My Autism

Dec. 13th, 2012 02:04 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

spritechan: (Lost - Locke jealous island speaks to me)
So... Being too busy has begun to get to me, heh. On Sunday night I got more anxious than I have been in quite some time and I didn't fall asleep until just before Steve came to bed around 3am (He took a 5-day weekend to use up his remaining vacation time before the year ends), and then of course when he woke me up the anxiety cycle restarted. I ended up calling in Monday and yesterday, to catch my breath and also to spend some time with Steve. I mean, I still had school on Monday, and I had a chiro appointment that I ultimately skipped, but it was still good to actually get sleep on not be stressed with the new trimester. I'm definitely over all the rules and controlling of Bath and Body works. I can't wait to be done. I just am not interested in the way it's run, especially with that one manager I simply can't stand. She's rude. And omg my time is so busy. Ughhghghhghhh.

So instead I got to play copious amounts of Rock Band 3!

Pat told me yesterday that it was "refreshing" to have someone who consistently wanted to do vocals. I was surprised because I feel like a bossy twat whenever I'm on vocals, simply because I don't like to do anything else. Guitar Hero I can play on guitar, and I was quite good at it at one point when I lived at Dan's parent's house and played with Michael, but for some reason it just isn't the same on Rock Band. Probably because there's soooo much repetition of notes versus variety. I just HATE the guitar. And let's face it, I am not a drummer. I like to sing, and I can USUALLY figure out pitch. Whenever ANYONE (usually female) asks to sing when I'm being vocals, I get all stiff like they think I'm hogging them and I need to share. I think I might be paranoid. XD

That 70's Show is so good. We've switched back to that being out background show. And omg Breaking Bad is amazing. We finally started the 5th season and it's GREAT.

I'm dyeing my hair Christmas colors this time... I was originally going to do a pink/green/purple or pink/green/blue combo, but then Steve pointed out that it's the holidays, so we got some red and I'm working on the colors right now! I'll post a pic when finished.

When I was at school on Monday, the professor asked for a show of hands who planned to do the hybrid program (mostly online), or the traditional program (once a week face-to-face). Most people raised their hands at hybrid. The class was about half that of when we started. This is due to a combination of people dropping out of the program with a smattering of people who didn't need the course. It was weird. My 3 favorite people were still in it, so I sat by them this time so I didn't have to get stuck with annoying guy. Anyway, during the break one of the students talked with the professor about the differences in the programs, and apparently the professor told them that while the face-to-face program does require the attendance commitment, there's a lot less busy work and most of the work is done in class. Ugh. WHYYY SO MEAN!?!?!? I mean, I get it. They want to make sure students are learning when not attending class so they assign a bunch of things. Is attending a class once a week a good trade-off for not having a ton of independent work? I'm so torn!

P.S. the urologist called back with my test results and said that even though my numbers were far improved, I was still showing some of that bacteria they don't want, so it's back to no sex for a couple weeks and a mega dose of medication. AND another follow-up appointment. Woo.

Oh god.

Nov. 26th, 2012 10:07 pm
spritechan: (I have to go sit in my house by myself)
It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.
spritechan: (Default)
Apparently even if my old colleagues really want me at MHR, administration doesn't. I appear to have burned a bridge with them by leaving, and it hurts something fierce. But! In my sorrow I have applied to a minimum of 17 other jobs since Friday or so. I HAVE to have a different job before the end of the month or I might go crazy. It would be awesome if I could just take some time off when school starts and look for jobs then, but we need my piddly income for any 'fun' stuff we may do. Sigh... In the meantime, I desire to burst into tears/storm out at least three times a day. Woot!


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

spritechan: (Friends - Moo Point)
It's amazing that, after several horrible weeks with temperatures 95 degrees or above, a day where it's 84 degrees at its hottest point doesn't even make me break a sweat. In the morning it was 78 and it felt downright chilly. Such is the power of acclimation.

I've been spending my time over the past couple days reading It by Stephen King, mostly because it's been smiling slyly at me for many a moon, and artly because sooo many people had a cow during and after reading it. I'm skeptical of their loud views, because I can't really imagine SK being any different in his vulgarity than any of his other books. The worst thing I have ever read was a description in Different Seasons of an ex-Nazi soldier killing a cat in an oven. Typically I literally skip anything that describes an animal mutilation because it is just Too Much for Me (human mutilation, on the other hand, is perfectly stomachable), but I fucked up hardcore in that book, and it ruined my life. But I have a suspicion that AFTER reading the cat's death was when I resolved not to read the section of vivid animal torture.

I digress.

I'm almost halfway (the book is 1074 pages hardcover), and so far it feels like classic King. I haven't been scared thus far really, though I expected it as most of his older works haven't had that effect on me (though Misery is still probably the scariest book I've read by him, where there was a part that literally made me jump, I was that absorbed in the scene), not to mention I remember seeing the movie a couple times as a child and not being afraid. I've enjoyed the character development and the way the book has woven together up to this point. I've reached a turning point for the characters and I'm excited to find out what lies around the next corner.

Otherwise I'd been holding my breath for the transitional case manager position at MHR, and when I heard nothing I checked the site to see if maybe they were waiting for me to apply online as well, and to my horror the position was gone! After I talked to them and everything! I was very dismayed at first, but then I clicked on a new position up which was titled Senior Case Manager. I was curious and clicked on it, and it appears to be the Transitional position under a new name. A new name that sounds WAY cooler omg. I immediately applied and followed up on facebook with two of my connections, hoping it'll get me an interview. My stomach is all jumpy and nervous, and I really, desperately want it. I want to pull my goddamn hair out at work constantly. I'm suffocating and you have no idea how badly I just want to tell them to fuck off. I cannot WAIT to put in my two weeks (but then I KNOW those two weeks will be hell while everyone hates me). Just want outttt.

Meer Meer

May. 21st, 2012 08:48 pm
spritechan: (Avatar - Tui and La)
Job hunting sucks. But I greatly improved my resume tonight.

In other news, I learned yesterday that my friend Mikey's mom died a short while ago. If you recall, Mikey is my friend who killed himself in January of '09, right after leaving a small group party (read: 4 people) we were both at. His mother struggled immensely in the aftermath of his death (he really was a most wonderful person and I'm glad I told him so like a billion times that night), and while I don't know for certain as it is rude to ask such details, I am fairly sure that she chose the same path he did. She was only 41/42 years old. I sympathize dearly with the surviving son/sibling. I hope he does not choose to follow in their footsteps. Very tragic.
spritechan: (Lost - Made with Jears)
I spend a lot of time on the internet reading blogs about how to be a better person. Or being on school websites on how to be a more "educated" person. Or on tumblr about how to be a funnier person. But mostly I read about other people's lives and compare them to my own and try to figure out what I can learn about myself in order to be a happier, more fulfilled person.

Because to be quite honest, I experience anhedonia more than I think I should. I haven't yet figured out if it's just my brain being bored/not stimulated enough, or if it's because I haven't found what makes me *truly* happy.

I often find myself discussing with people who revere the things I've done in my life (things like becoming a CNA and taking care of old people, working with children with autism, working in group homes, working with the mentally ill on a deep level) and feeling silly. Silly because they think I am a "special kind of person" and all the amazing differences I have made in people's lives. When I left MHR, I struggled with massive guilt because I had clients frantically calling me to make sure they got to tell me how much they enjoyed having me as a case manager and what I meant to them.

This does not help my guilt because when I am working with people, I genuinely feel that while I am *good* at it, I am pretty much phoning it in. Maybe I AM a special kind of person. The horrible kind where you look like you genuinely care, and do in fact on a deep level, but because of the stress and constant letdowns you force yourself to close off these feelings for further examination and experience at a different time when it is not immediately affecting you. The kind of person who actually feels impatient after working with a certain type of people for awhile because you already have been through this a thousand times. And yet somehow my indifference goes unnoticed and apparently is received as heartfelt concern.

Ugh, I'm being hard on myself. But that's really how I feel like I get. I get to a point where I start convincing myself that I don't care and everything about the people I work with annoys the shit out of me.

Relevant because I've been seriously looking into Special Ed. licensure programs (I need to amend to state that I can't actually get a Master's in anything Teaching without a license, and if I get a Special Ed license it will, in effect, make me eligible for any future teaching degrees and legally able to teach in the U.S.) and even completed a FAFSA. I think if I choose this program I will go to Bethel as it seems to fit these needs the best.

But.

I am deeply unsure if I should have a career working with people because it's what I'm good at vs something that I don't get burned out on after 6 months. I am very concerned and stressed about this issue. Why must everything burn me out? Is it something I'M doing, or the work, or what? Hau~   -_-

I am definitely discussing this on the walk tonight with Steve.

---------

In other news, Steve and I have created some goals )
spritechan: (TWEWY - Phones peek)
...I loved being a case manager.

There. I said it.

I loved following documentation guidelines and feeling productive, successful, and like I was making a difference. I loved feeling important, and like what I did mattered.

....


What I hated (and eventually drove me away) was the unpredictability of the clientele. I hated that I could have an entire day meticulously planned and it would all go to shit because one (or 4) clients were having crises, meltdowns, or in a sticky situation due to poor decisions or whatever that they felt entitled to have me fix.

I'm not saying my job is intolerable, because it's not. I can do this. But I hate feeling like a glorified babysitter in a negative setting, and I panic when I think about the lead teacher going on bed rest/maternity leave and I'm all by myself. The toddler classroom now has 13 kids to the teacher (when the ratio is supposed to be 7:1) and I'm terrified we'll get licensed for more babies before summer's up and I might get trapped with more than 4 babies. It'd be a nightmare. And I seriously don't like babies.


I may be looking at and potentially applying to basically the exact same job, only with the DD/TBI/etc population. I loved working with Autism and while it's my preferred area, it appears to be a lot of others' as well. Being "special" does not guarantee crisis all the time and certainly doesn't mean entitlement (though I won't say it doesn't exist, I have rarely seen it in the population I have met).

That is all. *sheepish*
spritechan: (Higurashi - Rena gonna kill you)
I accepted a position working as an Assistant Teacher at a Montessori school in the same city that Steve works in. If he can coax his boss into letting him have the later shift (9-5:30 vs 8-4:30), we will be able to carpool. I'm fairly certain my hours will be 9-6 because they specifically said they wanted someone who could close, and thank god for that because the school opens at 6:30am DDDD: I am so ridiculously not a morning person that I don't even think I could manage that. Anyway, the position is full time and Montessori schools have programming year-round (so no worrying about having to find a summer job!). I have the option of advancement to be a teacher if I take their training courses in the future, and I definitely want to switch rooms in the future. They just opened up a young infant program and so that's where I'll be starting. Babies aren't my cup of tea but they're not overly stressful, and hey, maybe working in that room will make me like them more? When I told Faith she about pooped herself in jealousy. She's got mad baby fever.

As for my current job, I've pretty much checked out. Supposedly I'll find out who everyone on my caseload is going to by noon today... a whole two days before I'm leaving. Way to leave time to prepare and talk to the receiving case managers, guys. Woo. So I've mostly been sitting around doing nothing, or updating client profiles and such. I just want to be done - I'm so over it!

Friday I'm getting my IUD checked bright and early at 7:15am, and then I'm going to go fill out paperwork and do some training at 9:15 at the school ^_^ Steve and I have BOTH tried to find my IUD strings as told, and failed... I'm just hoping that they've just so successfully contoured to my body that they're hard to reach, and not that anything's gone wrong. I get afraid of that every so often because once in awhile I'll get a severe pang of cramps, though very briefly. Just freaks me out thinking I got an infection or the IUD shifted or something. I keep looking at the bill - $1500 - and thinking that everything better be okay because that shit was expensive! I wouldn't even go in for this check-up if I wasn't worried I could like, die of some infection if it went wrong. I hate check-ups - they're a waste of money. And I'm about to lose insurance for 2 months so this better be the only thing! Anyway, I have almost enough in my health savings account to pay for it - I'll only need about $100 out of pocket by the time I do pay it. But I'll be paying for the entire doctor's visit this time without my HSA. Thank god Steve and I have been saving like crazy. We'll have well over $5,000 in savings by the time I get my last check from MHR at the end of the month. And then moving in with his family until June or whatever will also be super great.

We watched Louis C.K.'s "Hilarious" the other night on Netflix and both almost died from laughter. Steve doesn't even laugh very often, let alone HARD, but we were both heaps of uncontrollable, gut-wrenching, teary-eyed, can't-breathe, laughing doofs. I would be Louis' friend in a heartbeat. I love Louis C.K. Especially when he talks about parenting, and technology.

So I have all of next week as a vacation week, with Steve having taken Monday and Tuesday off for Valentine's day. Not that we're a mushy couple, just that it's an excuse to spend time together around a holiday XD We don't even know if we're doing anything yet, and we don't plan on getting each other gifts (in keeping with our new ghetto-ish style of living in order to save more). Just extra cutie time together :)
spritechan: (Lost - Jin and Sun)
So, it turns out that the problem with my phone WAS the battery XD I got the new phone in the mail, and it wouldn't turn on! When exchanging phone units, you keep your sim, charger, and battery, btw. So we took it into the T-Mobile store, and the woman got it to START the turn-on process (at which point Steve and I were gaping, because we couldn't get it to do ANYTHING), and then she literally threw the battery and went in the back and found a spare (yayyy no waiting for a new one to be shipped!). It's really cool that I got a new phone anyway, without dents, and a clean slate. My pictures and apps transferred to the new unit (I had only a couple - an egg timer and stop watch XD). I added a really cool app that claims to show the CallerID of incoming calls, and purports to have a call-blocking feature. I'm testing it out with a telemarketer that calls me ALL the time. They stopped calling for a couple weeks after calling 2-4 times every day for several months, but it started again last week. I'm hoping it actually DOES block the calls, especially since I know for a fact that the dial-outs are a machine until they hear a voice, at which point you are transferred to a real person (I've tried to ask them to stop calling before).

If AT&T actually buys T-Mobile (the merger is still planned but not a hundo percent, last I heard), I'm totally getting an iPhone if they ever offer it. ^_^ Although, at this point, they're still saying they won't. Depending on how the merger goes, I might actually switch carriers. As discussed previously, I already pay a large chunk to T-Mobile. If prices were to change due to AT&T messing with the data plan prices and whatnot (T-Mobile's is cheaper than AT&T's), I'd probably wait until I was able to break the contract without penalty, via the contract opening up as a result of this merger, and maybe get Verizon? I never hear anything about Sprint, and Verizon's the main competition for AT&T. *shrug* Who knows?!

On Saturday I went out to dinner with my dad's family. It was nice, we just talked a lot and had a good time. Nothing major. On the way home I noticed I needed oil, so I went to get some from a nearby gas station. Then I noticed I didn't have my wallet. Crap. I last saw it at the restaurant we were at, because I had taken it out to show my ID for a margarita. When we got there, the hostess asked if I needed a kids menu. A kid's menu that says '8 and under' on it. Now, I know I may look young, but you gotta be kidding! XD I thought it was hilarious and she was super embarrassed.

Anyway. So, I was worried about running out of oil, because I don't know at what point my car tells me I need it. Is it DIRE? Or just a , "Hey, you should put a couple quarts in me in the near future, but it's all g for a little longer!" But driving to get my wallet was really the only option, unless I could pay the cashier in a few coins and plushies. I typed the location into my handy phone GPS and got there just fine, and they had it waiting for me (there was a terrible moment as I neared the location where I feared it fell out in my dad's car and wasn't at the restaurant at all)! Then there was the issue of putting cool oil in a hot car, but at 11pm in a strange area, I didn't feel like waiting 20 minutes. I need an oil change anyway. The old Leah would have gotten upset, panic-stricken, and likely angry as a reaction, but I was very proud of how calm and accepting I was. I attribute some of this to self-growth, but mostly to Steve teaching me how to accept the things I can't change, and even if they suck, it's better to have a good attitude than a shitty one. <3

On Sunday Bethany called to vent about how stressed she is because their downstairs neighbor is harassing her and Sarah about the kids running around the apartment. Bethany said she and Sarah weren't home for the initial incident, so they went and talked to her on their own time. They describe the lady as a meth head (scraggly, skinny, rotted teeth), and that she said around 8 or 9pm she needs to "wind down" and that the kids need to be quiet. Bethany said the kids go to bed at 9pm. The lady mentioned that it's fine in the morning and during the day though, so Sarah said, "...so, you're home all day?" Meant to get a grasp of the lady's schedule and to probably somewhat insinuate that she doesn't have a difficult schedule, and the lady took it as quite insulting. :P She also yelled at them about cigarette butts on her deck, but Bethany says they never throw their butts, and it's probably the people above them. I just told her to complain to the managers if she doesn't stop, because they need to be able to live. Cayden just turned 1 and Tristan just turned 2; they don't understand why they can't play "too loud", and Cayden's a chunker who just learned to walk so he naturally walks heavy. I just feel bad because that EXACT situation is what Bethany was worried about. Thank god Steve and I live on the ground floor, seriously. I can't stand that stuff.

Oh, and this is my last week with People Inc. I'm not mad at it, nor do I hate it, but since I have a tag about leaving a job, I'm using it XD I'm really excited to start my new job, and to have a week off inbetween to prepare, and also to switch my sleep schedule. It's going to be so weird! Steve and I packed most of our things on Saturday. All we have left is a few odds and ends, all the big stuff (furniture, shelves, computer etc.), the systems we're using, and clothes we need for the next 2 weeks. Otherwise, we're getting ready to go! I wish we could just drop by and throw the boxes in the place even if we can't unpack them yet. So antsy!
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa nap)
I don't feel like doing my 30-day thingy today. Will resume tomorrow

I've been in a rut lately, and it's the annoying kind of rut. Not the kind where I just sleep all the time, but the kind where things irritate me more easily than normal, and I'm snappish. I don't like it. I'm also back to 130 pounds D: I feel gross and all my pants are tight and everything is just frowny.

But! Good news? I GOT THAT JOBBBBB. Woo. I'd be far more ZOMG YES SQUEE BEST THING EVAR if I wasn't so pants-shitting nervous about all the responsibility I accepted, and my selfish crybabying about Steve and I going back to opposite schedules. That means only two more weeks of cleaning and sitting around doing nothing though! I really can't wait. Mom was very insistent on letting me know how Paul was all gushing to her about it, which was cute. My auntie Connie also sent me a bunch of kind words and good vibes via Facebook because her phone won't text me (lol, or her daughter. Two of the people she texts most!). I love her to death! She's the best.

The job has 18 days of vacation time, 9 holidays off, I'm salaried (at least they gave me the impression that I am), and they offered me the highest pay they could. Looking at statistics online, it would appear that I make around the 77th percentile for a Case Manager. Which is likely true, because I passed up a LOT of great-looking jobs based on the fact that they pay equal to or even often LESS than what I make as a glorified janitor. Sooo... woo! A few thousand more dollars per year won't hurt me, and I think I got lucky because I have a variety of experience but very little targeted experience, and basically NO experience in making connections with resources (ahhhhh!). Like I said, 9 times out of 10, if I get the interview, I get the job.

INTERJECTION RANT: Skateville hasn't returned my calls and I haven't gotten my amended tax form (it's been a month), so I STILL can't file for my tax return yet  >:[

/rant

This weekend we went to my sister's new place. It's really nice. Three-bedroom, shared with her best friend (and her boyfriend and her son) and her own family. The boys share a room, Sarah and Chris get a room, and Bethany and Tony get the biggest room. Sarah and Chris's bed is exactly what Steve and I are probably going to get (framewise, I already have the bed itself).  Here's kinda what we're looking for, but much less swanky. I LOVE the style of bed where the mattress is recessed into the frame. It's cute and compact, and prevents the cats from climbing under the bed. Sarah said they got theirs from Ikea (and that it was pretty cheap), but Ikea's website is complete crap so I can't show you.

It was Sarah's boy Tristan's birthday, so it was a good excuse to check out the new digs and get free homemade egg rolls from Chris's mom, Summai. XD She makes like a billion egg rolls for every huge occasion and they are YUMMY. Tony said he was interested in seeing OUR place. I assured him we went the money-saving route and our apartment is not nearly as nice-looking as theirs. Because it's not. It's gonna be cute!

At 10am Steve and I are signing our lease!!! SOOOO excited for that. I have all these plans for food and spices and jars to store things in instead of plastic baggies and painting and book shelves and game shelves and the cat tower! Oh, so excited. Speaking of the cats, I've switched them AGAIN foodwise. I discovered that Nero just licks the juice from the wet food and leaves the rest to get crumbly and dry, and Grim still prefers the dry food overall. So! I spent like a half hour at the store, reading ALL the labels on the dry food, and finally selected a food that had gross things like corn meal or brewer's rice as far down in the ingredients as I could get without breaking the bank. I can't remember what brand it was, probably PurinaOne, but it was a special type that only comes in smaller bags and has turkey as its first ingredient, and some other meat as the second. I was going to completely wean them over a week, but Grim went crazy immediately for it and is actually AVOIDING the food he's been so set on for the last... his whole life! Yay!

I opened an ArtFire account. Only the basic account until I see if my items sell. I only have two things up on there right now, just experiments I made yesterday. You can check them out here. They're not anything great, but I wanted to at least get SOMETHING up on there. I'm starting a pillow tonight, my first attempt at double knitting (not to be confused with duplicate stitch)! Yayyyy knitting! Yay being crafty!

Okay, must stop futzing on computer. O_O
spritechan: (Lost - Jin and Sun)
There's been a bit of tension lately, mostly surrounding the unknown of the next couple of months. Two of my three references have confirmed talked to the company and both (obviously) said they gave me rave reviews. The fact that they asked me to come back to sign a background check vs just not contacting me and wasting the time is another. I was supposed to do it the day of the interview but it was forgotten, and if *I* were a hiring manager, if I didn't plan on hiring someone I wouldn't take the time to do a background check on them if they'd already left and didn't bring it up themselves. *shrug*

Because I feel like I at least have a high CHANCE of getting this job, I'm already feeling more annoyed than ever with my current job. Most of the people bug the crap out of me. They're just not the kind of personalities I enjoy. God, one woman usually provides an unpleasant "someone just smeared poop under my nose" face with every statement she makes (as she's usually saying something negative or "correcting" someone). I'm so glad she's not usually looking my way, because I think I'm often watching the corners of her mouth dip and her pointy nose hook so intently that I start to imitate her a little bit. It's just a really ugly face to make so frequently!

Steve really wants to get a second job to supplement our income, and if I get this job it would likely be a little bit more pay than I get now. He's been looking but he doesn't want to apply to places until he sees how my schedule changes if I get this job. The hours would be 8am-4pm on paper, but I would need to meet my clients' needs and if that meant meeting in the evening, then I'd meet in the evening. They told me it was going to be a ridiculous amount of paperwork, so I imagine myself looking like Miranda from Sex and the City, getting home and immediately starting on more work. Who knows?! Busy busy busy.

I was a good girl today and saw that I had an extra $100 or so in my checking before I get paid tomorrow, so I decided to put it to one of my pet bills. I racked up $2700 on Grim, so now I gotta slowly chip away at it. It's kinda depressing to see all the debt I'm in that isn't even my student loans (though I'm already ahead - payment's not due til May, and I plan to keep paying every paycheck to keep ahead so I never have to worry about it), but I always feel good when I make a payment.

Sparked from a discussion on another journal, I thought about how I pay almost $80 a month for my phone. It's just kinda creeped its way up there through various additions. Really, it was because I took a hit and added my sister to my account, so we have a family plan, which is more expensive overall, but cheaper than if I had a single plan with basically no features. Phones be gettin' expensive! Speaking of phones, I've hated mine since like a week and a half after I got it. I learned today while talking with customer support that I've owned it for 5 months already, which is neat. Anyway, it started when it appeared my receiver was misaligned and I couldn't hear people when they called, except for a faint whisper. That eventually fixed itself (I think I dropped it and it fixed it XD). But for awhile now, it turns off whenever it damn well pleases. The rate at which it turns off is random - sometimes I'll turn it back on and it'll turn right back off like 4 or 5 times in a row. Sometimes it'll turn off because I clicked the unlock button. It definitely turns off any time I smack it or put pressure on it (though, oddly, a lot of times it DOESN'T if it falls from my pocket to the floor. Wtf). According to my phone insurance guy, I could pay the $40 and have a new phone tomorrow. Which is yay and convenient. Or, he said I was still under warranty and that it sounded defective and I have no cracks (some dents on the plastic but he said those didn't matter) and no water damage, so I could get it replace for the cost of shipping through T-Mobile. So I got transferred there. The lady at T-mobile said it was a battery issue, which is not covered under T-mobile and said to call Nokia because it IS covered under them. So. I'm waiting til 8 apparently to call.

I can see how it'd be a battery issue, because it'd turn off any time the connectors shifted away (hence when bumped). But! There doesn't appear to be damage to either my phone's plates or the battery's connectors. So I'm skeptical. Hrm!

I also emailed the woman we've been working with to get our lease signed. She said they'd be in contact this month, but Steve and I are eager to sign the lease and get the first month's rent out of the way. We're so excited to move allll our shtuff and buy things to help organize, such as shelving (including bookshelves, though Paul told me I could take the bookcase that resides at my parents' house that his dad made me a long time ago, which is zomg yay!!!! MOAR SPAISE FORE BUUUUKS) and maybe an armoire from an auction or thrift store to help manage our clothes, because I think in my excitement of the greatness of every other part of the apartment that I forgot to notice there was only one closet.

Interesting to note: since we've been feeding the cats higher-quality wet food (with a small bowl of dry food), they poop FAR less frequently. Like, at first we thought they were maybe having digestive issues associated with switching foods, but there's NO WAY they could backed up (in comparison) for a whole month! Like, they used to go several times a day, and now it's every other day or something. Okay, so the cans of wet food say to feed them one can per 3 pounds of cat... I can't IMAGINE them eating 5 cans a day EACH! They've been splitting like a can a day (plus whatever dry food they eat), and aren't crying for more food. Maybe they ARE having digestive issues. I don't know. They're also consuming a lot more water with the new fountain thing, which I keep in the bedroom and monitor like a hawk. Grim is still peeing poorly and licking himself a lot, but he's been quite active and playful, and eats and drinks normally, so I'm going to try not to stress TOO much about it. I still have the old bottle of anti-anxiety/muscle relaxing medication, the lower dose, in case I get worried enough that he needs help relaxing.

The one downfall I see in drinking so much tea is that I get all hydrated, so I notice IMMEDIATELY when I'm getting dehydrated XD Steve and I have started playing In The Groove again aka DDR. We need to pick up a new copy of DDR X because it somehow got scratched or something and freezes at the song I need to play in order to progress in the game (I'm at like 85%). They're only like $5. In the meantime then, ITG. After attempting a particularly difficult song, Steve was walking around the room, huffing and puffing, and I said,

"See don't you just wanna lay on the floor?" Cause that's what I do when I'm all huffy and worn out, and he retorted,

"I don't think a fitness regimen should include 15 minutes of exercise and 30 minutes of laying in an X formation!" XDDDD

Ah, long rambly entry is long and rambly. I should really do my paperwork; writing this took far longer than it should have, what with distractions and helping clients and generally wasting time. And HOMG I thought I lost this entry cause I accidentally unplugged the cable, but THANKFULLY it had been saving drafts. My heart almost stopped. @_@
spritechan: (Clannad - Mei curious)
Steve had to work at 7pm yesterday, so he and I ended up falling asleep at 10am. I got up at 3pm and planned on herbing in WoW for awhile, but Nate happened to be online and we ended up talking until Steve got up for work at 6pm. I laid down again at 7pm. I was so cold that I slept in an oversized hoodie, the comforter, and a double-thick fleece blanket. I woke up several times in the fetal position, with my two adorable fatties taking up the other half of the couch. I luff them so!

They are being ridiculous about their food right now. Mostly Grim, but Nero a bit, too. I've decided to buy soft food almost exclusively for them, so that I ensure they are getting proper water intake on top of their drinking water. Nero greedily chows down most of the time, but Grim usually turns his nose up at it and cries. Because of this, I also set out a small bowl of the dry stuff, which he will take a few bites of and then decide he doesn't want that, either. If it's not the kitty treats, then what is it?! I haven't given him any treats since he went all crazy that one day. Since he worries me to death I'm terrified that he's not eating, and that that is indicative that something is wrong with him D: I'm so panicky all the time about him!

On another note, my new technique of getting his pill full of my own spit before administering it is working like a charm. The last few times I've given him his pill (save once where he kept going "Pleh" and spitting it out, which was actually quite funny) I've only had to put it in the back of his mouth and he swallows like a champ! I guess it helps that he's never actually fought me on it - he lets me squish him to the ground and put my knees on either side of him so he can't back away, and he doesn't bite or scratch or run. He's so great!

I applied to one job last Friday, and I got an email for an interview THIS Friday. The title would be (Targeted) Case Manager. So! I'm really excited because she got back to me so fast, but I'm also terrified and apprehensive because while I AM qualified, I tend to assume that with the job market as it is, I'm up against at least equally qualified people. On the one hand, it'd be A LOT more responsibility. That's both exciting, scary, and new. On the other hand, my company tends not look favorably upon case managers. In fact, all of my practitioner colleagues actually appear to have contempt for case managers, and think they're often incompetent. I asked my boss Rebekah about it (oh my GAWD I just love her I wish she'd be back from maternity leave NOW but I don't think she's even had her baby yet but I'd marry her so fast), and she said that case managers often just have a very large, stressful caseload of about 50-60 clients, so it's sometimes hard for them to keep up with everything. She also said case managers are usually utilized for the "bad stuff" such as relapse, and don't get to see the growth that clients experience on the flip side, at places like here.

For example, a client's case manager is threatening to put him back in the hospital because it got back to her that he used drugs (I believe it was weed, and he's a recovering meth and heroin addict), because he talked about it in the Dual Diagnosis group our chemical dependency counselor hosts. My company stresses harm reduction - for example, using weed in place of meth is bad, but it's a reduction in the harm to his body, see? He hasn't used meth or heroin in MONTHS. PROGRESS. BABY STEPS PEOPLE. The case manager doesn't see that he's doing quite well otherwise, and thinks he's just always messing up. If I become a case manager I hope to help try to change that, or at least be good at what I do. It's still in mental health, yes, and it would likely be working with people FROM MY COMPANY, but I think it would be GREAT experience, and would allow me an easier time if I wanted to go to grad school in the future (as most nontraditional Master's programs around here have classes in the evenings, which I cannot attend with my current schedule). The scariest thing would then be trying to coordinate schedules with Steve. I don't know what the hours are for this position, but I would naturally assume "day" or "first shift" hours.

I was thinking about how sometimes one must dumb down their resumes to get a job, and I realized that I really don't know how to do that, what with being trained to overly talk myself up in them. My mom had to do that in order to get the job she's had for the past few years, because she had to go from being an office manager (her company was absorbed by Allianz, a very large company) to an office assistant. Granted, she's the executive assistant now, but that's neither here nor there. I know that dumbing down has to do with salary requirement fears, and that makes total sense, because right now, especially with all the bills I'm fronting for Grim, I won't take less than equal what I make now, which isn't even that much in comparison to jobs in other fields. Hell, Pat works as technical support, completely entry level, and he currently makes $6000/year more than I do! That ass! He totally texted me today saying, "Is it as much as I make??? Cause I like looking down on you and I don't want that to change". I woulda punched him if it were in person. XD


I painted my nails such a lovely color! )


P.S. I've changed my "Music" to "Sippin'", where I will be listing my drink at the moment, since I am far more often drinking something than listening to something!
spritechan: (Lost - Ben seduce with ham)
Okay! Cutie vacay was a success! We did NOT leave the house after Saturday (and we only did that to mail cute gifts) until Wednesday when I had to work. Yay!

We had a list of things to do. These included:
-Get new music (Because Steve is notoriously bad at keeping up with his bjillion bands)
-Finish Kirby's Dream Land 3
-Start a new game/Finish a game
-Finish a manga
-Finish Cowboy Bebop
-Start a new anime
-LOTS of DDR
-Watch L: Change the World
-Finish the current Stephen King story
-Leah actually play some of her games

Ummm... I THINK that's all? We managed to do EVERYTHING on the list except get new music :D We beat the original Mario (Steve bought me the collector's edition for the Wii that includes 1, 2, 3, and Lost Levels, and now all we need to do is beat Lost Levels), got everything done in Kirby's Dream Land 3, I finished the Otomen I was reading and Steve read K-ON, we started an anime on Netflix called Noein (it's odd so far but intriguing, reminds me kinda like Shakugan no Shana), played soooo much DDR (even though I can't progress in DDR X because it keeps freezing at the start of my damn song, so I've just been playing a ton of In The Groove), L: Change the World was GREAT (It's following L around, and takes place BASICALLY after the live-action Death Note movie storyline, but not quite after), and I finally beat Golden Sun and started Witch's Wish.

It was so fun! I love Steve so much!

Now it's back to the old grind. I'm job hunting relentlessly, and we're getting prepared to apartment hunt for real next month. I want a job that applies my degree, by the way. I'm taking written exams next month and the month after for positions as either a Case Aide or a Social Worker. I'm looking very vigilantly for government jobs (Department of Human Services), because that would be great. I've also opened up for opportunities to move to more rural areas where they need workers. I just really don't think I could compete for a job in St. Paul/Minneapolis, because I'm not technically a Social Worker. I also actually applied for two positions involving sexuality education, and I hope soooo much to at least get consideration. I've been waiting YEARS for a position to open up. I'm really really good for the job. Steve's got a nibble right now for a modeling job (modeling as in creating, not showing his sexy bod), and it's also located rurally (for us). We actually may end up moving outside of the cities, who knows! I kinda hope not, and I'm sure he doesn't want to live in the boonies, either. I bet we'd just move to a suburb a little farther out of the cities, like Bloomington (by Mall of America for those of you who've been there), which is still very close to the cities. We'd just have to reconcile longer drives to work.
spritechan: (Tomoya Nagisa hs intense hug)
I am far too sensitive these last couple days. It does nothing but cause trouble.

I saw an article on yahoo today that discusses some men being charged with crimes committed in Afghanistan, such as murdering civilians and keeping body parts as prizes, and I find it highly amusing - this is my shortening of the article:

"Up to 12 men are being charged with atrocious crimes in Afghanistan."
"But they may not have done it!!!!!"
"Regardless, it hurts America's already lowering rep."
"Yeah but... it might not be true."
"Well it appears to be true."
"Only it's OBVIOUSLY not the behavior of the majority of the military so... let it go."
"No. This shouldn't happen they should be protecting over there."
"Yes, drop it. America is good and just."
"We'll see."
"Yes. We'll see."

Ah, cautious reporting at its finest.



I'm chilly. I got some great news yesterday - next Wednesday Steve is moving to overnights! Wooo. He'll start/end a few hours earlier than I will, but it will be waaaaay better than the way it is now! ^_^ They're even giving him Monday and Tuesday off to "fix" his schedule, assuming he doesn't already stay up all night. How nice! My job was the opposite - made me ruin my sleep schedule in order to come in for a full week of training and then threw me back into overnights. Hahaha! Anyway, this is really good, because I'm sick of cycling when it comes to coping with such a lack of boyfriend/friend/not all alone time. It really messes with everything!

So far I'm enjoying school well enough. I have my ex-coworker from the middle school, Ana, there with me, and our group for projects is me, her, and two other women she has in other classes. It seems a few people dropped the class, so there are only like 11 or 12 of us in the class now. But it provides some good laughs and discussion time. And as much as I complain about how professors waste my time, when this professor shuts her trap and lets us work on things, I get really stimulated and into discussion. It helps I'm already in the field so I can apply the stuff pretty well, too. I told Ana when we turned in our resumes that I wouldn't have to change anything because I have a sweet-ass resume (and have had like 100 jobs, half of which apply to my field). My bravado was 60% comedy, but when she handed back our resumes she loudly commented how impressive mine was, and only wants me to moved the dates of employment from the right side to the left. I laughed pretty heartily at the compliment. My annoying superior attitude and resume are exactly WHY I get jobs, though. I MAY be a touch big-headed and overconfident, and I totally see that. But it works for snagging interviews and landing jobs! Oh! Which reminds me. That job at my mom's work she wanted me to apply to right before I got this position? I got an email from the HR lady and it said, "While your skills are certainly impressive..." pahahaha! I've never seen a rejection letter start like that. I told Mom either way it'd be hard for me to get an interview there simply because my resume really only highlights my Human Services work and the position I was applying for was like a receptionist/desk type. Amusing.

TGIF. Off to work on my scarf and watch more That 70's Show. Ta!

 



spritechan: (Hope the other things I say don't mean)
As Steve and I are running out of shows to have running in the background while we relax (and we have completely exhuasted Friends, we've seen each episode about a hundred times), I got him started on Sex and the City. The problem is, unlike Friends, I don't own Season 2 or the second half of Season 6. This is exacerbated by the fact that I had a TON of discs in a case here at work and some dumb bitch client stole it for crack money (and she was long gone by the time the theft was discovered, she left and never came back). So about half my Sex and the City discs are gone. The good news is Steve likes it anyway (and shares my INTENSE love for Aiden and Steve).

After he left for work today I went to sleep my extra 3 hours, and instead of having a pleasant, dreamless sleep I was confronted with a TERRIFYING dream about velociraptors. It was different from my normal raptor dreams because it had NOTHING to do with Jurassic Park this time, only I guess the raptors were called raptors but looked like mini versions of T-rexes and believe me, raptors look nothing like them. I woke up a couple times, heart pounding, but I had to fall back asleep and try to conclude it, ya know? It ended up turning into something like a movie, and Lost characters were there (Shannon died and Sawyer was there too and I think he died as well). I didn't die so that's the good news. Haha. It'd been awhile since I had a velociraptor dream.

My interview went well, I'll hear the results early this week. I'm sooo hoping I get it. Especially because they are closing I-94 EVERY WEEKEND and I have to drive a super long way around it to get here in 40 minutes, not to mention driving home Monday morning in rush hour. But this new position is located like 10 minutes from my house and was a dream to drive to. Plus it'll be 30 more hours a week AND as an internal transfer it won't be starting a whole new job. YES.
spritechan: (Made of Awesome Sokka)
I really hope I get this job I'm interviewing for on Wednesday (tomorrow now I guess). The one working with the autistic boy fell through because even though the company offered me the job, the family chose someone else at the last second simply because they lived closer. Which is fine, it really would have been a long drive. But I still desperately need more than 12 hours a week.

My current location at work is being restructured, and I was offered a different position. Instead of working 12 hours Sunday night to Monday morning, they offered me midnight-8am shifts on Friday and Saturday. Um, no. For several reasons. It's only 4 more hours. And it's both weekend days. And I NEED MORE THAN TEEN HOURS JFC. I stuck it out the whole year I've worked there on the hope that I'd be able to find more hours than just the one night!!! So I turned it down, applied to a different position within my house but that is 99.9% guaranteed to another based on seniority and already having been working a similar position, and applied to a different location within the company. I didn't even attach a cover letter. I'm just so bitter. But I got a call anyway last Tuesday for an interview. It'd be overnights (3rd Shift, really), Sun-Th midnight-8:30am. If I got this I'd be making sooo much more money. And I am definitely qualified.

If I got this it would allow for Steve to freely pursue working overnights at Rainbow, because he's been cashiering for 4 years there (and maintenance for two previous to that) and he's sick of people's bullshit. He's friends with the night manager, who has periodically offered him positions jokingly or pointed out when they were hiring. He put a note in to discuss the idea of switching to overnights. The gears are in motion, fingers crossed I get chosen. I interview well, but since I need this job BADLY I'm actually nervous. Usually I'm pretty cocky about them because I can be really personable and I know what people want to hear. My parents definitely taught me well on that front; it's helped me out of tight spots more than once. But I feel like this is so dire. *deep breaths*

Another reason why I need this is that having 6 days off is really wearing on me. I spend almost all of my time until Steve gets home at like 11pm sleeping. Even if I have stuff to do. It's definitely having a progressively depressive effect on me. I need something to keep me stimulated.
spritechan: (Vivi FFIX)
Everything has just been so good lately, I feel like I'm waiting for something to unravel.

That's the thing, too. My family life is shot to hell, but since it's not an everyday part of my life, it doesn't really count.

Steve and I completely finished my apartment on Friday. Took the rest of the stuff out, cleaned every nook and cranny we could find, and shampooed the carpets. Now I just have to go to the final walkthrough next Wednesday and I'm good to go! What a relief.

I beat Final Fantasy IX on Thursday I believe (my icon is a celebration of such - I love Vivi!) after almost 70 hours of gameplay. The ending hit me a lot harder than I expected. I didn't think I was nearly as attached to the characters as I am. I welled up pretty badly though :P

I have an interview for an unpaid internship with a center that tries to put abusive families back together. It sounds really, really good and since I'm pretty much unemployed as it is and I won't be going to school this summer, dedicating a lot of my time interning and trying to assert my way into a job there sounds like a good project. If anything, it's good experience in the field I ACTUALLY want to work in. I've had my foot in the door working in mental health and chemical dependency since I was 18, and now I want in the house, dammit! My degree is in violence, and specifically family violence. Give it to me plz. :)

Steve will probably have to go back to school sometime in the near future, and I KNOW I'll be going back soon after I graduate to take single classes of my choosing, as I actually love school when I can focus on one thing I enjoy, versus three in order to keep insurance. I want more knowledge of violence and abuse, and language.

I am filled to the brim with love. It's an overwhelming feeling to have it all the time. I feel like I'm suffocating, but in a good way.
spritechan: (AngelMort Rika)
Instead of spending this evening knitting or playing pokemon like I intended, I spent the evening applying to jobs (and sending any interesting ones I came across for Steve his way), updating all my job seeker websites, and completely re-doing my resume (I totally stole your template, Suzi, I hope you don't mind!).

I am the poorest I can remember since before I had steady jobs (I have about $50 to last me until Friday), I have bills to pay (although that's lesser and most aren't due til the middle of the month), I have 2 books I desperately need for one of my classes that I still can't afford, and I owe Steve about $400, give or take $20 (he really is amazing for spotting me that!).
 
I need to get another job, and more urgently, I need to get paid!!

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