My Autism

Dec. 13th, 2012 02:04 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

Oh god.

Nov. 26th, 2012 10:07 pm
spritechan: (I have to go sit in my house by myself)
It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.
spritechan: (Avatar - Katara Aang Love)
This weekend Steve and I, awkwardly accompanied by my old friend Isaiah (mentioned several times in 2008, and definitely mentioned in my high school years as well... the ones that made it into LJ, anyway [fuckin' GJ]) and his date, drove 4 hours down to Iowa and back for our good friend Tessie's wedding. This was the second wedding in which I saved Isaiah's ass and brought him, btw.

During the time in Iowa and on the way back, Steve and I spent the vast majority of the time discussing things we like and don't like, and what we'd want at our wedding (as we have done at all four of the weddings we've been to together and will likely do at the 5th, at the end of the month) - Like: songs like "Wonderwall" by Oasis, "Hallelujah", and "Soul Meets Body" by Death Cab for Cutie composed orchestrally. Dislike: Hay bales as seats. We consistently discuss the merits of dancing, as people these days do not seem to want to dance at weddings. We discussed our wedding party, and have this amazing plan for it. We know what song we're likely to dance to as our "first dance" and have a choreography plan as we will not be awkwardly slow-dancing, looking meaningfully into each other's eyes.

We ended the night listening to the mix Steve made me two months into our relationship and decided we could easily play it at our wedding. It's really, really good.

Then tonight, after over 3 years of dating, I finally went with Steve on one of his nighttime bike routes. There's this one area, a stretch behind a field that he calls "the heart of his bike ride", where it's dark and quiet, with fireflies everywhere and that earthy smell of a marsh nearby. It was incredibly romantic, and he said it reminds him of the scene in FFX with Yuna and Tidus in the water - beautiful, breathtaking, and it's only you there (of course we all know they totally did it). My heart swelled with love and we spent the rest of the ride making lovey-dovey eyes at each other and talking about how amazing our life is.

Whenever I think of him at night, alone, it reminds of this time he texted me while at this park we passed on our ride, like a month into dating, something like, "You make me want to CRY. in joy. And DIE. from cute." Of course in trying to find the exact quote in my text dump entries I read about a million heart-melty things he has said to me and I died over and over again.

He's just... the best. I love him so hard I could squeeze him to death and then be like an excited kid crushing their taco. Or something. I completely stole that idea from the Office. Only it wasn't a kid. Anyway, point being, Steve is for me, no doubt about it.
spritechan: (School Days - Katsura Knit)
My weekend was kind of a blur, mostly because I was deathly ill on Saturday.

Friday I was NOT IN THE MOOD for anything work because I was achey and my throat hurt. It was awesome then that only one of the four babies was present in the latter half of the day. But in the first half I had to continue working with the preschoolers on a dance myself and another teacher are preparing for the Spring Program, which entailed a lot of dancing and movement and was simply not cool. One of the parents of a baby let slip that one of the toddlers had bronchitis over the previous weekend (and said child had been coughing into my face all week), and I didn't know bronchitis was contagious. Now, I'm probably being a baby and don't have bronchitis since I have not been incubating a cold for a week or more or anything, but I've had a stuffy head, been feverish, severely aching and experiencing deep painful coughs that have contributed to a very unhappy throat. I've basically been overloading with DayQuil, Mucinex, Naproxen, and Emergen-C in an effort to rid myself of this BS as I am a giant crybaby when I'm sick and I hate going to work when sick. It seems to be relatively paying off, as my aches (the WORST for me, completely put me out of commission whenever I get them) have mostly subsided. The rest is manageable and I also bought cough drops, woo! But as a result, I lost the vast majority of my weekend to sleep/rolling around the bed/hobbling to various house locations pitifully, which was very disappointing as the weather was nice this weekend (in the 60's, where it's been in the 40's for the past week and will resume said crap this week). I was really motivated to get out and go running too!

I finished a Kindle book I recently purchased - 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. I purchased it when reading through a blog in which the woman was going through a job slump and she happened to mention keeping track of her time and trying to figure out how to make more time for herself in order to work on her core competencies and feel good about what she does. The book is pretty interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. I really liked how she continuously reiterated the need to hone your skills and focus on what you're good at. A large part references families, but it's easy to apply to my own life as well. It's made me very excited to attend the informational meeting about graduate programs tomorrow. I also watched a documentary on the failing public school system on Netflix (Waiting for Superman, if you're interested), a really interesting documentary on being open-minded and taking a severely autistic (though high-functioning) boy to shamans to see if there's any way to help him (The Horse Boy), one on the Scrabble tournament in 2004, and a really cheesy one about quantum physics that actually presented some unique information that has made me want to project a more positive outlook on myself. Yeah, so I guess I knocked off a bunch of Netflix queue stuff, but didn't do anything I really wanted to.

Oh, I DID knit a quick scarf with some lovely new yarn
as seen here: )

Oh, and as long as I'm adding pics... )

Jenny, the woman who started dying my bangs, did awesome at letting the black mix with the pink and since I've stopped going to her (the drive is just so damn FAR), I've tried my damnedest to keep the look going. I think I do a pretty good job, and is very cheap - I paid $14 for the "demi-permanent" pink dye, and am getting many uses out of it. Versus $20-$40 a pop when going to Jenny, plus tip and gas both ways.

On Friday Steve and I spent the afternoon texting in Haiku. It was awesome and adorable and omg I love our relationship.

Pat broke up with Faith on Friday AT OUR HOUSE OVER THE PHONE and got back together with her today, which everyone in the friends group disagrees with and he will be receiving very deep glares from me over the next week.
spritechan: (Higurashi - Rena gonna kill you)
I accepted a position working as an Assistant Teacher at a Montessori school in the same city that Steve works in. If he can coax his boss into letting him have the later shift (9-5:30 vs 8-4:30), we will be able to carpool. I'm fairly certain my hours will be 9-6 because they specifically said they wanted someone who could close, and thank god for that because the school opens at 6:30am DDDD: I am so ridiculously not a morning person that I don't even think I could manage that. Anyway, the position is full time and Montessori schools have programming year-round (so no worrying about having to find a summer job!). I have the option of advancement to be a teacher if I take their training courses in the future, and I definitely want to switch rooms in the future. They just opened up a young infant program and so that's where I'll be starting. Babies aren't my cup of tea but they're not overly stressful, and hey, maybe working in that room will make me like them more? When I told Faith she about pooped herself in jealousy. She's got mad baby fever.

As for my current job, I've pretty much checked out. Supposedly I'll find out who everyone on my caseload is going to by noon today... a whole two days before I'm leaving. Way to leave time to prepare and talk to the receiving case managers, guys. Woo. So I've mostly been sitting around doing nothing, or updating client profiles and such. I just want to be done - I'm so over it!

Friday I'm getting my IUD checked bright and early at 7:15am, and then I'm going to go fill out paperwork and do some training at 9:15 at the school ^_^ Steve and I have BOTH tried to find my IUD strings as told, and failed... I'm just hoping that they've just so successfully contoured to my body that they're hard to reach, and not that anything's gone wrong. I get afraid of that every so often because once in awhile I'll get a severe pang of cramps, though very briefly. Just freaks me out thinking I got an infection or the IUD shifted or something. I keep looking at the bill - $1500 - and thinking that everything better be okay because that shit was expensive! I wouldn't even go in for this check-up if I wasn't worried I could like, die of some infection if it went wrong. I hate check-ups - they're a waste of money. And I'm about to lose insurance for 2 months so this better be the only thing! Anyway, I have almost enough in my health savings account to pay for it - I'll only need about $100 out of pocket by the time I do pay it. But I'll be paying for the entire doctor's visit this time without my HSA. Thank god Steve and I have been saving like crazy. We'll have well over $5,000 in savings by the time I get my last check from MHR at the end of the month. And then moving in with his family until June or whatever will also be super great.

We watched Louis C.K.'s "Hilarious" the other night on Netflix and both almost died from laughter. Steve doesn't even laugh very often, let alone HARD, but we were both heaps of uncontrollable, gut-wrenching, teary-eyed, can't-breathe, laughing doofs. I would be Louis' friend in a heartbeat. I love Louis C.K. Especially when he talks about parenting, and technology.

So I have all of next week as a vacation week, with Steve having taken Monday and Tuesday off for Valentine's day. Not that we're a mushy couple, just that it's an excuse to spend time together around a holiday XD We don't even know if we're doing anything yet, and we don't plan on getting each other gifts (in keeping with our new ghetto-ish style of living in order to save more). Just extra cutie time together :)
spritechan: (Clannad - Okazaki Tomoya Hamburger?)
If only I wasn't tied to a man who desperately loves his family and friends. I would so, SO teach English overseas. At least for awhile. Probably in South Korea. But if I was alone, I'd be horrendously lonely. Suzi is teaching in Thailand right now, and taught in India prior to that. Jared didn't go with her to India (they hadn't been dating too long at the time that she left, but he DID visit!), but he did for Thailand. Max jelly. I feel like it'd be the easiest way to cheater-get-experience without actually having a degree. JFC I don't want to get another degree. I want experience to mean more.

Also, I finally decided that I need to work toward accepting that I am simply Chibi, and will always be chibi, and will not be skinny and flat. I AM CHIBI AND CHIBI IS CUTE. I love chibi characters so I should also love myself. Steve was all for this idea and told me in no  uncertain terms how attractive he finds me and always has. ;)

But I still need to work on my arms. It's very infuriating that spot training is so difficult, because I NEED not-flabby and fat arms. That's all I want. Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee! Seriously, been doing personal training since August with a fair amount of effort put on the arms, and there has been NO CHANGE to their size. Ugh. Bleh.
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa hs intense hug)
Last week I had all-day trainings on Thursday and Friday. They were super awesome and helpful, and half the people there were from my company, and 75% of those were from my specific location. The first day I was ultra crabby and tired from having been kept up by Grim all night, and I fully intended on being antisocial and spending the lunch hour sleeping in my car. Somehow I ended up with the MHR clique, and then life got better from there. On Friday after the training, I had to drive home from Minneapolis in rush hour, pick up Steve, and drive back in WORSE rush hour (because of the omgsomuch construction), and then wait in line outside to get into the venue because they were running a half hour late. The concert itself was amazing, and Lights is adorable. I fell more in love with her at the concert. She has a very cute stage presence and is clearly there because she enjoys it. The venue was really small and cozy. Afterwards we waited outside in the cold for 45 minutes so we could get an autograph. We were almost at the front of the line to begin with, so the majority of the waiting was just her changing and getting prepped for a billion autographs. She came out in an adorable winter coat (many people were in t-shirts and even I was just in a thin, zip-up hoodie) because it was DEFINITELY cold by 10:45pm in Minnesota. I got a signature on her album, and Steve and I each got to give her a hug! Yay! We're pretty much BFFs now ;)

On Saturday Steve and I went to Nick's sister's for a Halloween party, like we have done since we started dating. I was Catwoman, Faith was Supergirl, Steve, Nick, Scott, and Pat all went as characters from Final Fantas'y tactics. We mostly sat around and talked, and Nick's sister tried to set him up with a girl she worked with who went as a "retro zombie teacher." She came only knowing Megan, and was able to tolerate like 20 people she didn't even know. She was funny and cute, and shares similar interests, and now we all want her in the group regardless of whether Nick dates her. XD Everyone added her to Facebook but we can't Facebook stalk her because she either just got a Facebook, or doesn't put a lot of information to the public (even her pictures are only from Halloween, and she untagged herself in everyone's photos, leaving only ones she took!). Frustrating, but workable, haha.

On Sunday we ran some errands and then went to dinner with my family for Paul's birthday. It was pretty fun.

Yesterday morning after we got out of the shower I noticed Grim standing kinda funny in the corner by the bookshelves. He looked pretty stiff and his tail was shaking like it does when he's straining in the litter box. I pinned him down and felt him all over to see if he'd yelp, and he didn't. Then he walked around a little and made a couple sad meows before laying down, super-stiffly. He did this like 4 different times over the next half hour - he kept laying in positions that he must've thought would trick us into thinking he was comfortable. Like, on his back or side for tummy pets, curling his front paws to be cute, etc. I was not fooled! He was sooo sad and stiff. He was not pleased to get put in the carrier.

The vet said he was blocked but that his bladder wasn't full (aka I'm ridiculously in tune with Grimmy). She said when she went to unblock him that she was shocked at how small his pee hole is. Which is because of the scarring, and was always my worst fear/knowledge. When I clean the litterboxes it has always been very clear which pees were his and which were Nero's. Nero pees grapefruits and Grim pees... like prunes (and Grim used to pee grapefruits). She also said she had thought there was a stone in there because there was so much grit. Poor kitty :( We had a very serious talk about surgery vs putting him down. Actually we had a couple talks about the surgery throughout the day. Lucky for me I didn't have any work appointments yesterday (and I was able to move my Depo appointment to the afternoon) because I spent over 2 hours at the vet and then spent much of the rest of the day crying. I burst into tears at some point while waiting at the vet, started crying reading a magazine at the doctor's office, and pretty much any time I imagined a life without Grim. He's MY AGE in cat years. He is NOT going to die. I cried when I thought about the cost and how I was going to pay for it.

Steve and I talked it over via text all day, and in the end I asked for a personal line of credit from the bank that covers such things as "consolidating debt, tuition expenses, home improvements, and unexpected expenses". I was approved for far more than the surgery will likely cost, and the interest is 11.75% right now vs whatever like 29% on a credit card (or 3). I started to cry when telling the banker about my situation. But I was able to get it under control and she smartly waited until that point to express sympathy or else there would have been for real waterworks and comical inability to understand me. lol.

I spoke with the vet again and she stated that she talked to a surgeon that she trusts very much with the surgery. He works just down the street from the emergency clinic and said he might be able to swing the surgery for almost half the original cost (though I'm not sure how and will find out tomorrow - I am not willing to compromise Grim's pain for cheaper expenses). I am also transferring all of the cats' stuff to that clinic, because I don't trust Banfield and never want to go there again. I scheduled a consult + surgery for tomorrow morning before my appointments, and Steve is working his hardest to get at least a half day so I don't have to do it alone. I could have left Grim at the vet for the next couple of nights for less transportation trauma, but I think he is less traumatized overall by being home. I had to go in the back to get him into his kennel because he wouldn't let any of the techs touch him, and he had the "bad animal" towl over his cage :( I always feel bad because he's so sweet generally. He was VERY hissy and had stuck himself into the corner - for a minute I actually thought he might bite or scratch me, he was so upset. But he didn't and I got him into his carrier with little issue.

He's currently taking antibiotics to prevent infection, buprenorphine for pain (we're good friends with it by this time), and instead of the muscle relaxant he's had in the past, they prescribed him a small dose of an actual tranquilizer usually used to prep for anesthesia, to prevent him from straining and reblocking over the next two nights. I moved all of the cats' items (water, food, litter boxes) to our room. Well, the litter boxes are technically in the hallway but I can see them at all times. I also took away all dry food and give Grim treats after taking his medicine. He has made a permanent residence between the catboxes and the food, and hasn't drank ANY water that I've seen, but at least he is happily eating the wet food. The medicine is an appetite suppressant and can upset kitty tummies so I imagine he just isn't feeling it. He's been high ever since we got home - rubbing on EVERYTHING in his little zone, purring like a maniac if I pet him, wanting lots of pressure-intense pets. He also has spent a lot of time just staring blankly at everything, but not in the listless way as when he was doped up in the past. I would guess he's having some sort of hallucinatory effects, to be honest!

All this has pissed Nero off a great deal, as always. He's only used the litter box once and I haven't seen him eat or drink. Though he often drinks out of the bathtub because there's always water dripping from the faucet. He's mad because Grim smells funny and appears to be "guarding" everything. It's quite amusing to watch. Every so often Grim will get this crazy idea to taunt Nero, so he'll run super-enthusiastically over to him (but not even touch him!), and Nero will freak out and hiss and stumble backwards like a doof and get all offended. But mostly Grim just lays on the ground, perking up if you pet him.

I spent the night just moping in bed, not motivated to do anything but watch Steve play Persona 3 and Tumblr. My dad called me, all concerned because of the most recent Hyperbole and a Half, which I "shared" on Facebook. I explained to him that I HAVE been struggling a lot with depression over the past 2 months especially, but it's nothing new. I just really thought that was an accurate portrayal of what depression feels like. If I didn't have guilt, and the very real knowledge that if I were to allow myself to succumb like Allie and so many other people, life would only get that much harder. I'm a functioning depressive, but that doesn't mean I don't wish with all my heart that I could just lay in bed for weeks or months. I've done it before. But now I am accountable in different ways and it's not really an option right now. So I sulkily continue to sort-of function. But it was adorable that he called and wanted to talk about it. He admitted that he's coming to terms with these types of issues (finally! Around a decade ago he referred to Pam's medication as Quack Pills and scoffed at the idea of counseling), and encouraged me to seek help if I need it. I've been considered medication again, but I don't remember it really helping in the past, and I just don't have time for counseling. It was a pretty good talk, and I swear I like my dad more and more as we age. He's a pleasant man these days.

Hmm

Oct. 10th, 2011 02:56 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya hugs Nagisa)
I had kind of a tough weekend in terms of my mood. I was irritable for a good portion of it, and at one point it was very obvious that I couldn't even handle making a choice on what I wanted to do. I was overwhelmed and just laid in bed and stared at the headboard for like 20 minutes. Then Steve and I went on a walk and talked about my issues. We determined that the problem is that I haven't been receiving enough alone time.

I love being with Steve. I love spending every minute of every day with him. But my brain needs recharge time. We have a very full schedule, which includes lots of seeing friends, and not to mention personal training, which is not very flexible. It gets to be a lot for me. I became so "full" this weekend that I kinda had an overload and my dummy pilot took over and made me do absolutely nothing until I got the bare minimum of charge back into my batteries.

Steve fully encouraged me to let him know if I need quiet time or alone time. He's amazing and completely understanding, and it actually kinda seemed like he had just been waiting for me to ask him for some "me" time, because he'd already figured out what my problem was and knew that if he suggested it I'd be all Noooo because that's what I do. And because I feel guilty even though that's what I need and he's totally fine with that. Steve knows that I get a lot less Leah time than in the past, because at least when I worked overnights I had like 6 hours to do all my Leah stuff to relax. I steal that time from my current job, but only in bits and pieces and under penalty of feeling like a bad employee. So. From now on I will work to ask for time when I need it.

I feel a lot better about that now.
spritechan: (Default)

So... ended up having to stay late to assist a client who's not even mine (I was on day coverage, where you assist when another case manager is unavailable), and now it's too late for me to go home without feeling like it was a waste of gas, since I need to be going the opposite direction in like an hour to pick up a package from Minneapolis.

Backing up!

This weekend was mine and Steve's second anniversary. Saturday night Steve had to work, so I tried to stay up late working on an adorable present for him (HE DOESN'T USUALLY READ MY JOURNAL BUT IF HE HAPPENS TO BE READING HE BETTER STOP OR SPOILERS) for his birthday, a cross-stitched 3D weighted companion cube. XD His birthday's on the 14th of June. When he got home we had sexy debauchery, and then gift exchange. I was only able to give him one of my two presents because UPS is a cunt and kept NOT delivering the package.

I was notified on the 24th that they needed an apartment number. I called them. I told them there is NO apartment number, but if it makes them feel better, they can list apartment 1.

On the 25th, they called and said they couldn't deliver without an apartment number. I told them there is no apartment number, but if it makes them feel better, they can list apartment 1. They confirmed I've already told them this because it was in their system.

On the 26th, I received a call saying they could not deliver without an apartment number. I reminded them that there is no apartment number, and they can list apartment 1 if it makes them feel better. They confirmed I've already told them this because it was in their system.

On the 27th, they called to say they were delivering and it should be at my place by 4:30. At 5pm I called them. They said they tried to deliver (THEY DID NOT) but they couldn't because there was no apartment number and confirmed that I GAVE THEM AN UPDATE. The lady said it would be delivered by 8pm. At 9pm I called and asked why the fuck it wasn't delivered. I was told they never got around to it and it would not be delivered until Tuesday the 31st because of the holiday.

Today, I received a call at 8:30am saying they would deliver today. We went through the same schpiel. I asked Steve to stay up and watch for it because I was required to be at the office all day. At 1:30pm, he checked the tracking. At 10:31am it is listed that the package could not be delivered because of no apartment number.

...
...

Steve says he was literally propped in front of the window, running to the door any time he heard a truck noise and even went outside when he thought he heard knocking, even though we can see the door from the window. THEY DID NOT TRY TO DELIVER. My guess is they just kept repeating the same shit and NEVER tried to deliver after seeing the original note.

At this point, I am seeing RED. I called UPS, in near hysterics, and told the nice guy I am VERY upset with them. He listened to my story, confirmed everything I said, and basically said it looked like they did not, in fact, even attempt to deliver today. But the package was on the truck. He was able to change the delivery method to pick up, as the website says it will be returned to sender tomorrow, and I obviously can't trust them to deliver it. I was unable to change it myself because the website put my package on "exception." Whatever.

An hour later I got a call from a woman wanting me to explain the whole situation, and the thing is, I seriously don't get the difference between my apartment and the others. Their doors are set up exactly like mine - just a door. A LOCKED door. There are no calling systems, no buttons, no slots per apartment. It seriously SHOULD NOT matter that I didn't list an apartment, at least for the purpose of GOING TO THE FUCKING DOOR AND KNOCKING before saying it was impossible to deliver. She said that she found it weird because the same guy's been working my route for years. Well, he's a fucktard.

So because of all this, I could not give Steve his ADORABLE second gift. I got him 999 for DS (look it up, it's like Saw/Higurashi), and the package was Nintendo Monopoly, for the purpose of cute fun board games! He loved the idea and totally got why I was crushed at not being able to give it to him the day of.

He got me a super cute children's book of My Neighbor Totoro, an AWESOME necklace modeled after Ryuk's earring (OMGGGG YES), and the first book of Chobits. We are best EVAR.

Most of the rest of the weekend was either spent with nookie, or naps, or Final Fantasy VI/999 (I'm SO CLOSE to beating it, and I'm super OP because I'm trying to complete it). We also got our appointments set up for next weekend for tattoos, which are our MAIN anniversary gifts to each other - the other stuff was just extra cuteness! He's getting a cactuar on his other calf, and I'm starting my Miyazaki sleeve with Soot Sprites! They'll be winding up my forearm, and they'll have the candies! We were quoted much cheaper than expected, and sooner than expected, and the guy didn't poop on our ideas. Yay!!

P.S. Steve and I have now begun calling when I get mad "kicking off my shoes" because of a hilarious part in a Jon & Kate plus 8 episode where Madi is wearing dress-up heels and suddenly gets super pissed and did this hilarious jump-kick thing and her shoes flew so comically and effectively off. That's SO me XD I also asked Steve what percentage of the time he is annoyed with me, and he landed on 2-percent  - that which usually is when I get RAGING mad at a video game or kick off my shoes about dumb shit like the weather. So I got really mad at FFVI yesterday in a cave, and when Steve offered to help me get out of my tough spot, I said, "Do you still love me?" (we do this as a silly thing, not an actual co-dependent thing), and he said, "All but 2-percent of me does!"

Omg. It was so funny. I laughed so hard.
 


spritechan: (Higurashi - Rena gonna kill you)

So, I've been feeling more social than normal this past week. I hung out until 5am at NIck's on Friday/Saturday, mostly playing FFVI and me, Pat, and Nick gossiped a lot (Pat said to me at least 4 times this weekend that he loves how On I am about gossip in our circles. And my definition of gossip isn't a negative one, because it's not always BAD things. It's just sharing knowledge about people we know and discussing it! That DOES NOT make it negative.). Then I decided I wanted to throw a little party at our apartment, because hey! It's a large space and can fit a lot of people and it would be really fun! So I invited Nick and Pat and Faith, and we ran into Nikki on Saturday and invited him, and Nick brought Joe Waid. I invited Courtney too, and she came later :) It was really awesome to get basically the entire group together. Part of the reason I wanted a little party was to get as many people I like from this group together, and because I want to see more of Courtney, and because I wanted to drink a bit and Faith did too. And Nick and Pat. We all don't really drink all that often (except Nikki, he's a typical college kid living in a college town and college boy house where drinking is a daily occurrence).

Anyway, most of the time was spent talking and joking and trolling each other. We also watched a Jackie Chan movie, which was great entertainment, played some SSBB, and talked some more. It was really fun and I'm glad Courtney was able to come.

Then Pat and Faith left at like 4:15am. Soon after, we heard what sounded like knocks on the window, so we thought they came back because they forgot something. Joe Waid went to investigate, and saw this fat black woman smashing out the windows on Nick's car with a baseball bat! He was too shocked to say or do anything, and she took off in this getaway car (and he didn't get the license plate).

See the horrible pictures here.

It was very obvious that this was a target attack, because she didn't hit anyone else's car and Nick's was in the middle of the lot. We later did find what we assume was the ACTUAL vehicle she meant to hit. It was the same make and color as Nick's. The cop who came out told us that this is actually really common in our awesome ghetto neighborhood - angry exes slash tires or smash windows for revenge. He asked me how I liked it here, and I said I was fine, and never heard of anything happening here yet. He kept asking Nick if he was SURE he didn't piss anyone off. We reiterated several times that NONE of the people present except for myself was even from the area, and we know no black women. lol.

I'm not worried about my car; it's very unlikely that someone would mistake it - there are stuffed animals all over the back window area, and my windshield has a very noticeable crack running the entire length of it already. Steve's car can't get mistaken because it's an old-man car that no one else in the world drives XD I feel so so guilty and bad about Nick's car. What are the odds, seriously?! And Courtney and I had been making all these ghetto-themed jokes about what the noise was, while Nick's car was getting destroyed.

Steve gets all bonerific whenever I hang out with people, because he thinks it's so cute. He thought this weekend was especially cute because not only did I hang out with people of my own accord one night and play epic amounts of FFVI, I stayed with Nick after Pat left and waited until Steve got off work and the three of us had some cute time, but I made separate plans for the next night and had a REAL social gathering! ^_^

In preparation for this impromptu housewarming, Steve and I finished unpacking everything left. We also rearranged the living room the better suit our needs, vacuumed the carpet with deodorizer (it had been STINKY), and set everything up super cute. In fact, next entry I will post picutres of the place FINALLY. It is now very clear that we MUST paint that living room. It is ugly and bare and unwelcoming with those stark white walls D:

Zomg BlazBlue Continuum Shift 2 is coming out for the 3DS at the end of the month!!!! Crap. Now I HAVE to get a 3DS sometime. -_- Oh, I reserved a hotel for us for our trip to Distant Worlds. For the 6 of us, we get to stay in one room for $120! That's on'y $20 each! If we'd tried to stay the night in Chicago, it would have been ridiculously more expensive, and we'd have had to get two rooms. This way, it's perfect!

Okay, now to play FFVI! Steve's playing Halo: Reach and Nikki's on Skype with a friend while they play League of Legends. So social! Steve asked me if he had the #1 spot in my tags, I told him that I doubted it - so we looked up all my tags. Above him are "me", "relationships", "school", "life", "friends",... and "dan". He got all mock-offended about it and started teasing me about never writing about him and that Dan was more important or something. I was all, "I've been dating you two years and Dan was in my life for 5! What do you expect?!" and he was like, "You'd even have WAY more Dan tags if you hadn't lost those years from GreatestJournal!" And then it turned into this silly banter about how I now need to find a way to get a Steve tag into every entry, even if it's just a sentence XD I'm not gonna do that, but I will make more of an effort to write about our cutie relationship. I explained to him that I have so many Dan tags because I complained about him and our relationship A LOT. I whined soooo much about us, and the wishy-washiness I felt about him, especially over that last year. I have nothing to complain about with Steve, so I get half the reasons to write about him :P
spritechan: (Grim it's been a long day)
I called the cops on the couple upstairs again. I honestly feel like I should have a bunch more times, but unless I hear something distinct, I can never tell if it's a fight or coincidence (and it's not illegal to get into screaming matches). I learned something new - the woman is a small younger Asian, and she did not look beat up, and her face did not look the way it had sounded just minutes before, which was a relief.

I guess they actually spoke to the police officers in a more meaningful way this time, stating that they just get loud and the woman said she was really stressed and that makes her shriek, basically. The cops said something like, "Yeah, I mean, all couples argue, but when you concern neighbors... blah blah blah." I really wish that I could just be there to be like:  I AM AFRAID FOR YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU SCREAM LIKE THAT AND I HEAR HEAVY THUDS. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE A BITCH, I AM NEARLY LITERALLY TERRIFIED OUT OF MY SKIN. D:

It's one of those things where, on the one hand, what I hear scares the shit out of me and always sounds like a murder in progress. Which then makes me feel like the cops are assisting in this culture of violence by waving it off with the couple and laughing like "Ohhh yeah, you guys! What silly relationship antics you get into! You even bug the neighbors!!" On the other hand, how many times do I have to say that Dan and I fought like hell too, and it would have been really embarrassing to get the cops called on us, because it really was over nothing. We were just loud and stupid and stomped around, angrily trying to see who could one-up the other in the insult department.

Actually seeing the woman helped me out SO much. By the time the cops got here, she was standing outside the door with her keys, probably so mad that she wanted to leave, but (I found out when the cops asked) she's the lease-holder, and he's not, so she has nowhere to leave to even if she does. I wanted so desperately to talk to her, at least get an idea of what her life is like and whether she is actually in an abusive or just loud relationship, and EXPLAIN to her that I was trying to make sure she wasn't dying - nothing more.
spritechan: (Grim it's been a long day)
Literally. I was laying in bed with Steve after I got home from work, naturally sans uncomfortable jeans, and we were dozing. I had a long day at work, and Steve had to go to bed late because he had to take his car in. I heard several thudding sounds and what I thought was yelling. I immediately was awake and on edge, listening very closely. With loud sounds you can almost never tell if someone tripped, dropped something, or got smacked to the floor. I was especially on edge because a few days ago I heard suspicious noises but was unable to confirm whether it was a fight. The second I heard "No, stop" followed by another thud, I popped out of bed, whipped my pants on, and ran (quietly) out the secret back door we have that goes to the rest of the apartments.

This is not a neighborhood where if there's physical violence going on, that you can just go tell them to stop. You're likely to end up in a bad situation yourself. It's definitely the type of neighborhood where everyone mind's their business. This became more obvious to me when I realized that, unlike the apartment we viewed within the complex but a different building, there are two residences on each side, instead of one. That means that if *I* can make out words through the CEILING, the people next to them surely hear more. Anyway, I wanted to again confirm I heard what I thought I heard, so I snuck up to their door. I head what sounded like "I'll slap you again", so I ran back to my apartment and called 911. For some reason, whenever I dial that number, I get the biggest surge of adrenaline EVER. I shake uncontrollably and my voice shakes too.

Three policemen ended up coming out, and I was careful to not be seen (don't want to make enemies). I heard the guy tell them before I was in my apartment (but out of sight) that the noises that were heard "were from a different floor" but he did admit they were arguing. How could he not, when the police entered the house and saw her crying? They stayed for like 10 minutes talking to the couple. I hope she's okay. The thing I've been wondering is, what happens when the cops leave, especially if he can't exactly take it out on her (well, he can, but he hasn't) since she didn't call them. Do they just sit and stare at each other? People in violent relationships don't just then calmly talk things out. I wonder what they do.

I haven't been in a physically violent (romantic) relationship, and the only experience I have personally in couples is where both people are beating the crap out of each other, so they both feed off of that rage. But what about when the one is submissive and crying and being demeaned and threatened? It's awful. While I'm glad I called, I'm still worried about the future for her. And I'm worried I'm going to have to call again, since this is obviously not a one-time thing. I hope I bought her some peace for awhile.
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)
It's cute when you ask your boyfriend what he's doing at work and he says,

"Just thinking about the future a lot actually! XD"

I reply, "Whatcha thinking bout?!"

He says, "Everything! What I wanna go back to school for, where and when we will go when we leave MN, how many kids I want, the timing of the kids, etc! So much to think about!"

Awww.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel guilty when I eat cereal. Cause like, I KNOW I shouldn't be consuming so much grain. Bread too. But right now, cereal is the easiest way to not spend so much money while being able to get enough for both of us before we move. And Steve has already promised me that he's basically switching to a cereal diet when we move, because that's how he likes it. So I might have to plan for food for just me, other than bentos and the occasional meal. I want that book on nutrition, dammit! I'm pretty much obsessed with food, and Steve takes any chance he gets to point out that I sound just like my parents, and that I'm kind of a "food elitist" now. Which... is likely true, but I didn't realize how important food was before!

As a result of his trying to make me feel guilty for stopping drinking energy drinks, I was teasing him the other day that in drinking his energy drinks, he's basically consuming pure cancer. XD He's cut way back though - I haven't seen him drink any at home in awhile. He's actually down to one a day. Tea is like my lifesaver. It helps me consume a lot more water than I normally would have (and I currently only drink out of a travel mug, so it's 16oz - and hey, I just noticed it's a Starbucks mug... weird! I don't drink Starbucks), AND keeps me from drinking soda.
spritechan: (Lost - Jin and Sun)
So, it turns out that the problem with my phone WAS the battery XD I got the new phone in the mail, and it wouldn't turn on! When exchanging phone units, you keep your sim, charger, and battery, btw. So we took it into the T-Mobile store, and the woman got it to START the turn-on process (at which point Steve and I were gaping, because we couldn't get it to do ANYTHING), and then she literally threw the battery and went in the back and found a spare (yayyy no waiting for a new one to be shipped!). It's really cool that I got a new phone anyway, without dents, and a clean slate. My pictures and apps transferred to the new unit (I had only a couple - an egg timer and stop watch XD). I added a really cool app that claims to show the CallerID of incoming calls, and purports to have a call-blocking feature. I'm testing it out with a telemarketer that calls me ALL the time. They stopped calling for a couple weeks after calling 2-4 times every day for several months, but it started again last week. I'm hoping it actually DOES block the calls, especially since I know for a fact that the dial-outs are a machine until they hear a voice, at which point you are transferred to a real person (I've tried to ask them to stop calling before).

If AT&T actually buys T-Mobile (the merger is still planned but not a hundo percent, last I heard), I'm totally getting an iPhone if they ever offer it. ^_^ Although, at this point, they're still saying they won't. Depending on how the merger goes, I might actually switch carriers. As discussed previously, I already pay a large chunk to T-Mobile. If prices were to change due to AT&T messing with the data plan prices and whatnot (T-Mobile's is cheaper than AT&T's), I'd probably wait until I was able to break the contract without penalty, via the contract opening up as a result of this merger, and maybe get Verizon? I never hear anything about Sprint, and Verizon's the main competition for AT&T. *shrug* Who knows?!

On Saturday I went out to dinner with my dad's family. It was nice, we just talked a lot and had a good time. Nothing major. On the way home I noticed I needed oil, so I went to get some from a nearby gas station. Then I noticed I didn't have my wallet. Crap. I last saw it at the restaurant we were at, because I had taken it out to show my ID for a margarita. When we got there, the hostess asked if I needed a kids menu. A kid's menu that says '8 and under' on it. Now, I know I may look young, but you gotta be kidding! XD I thought it was hilarious and she was super embarrassed.

Anyway. So, I was worried about running out of oil, because I don't know at what point my car tells me I need it. Is it DIRE? Or just a , "Hey, you should put a couple quarts in me in the near future, but it's all g for a little longer!" But driving to get my wallet was really the only option, unless I could pay the cashier in a few coins and plushies. I typed the location into my handy phone GPS and got there just fine, and they had it waiting for me (there was a terrible moment as I neared the location where I feared it fell out in my dad's car and wasn't at the restaurant at all)! Then there was the issue of putting cool oil in a hot car, but at 11pm in a strange area, I didn't feel like waiting 20 minutes. I need an oil change anyway. The old Leah would have gotten upset, panic-stricken, and likely angry as a reaction, but I was very proud of how calm and accepting I was. I attribute some of this to self-growth, but mostly to Steve teaching me how to accept the things I can't change, and even if they suck, it's better to have a good attitude than a shitty one. <3

On Sunday Bethany called to vent about how stressed she is because their downstairs neighbor is harassing her and Sarah about the kids running around the apartment. Bethany said she and Sarah weren't home for the initial incident, so they went and talked to her on their own time. They describe the lady as a meth head (scraggly, skinny, rotted teeth), and that she said around 8 or 9pm she needs to "wind down" and that the kids need to be quiet. Bethany said the kids go to bed at 9pm. The lady mentioned that it's fine in the morning and during the day though, so Sarah said, "...so, you're home all day?" Meant to get a grasp of the lady's schedule and to probably somewhat insinuate that she doesn't have a difficult schedule, and the lady took it as quite insulting. :P She also yelled at them about cigarette butts on her deck, but Bethany says they never throw their butts, and it's probably the people above them. I just told her to complain to the managers if she doesn't stop, because they need to be able to live. Cayden just turned 1 and Tristan just turned 2; they don't understand why they can't play "too loud", and Cayden's a chunker who just learned to walk so he naturally walks heavy. I just feel bad because that EXACT situation is what Bethany was worried about. Thank god Steve and I live on the ground floor, seriously. I can't stand that stuff.

Oh, and this is my last week with People Inc. I'm not mad at it, nor do I hate it, but since I have a tag about leaving a job, I'm using it XD I'm really excited to start my new job, and to have a week off inbetween to prepare, and also to switch my sleep schedule. It's going to be so weird! Steve and I packed most of our things on Saturday. All we have left is a few odds and ends, all the big stuff (furniture, shelves, computer etc.), the systems we're using, and clothes we need for the next 2 weeks. Otherwise, we're getting ready to go! I wish we could just drop by and throw the boxes in the place even if we can't unpack them yet. So antsy!
spritechan: (Lost - Hurley list on arm for Jack)
I had a pretty awful day yesterday and ended up spending almost the entirety of the day at the vet and then the emergency clinic, and most of the time spent inbetween was through moping and sleeping.

Grimmy got blocked up again, and acted the same as last time: tried to pee, sat on the floor, meowed mournfully and gave me reproachful looks. When they looked at him they said he was worse than last time and they'd want to leave the catheter in for a few days. Money spent: $310. Then they recommended taking him to a 24-hour clinic nearby so he can be monitored at all times. What I didn't know was that this place is actually where the kings of the world visit when they want to stay at a hotel. The bill range for keeping Grim there? $1300 to $2500. Soooo... since the 5th I have spent a minimum of $2500 on this.

Now, money is just money. Grim is far more important to me than any money. HOWEVER. Vets here don't allow payment plans. They require everything up-front RIGHT NOW. So for people like me who make around $1000 every two weeks, it's going to hurt. People wonder why our society views pets as disposable. I would be sitting so pretty if I'd have just paid to put Grim down. And what happens if he gets sick AGAIN (which is, sadly, quite common) and I can't afford it? I couldn't even afford it NOW - the vet allowed me to open a $3000-limit credit line with a 27% interest rate if I don't pay it off quickly. I have enough if I use my credit cards and my entire savings, but I need to be able to pay my other bills and rent too. It's ridiculous and sad. 

Despite this bullshit, I still am steadfastly not going to give up on Grim. There is what's considered the "three strike rule" with his condition, and after the third blockage they recommend surgery. The surgery itself sounds horrific: they remove the most distal part of the penis and widen the opening, while creating a new urethra and bypass the old one. The issue again is: HOW MUCH DOES IT COST. Nowhere I've looked gives numbers, except for in Canada for $1200. Unfortunately, Canada is not the US and probably has better rates. Not to mention the healing process. I really, desperately hope it doesn't come to that.

I became very angry when I got an update from them. I didn't want them to do bloodwork, because last week it showed he was within normal ranges. I was told they "pretty much have to - no, they HAVE to." And, as I thought, it was FINE. I am a very aware parent, and I would not let him suffer. I mean, I was on constant alert, and he was still able to get some pee out, so I figured his kidneys were okay. And they are. And fuck you for taking my money. What I DID pay for that I didn't EXACTLY (on the outright) need to was to replace the catheter. They said that the one in him was very rigid and at risk for kinda making things worse with inflammation, so they "offered" to replace it with a softer one. In the call they said it was good I agreed because it was actually kinked and now he's more comfortable. Half the problem is that he's in pain and therefore his urinary sphincter closes as a reaction and prevents him from peeing. He needs to be comfortable in order to pee. It's a vicious cycle. Ugh.

Steve and I still went out to eat, a quiet lunch, and exchanged gifts (in a more subdued fashion than normal). I got him a tshirt with an adorable moogle on it and Epic Mickey (it was on sale on Amazon and I had a gift card), and he modeled, photoshopped, and framed an adorable inside cuteness. Instead of the big dango family, he made dangos with a danbo and made it the big danbo family using engrish and other cute phrases. It was adorable and great. I love homemade gifts. I also gave him a cute handmade card with Link and heart pieces and drew pictures and wrote all over it. Last year on our anniversary I bought him a card (my family is a family of Card Buyers) and he made me one that ended up being a billion times better, so I had to one-up him. Especially because he still makes fun of me for buying him a card ;)

He has been wonderful through all this. He wants to comfort me but I think I push him away, because a hug isn't going to fix my problems. Talking with him helps, and him being understanding about my need to feel these sad feelings and be depressed and sleep and sit on the floor of the shower and have a flat affect and appear cold is really helpful. He's there for me all the way, and I'm grateful for him.

Aaaanyway, I'm ridiculously depressed and mopey. Gonna eat some food and stare at the wall a lot wishing I could be home in bed. Keep Grim in your thoughts!
spritechan: (Dilbert - I have a good attitude)
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First off, I would like to say that I think either half the people answering the question are liars, or only the "good" ones are answering, because I know A LOT of people who snoop on their significant other. I even know a girl who didn't want her boyfriend talking with this one girl, so she'd go into his email and facebook and delete any messages or emails she'd send him.

I don't think that you should snoop on your partner, no. It causes a lot of issues. I've read some of Steve's texts before and he's done the same to me, but never out of suspicion or anger. I remember him saying something to me a few months ago like, "If you read my texts, whatever you do DON'T go into my drafts folder. It's where I keep my list of gift ideas for you." And I haven't, because I know it's true.

The interesting thing about him is how trusting he is. He's like the perfect person when it comes to showing resiliency. He discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend through their comments to each other on MySpace. Not messages, COMMENTS! Who knows what the hell they were messaging each other?! Most people would then be wary of the next social networking addict. But he's not. We're both very open about what we're doing. Anything we ask the other, we answer. Once I made a stupid drunken decision (something like, "HEYYY WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE LET'S EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERRRRS." I think. He might have asked me.) at a party with some douche, and when Steve asked who I was texting and I told him the story, he (rightfully, especially considering he's straight-edge and thinks drunk people are stupid) got angry with me. With no qualms I immediately texted the guy saying that we should no longer speak (he had been texting me a lot since the party, but only like one-word texts) because we had no reason to (which is true), and deleted the number out of my phone to show that I didn't mean any harm and it meant nothing to me. And all was well.



Now, I'm not perfect. I HAVE been snoopy before.

When I was with Dan, there was a serious lack of trust and we snooped on each other all the time (granted, we were together from the ages of 16-21, therefore started young). For me, I felt justified. I found lies everywhere I looked. One of the biggest lies was when I should have been smart and called it quits, but I'm a ninny. We were going to school four hours apart and he hadn't called me for a few days. I signed into his facebook to get a friend's phone number that he lived with, and being 18 and curious, I checked his messages. In there I found several between him and an ex, which hurt a lot because 1. He was NEVER close with his ex. They met in MEXICO on a mission trip, didn't live near each other, and didn't yet have licenses or cell phones and therefore rarely talked. 2. He went many stretches of time without any contact with me at all. The most recent one was dated the previous day, apologizing for not calling her back AFTER TALKING TO ME (when he'd always say he was tired and wanted to get off the phone, etc.). I confronted him; he outright lied about it, even after I told him I was staring directly at the message.

There were hints about him visiting her "again." When asked about this, he said she was referring to a long time ago and wanted to see him but he wouldn't. Of course, not believing him, I signed into MSN and started a conversation with her. To be fair, she sounded like she was only interested in hanging out and was totally open to talking to me, knowing who I was. What I learned from her was that he went to a different state to visit his friend and herself. That he drove like 6 hours to see them. When he couldn't be assed to even talk to me.

I was so mad that if he'd been present, I might have seriously scratched his eyes out. I was RAGING. We talked for like three hours as he tried to convince me to not break up with him. And eventually I relented. And then spent another 3 years of the same old shit. After we broke up but I continued to live with him for a time, a bunch more stuff I never knew about came trickling out of him. He thought it was funny, how much he lied to me.

I guess I have some issues after Dan, but I trust Steve. He's given me no reason to be suspicious of his behavior, so I treat him that way.

spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)
Steve and I have begun seriously looking for places. We have a list of places jotted down and this weekend visited an apartment and its neighborhood. The apartment was okay. It had a good kitchen, met my closet space needs, and had a large bedroom. It even had a sort of nook where we could keep the litter box. The living room was tiny. The lady was a bitch for no reason, and asked very snarkily if I've rented before (I have, like three times. And I have good credit.). She said that two people can't live in a studio - that it must be a 1-bedroom. Wtf, no. Steve and I want a studio because we've basically been living in a tiny studio for a year now. Why waste space with extra walls?

My criteria:
-Lots of closet space (sharing a closet right now is KILLING us)
-Room for shelving
-A kitchen that is not suffocatingly small
-Place for litter boxes that is inoffensive
-Prefer garage

Steve's criteria:
-Not too busy, but not too in the middle of nowhere (not urban, but not 10+ minutes to a highway)
-Preferably in or around Oakdale (he's so gai for that city)
-Shorter lease for option of relocating
-Enough overall space to not feel suffocated (very much would like a big studio)
-Doesn't want to live in a "ghetto" or "white trash" area

We both want a ground floor place and prefer heat/water/trash included in rent.

So.. we don't conflict on the issue, but location is FARRR more important to him than me, and my need for closets and a garage are lesser to him. XD His parents will inevitably cry about wherever we move, because they're... ah... somewhat prejudiced, and consider anywhere outside their cul-de-sac a dangerous area. Especially if there is a black person sighting -_- Having worked in North Minneapolis (quite a dangerous area) and where I work in St. Paul now is also considered seedy, I'm not really afraid unless I got mixed up in drugs, which I won't. So there!

We're looking to move any time between now and April. We originally planned for April since the snow will be melting by then (whereas we got another few inches YESTERDAY) and it would be less hassle. But I think we're both quite itching to be on our own! We're gonna look at another apartment/neighborhood today. The area is by Lake Phalen, and Steve has some fears of the Lake Phalen area, especially in terms of ghetto-ness, so we're gonna scope it out.

I just threw this together on a print-screen because I <3 it: ^_^
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa nap)
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Fad resolutions are stupid, but I do have some goals that also coincide with... right now.
  • HEALTH: I need to work at my weight again. I've ballooned back up to 130+. I need to make healthier meals again. The reason I've been able to stay in the lower 120's the past year and a half was when I was basically starving myself. It's not healthy, and even though I know it works for the moment, the second I start eating, my body packs on the pounds. I have a slow metabolism anyway. I've started making yummy healthy lunches and watching my portions. I also plan on exercising more (I say "plan" because I use DDR in winter for exercise, and I'm waiting on one of the step plates to come in - Steve cracked one and we're afraid of damaging the delicate interior, so we ordered another). My goal for the summer is to get outside and put my new step-ups to good use, vs. sleeping all day.
  • FINANCES: Another that I'm working on is my finances. Steve and I are saving for our own place. I've been VERY good about putting a minimum of 10% of each paycheck into savings (and actually, I put 10% BEFORE taxes in, so it's a chunk more than my final checks) since we decided to start saving. I'm paying more than the minimum balance towards my student loans as well after each paycheck. My current goal is to get my credit card back to zero. I've been smart about my credit limit and have kept it low in comparison to many peers, so I have a lower balance total to pay off, haha. It's still a pretty good chunk of money, and I've been neglecting paying it off for far too long. I need to get a budget going again. US Bank is telling me they might start a budgeting category, and categorize your spending. I think it'd be a good slap in the face to tell me how much I actually spend on food and games. I need to limit my "fun" spending. I make enough money where I CAN buy whatever I want, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD ALWAYS.
  • FAMILY: I'd like to see more of my nephew. I need to spend some time with my sister. I have a goal of visiting her at least one weekend a month.
  • HOUSING: I have a goal to be moved into a place by April.
  • RELATIONSHIP: I have a goal of being less randomly, irrationally jealous. Steve doesn't deserve that, and I have no reason to be a bitch. When I'm being like this, and Steve asks me why, I will think and think and think, and I literally have NO IDEA why I'm feeling such raging jealousy. What the fuck, me? I need a better attitude overall, honestly. I get so shitty during the winter months.
  • SELF: I need to figure out a way to have higher self-esteem, to accept myself for the way I am. I spend a ridiculous amount of time pining for so many things that I just won't be, physically. Maybe read some books or something. I'm not ugly, so I don't know why I'm not okay with me.
  • GAMING: I don't have a number goal because that would stress me out, but I have a goal to actively play more games instead of taking forever to beat just one. I have over 200 games to beat - time to get to it! And read more manga and watch more anime!
I think that about covers it for now!

And I don't really think there's anything to do with "sticking" to them. I'm constantly working on making healthy eating a "lifestyle" vs a "diet," so I will struggle with ups and downs, but ultimately come back to the same place. Self-esteem and body image are also ongoing battles. A relationship always requires work. As do finances and housing.

I think I'll do very well on my goals this year. :)
spritechan: (FFIX Vivi)
-My work internet wouldn't let me access LJ the other day and I haven't been on the internet really otherwise for a few days.

-I presented my agency stuff yesterday in class. The professor was successfully schmoozed by my fancy words and knowledge of the agency (I did my internship there after all) and ability to talk to the class, so I can't imagine not getting an A on that. Now all I need to do is finish organizing my portfolio for Dec. 1, and I am DONE. DONEEEE.

-Steve officially gave me permission to open my presents whenever I want as of yesterday afternoon, so I'm waiting until I get home from my benefits meeting around 10am to open them technically a day early ^_^

-I beat Tales of Symphonia and started Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I loved Tales' ending. It was sweet and cute, and I'm glad I played it. Uncharted is completely different, but I watched Steve play it and it's one of those few bro games that he adored. I'm literally halfway through the game right now, earning my first-ever trophies for the PS3! I took yesterday off of work so I had the time, and I'm taking tomorrow off of work too for Harry Potter and birthday stuff.

-Had a uretie (that's my urethra's nickname, pronounced yoo-ree-tee) scare that actually pushed me to placebo myself with a prescription cipro pill, tons of cranberry/vitamin C, and even AZO, which never fails to make me want to vomit. I feel better though. All is well.

-Uretie scare was possibly the result of an amazing romp.

-I am going to be very busy this weekend, but I'll be thinking of youuu! <333
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