both sound fine, and I still don't know if money would ever actually be an issue so long as Steve stays in his salary range for awhile. Hmm.

Bottom line is... I don't know what I want. I want someone to be able to tell me what I should do and I want to want that. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

spritechan: (FFIX Zidane)
Last night, winter tried again to be successful. There was about 4 inches of snow on the cars this morning and Steve said he was 20 minutes late to work because of the traffic. It is quite slooshy outside as the temperature is in the mid-20's and the snow is fluffy. The worst was that it freezing rained before it snowed, so I ran my car for like 20 minutes to get it at least melted off the windows - the scraper wasn't helping.

This weekend I spent mostly to myself, even when I was with people. We hung out at the bropartment on Saturday evening but I just sat quietly and read the third book of the Hunger Games. Well, I DID almost put Scott's head through a wall. He chews SO LOUDLY in normal life (one of my MAJOR pet peeves), but that night he decided to chew gum so it was NEVER ENDING. Right when I was about to move entirely across the room, he spit it out. Thank god. On Sunday I picked up the nanny kids, seeing them for the first time in almost 2 years, and we went back to my place and watched Avatar: The Last Airbender the whole time. They played with the kitties and laser pointers, but were generally very quiet and well-behaved. It was a marked change from the endless energy they had as 6-year-olds, that's for sure! But it was probably a rare change for them being able to watch hours of tv on a cold, dreary winter day. When I picked them up, the only comment I got was from Micah, who said I looked different (which I do - last time we were together I was blond and didn't have a nose piercing). Jen, their mom, ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was very sweet. I'm babysitting them again on February 5th, probably doing the exact same thing with the kids.

On Saturday Jenna and I went to the townhome place, and were immediately disappointed when we discovered that the woman we talked to messed it up and our appointment wasn't on the lady, Anna's, calendar. However, we sat in their "business office" while we waited (it has a computer with high-speed internet, copy/fax machine, and some plush chairs, all for tenant's free use) and went over the floor plans again and wrote down our top 5 choices. We also discussed several things regarding our desires and where our cars will go, etc. We each have a vehicle, but Steve has a station wagon and Jenna drives a CRV, so Nick and I would likely get any garage space anyway because we drive sedans.

Interestingly, when shown paper copies of the floor plans and when Anna pointed out that if both bedrooms have connected bathrooms guests will have to go into someone's bedroom to use the facilities, our top choices changed. We looked at two units. Both were decent, but we fell in love with a two-level called Lakeland. It's actually three levels as the townhome itself sits above a MASSIVE garage that could comfortably fit three cars (but is designed for two). Also, I know this is probably taken for granted by most, but it has ITS OWN GARBAGE AND RECYCLE BINS!!!!! This is HUGE because my current apartment DOES NOT have recycling, and I hate it. Also we have to bring our garbage down to a scary dumpster about a hundred feet away from our apartment, so Steve is usually the one who does that as I don't feel safe going that far by myself. Especially because it gets dark so early now. And it's cold.

Anyway, it's a little over 1300-square feet, and there's a living room as well as a den, with the kitchen inbetween. There's a washer and dryer in a closet in the den. The kitchen is compact - designed to be able to spin in a circle to use all the counter space without having to feel burdened. There's a breakfast bar surrounding the kitchen too. The next floow has the bedrooms. Jenna and Nick will be getting the "master" bedroom (13'6x14', whereas ours will be 12'x13') and the connecting bathroom. Because they have a linen closet in their bathroom, Steve and I will get the majority of the closet between the rooms. Steve and I will have individual closets (this unit doesn't have walk-ins, which is fine) in the bedroom. The biggest downside is that it's only 1.75-bath, so Steve and I only get a shower stall. This is only a burden because we shower together as routine, and there's not a lot of room XD

As for the pet policy, on paper it doesn't state the cats have to be declawed. We're still debating on telling them or just sneaking the cats in. But Anna loved us and we talked video games and boyfriends and what we like about living spaces. We signed a Future Occupancy Agreement that states that if a unit becomes available in the months that we specified (May-September) we will take it up to a certain price (which we listed at $1400, but Anna said we will pay around $1200-$1250 maximum). Then we had lunch with the boys and squee'd over how amazing the townhome is and how gorgeous and how much we all want to move RIGHT NOW. But even if we could, it's just not feasible or smart to move in the winter. So we wait.

On top of this, Steve and I had a very serious talk about my job this weekend, and it was decided that I'm going to quit. I plan on telling my supervisors by the end of the week. Originally Steve and I thought a month would be sufficient time for them to tie up the loose ends, but today while looking through my schedule I decided it would be best to work through the end of February, just so we'll all have a little less stress. The job is very dictated by the months. We debated the merits of doing those last two months to make my one year, but I don't think I'll be able to hold it together until then. I'm cracking already as it is. I have begun applying to various retail positions in the interim (the most exciting at the Hustler store in Minneapolis - I've ALWAYS wanted to work at a specialty store like that), as well as hospital and paraprofessional jobs. I loved my job as a para even if the school system's kind of a bitch, and Steve got really excited because he thought it was great when I was a para. I only ever left the job because I couldn't drive the 40 miles to Shakopee and back every day anymore once I moved.

But I've decided that I am done with mental health, probably forever. At least with adults. I love mental illness in theory, but hate it in practice. Haha. I also don't feel as bad leaving now that they fired an amazing colleague for fraud. She has a domestic partner, like a LEGAL domestic partner, but he's male. She had him on her insurance as it had the option, but when they found out he was male they flipped out and said it was only for SAME SEX domestic partners and that it was HER choice not to get married. And said she committed fraud. And fired her. It's bullshit and they're losing a great worker and person. Oh, and she's 8 months pregnant. And will have no benefits at the end of this month. Nice.

I know it's risky to not have a job already lined up, but with the time I have left and the nature of the job, prospective employers won't be happy to earn I have over a month left, and I don't have a lot of time to job hunt. Steve and I have enough money to float on for at least a month or two, and we'll be getting our tax returns in a couple months. My history with finding jobs is in my favor, but there's still the fear of not having one. And I won't have benefits for awhile. Getting my IUD then was a good move.   

Tuesday

Dec. 20th, 2011 03:42 pm
spritechan: (Dilbert - That was embarrassing)
I feel much better today. I heart antibiotics.

I had a fun training today. I went up to a coworker during a break and made sure she wasn't the Melissa whose clients I was working with this weekend. She said no, and then out of the blue said, "I just wanted to let you know that the way you talk about clients and the language you use is really inspiring. I find the things you say in Team [meetings] to be very helpful and really speaks to the work that you do." I about died. It was wonderful, and very surprising.

Tomorrow I'm going to have an awesome lunch with my coworker Priya at this Indian place.

I have my weigh-in this week and of course it's not lookin' good because I had a shitastic weekend. Yay.

Also, I have a distinct disconnect between my thoughts. I see pictures of skinny girls? I vow to not eat too much. I see delicious food? I nom on it. I am definitely not on a diet and am being a huge baby about it. I can even be thinking about consuming less calories (as I said, I really don't overconsume calories, generally speaking) and be putting food or drink in my mouth at the exact same time. Ugh.

P.S. when I was at the doctor (albeit in my sweats) I weighed 138 according to their scale. hatemylife
spritechan: (Higurashi - Nipaa)
So, I had a really nice weekend. I took a half day on Friday for PTO and spent the afternoon and evening with the lovely Breanna and her man Lamin. Lamin is from Africa and so are the other people I met that they spend their time with. Lamin ADORES Bre and it's very obvious if you're with him for four seconds. It was really, really fun and Lamin made what he calls "African Sauce" - a mixture of an oily soup base with carrots, peppers, onions, etc. He also cooked drumsticks on the bone to the point that the meat just fell off when you ate it. They normally make it spicy but Lamin tried VERY hard to make it not spicy for me, the honored guest. It turned out very, very good. You just pour the whole thing over rice and yay! Nommy meal. Bre complained about the rice the whole time (it was very dry, I think because Lamin was concerned about keeping me too late and rushed it) while I just laughed at her because dry rice, while not preferred, is not a big deal. XD She's so funny. Lamin has a good sense of humor to match hers.

Oh, and I had to deal with lame work stuff WHILE ON PTO because that's how the job is sometimes. Bleh.

Conveniently this took until about 10pm, at which time I crashed at home for an hour and a half until I was surprised with.. GASP! Scavenger HUUUUNT! I was most thoroughly surprised/tricked AGAIN because Steve let me get all changed into comfy clothes and snuggle into bed. He kicked off the Hunt by taping the first clue to a confused Grim's cone (Grim was Mr. Freeze XD). It was Batman themed, so each person involved got be a villain for me to foil. Scott was a chilling and AMAZING Zsasz, Nick was the Joker, Noah was Calendar Man (complete with a calendar cape and shirt with an X'ed out 19 on it ahahah). Pat was the Riddler, and Faith was a nearly-nude captured Poison Ivy that I had to save (she was secluded from the boys' eyes in Pat's room and Pat was the one to write her part). Steve, was Alfred, my trusty Butler. It was so much fun.

Gifts I got include a Harley Quinn figure from Arkham Asylum, 2 Nintendo DS games, slippers from American Eagle, a full replacement set of hardcover Harry Potter books in a wizard's trunk from my AMAZING boyfriend (as my entire collection save for book 7 disappeared mysteriously a few years ago...), and a buttload of candy from my less money-fortunate friends. Oh, and Calendar man got me a calendar XD Pat went on about he had planned to prove me wrong and NOT give me an I.O.U. (I have no idea how many I've collected from him ahaha) but that the item was GUARANTEED shipping and it didn't arrive... so I got an I.O.U. A couple days later he finally checked his email and it turns out he never bought it because he entered his payment information wrong. I LOL'd. I win again!

Saturday it SNOWED. Like, 3 inches. The weather was trolling me hard that day. "Muahaha it's yo birfdai? HAVE SOME SNOW. >:D" It actually wasn't ALL that cold out and it will probably be melted by tomorrow as it's been in the mid-40's today and is supposed to be in the 50's tomorrow. Steve and I went to dinner with my parents on Sunday, and it was delicious! Prior to that Steve and I decided to hit the B-ville mall because we both needed to suck it up and buy some pants that actually FIT. Steve ended up with a good haul, including 3 pairs of "skinny" jeans from the Guys section. I say "skinny" because they're not skinny in the sense of girl pants skinny, which is what he normally wears. They are not leg-hugging like he is used to. I rather like it. Sexay ^_^ We were on our way to the Juniors section when we spotted my parents! I went BOUNDING towards them to surprise them, when I noticed they were carrying what was obviously gifts for me. I was like two feet away from them when I skidded to a halt and started shoving Steve away as fast as I could! We were able to hide from them in the slipper section, but they were rounding the escalators where we needed to be! For some reason they circled back, and Steve was like, "What if they come around that corner and see us crouching here?!" At which point I burst into quiet laughter and said that it would be hilarious. We were able to escape and sneak back upstairs and buy Steve's things and high-tail it out of there! We were very surprised when we saw August at dinner, because if he had been with them he SURELY would have seen us and ruined our noble plot not to spoil that we saw some of my gifts! Luckily they turned out to be last-minute bday gifts and not for Christmas so I didn't have to hold that secret for long. It was really fun to play Stealth Escape Mode.

I really hate spoiling surprises so if I ever do, I NEVER give it away that I knew. It just deflates the excitement the person has for the gift they're giving you! I never do it on purpose, because I LOVE being surprised.

We took Monday off as well, and while I enjoyed napping most of it away, I played a good chunk of Ar Tonelico. Steve was playing Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword all weekend. I had terrible sleep Monday night because I kept dreaming about work, all anxious and stressed out. Last night I dreamed about buying groceries and losing one of the bags with the perfect pizza in it, and going back to the grocery store and finding exotic Chobani yogurt flavors. :P

Grim hasn't been feeling well. He's not been eating, and he projectile vomited all over me and the bed this morning. He was too quick for me! So he's been spending copious amounts of time just laying in one spot. Poor guy :( But! The cone comes off today! I hope he improves then.
spritechan: (Spirited Away - knitting)
I've been working hard this week to renew my dedication to my job. I've been putting notes in on time (it's annoying because my computer only works when plugged in and most of my clients don't have the patience for all that technology boo-hocky so I can't do concurrent documentation most of the time) and reminding myself that my clients call me because they trust me (well, most of them) and that they think I can actually help them. So I'm trying to help them.

I transferred two more clients off my caseload (that's three total), but I'm getting a new intake that is apparently an assertive outreach at this point. The two I transferred off are not all that difficult, but one of them has been very time-consuming and the person she's going to doesn't yet have a full caseload, and the other I just never really established any rapport with so I know he won't be upset about being switched.

I have already picked out the next person I'm moving, though. I can never do anything right for her. Part of it is me, and part of it is her. She has exceptional borderline traits, and I feel like I've self-fulfilled her prophecy. It's for real like a conspiracy - I will swear I scheduled an appointment but it won't be in my calendar. When I call her she is angry and "waited and waited and waited" for me to come when I didn't. I know she was not waiting for me. She just doesn't have anywhere to go. And she REFUSES to pick up a phone and call. She doesn't want confirmation beforehand, and has NO responsibility in reminding me if something appears amiss. That would be beneath her. I never call her back fast enough. I never find her the things she needs. And she hates me. We have never had ANY semblance of a rapport, and she has never trusted me even a little bit. So she's getting the hell off my caseload ASAP.

Cassie says that if no one else quits, I should be able to have 30-32 people on my caseload. I have 33 right now. It would be freakin' amazing if I had 30. I could be so much better a worker!

I finished FFX - not sure if I mentioned that. I became very, very frustrated with the second form of Jecht. I get even more escalated in big fights if I have to do crap over and over again before getting back to the boss. So, to have to do 2 cut scenes and the gem-collecting 50 times did not improve my mood. I ended up letting Steve beat him and I finished the rest. I liked the ending, but I was not as attached to the game as I was FFIX. Overall I really enjoyed it, but that last set-up really left a sour taste in my mouth.

I also completed 999: 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors. It's SO good. It's like a gentler version of Saw. It's a mystery with puzzles and death and OMGYESCHARACTERDEVELOPMENTTTT. It was funny because there are 6 endings. After I got the true ending (you need to get two other specific endings to unlock the true ending), Steve helped me get the last ones by looking up which doors I could go through to get each ending (there are several ways to get the same ending). Steve's first ending was my last ending, and I would have been so heartbroken had I gotten that ending first! It's the worst ending!! XD Anyway, the game is amazing and not long, so I suggest you buy and play it right now.

As a result, I have started two new games. Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap, and Ar Tonelico II: Melody of Metafalica. So far I can barely stand myself, Ar Tonelico is so good. I loved the first one, and this one is already overshadowing it. SO FREAKIN GOOD. I haven't gotten very far in Minish Cap, but... it's a LoZ game. I'm sure I'll love it.   
spritechan: (Dilbert - I have a good attitude)

I've had a very rough couple of weeks at work. It's kinda like everyone's lives fell apart and I don't have enough time to help them all. I have a few clients who have gotten more verbally abusive, and I've been feeling guilty even though it's not my fault. I've had several 5-minute-long messages about how a client is mad  at me and I don't do my job and all I care about is my paycheck, all because I tried to explain mental illness to her because she's so delusional about why she has schizophrenia. I had a hospital nurse scream at me before hanging up rudely when I desperately needed to know if they got a fax because the timing was very important. I've had to revoke a client's commitment and do all the paperwork myself with the court liason because there wasn't enough time for the county to finish it. I've sat in an emergency room with a client for two hours after having spent the previous 2 hours dealing with her (as Phoebe put it, "I have to get out of here before I put your head through a wall!"). The stress has been building and building and all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry and not come out for days.

It took all my strength to go to personal training yesterday. I didn't go on Tuesday because I had a migraine and was also throwing a pity party for myself. I went in and Martin was all, "Hey! You look really skinny today!" I was caught off-guard and got all blushy and denying, because I ate sooo much crap over the past week and barely exercised at all because I've been too depressed to get motivated. At my last check-in, Martin told me that another member told him that my face was looking a lot skinnier than when we started. It was flattering and amusing that other people watch me in the gym. Usually I'm all about the awareness of other people, but when I'm working out all I can do is focus on the task at hand. Which is good. I've continued to improve - I'm now down to 25% body fat, my legs were the same in inches but I lost 3 more percent fat, and I lost a half an inch on my arms, and waist. But as I said, I've been struggling lately.

I'm taking Monday off and so is Steve. We're spending a nice long weekend together and I hope I feel better by Tuesday. I just feel suffocated and so burnt out. I feel shitty and ineffective and I know I shouldn't. I hate that it appears my life revolves around work, because it really shouldn't. It should only be a *part* of my life. Not the only part I can talk about because I need hours upon hours to process everything I've been through.

Through all this, Steve has been amazing. He's been patient with my venting and has put up with my stress-induced irritability, and almost literal battle against feelings suffocated. Even sitting here talking about it/doing paperwork I'm having physical sensations of pressure and difficulty breathing.

But! I've been playing a lot of Arkham City, and it's the right amount of challenging for me and I'm having a lot of fun with it. So that's nice. :) I made a new backlog banner to go with it, and I'm enjoying having a fun game to play.


spritechan: (TWEWY - Phones peek)
Pics and stuff to start... )

Andy did a wonderful job on my tattoos. Brandon, the piercing apprentice, kept coming in to ask how much it hurt. I was like, "...it hurts. Definitely. Wait, did you cry?! Did you cry when you got your foot done?"

And he was all, "Yeah. I did. ... But it HURT, man!"

Andy was just like, "Yeah, he kept yelling at me: 'why do you keep wiping so hard?! God!"

And then I spent the rest of the session giggling every now and then with "STOP WIPING SO HARD" playing through my head, especially when Andy wiped and it DID hurt (though, it will hurt. Paper towels are not soft). My foot hurt about as much as most of the others. My shoulder was pretty similar, and I might just have trauma issues with my back tattoo and how excruciating it was, but I still say my back hurt more. My arm and calves hurt less to be tattooed, I'm fairly certain.

My back hurt from the position I was sitting in, because I was holding tight to my leg to try to soften the blows when my foot would twitch from a combination of tickle/pain reflex and for some reason would also make my calf twitch. There were two distinct times where my foot JUMPED super hardcore and I was like, "SORRY OMG THAT DIDN'T EVEN HURT MORE I DUNNO! BAD FOOT!" and Andy was just like, "It's okay, I jumped all over the place when I got my feet done, especially my toes." So all was well.

I was super gung-ho about writing a post yesterday, but LJ wasn't working and now I don't know what I was going to write about :( Well anyway, I had an okay work week, a lot more bitchiness and stress than I like, but it's okay. I'm already thinking about what I want to do in the future. And I had a brilliant idea. As much as I love Japanese and want to be awesome at it, I have no real life practice anyway. What I COULD do is get fluent* in Spanish again and work as a bi-lingual something-or-other in Human Services! Example: I COULD WORK AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD for their bi-lingual services! They are always looking for translation help. Or ANY place like that! I would LOVE to be able to use foreign language in my job. So my tentative plan at the moment is to sign up for the community ed Spanish classes because they are only 55 bucks for 8 sessions, see how that works, and try to build up my Spanish well enough to test out of hopefully the entire beginner's courses in college. Then I plan on taking classes (if offered) without actually being a student (aka continuing ed) at like the University of MN or something, and eventually if I have to, I will apply for the degree program. I'm hoping that my confidence in my skill level pays off and that I can get a job without another degree, but if it comes to it, I'll do what I need to. I really don't want to study abroad. I'd be fine taking a trip abroad or something, or finding some area with Spanish immersion, but I am not leaving my home and my life.

It's interesting to me that when I started school I intended to double-major in Spanish and Education, and the only reason I dropped Spanish was because I couldn't graduate in 4 years (LOL little did I know it'd take me like 5.5 regardless), and my anxiety pushed me out of education. It'd be funny if I ended up getting a Spanish degree in the end after all.

In other news, my personal trainer challenged me not to use the scale for two weeks, and Steve is supporting me by not weighing himself either. My trainer Martin is even following his own advice and told me yesterday that he hid his scale in the garage so it won't tempt him XD It's so cute! I get really anxious at not being able to weigh myself. Like WHAT IF I'M GETTING FATTER AND I DON'T KNOW IT?! Which is faulty logic but I think it every day. I'm hoping I'm not. I can't know my weight until my weigh-in on the 13th. I've been doing well after letting my feet rest a few days from the tattoos, and I've been to the gym several times this week. I'm working more on running and cardio, but I hated Martin when he made me use the stationary bike yesterday. I just felt it was cruel for some reason and was very upset about it. I hate stationary bikes and ellipticals and stair-steppers. I don't know why, but I do. With a passion.

*I use the term loosely. I was very good at reading and writing at my peak, and I could hold decent conversations, but I usually gleaned subtext well enough to make it not completely awkward without actually knowing everything said. A great example that I'm still pretty good at Spanish is in Tokyo Godfathers when an entire scene is held in Spanish and Japanese, with only subtitles for the Japanese, and I was able to tell Steve the gist of what the woman speaking Spanish was saying, even if I didn't understand EXACTLY what it was, with very few "I totally did not get that part." parts.
spritechan: (Grim it's been a long day)
I've had two dreams in the last week in which my teeth fell out. I can't remember what the first one was about but I do remember the sensation. And the second one had me pushing my sister around a grocery store in a cart, and I leaned down to say something to her and I smashed my face into her head. We both lost teeth XD I also had a HORRIBLE dream in which Steve decided to very indifferently break up with me in front of a bunch of people. Mikey was there! It's been a long, looong time since I've had a dream with Mikey in it. As a result, I spent some of last night brooding about him and missing him and such. His mom does the suicide walk near my house every year and invites me, and I have yet to go because I'm worried about not fitting in since I know no one in that group. It's his family! I didn't know his family. I'd be too uncomfortable. Oh! I also had a dream LAST NIGHT where I found a Twitter-like page and Athena had several posts talking about how much I've been annoying her XD

This was the first week Steve worked his real job at Thomson Reuters. It is definitely awesome to have the same schedules. But since he has to drive farther we actually have to get up at an early time. It's cute to shower and get ready together, and the buddy system is a good way to ensure that we're both up. And we were sad about money, as Steve's last two paychecks from Rainbow ended up being less than $150, and he won't get paid for at least another week, maybe two. But! Then he got paid out for his leftover vacation time and that was a pretty good chunk of money. He's going to buy a laptop next time I get paid and I'm getting another tattoo.

Otherwise, not much has been going on. Just chilling with Steve and having cute time. Nick and Pat moved into their own apartment finally (out of their parents' houses) and we'll probably visit them. Yay for Labor Day!

Work has kinda sucked. I'm just not feeling it right now. I don't think anyone is at this point. The move has been really hard on everyone. I almost punched a therapist through the phone when she, very bitchy-like, demanded to know when the printers would be up and WHY DIDN'T I KNOW A TIMEFRAME. Uhh, because they're not telling us anything, twat. THEY probably don't know. Go to hell. I hate people. And another provider was annoyed with me because I told them I'd transport a client to the hospital to avoid ambulance fees (I'm technically not allowed to simply transport clients places in the first place) but I was NOT waiting with her in the ER so I could be sure to talk with a social worker when she was finally seen. TOTAL waste of my time. If she wants to be sure the social worker knows the scoop, SHE can stay with the client.

Meer!

Aug. 29th, 2011 10:13 am
spritechan: (Stitch - Oh noes)
I arrived home on Saturday, about noon-thirty. I was supposed to call Steve when I was a half-hour away, but my phone died after our conversation at 8am. It was adorable coming home to so many kisses and hugs. It also felt surreal, like I'd been away for a very long time. It was good.

I showed him my new piercing, we got Chipotle, and we talked. I napped... or... I should say, I went to bed at like 5:30, woke up around 8:30, and went to bed again when Steve crawled in.

Yesterday we marveled at all the time we now have together on weekends. No more "Steve is sleeping for half the day and Leah needs to find something to do" and no more "Steve has to work soon - and then find something to do while Leah sleeps". We got bad-for-you but SO DELICIOUS Culver's and Caribou, went shopping in Burnsville for Steve (he got work shoes), bought a few noms for the next couple days, got my eyebrows done, and we found two great games at our fave Gamestop: Spectral Force 3 for cheap (I coveted it like I do when I find a game I want), and SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: DIGITAL DEVIL SAGA. We've had the sequel for a LONG time. It was still $30, spendy for a PS2 game, but it was an amazing, rare find. The disc was immaculate, the game book never removed.

We talked about our money and saving and paying off our loans with Steve's additional funds added, and buying a house. Steve asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how serious I would be about buying his parents' house if we could. When he asked the question, we were driving there to do some laundry. At the time, I was feeling between a 6.5 and a 7.5. We talked more about what changes we would make to it, and how doable it would be. We agreed the kitchen would be tackled first, shortening the dining room to extend the kitchen and move the fridge so we can have a bar/counter. Steve proposed an amazing idea of knocking out the wall between his old room and his dad's room, and diving his dad's room into three parts - one would be an addition to Steve's bedroom, and the other half would be divided into a walk-in closet, and the wall dividing the bathroom and Steve's dad's room would be knocked out, and extended into a jacuzzi tub. Lofty goal, but a great idea. Without all the couches and tvs and stuff, Steve's old room is definitely bigger than I remember. We could totally make it into a master bedroom (I swear the house doesn't actually have one). Trinity's room would continue to be a "cat" room, and we would keep the door closed, with a kitty door made into the door so the stink of cat poop doesn't permeate the house. We toured the backyard together and were able to appreciate it well. No one uses it. It's a nice size, with a built-in fire pit. We discussed the idea of a fence. And we would definitely put in a deck ASAP. By the end of our conversation my interest in the house was up to about an 8. Steve said his parents pay about $1100/month on it, which we could do.

When we were leaving, we noticed a similar house on the next block that had been foreclosed on. It had an information sheet on the house specs, and it's selling for only $129,900, far lower than Steve estimated his parents would want to sell theirs for. This kind of gave us hope that once his parents see the market, they'll want to sell theirs cheaper too. According to MN realty, a 5% down payment on that house would be around $6500, with a monthly payment at like $1080 or something. Steve and I could easily save for a $7000 down payment. I threw in the idea of keeping most of our "couple" Christmas money and saving it for one. But we love giving each other gifts, so we'll likely spend SOME still. Anyway, excited.

Then we came home and organized the fridge, and I FINALLY tackled all of my random work papers. Steve gave me his blessing to turn our desk into a Leah's Work Desk, and that's been great too. Now all I need is better service for my Droid. Speaking of which, it's 10am and I still haven't listened to all the voicemails received when I was gone. I read and answered all necessary emails last night to take some stress off, and I only have 12 voicemails, but GOD do I hate voicemails. Ugh. And immediately at 8am I started getting calls. I'm so popular.

We spent most of the evening playing Nintendo Monopoly. I did pretty well at the beginning, but then Steve just KICKED MY ASS. It was so funny. He kept making all these silly deals with me so that I wouldn't go bankrupt, but all it did was make my loss slow and painful XDDD It was really, really fun. <3 After that we pretty much crashed at 9:30. It was super awesome to get to sleep together. The novelty of sleeping and waking at the same time will take a long time to wear off. We got up together and showered, and I made breakfast. Then Steve got all dapper and went off to his first day of Real Work! Squeee!

The weather has cooled immensely here in the mornings and evenings. It feels so eerie, compared to the weeks and weeks of 90-degree weather. I've been chilly even under the comforter. Having Steve to cuddle against helps a lot.

Okay, gotta get to work. I have two appointments today, but really I only have one - One of them is an assertive outreach, where you show up on someone's doorstep because they've been avoiding you. It's fun (NOT).

If you have any recommendations for artists similar to LIGHTS (like the light, breathy quality with synth), throw em my way. I need some good female artists.

Oh, and I promise to write about my trip soon!

TIRED

Aug. 17th, 2011 04:02 pm
spritechan: (TTGL - Yoko cute surprised)
Trying to go on vacation sure is stressful. I have so much to do! But, before I leave for vacation there will only be two people I haven't yet seen this month out of 35-36. Haha, I can never tell how many people are on my caseload. I have 3 days after I come back to see those two. So doable (and actually, one missed his appointment earlier this month and the other hasn't been seen in like 6 months).

I transferred the one client out today. It was actually kind of sad. He looked so betrayed and confused! D: But he'll do great with Krista,

I still have LOTS of documentation to do~!

Steve's having car issues and that really sucks, especially with me going out of town. Luckily he doesn't start work until I get back (it got pushed back), but that's a selfish thing. I need my car every minute of every day - we can't share. Hopefully it's nothing too major. His dad thinks it's the starter.

Steve beat Catherine on Normal - a rarity for him not to play something on Hard, but I promise you, Hard is TOUGH. Like, he got stuck for over an HOUR on the second stage when he tried to play on Hard. He's currently replaying it at his leisure, attempting the postgame stuff as well as Hard mode. MILD SPOILERS BUT NOT TOO BAD: The game WANTS you to hate Katherine. They make her a BITCH the whole game. Catherine isn't any better in her own ways, but at least she's not a bitch. We were both disappointed that the game doesn't allow you to have more control over the events that unfold, but overall it was really cool.

As a result, we played our Big TV and Handheld game-choosing for him (as he decided to quit Valkyria Chronicles 2 for now because it's so boring), and landed with Nostalgia for DS and Persona 3 FES for PS2. The games I WOULD have chosen for him, we didn't, since I'm going to be gone for a week and he'll be playing whatever game that whole time! XD I'm still slowly working my way through FFX. It's not hard or anything, I just don't have a lot of time. Same with Ouendan. Rhythm games comeso naturally to me and I want to savor the experience, so I've been "S"ing songs a couple at a time. I'm on the Divas aka the hardest difficulty. We're going to pick out another handheld for me today and put FFIV on hold, because I really shouldn't be playing TWO FFs at once - I get burned out.

Okay, must do more work! Personal training at 6 - Martin's on vacation but Joe said he'd work with me. Wooo!
spritechan: (4minute sunglasses)
Having the time to finally get my desk cleaned out - one of my team leads used to have my desk before she was promoted. The desk was FILLED with outdated resources and forms. Like, to the brim. Some were useful and relevent, and I kept those, but I found some dated as far back at 2001 D: Programs change all the time; there's no way the same forms are still in use.

AND I got a resource binder set up. I finally figured out a way to organize all the random bits of papers that have resources on them, and I'm keeping that damn thing in my car AT ALL TIMES XD

Feels sooooo good.
spritechan: (Avatar - Dancing Dragon)
This is for Athena, hoping she didn't see it somehow )

Second, ZOMG f(x)'s ACTUAL ALBUM JUST CAME OUT GUHHHHHH I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER AND EVER FOR IT. Omg. Girl crush asplode. Korean lust out of control.

Work today was... hard. Lots of paperwork and dealing with the one specific client. So many things to remember and document and keep track of!! And I missed an appointment D: It worked out, but I felt like an ass. On the bright side, I got to talk to my old program manager, Jeremiah, because I want to refer a client to him. It was cute.

I got my tires replaced and now my car moves like a dream in comparison. Fleet Farm gives amazing lifetime service - 30-day free tire replacement and 50% cost after that, free rotation and alignment for the life of the tire, plus free flat repair for the life of the tire! My biggest fears squashed! They also want me to go back after 100 miles to double-check that the... lug nuts or... whatever... are still on there nice and tight. I replaced a blinker bulb yesterday and today I noticed one of my rear brake lights is out too D: HAAAAAATE cars.

Grimmy is cute sometimes... )


You can see a teaser of some of the wall color. As of now I still want to post a separate entry on the whole painting thing, because I want it to be image-heavy. Maybe this weekend! I plan on visiting my sister and nephew on Saturday, and on Sunday going to my dad's house to spend time with their family, because Pam likes getting together on Easter.

Steve got Portal 2 yesterday and it looks sooo great. Of course I'm a storyline junkie, and this has an amazing, silly, and comedic storyline! But it looks far too difficult for me. I am spatially challenged and would probably kill myself.

I'm rather sad that it looks like I simply won't have the time to respond as much as I like, ever. But I promise I read every entry you guys post! I loooove your entries and it makes me sad that I can't keep up with them all the time. But I'll try my best. Just be okay with some comments that are maybe more concise and less involved, but know that the thought is there and it's not done as an afterthought <3

ALSO PEE ESS It has SNOWED HERE twice this week. Fuck you 30-degree weather. Fuck you week. I hate you. You snowed on me all morning and got my glasses wet. And I was cold. Oh yeah, and fuck you. D:
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