I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.
So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.
I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!
Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-
ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf, this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.
I was actually kind of hoping for a pap because overnight I got a huge painful lump in my right breast, like, at least an inch circumference. I googled it and there's like a million things it could be, but it hasn't gone away so I'm a little concerned. I just don't want to go through a long-ass appointment so they can tell me my tissue's just being wonky.
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I did so well the past couple weeks exercising (despite the constant, near-crippling pain in my bones) and now with the chilly and cloudy, I'm cranky and just want to sleep in my car on break (and feel sorry for myself for being injured).
I don't want to be in the toddler room today. I'm too irritable.
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Friday I was NOT IN THE MOOD for anything work because I was achey and my throat hurt. It was awesome then that only one of the four babies was present in the latter half of the day. But in the first half I had to continue working with the preschoolers on a dance myself and another teacher are preparing for the Spring Program, which entailed a lot of dancing and movement and was simply not cool. One of the parents of a baby let slip that one of the toddlers had bronchitis over the previous weekend (and said child had been coughing into my face all week), and I didn't know bronchitis was contagious. Now, I'm probably being a baby and don't have bronchitis since I have not been incubating a cold for a week or more or anything, but I've had a stuffy head, been feverish, severely aching and experiencing deep painful coughs that have contributed to a very unhappy throat. I've basically been overloading with DayQuil, Mucinex, Naproxen, and Emergen-C in an effort to rid myself of this BS as I am a giant crybaby when I'm sick and I hate going to work when sick. It seems to be relatively paying off, as my aches (the WORST for me, completely put me out of commission whenever I get them) have mostly subsided. The rest is manageable and I also bought cough drops, woo! But as a result, I lost the vast majority of my weekend to sleep/rolling around the bed/hobbling to various house locations pitifully, which was very disappointing as the weather was nice this weekend (in the 60's, where it's been in the 40's for the past week and will resume said crap this week). I was really motivated to get out and go running too!
I finished a Kindle book I recently purchased - 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. I purchased it when reading through a blog in which the woman was going through a job slump and she happened to mention keeping track of her time and trying to figure out how to make more time for herself in order to work on her core competencies and feel good about what she does. The book is pretty interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. I really liked how she continuously reiterated the need to hone your skills and focus on what you're good at. A large part references families, but it's easy to apply to my own life as well. It's made me very excited to attend the informational meeting about graduate programs tomorrow. I also watched a documentary on the failing public school system on Netflix (Waiting for Superman, if you're interested), a really interesting documentary on being open-minded and taking a severely autistic (though high-functioning) boy to shamans to see if there's any way to help him (The Horse Boy), one on the Scrabble tournament in 2004, and a really cheesy one about quantum physics that actually presented some unique information that has made me want to project a more positive outlook on myself. Yeah, so I guess I knocked off a bunch of Netflix queue stuff, but didn't do anything I really wanted to.
Oh, I DID knit a quick scarf with some lovely new yarn
( as seen here: )
( Oh, and as long as I'm adding pics... )
Jenny, the woman who started dying my bangs, did awesome at letting the black mix with the pink and since I've stopped going to her (the drive is just so damn FAR), I've tried my damnedest to keep the look going. I think I do a pretty good job, and is very cheap - I paid $14 for the "demi-permanent" pink dye, and am getting many uses out of it. Versus $20-$40 a pop when going to Jenny, plus tip and gas both ways.
On Friday Steve and I spent the afternoon texting in Haiku. It was awesome and adorable and omg I love our relationship.
Pat broke up with Faith on Friday AT OUR HOUSE OVER THE PHONE and got back together with her today, which everyone in the friends group disagrees with and he will be receiving very deep glares from me over the next week.
I had a fun training today. I went up to a coworker during a break and made sure she wasn't the Melissa whose clients I was working with this weekend. She said no, and then out of the blue said, "I just wanted to let you know that the way you talk about clients and the language you use is really inspiring. I find the things you say in Team [meetings] to be very helpful and really speaks to the work that you do." I about died. It was wonderful, and very surprising.
Tomorrow I'm going to have an awesome lunch with my coworker Priya at this Indian place.
I have my weigh-in this week and of course it's not lookin' good because I had a shitastic weekend. Yay.
Also, I have a distinct disconnect between my thoughts. I see pictures of skinny girls? I vow to not eat too much. I see delicious food? I nom on it. I am definitely not on a diet and am being a huge baby about it. I can even be thinking about consuming less calories (as I said, I really don't overconsume calories, generally speaking) and be putting food or drink in my mouth at the exact same time. Ugh.
P.S. when I was at the doctor (albeit in my sweats) I weighed 138 according to their scale. hatemylife
Yesterday I had a mild symptom of burning once after I peed, but at 4am when I woke up with OMGMUSTPEENOWWW urges and then the subsequent NOT sleeping, I knew I was in hell again. I actually called in to work and asked people to help with my appointments because there was no way in HELL I could leave my bed. I had a RAGING headache all day (it is currently gently throbbing, reminding me that it still exists) and I've been really nauseated, even WITHOUT the pyridium (which is a lifesaver and I will withstand all the nausea/vomiting ever to take it).
I called the doctor immediately at 8am, tried to weasel a prescription without a visit, but this clinic doesn't work like that, so even though I KNOW I'm mo' fuckin' sick, I have to pay for an office visit and a lab (at least at my old clinic if they were being jerks about needing proof I could just breeze in for a pee cup and wait for the results). The appointment guy tried to tell me I had to wait until tomorrow for my primary doctor, but he changed his mind after I put on my Do Not Fuck With Me tone. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed with messy hair and ALL the scrub clothes and pathetically drove to the doctor, wishing I didn't have to drive because it only made my nausea and headache worse.
So I had to sit through the questions and other crap. When I peed I noticed what I guessed was tissue? in the cup. I worried that I may have contaminated the specimen, but I couldn't see how shooting pee into a cup after thoroughly cleansing the area first could lead to THAT MUCH residue. When I get UTIs my smell gets sharper, I appear to discharge from my urethra itself, but rarely is there blood. This weird string in my cup was frightening. It turned out apparently to be "White Blood Cell clumps". Isn't that just nasty? And I have so many WBCs that they manifest visibly?! Blehhh. THe doctor made me feel better when she said I probably knew more than she did about bladder infections and UTIs and sent me on my way with a script right quick.
I spent the whole day laying in bed, sleeping off and on. I slept to avoid the pain and my headache, but the sleeping only spurred the headache on because I didn't need more sleep. Vicious cycle is vicious.
Steve is out shopping for me, so I've had the kitties to keep me company. He's bringing me Chipotle later. I didn't want to eat today because I don't want to throw it up, but the medication has to be taken with food. So I had some thick soup and a couple of pieces of bread earlier. It was good.
- Friday we went to LIGHTS concert
- Saturday was a Halloween party
- Sunday was my stepdad's birthday
- Monday is taking Grim back to the emergency vet at 7:30am for another blocked bladder and being told that he needs the horrific, expensive urethra surgery (that is, they basically give him a gender change and hope that helps) because he has such horrible scarring or they will put him down. Yay!
Seriously, UTIs are THE. WORST. Never do I wish I were dead except when I have a UTI. It slowly wears down my resolve and I am in a constant state of irritability and near tears. I'm really depressed right now for me, and I was happy to not have any appointments today so I could just do paperwork and drown in my self-pity but my team leader called me and asked me to attend an intake this afternoon. Le sigh.
I noticed something interesting though. I'd been taking AZO to help with the pee urges, and as I've written before, it wants me to vomit it back up more than anything. Steve and I cleaned out my car this weekend (so pretty now!) and I found a bottle of REAL Pyridium tabs, prescription, with 4 left. I am a hoarder when it comes to them - I want to REALLY need them before I use them - and I forgot I had them. The AZO pills are tiny, and there are two of them. Pyridium is big like a calcium pill. I've taken two Pyridium since (I've been in that much pain) and I only got somewhat nauseated. Nothing like the symptoms I get when I take the OTC stuff. Oh, and with both, they make my eyeballs hurt. It's like someone's pushing on my eyes. The Pyridium, probably obviously, works better as well. The pain pretty much COMPLETELY disappears for a time, with only some residual pressure on my bladder. So much so that I trick myself into thinking I'm getting better.
Anyway, if my anxiety gets bad enough I might call back to confirm the appointment.
He DID finally find it, and he came out looking SUPER triumphant. He asked me what the problem had been for the last week, and I explained it.
"Oh god, that sounds horrible! Well, I almost started CRYING back there because I couldn't find it! This package was REALLY hard to locate."
I told him that part of me thought it was gone forever, or that it had never existed in the first place XD It was a really long package, like twice the length of a board game box. I even opened it in the car to make sure it was the package I thought it was. I was SO relieved, and everyone was super nice about it.
I was so exhausted when I got home. I ate my leftover Chipotle (I had run out and gotten Steve and myself Chipotle during my lunch break) and then kinda just crashed with him... at 8pm XD I slept pretty well all night. I LOVE getting all the jooshy sleep.
Part of the reason I'm this way is because it STILL will not warm up, and is cloudy or rainy most days. I hate it.
I hate Qwest. I like the internet, I HATE their website. it's ridiculous and literally impossible to navigate for me. EVERY page I click on I have to verify my information, and it's something new every time, and when I click the "What is this?" on things, it tells me all my information is only listed if I get a paper bill, which I don't. So I don't know what the goddamn hell they want from me.
Grim was adorable and kept me company the whole time, because we're kindred spirits and both have urethra issues. It was fate! Poor us, seriously. When I crawled back into bed, Steve was cute, mumbling in his sleep and pulling me close. Later, when I told him what actually happened last night (he's a deep sleeper), he was like, "Aww! If I was more awake I would have held your hair back for you!" hehe. Ah, romance.
Grimmy got blocked up again, and acted the same as last time: tried to pee, sat on the floor, meowed mournfully and gave me reproachful looks. When they looked at him they said he was worse than last time and they'd want to leave the catheter in for a few days. Money spent: $310. Then they recommended taking him to a 24-hour clinic nearby so he can be monitored at all times. What I didn't know was that this place is actually where the kings of the world visit when they want to stay at a hotel. The bill range for keeping Grim there? $1300 to $2500. Soooo... since the 5th I have spent a minimum of $2500 on this.
Now, money is just money. Grim is far more important to me than any money. HOWEVER. Vets here don't allow payment plans. They require everything up-front RIGHT NOW. So for people like me who make around $1000 every two weeks, it's going to hurt. People wonder why our society views pets as disposable. I would be sitting so pretty if I'd have just paid to put Grim down. And what happens if he gets sick AGAIN (which is, sadly, quite common) and I can't afford it? I couldn't even afford it NOW - the vet allowed me to open a $3000-limit credit line with a 27% interest rate if I don't pay it off quickly. I have enough if I use my credit cards and my entire savings, but I need to be able to pay my other bills and rent too. It's ridiculous and sad.
Despite this bullshit, I still am steadfastly not going to give up on Grim. There is what's considered the "three strike rule" with his condition, and after the third blockage they recommend surgery. The surgery itself sounds horrific: they remove the most distal part of the penis and widen the opening, while creating a new urethra and bypass the old one. The issue again is: HOW MUCH DOES IT COST. Nowhere I've looked gives numbers, except for in Canada for $1200. Unfortunately, Canada is not the US and probably has better rates. Not to mention the healing process. I really, desperately hope it doesn't come to that.
I became very angry when I got an update from them. I didn't want them to do bloodwork, because last week it showed he was within normal ranges. I was told they "pretty much have to - no, they HAVE to." And, as I thought, it was FINE. I am a very aware parent, and I would not let him suffer. I mean, I was on constant alert, and he was still able to get some pee out, so I figured his kidneys were okay. And they are. And fuck you for taking my money. What I DID pay for that I didn't EXACTLY (on the outright) need to was to replace the catheter. They said that the one in him was very rigid and at risk for kinda making things worse with inflammation, so they "offered" to replace it with a softer one. In the call they said it was good I agreed because it was actually kinked and now he's more comfortable. Half the problem is that he's in pain and therefore his urinary sphincter closes as a reaction and prevents him from peeing. He needs to be comfortable in order to pee. It's a vicious cycle. Ugh.
Steve and I still went out to eat, a quiet lunch, and exchanged gifts (in a more subdued fashion than normal). I got him a tshirt with an adorable moogle on it and Epic Mickey (it was on sale on Amazon and I had a gift card), and he modeled, photoshopped, and framed an adorable inside cuteness. Instead of the big dango family, he made dangos with a danbo and made it the big danbo family using engrish and other cute phrases. It was adorable and great. I love homemade gifts. I also gave him a cute handmade card with Link and heart pieces and drew pictures and wrote all over it. Last year on our anniversary I bought him a card (my family is a family of Card Buyers) and he made me one that ended up being a billion times better, so I had to one-up him. Especially because he still makes fun of me for buying him a card ;)
He has been wonderful through all this. He wants to comfort me but I think I push him away, because a hug isn't going to fix my problems. Talking with him helps, and him being understanding about my need to feel these sad feelings and be depressed and sleep and sit on the floor of the shower and have a flat affect and appear cold is really helpful. He's there for me all the way, and I'm grateful for him.
Aaaanyway, I'm ridiculously depressed and mopey. Gonna eat some food and stare at the wall a lot wishing I could be home in bed. Keep Grim in your thoughts!
I went to bed at like 10:30am to try to get sleep before my work training on Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy from 5pm-9pm...
For you "normal" schedule peeps, that's like getting home at 5:30pm and going to bed at 7pm, to get up for a 4-hr training at 2am even though you work again at 8am. (-_-)* Needless to say, it was pretty much a failure. I got a little here and there, but it can't have been more than 2 hours total. I sleep so lightly and Steve's mom ALWAYS creeps on me when I'm sleeping (and Steve's not home - she doesn't do it if we're BOTH sleeping wtf) and therefore I wake up.
Yeah, so I'm tired. I went through several mini-RAGE moments last night.
Right now I'm too cold and tired to really feel anything. I expressed my rebellion at having to come into work with no sleep by wearing Steve's oversized (FOR HIM) Nintendo hoodie.
I'm not even mad, I'm just in shock.
I'll try again when I've picked myself up off the floor in a few days.
P.S. I need like a giant piece of paper reminding me to write my entries in Word. I'm sooo STUPID! lol
-Pick up graduation tickets from school
-Figure out how to get tix to parents
-Wait for new check card to come in the mail (I'm officially moving my monies to an account Paul can't see... I'm afraid to close that account altogether because I have EVERYTHING linked to it. When I'm sure I've got everything moved over to the other account, I'll close it)
-Get Henry to sign the damn papes so I get Xmas eve off
-Get car insurance (I'm covered under my parents until January, made a call, still working on it)
-Get my windshield replaced (not urgent unless I get a ticket, I've had a stress crack across the entire thing for over a year)
-Get new tires (More urgent, they are BALD I slide everywhere. And 1-2 have slow leaks)
-Get AAA? I'm scared without it and I've been spoiled on my parents' account
-Get oil change (I think I'm already 1000 miles over when I should've gotten one)
-Pay an unpaid parking ticket (was poor when I got it, forgot about it for a long time and now I feel guilty)
-Get my remote starter put in
I know there's more.