My Autism

Dec. 13th, 2012 02:04 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.




So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.




I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!




Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.


ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

spritechan: (Lost - Made with Jears)
I spend a lot of time on the internet reading blogs about how to be a better person. Or being on school websites on how to be a more "educated" person. Or on tumblr about how to be a funnier person. But mostly I read about other people's lives and compare them to my own and try to figure out what I can learn about myself in order to be a happier, more fulfilled person.

Because to be quite honest, I experience anhedonia more than I think I should. I haven't yet figured out if it's just my brain being bored/not stimulated enough, or if it's because I haven't found what makes me *truly* happy.

I often find myself discussing with people who revere the things I've done in my life (things like becoming a CNA and taking care of old people, working with children with autism, working in group homes, working with the mentally ill on a deep level) and feeling silly. Silly because they think I am a "special kind of person" and all the amazing differences I have made in people's lives. When I left MHR, I struggled with massive guilt because I had clients frantically calling me to make sure they got to tell me how much they enjoyed having me as a case manager and what I meant to them.

This does not help my guilt because when I am working with people, I genuinely feel that while I am *good* at it, I am pretty much phoning it in. Maybe I AM a special kind of person. The horrible kind where you look like you genuinely care, and do in fact on a deep level, but because of the stress and constant letdowns you force yourself to close off these feelings for further examination and experience at a different time when it is not immediately affecting you. The kind of person who actually feels impatient after working with a certain type of people for awhile because you already have been through this a thousand times. And yet somehow my indifference goes unnoticed and apparently is received as heartfelt concern.

Ugh, I'm being hard on myself. But that's really how I feel like I get. I get to a point where I start convincing myself that I don't care and everything about the people I work with annoys the shit out of me.

Relevant because I've been seriously looking into Special Ed. licensure programs (I need to amend to state that I can't actually get a Master's in anything Teaching without a license, and if I get a Special Ed license it will, in effect, make me eligible for any future teaching degrees and legally able to teach in the U.S.) and even completed a FAFSA. I think if I choose this program I will go to Bethel as it seems to fit these needs the best.


I am deeply unsure if I should have a career working with people because it's what I'm good at vs something that I don't get burned out on after 6 months. I am very concerned and stressed about this issue. Why must everything burn me out? Is it something I'M doing, or the work, or what? Hau~   -_-

I am definitely discussing this on the walk tonight with Steve.


In other news, Steve and I have created some goals )
spritechan: (Voldemort Free Hugs)
It's times like these that I'm frustrated about the availability of my friends, or anyone I value, to talk to. I need to vent and get advice and just process through all this.

Suzi is in Thailand for another forever having all the fun, Bre is probably working (I'll try her in the afternoon), Jenna's probably sleeping until the late afternoon and then busy doing errands and crap, I can't talk to my family or people like Pat... And poor Steve has had to bear too much of my stress and inner turmoil, And he's far too busy at work.

Sidenote, my car has this super annoying habit of blowing cold air if you idle for more than 3 minutes. I HATE that. And yet whenever I leave it to warm up for 15 minutes, it's fine.

Okay, here's what I DO know:
  • Whatever I do, I will be making FAR less than I do now
  • I'll be saving a crap ton in gas
  • I am making the right decision at least in leaving my job as a case manager

What I don't know, then, is what is the right thing to do next. Let's pretend that all of Steve's paychecks for the month cover the bills. If I make $600 per paycheck, we should be okay, right? I mean, that's enough to cover expenses like gas and food and a little entertainment. It's still $800 or so less per month than I was making, but we don't have to spoil ourselves all the time.

The thing I am curious about is whether it is better to take a para job (if I'm offered the one I interviewed at today I will make $13.35/hour, which is what I made when I was a para a couple years ago) that has many holidays and okay benefits, but since I would be starting late I'd have no immediate income in the summer and would therefore need a summer job or something, and is only about 32 hours per week. Or, assuming I get offered the position at Heartbreaker - I don't know what they pay, but she said I would make "substantially more" than $10/hour, is guaranteed 40 hours a week, but doesn't give many holidays or weekends and only some positions offer benefits. The retail job probably has more opportunity to move up.

They both sound fine, and I still don't know if money would ever actually be an issue so long as Steve stays in his salary range for awhile. Hmm.

Bottom line is... I don't know what I want. I want someone to be able to tell me what I should do and I want to want that. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

spritechan: (NGE - Mari sideways glance)
Quite possibly the best movie of all time.

No no, seriously.

It was made SO. WELL. I was completely dead after watching it. My heart was its punching bag, its love slave, its biggest fan. I didn't even like the series that  much, and 1.11 was pretty good, but OMG 2.22 was nearly perfect. SO CLOSE TO PERFECT. My brain is so full and overflowing and I just wanted to cry and cry and cry.

I honestly think it goes in my top 5 movies, maybe even top 3. It's THAT good.

Holy crap.
spritechan: (School Days - Katsura Knit)
A. People who have been tagged must write the answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new, original question.

B. Tag people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.
[ profile] silver_tiamat[ profile] sambanova[ profile] namidanotsuki ... You guys are really all I'm friends with on LJ! >_<

1. How many clowns would it take to freak you out? Or, what does freak you out?
I'm not afraid of clowns, but I don't *like* them. They ARE weird. What freaks me out is velociraptors, courtesy of Jurassic Park. THERE IS NO WAY TO BEAT THEM. They will always be more clever and have more friends than me, so I would lose to them every time and get my flesh torn off.

2. What is your favorite card game?
...Tetra Master from FFIX? Anyone? I played that game soooo much! I was actually disappointed that my competitors didn't have the variety of cards I wanted. Otherwise I like Progressive Rummy, and Uno. And Apples to Apples if that counts.

3. Are the undies you're wearing right now age appropriate?
Yes? Aren't they always? Cutesy bikinis. They got peace signs.

4. What's the last new thing you watched?

I watched the anime School Days. It starts out super cute, and pretty graphics, and then just spirals out of control. It's only 12 episodes. All of my friends watched it before me and told me how sad I was going to be, but... I wasn't. Barely at all. I was far more angry/annoyed/shocked/confused than sad. The main character is a douchebag and reaps what he sowed. I woulda punched him in the face so hard if I was in that universe! I wanted to watch it since everyone else has seen it, and because it sounded a lot like Higurashi or Clannad. I enjoyed it, and the icon I'm using for this entry is a screencap I took from an episode, but I wouldn't want to watch it again, probably ever.

5. You have to be somewhere on the fourth floor of a building. Do you take the lift/elevator?
Only if I'm unsure where the stairs are, or if I'm with someone who chooses the elevator. Walking is always acceptable!

6. How do you feel about your reflection?
Not so good. Especially when Steve said, "You have more of a double-chin when you're over 130, but it's not a *bad* thing!" XD He said it genuinely and I wasn't mad at him, but I hate when the things I think about myself are true. Haaaate myself right now. I was getting really excited about the weather so I could go running/walking or something, and then it freezing rained/sleeted tonight and we're back to shitty, slushy, icy bullshit.

7. What are you thinking about right now?
Steve, and what I want to be doing at work tonight. And how I just spilled tea on my shirt because I can never aim the mug at my mouth properly.

8. Write the first word that comes to mind.

9. Dog person or cat person?
Cats fa sho! They're the best.

10. If you came across $2,000 (or other currency) would you keep it or turn it in?
Depends where I found it. If I found it in a random parking lot, I wouldn't know where to turn it in. Especially at places like that, they usually get to keep it if no one claims it. Even if I turned it into the cops, is the person really going to go looking for it there? And wtf, is it CASH? Who loses $2000 in cash? But yeah, if it was a high amount, I'd put a claim on it and turn it into the police station I suppose.

11. What was the last thing that you bought?

12. If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

13. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Hopefully moving to the west, like Oregon :D Otherwise, maybe getting with-child (or adopting), being successful at my career, owning a house.

14. Last book you've read?
"Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads" by Christine Avanti. Otherwise I read Strawberry Panic manga (it just ENDS. Like, they didn't get funding to finish the series or something. It was not cool)

15. What are you doing this weekend?
Possibly going rollerblading at the Metrodome with some family, and going out to dinner to celebrate my new job. Otherwise, I think we're just packing and relaxing.

16. What do you do to cheer yourself up after a bad day?
I sleep, or vent, or cuddle. Usually all of them. Especially if Steve has to work, I love laying in bed with the cats as my company. I pet Grim and bury my face in his fur and breathe his lovely kitty smell. I'll usually have a random show I love in the background. If it's summer, I might lay outside listening to music or go for a walk. I also like going to the bookstore and picking out a new book, whether it's manga, fiction, or whatever I'm passionate about at the time (currently it's cooking and nutrition!). Or buying a game.

17. How are you?
I'm getting better! I had a breakdown a couple days ago - not a big one, but one where I just had too much built up and I leaked for awhile and talked it out with Steve and resolved to get out of my depression spiral. I even didn't take a 3-hour nap yesterday! It's a feat when you think about how I've been living for the past month. I'm super dissatisfied with my body, though, and it's affecting me a lot. I might be making excuses but I currently truly believe that once I can get OUTSIDE (in NOT 30-degree or lower weather  - I need it to be warm), that I will be able to lose weight again.
spritechan: (Clannad - Mei curious)
Nutrition people should look into the movie Fat Head. It's instant on Netflix. It's a response to Super Size Me, but it's mostly political, about how we got so attached to grains and processed foods and are avoiding things good for us, like protein and fat. The man who made the docu is obnoxious but his points are quite interesting.

It also supports what [ profile] namidanotsuki touched on in discussion with me when discussing issues of health and weight. And Drs. Eades were in the film :) I am definitely going to look into it.

If you do watch it, let me know what you think.
spritechan: (Clannad - Mei curious)
Steve had to work at 7pm yesterday, so he and I ended up falling asleep at 10am. I got up at 3pm and planned on herbing in WoW for awhile, but Nate happened to be online and we ended up talking until Steve got up for work at 6pm. I laid down again at 7pm. I was so cold that I slept in an oversized hoodie, the comforter, and a double-thick fleece blanket. I woke up several times in the fetal position, with my two adorable fatties taking up the other half of the couch. I luff them so!

They are being ridiculous about their food right now. Mostly Grim, but Nero a bit, too. I've decided to buy soft food almost exclusively for them, so that I ensure they are getting proper water intake on top of their drinking water. Nero greedily chows down most of the time, but Grim usually turns his nose up at it and cries. Because of this, I also set out a small bowl of the dry stuff, which he will take a few bites of and then decide he doesn't want that, either. If it's not the kitty treats, then what is it?! I haven't given him any treats since he went all crazy that one day. Since he worries me to death I'm terrified that he's not eating, and that that is indicative that something is wrong with him D: I'm so panicky all the time about him!

On another note, my new technique of getting his pill full of my own spit before administering it is working like a charm. The last few times I've given him his pill (save once where he kept going "Pleh" and spitting it out, which was actually quite funny) I've only had to put it in the back of his mouth and he swallows like a champ! I guess it helps that he's never actually fought me on it - he lets me squish him to the ground and put my knees on either side of him so he can't back away, and he doesn't bite or scratch or run. He's so great!

I applied to one job last Friday, and I got an email for an interview THIS Friday. The title would be (Targeted) Case Manager. So! I'm really excited because she got back to me so fast, but I'm also terrified and apprehensive because while I AM qualified, I tend to assume that with the job market as it is, I'm up against at least equally qualified people. On the one hand, it'd be A LOT more responsibility. That's both exciting, scary, and new. On the other hand, my company tends not look favorably upon case managers. In fact, all of my practitioner colleagues actually appear to have contempt for case managers, and think they're often incompetent. I asked my boss Rebekah about it (oh my GAWD I just love her I wish she'd be back from maternity leave NOW but I don't think she's even had her baby yet but I'd marry her so fast), and she said that case managers often just have a very large, stressful caseload of about 50-60 clients, so it's sometimes hard for them to keep up with everything. She also said case managers are usually utilized for the "bad stuff" such as relapse, and don't get to see the growth that clients experience on the flip side, at places like here.

For example, a client's case manager is threatening to put him back in the hospital because it got back to her that he used drugs (I believe it was weed, and he's a recovering meth and heroin addict), because he talked about it in the Dual Diagnosis group our chemical dependency counselor hosts. My company stresses harm reduction - for example, using weed in place of meth is bad, but it's a reduction in the harm to his body, see? He hasn't used meth or heroin in MONTHS. PROGRESS. BABY STEPS PEOPLE. The case manager doesn't see that he's doing quite well otherwise, and thinks he's just always messing up. If I become a case manager I hope to help try to change that, or at least be good at what I do. It's still in mental health, yes, and it would likely be working with people FROM MY COMPANY, but I think it would be GREAT experience, and would allow me an easier time if I wanted to go to grad school in the future (as most nontraditional Master's programs around here have classes in the evenings, which I cannot attend with my current schedule). The scariest thing would then be trying to coordinate schedules with Steve. I don't know what the hours are for this position, but I would naturally assume "day" or "first shift" hours.

I was thinking about how sometimes one must dumb down their resumes to get a job, and I realized that I really don't know how to do that, what with being trained to overly talk myself up in them. My mom had to do that in order to get the job she's had for the past few years, because she had to go from being an office manager (her company was absorbed by Allianz, a very large company) to an office assistant. Granted, she's the executive assistant now, but that's neither here nor there. I know that dumbing down has to do with salary requirement fears, and that makes total sense, because right now, especially with all the bills I'm fronting for Grim, I won't take less than equal what I make now, which isn't even that much in comparison to jobs in other fields. Hell, Pat works as technical support, completely entry level, and he currently makes $6000/year more than I do! That ass! He totally texted me today saying, "Is it as much as I make??? Cause I like looking down on you and I don't want that to change". I woulda punched him if it were in person. XD

I painted my nails such a lovely color! )

P.S. I've changed my "Music" to "Sippin'", where I will be listing my drink at the moment, since I am far more often drinking something than listening to something!
spritechan: (Scorpio)
The level of disgust that I feel towards people who cover up sexual abuse crimes is almost immeasurable.

The Catholic church has been hiding their abuse of children for centuries, and this started because the people of the church wanted to ensure that property of men went to the church when they died, not families? The requirement of celibacy came about very early on in the church, because the church wasn't satisfied with the married bishops, etc. passing their land on to their sons. Nothing in the Bible says anything about being celibate as a member of the church, and the apostles had families. So what the fuck, Catholicism?

Many men who become a part of the church start at a very early age, like 14 years old. When they make these decisions to join the church, it's like they're halting their psychosexual development. They're fed all these rules about controlling themselves, when really they're just BEGGING for these... kids, really... to become pedophiles. They're not taught how to understand their bodies and the urges they feel, and they are discouraged from exploring these feelings. All of us know how pleasurable sexual feelings are since we're free to express them. But what about a 20-year-old (or what-have-you) priest who never learned to understand and channel his feelings? He works with children. He feels affectionate towards these children. He feels connected to these children. In effect, he's nearly at the same stage of psychosexual development they are at. Children are trusting, and naive. What better subjects to explore your sexual curiosity with without feeling like you're really breaking the rules?

Let's not forget that it's safe to assume that a large number of these men were ALSO abused as children, and are simply perpetuating what they learned as children themselves. Did it feel wrong, or bad, or uncomfortable when it happened to them? Certainly. Did they learn those behaviors from their abusers? Almost definitely. They first are against the actions, but then learn to accept them. Learn to squash their feelings and accept the fear and pain. It's just a part of life, and surely their priest, their vessel of Jesus, wouldn't do something to them that wasn't okay! And yet... they know it's not something they should be telling people. Because deep down it really hurts. It's scary. It's involving parts of their body that they were taught were private.

I firmly believe that if the Catholic church allowed their priests to have families, that this would happen a lot less. There would still be abusers within the church, but I think the number would be far fewer. Because these men would have been given the chance to grow into their sexuality and express it in a healthy way. Personally I think celibacy itself is appalling, but that's likely here nor there.

I don't think that pedophiles are inherently monsters. I think that they learned a specific way to behave, and found an outlet for their sexuality. I think that that outlet is viewed by the Catholic church as no worse than being sexual with an adult. It's just another form of "sex," in a world where "sex" is forbidden, and is probably considered lesser because they're children, and also because children are less likely to tell. I think that these priests are stuck in the wrong stage of psychosexual development, and they need help in order to correct that. By ignoring claims of abuse (and even pleas for help from the pedophile priests), the church is only exacerbating the problem, and preventing these men from getting the help they desperately need. 

I wish that we could live in a world where a priest could confess his feelings (hopefully it would only be urges, but likely it would be reported abuse) to his leader, and the leader could arrange for counseling, for therapy, to help them work through it. I really think that, especially at the beginning, these men could be helped in controlling those urges. Attraction towards children is likely never to go away, but at least they could understand why they CANNOT do that, and WHY it's so horrifically wrong for them to hurt children, and that what happened to them as kids (likely) is no less wrong. That THEY are victims too. I also wish that the Catholic church would realize how negative the requirement for celibacy really is, and repeal that. The cycle of pain and suffering just has to end, and it has to start somewhere. It has to start with the church facing their mistakes and taking steps to amend for what has been broken.

spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya hugs Nagisa)
For my own clarification, I haven't yet decided whether to close that original account completely (the one linked to my mom and stepdad's account from when I was a teen and had to), because I'm a baby and JUST got a bunch of checks for it and don't wanna~ order new ones for my new account :P

As for gifts, I have most of them down. Still need to buy for a few people, but I think I have almost all my gifts picked out. I'm going to talk to Paul tomorrow when we meet for lunch about what to get his parents, and gotta ask my dad on Saturday what HE wants, but otherwise I think I'm pretty much set :) So much money spent this year for xmas, holy crap. I swear to god I've spent over $600 already ($250 on Steve alone... what can I say? I spoil him - he deserves it), and still have people to go! Though I must say, it feels really nice to be able to comfortably spend that much. I really do have a good, cushy position even if I don't really like it. Every time I'm making a frowny face because I spent so much money "already," I look into my savings and it's like, "Oh yeah! It's not a LOT, but I have been saving and am doing really well right now." 

I love Steve and am very thankful for him. A coworker, Chuehue, and I talk for a few minutes at the end of every weekend after shift change is over. He's a middle-aged Asian man with perfect sly anime teeth, a very soft voice, and endearing narrow eyes that are so genuine. We discuss family, love, and school/work. When lamenting about Steve's schooling issues to him, he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "If he did go to the other school, maybe life would have been very different. Maybe you two would not have ever met." And I sat there, stunned. I mean, I've considered this before, but I somehow manage to forget. And the way he said it really made me go over it again.

If Steve didn't go to Brown, he wouldn't have met Pat. If he didn't meet Pat he never would have hung out with Bryce (though he would have known him through Andy). If I didn't go to Kiki's that fateful day before I broke up with Dan, I might not have met Bryce (or at least probably wouldn't have talked to him outside of parties at Kiki's - same with Pat, I thought he was just another burnout when I first met him). If I never dated Bryce and became friendlier with Pat/Maggie, I never would have been introduced to Steve. If I stopped hanging out with the group after Bryce and I stopped dating, Steve and I would never have dated. Pat and Maggie were head-over-heels for me, but that fades with loss of contact. I probably would have continued working at the middle school, and hung out with the girls more, partied more, and maybe would have continued smoking pot semi-regularly. I might have dated Eric Gleisner again, and I don't know what's behind that door. Funny how life works, isn't it? What-if's are really eye-opening sometimes.

For what it's worth, I'm happy with my life. I get to be myself with a man who gets me and supports me in so many ways. We rarely fight, and our fights aren't really considered fights compared to others. More like arguments where we both get worked up and then talk it out while feeling negative feelings. Versus yelling, tears, storming out, flying objects, pushing, etc. It's just smooth sailing, and it's so... nice. :)

spritechan: (Cute smiley fingers)
Sometimes, your friends can give you all the right advice, explain everything just the way you need to hear, and be able to articulate something about yourself that you hadn't been able to put into words. My Suzi did just that for me. I rarely like to go to friends with problems, unless they are major, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is actually really good at listening and providing a lot of the insight that I need. But sometimes, he just can't fill that role.

I have noticed that as my friends grow and develop their own lives, they become more wrapped up in whatever their baggage is, and ask a lot more questions and request opinions than they are willing to reciprocate for. I try really hard to include my experiences in order to show my knowledge on the subject, but I do it in such a way that it won't take away from the topic at hand. It seems as if it goes unnoticed a lot of times, and if I try to bring up something I am confused or wondering about, the topic winds up back about the other person.

Don't get me wrong, I fancy myself a great active listener and I am always willing to help problem-solve when needed, especially the areas of love and sex (among others) as I have a lot of knowledge and experience concerning those two facets. And I definitely do draw in a lot of people who desire advice, help, and thoughts. I love helping out, really I do. But sometimes I (YES, ME) get lost as well, and need someone to pick me up. My excessive feeling of guilt and worry about being a burden often deters me from taking action and I let the problem fester until I have either resolved it, or set it away for the time being.

Even though I felt stupid and silly and immature, I wrote an extensive email to Suzi. She is by far the one who knows me best of my girl friends, even though she lives so heartbreakingly far away. We go back to Junior High, when we were both filled with rage and dark humor. I was so sad that I couldn't visit her this summer as intended, because it would have been amazing (I'm thinking Spring or early Summer next year now??? I'm not sure the cost). Anyway, after sending her the email I felt a lot better having gotten those thoughts off my chest, and continued to wonder what sort of response she'd have.

What she sent me was perfect. Exactly everything I could have wanted and more. She knows that part of my personality to a T, and it was refreshing to have her reinforce the facets of my personality. No one knows the dark side of me like she does, the part who thinks and says things no one would fathom saying out loud. It's just really, really nice to have someone who loves you unconditionally, even when you are at your worst. Thank you for being there for me, I appreciate you far more than you can imagine. <3

April 2017

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