spritechan: (P4 Rise Persona Embrace)
I have been on this odd sick path of ups and downs since Halloween. I was very sick for a week around Halloween, then got a bit better save for a lingering cough and stuffy nose. Then after Thanksgiving I repeated the cycle, only worse.

I've missed 5 days of school in the last two weeks D:

I went to the doctor, finally. I was wearing a mask and the lights were too bright. I pulled my hood over my head and looked like a sith lord.

My doctor asked, "Are you managing your work-life balance better?"

"....not really..." Sheepishly, through my mask.

The doctor sent me on my way with antibiotics and a steroid, a note to stay home one more day, and a stern look.

Nero meows disapprovingly when I cough.

The meds are kicking in somewhat... I feel loopy and lightheaded and headachey from coughing and my nose still requires Afrin so I can breathe, but I haven't felt aches or chills in 15 hours or so. Steve said it would be interesting if we had documented how much I have slept in the last week.

Yesterday I could have cried thinking about all the responsibilities I'm behind on due to this inconvenient sickness. Today I acknowledge the challenge and feel like there's hope. I'm just going to do what I can to manage, and it will be okay.

I've been inspired to begin yoga again once I'm well. I want to take care of myself better. I don't want to give in to being overwhelmed with work.

I want to manage my food better. While being sick, I haven't had much of an appetite, nor motivation to eat, so most of my diet has been chips and bread. Thinking about food was incredibly overwhelming and I couldn't even identify what I ate when I was eating well. I'm going to work on fixing that over the coming weeks.

It's like I'm starting to rise from the ashes of my former self, to put it dramatically. But I have never, in my entire life, been sick like this or for this long. I had mono when I was a child, and that's the closest comparison I have. I'm hoping this motivation and momentum continue. I just really need to stay organized and not let life bring me down. I need to be healthy first, mind you, but I am definitely working on it.

My Autism

Dec. 13th, 2012 02:04 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.




So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.




I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!




Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.


ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

spritechan: (Dilbert - I have a good attitude)

I've had a very rough couple of weeks at work. It's kinda like everyone's lives fell apart and I don't have enough time to help them all. I have a few clients who have gotten more verbally abusive, and I've been feeling guilty even though it's not my fault. I've had several 5-minute-long messages about how a client is mad  at me and I don't do my job and all I care about is my paycheck, all because I tried to explain mental illness to her because she's so delusional about why she has schizophrenia. I had a hospital nurse scream at me before hanging up rudely when I desperately needed to know if they got a fax because the timing was very important. I've had to revoke a client's commitment and do all the paperwork myself with the court liason because there wasn't enough time for the county to finish it. I've sat in an emergency room with a client for two hours after having spent the previous 2 hours dealing with her (as Phoebe put it, "I have to get out of here before I put your head through a wall!"). The stress has been building and building and all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry and not come out for days.

It took all my strength to go to personal training yesterday. I didn't go on Tuesday because I had a migraine and was also throwing a pity party for myself. I went in and Martin was all, "Hey! You look really skinny today!" I was caught off-guard and got all blushy and denying, because I ate sooo much crap over the past week and barely exercised at all because I've been too depressed to get motivated. At my last check-in, Martin told me that another member told him that my face was looking a lot skinnier than when we started. It was flattering and amusing that other people watch me in the gym. Usually I'm all about the awareness of other people, but when I'm working out all I can do is focus on the task at hand. Which is good. I've continued to improve - I'm now down to 25% body fat, my legs were the same in inches but I lost 3 more percent fat, and I lost a half an inch on my arms, and waist. But as I said, I've been struggling lately.

I'm taking Monday off and so is Steve. We're spending a nice long weekend together and I hope I feel better by Tuesday. I just feel suffocated and so burnt out. I feel shitty and ineffective and I know I shouldn't. I hate that it appears my life revolves around work, because it really shouldn't. It should only be a *part* of my life. Not the only part I can talk about because I need hours upon hours to process everything I've been through.

Through all this, Steve has been amazing. He's been patient with my venting and has put up with my stress-induced irritability, and almost literal battle against feelings suffocated. Even sitting here talking about it/doing paperwork I'm having physical sensations of pressure and difficulty breathing.

But! I've been playing a lot of Arkham City, and it's the right amount of challenging for me and I'm having a lot of fun with it. So that's nice. :) I made a new backlog banner to go with it, and I'm enjoying having a fun game to play.

Kitty baby

Feb. 15th, 2011 09:12 pm
spritechan: (Sgt. Frog - Tamama closeup)

Pathetic kitty with shaved arm XD

I can already tell the difference in him from the last time. This hospital ain't cheap (Bill was $1600), but they were worth their money. He was not grumpy or loopy when I brought him home, whereas from Banfield he was groggy and flipping out and didn't want to move. Grim has bright eyes and is affectionate. He's eating pretty well (though he still won't touch the wet stuff - what kind of cat is he?!) and drinking, and he's had TWO normal pees. They told me that him never peeing more than drops for the last week was really concerning, and meant that his blockage was likely not corrected the first time. GRR!!!

They also gave me antibiotics and muscle relaxers along with painkillers this time. He's only gone to the litterbox twice with YAY success, versus all last week when he was basically LIVING in there with very little success. Of course, I was reminded a million times that he can get messed up again ANY SECOND, but I'm crossing my fingers that he's going to be good eating the special food.

I found someone to cover me on short notice for tonight which helps A LOT, because otherwise I'd be spending every second at work being worried. Not to mention I haven't slept yet - I took a nap from 11:30am-1:30pm but was too tightly wound to sleep after I heard I could take him home today.

At the moment, life is great. <3

Woe is me

Jan. 14th, 2011 04:56 am
spritechan: (Lost - Made with Jears)
I don't know what happened to me yesterday. One minute I was fine, just job and apartment hunting like normal, then.... BAM! Intense depression, listlessness, everything was gray and my life was THE WORST EVAR.

I called Steve on my 10-minute drive home like I always do, but he can always tell when something's wrong because my voice gets this tight, squeaky quality to it when I'm about to blow. He insisted on talking me down from the ledge, but like, there was nothing to be done! I was just wrapped up in this cloud of despair and complaints and saying "I don't know" at the end of every sentence. It was almost surreal, how I felt. Like I was just floating along, being a part of The Machine and not being or doing anything worthwhile.

He was very cute and tried very hard to cheer me up, and it worked for a bit but I was quite depressed. I ended up just laying in bed all day. I had to go to bed early to get up for my 2-hour meeting this week anyway. I had bad sleep, dreaming about job applications and housing and money. It was not helpful. When I was at my meeting I was a bit better, and when I woke up today I wasn't listless anymore.

But still, I am down. I need to let my depression run through me, embrace it, so it can go away. I anticipate a lot of sleep while Steve is at work tonight, or at least a lot of staying-in-bed-cuddling-the-kitties-at-my-private-pity-party.


Oct. 20th, 2010 02:54 am
spritechan: (Dilbert - Drunk or morons)
Lj Land, I am going to be a bad person this week.

I have a lot of school responsibility, and I feel that it is heavy upon on my shoulders.

Because of this, I am shirking my duties as a Prompt and Responsible netizen.

That is, I do not feel like writing real entries, replying to emails or comments, even responding to something I find interesting (though I'll probably still do that). I even am being lazy about keeping up with all my interneting in general.

So, what this means for you, dear LJ friends, is that I will continue to read your LJs and comment if I want, but otherwise I am going to be a flake this week.

I am deeply sorry for my brain taking an unscheduled vacation.


Also, a casserole dish from HELL fell on my foot, and it is quite painful.
spritechan: (Damn it feels good to be a gangsta)

Opening with some lame TMI )

I finished my training yesterday, woooo! Now I have 6 hours down, and almost 10 more months to get the last 8, not to mention that it'll be cut even shorter if my class counts for hours too. I did a lot better in not getting incredibly anxious during the practice exerciese (how to escape from stirkes or grabs), and I talked a lot during the rest. I was singled out because I looked the youngest, and probably was the youngest, but Russ (the director) said he thought I looked 18 and used that in a de-escalation/empathy exercise. While I've miraculously never had my age negatively used in a mental health setting (same with my whiteness, don't know why), it came up a LOT when working in Nursing homes/assisted living.

Steve and I are going to try to start donating plasma. Pat is unemployed (and receives unemployment) and supplements his income with donating a couple times a week. Steve and I would be getting almost $200/week if we were each able to go twice a week. That would be amazingly helpful in paying off credit cards/loans/saving. When Dan and I desperately needed money in Grand Forks, I developed a complex and failed out because my heart rate kept speeding up. It didn't help that the machine only measure your pulse for 15 seconds and then multiplied it by 4, which is inaccurate. And they wouldn't manually measure my pulse. I start off faster when measuring my pulse than I end with. I promise you that my heart rate is not 120bpms. Promise. It's usually around 80-90. I just took it with my company's 15 second monitor and I came up with 122/81 with a pulse of 94. Bleh. Writing about it made me nervous again. As long as the pulse comes up under 100. Usually my blood pressure is about 110/70. I know because I've been to the doctor a lot >_< And I've NEVER been turned away when donating blood. My issue was always iron (interestingly, it's been both almost too low and almost too high), not my pulse. Q~! Wish me luck! Let's hope I don't freak out, because I'm terrified that I will. Which doesn't help. Never-ending cycle! (after a couple minutes I just retested and came up with 114/78, pulse 91. I can physically feel my body reacting when I get the cuff on. URGH. F U BODY). I'll probably request that I be sitting if they're testing while standing like the other place did, because first of all, that's the medically appropriate way to be taking it, and for two, it allows me to feel a little more relaxed.

All right, I really should get going on stuff I need to be doing!

Ending with a clip about responsibility from Hyperbole and a Half that completely and accurately describes me:

"What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking that I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. Since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt-spiral starts.  

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it.  The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination.  It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.  

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility.  It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP."

spritechan: (Made of Awesome Sokka)
I really hope I get this job I'm interviewing for on Wednesday (tomorrow now I guess). The one working with the autistic boy fell through because even though the company offered me the job, the family chose someone else at the last second simply because they lived closer. Which is fine, it really would have been a long drive. But I still desperately need more than 12 hours a week.

My current location at work is being restructured, and I was offered a different position. Instead of working 12 hours Sunday night to Monday morning, they offered me midnight-8am shifts on Friday and Saturday. Um, no. For several reasons. It's only 4 more hours. And it's both weekend days. And I NEED MORE THAN TEEN HOURS JFC. I stuck it out the whole year I've worked there on the hope that I'd be able to find more hours than just the one night!!! So I turned it down, applied to a different position within my house but that is 99.9% guaranteed to another based on seniority and already having been working a similar position, and applied to a different location within the company. I didn't even attach a cover letter. I'm just so bitter. But I got a call anyway last Tuesday for an interview. It'd be overnights (3rd Shift, really), Sun-Th midnight-8:30am. If I got this I'd be making sooo much more money. And I am definitely qualified.

If I got this it would allow for Steve to freely pursue working overnights at Rainbow, because he's been cashiering for 4 years there (and maintenance for two previous to that) and he's sick of people's bullshit. He's friends with the night manager, who has periodically offered him positions jokingly or pointed out when they were hiring. He put a note in to discuss the idea of switching to overnights. The gears are in motion, fingers crossed I get chosen. I interview well, but since I need this job BADLY I'm actually nervous. Usually I'm pretty cocky about them because I can be really personable and I know what people want to hear. My parents definitely taught me well on that front; it's helped me out of tight spots more than once. But I feel like this is so dire. *deep breaths*

Another reason why I need this is that having 6 days off is really wearing on me. I spend almost all of my time until Steve gets home at like 11pm sleeping. Even if I have stuff to do. It's definitely having a progressively depressive effect on me. I need something to keep me stimulated.

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