Oh my god

Oct. 30th, 2016 02:07 pm
spritechan: (Thousands of Tears Later)

I just spent over an hour typing up a current entry.

And then when I was dragging in a pic to upload, it put the pic's link in the address bar instead of in the upload window.

And when I clicked back it asked if I wanted to restore the draft.

And it restored the previous post and not the one I was just finishing up.

I cannot handle this kind of fuckery today.

spritechan: (Spirited Away - No-Face)

had been writing an entry in my notepad app because it is way better than writing on any LJ app, and then it decided to pop up a box in the middle of my typing so I accidentally clicked "discard". so yeah.

spritechan: (TTGL - Yoko - you wanna mess with me)
Even though Laura was the one who set the pricing for my tattoo sessions, and even though Jerry (the owner) approved of them and was present, I always got the feeling that he did not approve of the pricing. He constantly gave her pointed looks and asked her how long we were working for. Laura is his only employee. She is talented, friendly, and simply awesome. I saw 3 other tattoos happen by Jerry in the 6 sessions I have had with the shop, and everyone came and left during my session. I noticed that the shop wasn't doing awesome (at least on the days I was there), and Laura mentioned several times that November/December were the slowest months. So really, my $2000 was helping the shop a great deal during the slow period. Laura offered my last session in December to be free, because progress was going slower than we would have liked (the flowers and grass around 3/4 of my wrist, for example, took one whole session and was a very small area). *I* did not ask for it. *She* offered it. 

So when I went in for my session on the 1st, I did not feel like it was any different. Jerry was being douchey with his looks, and Laura and I were doing business as usual. When Jerry left at 6, he gave her a longer-than-normal stare before he left. At 7, she went to get a pizza two doors down. She received a text during that time. I did not think to let her know she received one when she got back. A few minutes later, the shop got a phone call. It was Jerry. He clearly asked her if she got the text. She grabbed her phone and went into the storage room (as the shop really is just one big room). It was very clear then that the phone call was regarding me. A very heated 5-10-minute discussion ensued, with her raising her voice and getting all fast and squeaky. I knew they were arguing about my sleeve. A few minutes later she came out, stricken and very visibly upset, and told me that Jerry was requiring her to raise the price of my sessions, starting that evening. I was IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SESSION, mind you. Apparently Jerry feels that they have been undercharging me, and I deserve to finish my tattoo at an increased rate. At the time I was tired, and defeated, and I didn't want to be mad at Laura for what Jerry did. So we came to a compromise for the night and I ended up paying $50 more than I would have (I still tipped her my standard amount, which she was plainly shocked to see. It was clear that she thought she'd be losing her tip in favor of making up for the increase in price. I would never take that out on her like that.)

For a little while, I resigned myself to it. There's about 2 sessions left and then touch-ups, which are free (the shop guarantees all of its work... or so it claims). I couldn't think of a way to argue my point without burning bridges. I decided to let it go. I DID NOT schedule a new appointment, which I had done every single other time. I hoped that would send a message.

Then I thought about it for a few days, and I have decided that I simply may not go back to the shop AT ALL. How DARE he send his employee to do his dirty work? How DARE he decide to extort me when he knows that I am so close to being done? How DARE he not have the balls to talk to me himself!!!! Fuck! I am seething. I vacillate between wanting to storm down there and demand that he not renege on the agreed upon deal (and notify him that I know an artist who would be GLAD to finish my tattoo [even though I don't want to take this away from Laura and I don't *actually* have an artist lined up... but Andy could do it]), and maybe reach a compromise, and just never contacting them again and badmouthing the shop to anyone who will listen (and post a horrible review on FB, etc. OR just waiting to see if he convinces Laura to contact me when he realizes he misses that consistent money from me). Whenever I think of going to shop, my blood pressure absolutely skyrockets and I get dizzy, from a combination of the helpless, blind rage I feel at his outright greedy asshole behavior and the fact that I am so ridiculously terrified of a confrontation that I panic at the thought of trying to put forth a demanding, coherent, convincing argument.

It just sucks. Why did he have to do that? I hate him. Seriously. It's so wrong on so many levels and I just don't deserve this kind of treatment. God.

My Autism

Dec. 13th, 2012 02:04 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

spritechan: (Default)
Apparently even if my old colleagues really want me at MHR, administration doesn't. I appear to have burned a bridge with them by leaving, and it hurts something fierce. But! In my sorrow I have applied to a minimum of 17 other jobs since Friday or so. I HAVE to have a different job before the end of the month or I might go crazy. It would be awesome if I could just take some time off when school starts and look for jobs then, but we need my piddly income for any 'fun' stuff we may do. Sigh... In the meantime, I desire to burst into tears/storm out at least three times a day. Woot!


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

spritechan: (Voldemort Free Hugs)
Seriously, can I just NOT get UTI's anymore? Please? ....please?

I'm going to tear my skin out. Hopefully the appointment I made online for tomorrow is actually available and won't make me late for work. Bleh.
spritechan: (FFIX Zidane)
Last night, winter tried again to be successful. There was about 4 inches of snow on the cars this morning and Steve said he was 20 minutes late to work because of the traffic. It is quite slooshy outside as the temperature is in the mid-20's and the snow is fluffy. The worst was that it freezing rained before it snowed, so I ran my car for like 20 minutes to get it at least melted off the windows - the scraper wasn't helping.

This weekend I spent mostly to myself, even when I was with people. We hung out at the bropartment on Saturday evening but I just sat quietly and read the third book of the Hunger Games. Well, I DID almost put Scott's head through a wall. He chews SO LOUDLY in normal life (one of my MAJOR pet peeves), but that night he decided to chew gum so it was NEVER ENDING. Right when I was about to move entirely across the room, he spit it out. Thank god. On Sunday I picked up the nanny kids, seeing them for the first time in almost 2 years, and we went back to my place and watched Avatar: The Last Airbender the whole time. They played with the kitties and laser pointers, but were generally very quiet and well-behaved. It was a marked change from the endless energy they had as 6-year-olds, that's for sure! But it was probably a rare change for them being able to watch hours of tv on a cold, dreary winter day. When I picked them up, the only comment I got was from Micah, who said I looked different (which I do - last time we were together I was blond and didn't have a nose piercing). Jen, their mom, ran up to me and gave me a hug. It was very sweet. I'm babysitting them again on February 5th, probably doing the exact same thing with the kids.

On Saturday Jenna and I went to the townhome place, and were immediately disappointed when we discovered that the woman we talked to messed it up and our appointment wasn't on the lady, Anna's, calendar. However, we sat in their "business office" while we waited (it has a computer with high-speed internet, copy/fax machine, and some plush chairs, all for tenant's free use) and went over the floor plans again and wrote down our top 5 choices. We also discussed several things regarding our desires and where our cars will go, etc. We each have a vehicle, but Steve has a station wagon and Jenna drives a CRV, so Nick and I would likely get any garage space anyway because we drive sedans.

Interestingly, when shown paper copies of the floor plans and when Anna pointed out that if both bedrooms have connected bathrooms guests will have to go into someone's bedroom to use the facilities, our top choices changed. We looked at two units. Both were decent, but we fell in love with a two-level called Lakeland. It's actually three levels as the townhome itself sits above a MASSIVE garage that could comfortably fit three cars (but is designed for two). Also, I know this is probably taken for granted by most, but it has ITS OWN GARBAGE AND RECYCLE BINS!!!!! This is HUGE because my current apartment DOES NOT have recycling, and I hate it. Also we have to bring our garbage down to a scary dumpster about a hundred feet away from our apartment, so Steve is usually the one who does that as I don't feel safe going that far by myself. Especially because it gets dark so early now. And it's cold.

Anyway, it's a little over 1300-square feet, and there's a living room as well as a den, with the kitchen inbetween. There's a washer and dryer in a closet in the den. The kitchen is compact - designed to be able to spin in a circle to use all the counter space without having to feel burdened. There's a breakfast bar surrounding the kitchen too. The next floow has the bedrooms. Jenna and Nick will be getting the "master" bedroom (13'6x14', whereas ours will be 12'x13') and the connecting bathroom. Because they have a linen closet in their bathroom, Steve and I will get the majority of the closet between the rooms. Steve and I will have individual closets (this unit doesn't have walk-ins, which is fine) in the bedroom. The biggest downside is that it's only 1.75-bath, so Steve and I only get a shower stall. This is only a burden because we shower together as routine, and there's not a lot of room XD

As for the pet policy, on paper it doesn't state the cats have to be declawed. We're still debating on telling them or just sneaking the cats in. But Anna loved us and we talked video games and boyfriends and what we like about living spaces. We signed a Future Occupancy Agreement that states that if a unit becomes available in the months that we specified (May-September) we will take it up to a certain price (which we listed at $1400, but Anna said we will pay around $1200-$1250 maximum). Then we had lunch with the boys and squee'd over how amazing the townhome is and how gorgeous and how much we all want to move RIGHT NOW. But even if we could, it's just not feasible or smart to move in the winter. So we wait.

On top of this, Steve and I had a very serious talk about my job this weekend, and it was decided that I'm going to quit. I plan on telling my supervisors by the end of the week. Originally Steve and I thought a month would be sufficient time for them to tie up the loose ends, but today while looking through my schedule I decided it would be best to work through the end of February, just so we'll all have a little less stress. The job is very dictated by the months. We debated the merits of doing those last two months to make my one year, but I don't think I'll be able to hold it together until then. I'm cracking already as it is. I have begun applying to various retail positions in the interim (the most exciting at the Hustler store in Minneapolis - I've ALWAYS wanted to work at a specialty store like that), as well as hospital and paraprofessional jobs. I loved my job as a para even if the school system's kind of a bitch, and Steve got really excited because he thought it was great when I was a para. I only ever left the job because I couldn't drive the 40 miles to Shakopee and back every day anymore once I moved.

But I've decided that I am done with mental health, probably forever. At least with adults. I love mental illness in theory, but hate it in practice. Haha. I also don't feel as bad leaving now that they fired an amazing colleague for fraud. She has a domestic partner, like a LEGAL domestic partner, but he's male. She had him on her insurance as it had the option, but when they found out he was male they flipped out and said it was only for SAME SEX domestic partners and that it was HER choice not to get married. And said she committed fraud. And fired her. It's bullshit and they're losing a great worker and person. Oh, and she's 8 months pregnant. And will have no benefits at the end of this month. Nice.

I know it's risky to not have a job already lined up, but with the time I have left and the nature of the job, prospective employers won't be happy to earn I have over a month left, and I don't have a lot of time to job hunt. Steve and I have enough money to float on for at least a month or two, and we'll be getting our tax returns in a couple months. My history with finding jobs is in my favor, but there's still the fear of not having one. And I won't have benefits for awhile. Getting my IUD then was a good move.   
spritechan: (Higurashi - Rena gonna kill you)
Sorry about a lack of response these last few days - my livejournal wouldn't load! I have no idea what happened but the site just kept telling me to fuck off. I'm not even sure it's completely fixed but I just wanted to let everyone know I didn't disappear!

Because it told me to fuck off again after attempting to update it further, here is what I tried to write this morning:

I can't seem to access my friends page or anyone's personal journal at this point - it just keeps loading forever and ever and ever. At least as of from this moment and the past two days.

I'm quite pissed off about this.

Also, I bought a rim for my car off of ebay and 4 days after I made the PURCHASE I was told there were 3 delivery attempts that failed and the rim was sent back. When it takes mail two days to get to the next block. I find it really hard to believe a 20-pound tire rim made it the very next day from a different state. And we have NO invoices saying there were delivery attempts. They haven't responded to me in almost a week. Sigh. It's the ONLY rim I could find for a decent price that matches my car (it was $105). I need it immediately, too. I hate my postal service. I hate these sellers.

In other news, I was pretty overwhelmed by work today. I think the end of the month is just going to always stress me the hell out. But a lot of the issues that put me on the ledge have been at least encountered and semi-addressed. I brought my team lead to one client meeting to help me figure out what the fuck to do.  Another client issue is nigh impossible and will not be solved, but I tried.

I've still been doing a minimum of 3 miles a day and also biking and workout videos. Yay! My legs are soo tired @_@ but I feel good. It helps me de-stress too, which is nice. I planned on going after work today but Steve works at 10pm tonight so I can just go then.

My friend Kiki and I are exchanging arty crafty skills. She drew Chibi Leah (seen here) for icon use and other cute things. SQUEE I IS ART!!!! She is also painting me a Knives (will post picture when I get it) on some wood. She's so great! In exchange, I am making her some Harley Quinn themed fingerless gloves, and probably a baby hat with Cthulhu on it. I'm almost done with one glove and it looks sooo good so far! I just have to stitch the images on. I've been knitting a lot lately. I just finished a scarf that is Knives-inspired, as seen here.

K now I gotta finish work - my excuse is that I'm quick using LJ before it remembers it hates me D:
spritechan: (Dilbert - Drunk or morons)

You may not know this, as I am unsure about how much national news publicity MN has been getting for this crap, but on July 1st, Minnesota had not reached a budget agreement, and per our law, the state government shut down, with exclusions that were agreed upon last-minute (such as Medicaid, Group Residential housing, and medication assistance). We have been shut down for 14 long, annoying days, and today they say they MIGHT be reaching an angry agreement.

This is such crap. It affects a hell of a lot of people (with like 20-some thousand state workers without jobs right now and so many social service programs shut down), and it even affects me! I lost my whole wallet the week before Distant Worlds, and I have been without a license for almost a month. I squeezed into the DMV before the shutdown, but a paper copy is really only good in case I get pulled over. But Miller had to pull its beer from the shelves, bars and other establishments haven't been able to renew THEIR licenses, Canterbury (huge racing track) had to close, the economy is falling apart even MORE and all because some idiots in the government couldn't agree on a budget.

The point is, Minnesota is the ONLY state to be stupid enough to SHUT. DOWN. during one of these debacles. Ugh. Hate.

Here's a recent link if you're interested:
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Minnesota-governor-makes-rb-2686692968.html?x=0&sec=topStories&pos=9&asset=&ccode=


spritechan: (Higurashi - Rena gonna kill you)

So, I've been feeling more social than normal this past week. I hung out until 5am at NIck's on Friday/Saturday, mostly playing FFVI and me, Pat, and Nick gossiped a lot (Pat said to me at least 4 times this weekend that he loves how On I am about gossip in our circles. And my definition of gossip isn't a negative one, because it's not always BAD things. It's just sharing knowledge about people we know and discussing it! That DOES NOT make it negative.). Then I decided I wanted to throw a little party at our apartment, because hey! It's a large space and can fit a lot of people and it would be really fun! So I invited Nick and Pat and Faith, and we ran into Nikki on Saturday and invited him, and Nick brought Joe Waid. I invited Courtney too, and she came later :) It was really awesome to get basically the entire group together. Part of the reason I wanted a little party was to get as many people I like from this group together, and because I want to see more of Courtney, and because I wanted to drink a bit and Faith did too. And Nick and Pat. We all don't really drink all that often (except Nikki, he's a typical college kid living in a college town and college boy house where drinking is a daily occurrence).

Anyway, most of the time was spent talking and joking and trolling each other. We also watched a Jackie Chan movie, which was great entertainment, played some SSBB, and talked some more. It was really fun and I'm glad Courtney was able to come.

Then Pat and Faith left at like 4:15am. Soon after, we heard what sounded like knocks on the window, so we thought they came back because they forgot something. Joe Waid went to investigate, and saw this fat black woman smashing out the windows on Nick's car with a baseball bat! He was too shocked to say or do anything, and she took off in this getaway car (and he didn't get the license plate).

See the horrible pictures here.

It was very obvious that this was a target attack, because she didn't hit anyone else's car and Nick's was in the middle of the lot. We later did find what we assume was the ACTUAL vehicle she meant to hit. It was the same make and color as Nick's. The cop who came out told us that this is actually really common in our awesome ghetto neighborhood - angry exes slash tires or smash windows for revenge. He asked me how I liked it here, and I said I was fine, and never heard of anything happening here yet. He kept asking Nick if he was SURE he didn't piss anyone off. We reiterated several times that NONE of the people present except for myself was even from the area, and we know no black women. lol.

I'm not worried about my car; it's very unlikely that someone would mistake it - there are stuffed animals all over the back window area, and my windshield has a very noticeable crack running the entire length of it already. Steve's car can't get mistaken because it's an old-man car that no one else in the world drives XD I feel so so guilty and bad about Nick's car. What are the odds, seriously?! And Courtney and I had been making all these ghetto-themed jokes about what the noise was, while Nick's car was getting destroyed.

Steve gets all bonerific whenever I hang out with people, because he thinks it's so cute. He thought this weekend was especially cute because not only did I hang out with people of my own accord one night and play epic amounts of FFVI, I stayed with Nick after Pat left and waited until Steve got off work and the three of us had some cute time, but I made separate plans for the next night and had a REAL social gathering! ^_^

In preparation for this impromptu housewarming, Steve and I finished unpacking everything left. We also rearranged the living room the better suit our needs, vacuumed the carpet with deodorizer (it had been STINKY), and set everything up super cute. In fact, next entry I will post picutres of the place FINALLY. It is now very clear that we MUST paint that living room. It is ugly and bare and unwelcoming with those stark white walls D:

Zomg BlazBlue Continuum Shift 2 is coming out for the 3DS at the end of the month!!!! Crap. Now I HAVE to get a 3DS sometime. -_- Oh, I reserved a hotel for us for our trip to Distant Worlds. For the 6 of us, we get to stay in one room for $120! That's on'y $20 each! If we'd tried to stay the night in Chicago, it would have been ridiculously more expensive, and we'd have had to get two rooms. This way, it's perfect!

Okay, now to play FFVI! Steve's playing Halo: Reach and Nikki's on Skype with a friend while they play League of Legends. So social! Steve asked me if he had the #1 spot in my tags, I told him that I doubted it - so we looked up all my tags. Above him are "me", "relationships", "school", "life", "friends",... and "dan". He got all mock-offended about it and started teasing me about never writing about him and that Dan was more important or something. I was all, "I've been dating you two years and Dan was in my life for 5! What do you expect?!" and he was like, "You'd even have WAY more Dan tags if you hadn't lost those years from GreatestJournal!" And then it turned into this silly banter about how I now need to find a way to get a Steve tag into every entry, even if it's just a sentence XD I'm not gonna do that, but I will make more of an effort to write about our cutie relationship. I explained to him that I have so many Dan tags because I complained about him and our relationship A LOT. I whined soooo much about us, and the wishy-washiness I felt about him, especially over that last year. I have nothing to complain about with Steve, so I get half the reasons to write about him :P

Le woe

Mar. 24th, 2011 04:10 am
spritechan: (Grim it's been a long day)
Last night was not cool. Steve and I were playing WoW, and I noticed the pressure on my bladder/urge to pee was higher than it should have been for the amount of liquids I'm consuming. When I went before we went to bed, it huuuuurt. Oh my god. I've actually been REALLY good for almost a year, with only a few scares but nothing resulting in a full-blown UTI. It was the first time in FOREVER!!! And I don't know what I did wrong! I haven't been drinking sodas or erny dranks, and I'm drinking a lot of water! I also follow all the other protocol etc etc that was never really the issue. So whyyyyy?! I forced myself to fall asleep, but I ended up spending the latter half of the night in the bathroom, either stuck on the toilet or curled up on the floor of the bathroom. It was so bad that I even took some Pyridium in hopes that it would at least relieve that horrible, painful pressure. I tried valiantly not to vomit it back up, but in the end I was the loser. My stomach really hates it, and I know I probably shouldn't be putting things in my body that are rejected 95% of the time... but if I can keep it down long enough, it really does work. My pee is a fun bright orange! And.. uh... so was my puke. >_< I finally got back to bed a little after 9pm (Steve gets up at 10, and I sleep after he leaves from 11-11:20pm), and I was not better per se, but at least I could get a little sleep. When I got up I wasn't in crippling pain anymore, and I've been able to function with just a dull throb/burning, even after peeing. I'm probably going to fill the extra prescription my doctor gave me - I've been saving it for a real emergency, like this.

Grim was adorable and kept me company the whole time, because we're kindred spirits and both have urethra issues. It was fate! Poor us, seriously. When I crawled back into bed, Steve was cute, mumbling in his sleep and pulling me close. Later, when I told him what actually happened last night (he's a deep sleeper), he was like, "Aww! If I was more awake I would have held your hair back for you!" hehe. Ah, romance.
spritechan: (Lost - Jin and Sun)
There's been a bit of tension lately, mostly surrounding the unknown of the next couple of months. Two of my three references have confirmed talked to the company and both (obviously) said they gave me rave reviews. The fact that they asked me to come back to sign a background check vs just not contacting me and wasting the time is another. I was supposed to do it the day of the interview but it was forgotten, and if *I* were a hiring manager, if I didn't plan on hiring someone I wouldn't take the time to do a background check on them if they'd already left and didn't bring it up themselves. *shrug*

Because I feel like I at least have a high CHANCE of getting this job, I'm already feeling more annoyed than ever with my current job. Most of the people bug the crap out of me. They're just not the kind of personalities I enjoy. God, one woman usually provides an unpleasant "someone just smeared poop under my nose" face with every statement she makes (as she's usually saying something negative or "correcting" someone). I'm so glad she's not usually looking my way, because I think I'm often watching the corners of her mouth dip and her pointy nose hook so intently that I start to imitate her a little bit. It's just a really ugly face to make so frequently!

Steve really wants to get a second job to supplement our income, and if I get this job it would likely be a little bit more pay than I get now. He's been looking but he doesn't want to apply to places until he sees how my schedule changes if I get this job. The hours would be 8am-4pm on paper, but I would need to meet my clients' needs and if that meant meeting in the evening, then I'd meet in the evening. They told me it was going to be a ridiculous amount of paperwork, so I imagine myself looking like Miranda from Sex and the City, getting home and immediately starting on more work. Who knows?! Busy busy busy.

I was a good girl today and saw that I had an extra $100 or so in my checking before I get paid tomorrow, so I decided to put it to one of my pet bills. I racked up $2700 on Grim, so now I gotta slowly chip away at it. It's kinda depressing to see all the debt I'm in that isn't even my student loans (though I'm already ahead - payment's not due til May, and I plan to keep paying every paycheck to keep ahead so I never have to worry about it), but I always feel good when I make a payment.

Sparked from a discussion on another journal, I thought about how I pay almost $80 a month for my phone. It's just kinda creeped its way up there through various additions. Really, it was because I took a hit and added my sister to my account, so we have a family plan, which is more expensive overall, but cheaper than if I had a single plan with basically no features. Phones be gettin' expensive! Speaking of phones, I've hated mine since like a week and a half after I got it. I learned today while talking with customer support that I've owned it for 5 months already, which is neat. Anyway, it started when it appeared my receiver was misaligned and I couldn't hear people when they called, except for a faint whisper. That eventually fixed itself (I think I dropped it and it fixed it XD). But for awhile now, it turns off whenever it damn well pleases. The rate at which it turns off is random - sometimes I'll turn it back on and it'll turn right back off like 4 or 5 times in a row. Sometimes it'll turn off because I clicked the unlock button. It definitely turns off any time I smack it or put pressure on it (though, oddly, a lot of times it DOESN'T if it falls from my pocket to the floor. Wtf). According to my phone insurance guy, I could pay the $40 and have a new phone tomorrow. Which is yay and convenient. Or, he said I was still under warranty and that it sounded defective and I have no cracks (some dents on the plastic but he said those didn't matter) and no water damage, so I could get it replace for the cost of shipping through T-Mobile. So I got transferred there. The lady at T-mobile said it was a battery issue, which is not covered under T-mobile and said to call Nokia because it IS covered under them. So. I'm waiting til 8 apparently to call.

I can see how it'd be a battery issue, because it'd turn off any time the connectors shifted away (hence when bumped). But! There doesn't appear to be damage to either my phone's plates or the battery's connectors. So I'm skeptical. Hrm!

I also emailed the woman we've been working with to get our lease signed. She said they'd be in contact this month, but Steve and I are eager to sign the lease and get the first month's rent out of the way. We're so excited to move allll our shtuff and buy things to help organize, such as shelving (including bookshelves, though Paul told me I could take the bookcase that resides at my parents' house that his dad made me a long time ago, which is zomg yay!!!! MOAR SPAISE FORE BUUUUKS) and maybe an armoire from an auction or thrift store to help manage our clothes, because I think in my excitement of the greatness of every other part of the apartment that I forgot to notice there was only one closet.

Interesting to note: since we've been feeding the cats higher-quality wet food (with a small bowl of dry food), they poop FAR less frequently. Like, at first we thought they were maybe having digestive issues associated with switching foods, but there's NO WAY they could backed up (in comparison) for a whole month! Like, they used to go several times a day, and now it's every other day or something. Okay, so the cans of wet food say to feed them one can per 3 pounds of cat... I can't IMAGINE them eating 5 cans a day EACH! They've been splitting like a can a day (plus whatever dry food they eat), and aren't crying for more food. Maybe they ARE having digestive issues. I don't know. They're also consuming a lot more water with the new fountain thing, which I keep in the bedroom and monitor like a hawk. Grim is still peeing poorly and licking himself a lot, but he's been quite active and playful, and eats and drinks normally, so I'm going to try not to stress TOO much about it. I still have the old bottle of anti-anxiety/muscle relaxing medication, the lower dose, in case I get worried enough that he needs help relaxing.

The one downfall I see in drinking so much tea is that I get all hydrated, so I notice IMMEDIATELY when I'm getting dehydrated XD Steve and I have started playing In The Groove again aka DDR. We need to pick up a new copy of DDR X because it somehow got scratched or something and freezes at the song I need to play in order to progress in the game (I'm at like 85%). They're only like $5. In the meantime then, ITG. After attempting a particularly difficult song, Steve was walking around the room, huffing and puffing, and I said,

"See don't you just wanna lay on the floor?" Cause that's what I do when I'm all huffy and worn out, and he retorted,

"I don't think a fitness regimen should include 15 minutes of exercise and 30 minutes of laying in an X formation!" XDDDD

Ah, long rambly entry is long and rambly. I should really do my paperwork; writing this took far longer than it should have, what with distractions and helping clients and generally wasting time. And HOMG I thought I lost this entry cause I accidentally unplugged the cable, but THANKFULLY it had been saving drafts. My heart almost stopped. @_@
spritechan: (Lost - Hurley list on arm for Jack)
I had a pretty awful day yesterday and ended up spending almost the entirety of the day at the vet and then the emergency clinic, and most of the time spent inbetween was through moping and sleeping.

Grimmy got blocked up again, and acted the same as last time: tried to pee, sat on the floor, meowed mournfully and gave me reproachful looks. When they looked at him they said he was worse than last time and they'd want to leave the catheter in for a few days. Money spent: $310. Then they recommended taking him to a 24-hour clinic nearby so he can be monitored at all times. What I didn't know was that this place is actually where the kings of the world visit when they want to stay at a hotel. The bill range for keeping Grim there? $1300 to $2500. Soooo... since the 5th I have spent a minimum of $2500 on this.

Now, money is just money. Grim is far more important to me than any money. HOWEVER. Vets here don't allow payment plans. They require everything up-front RIGHT NOW. So for people like me who make around $1000 every two weeks, it's going to hurt. People wonder why our society views pets as disposable. I would be sitting so pretty if I'd have just paid to put Grim down. And what happens if he gets sick AGAIN (which is, sadly, quite common) and I can't afford it? I couldn't even afford it NOW - the vet allowed me to open a $3000-limit credit line with a 27% interest rate if I don't pay it off quickly. I have enough if I use my credit cards and my entire savings, but I need to be able to pay my other bills and rent too. It's ridiculous and sad. 

Despite this bullshit, I still am steadfastly not going to give up on Grim. There is what's considered the "three strike rule" with his condition, and after the third blockage they recommend surgery. The surgery itself sounds horrific: they remove the most distal part of the penis and widen the opening, while creating a new urethra and bypass the old one. The issue again is: HOW MUCH DOES IT COST. Nowhere I've looked gives numbers, except for in Canada for $1200. Unfortunately, Canada is not the US and probably has better rates. Not to mention the healing process. I really, desperately hope it doesn't come to that.

I became very angry when I got an update from them. I didn't want them to do bloodwork, because last week it showed he was within normal ranges. I was told they "pretty much have to - no, they HAVE to." And, as I thought, it was FINE. I am a very aware parent, and I would not let him suffer. I mean, I was on constant alert, and he was still able to get some pee out, so I figured his kidneys were okay. And they are. And fuck you for taking my money. What I DID pay for that I didn't EXACTLY (on the outright) need to was to replace the catheter. They said that the one in him was very rigid and at risk for kinda making things worse with inflammation, so they "offered" to replace it with a softer one. In the call they said it was good I agreed because it was actually kinked and now he's more comfortable. Half the problem is that he's in pain and therefore his urinary sphincter closes as a reaction and prevents him from peeing. He needs to be comfortable in order to pee. It's a vicious cycle. Ugh.

Steve and I still went out to eat, a quiet lunch, and exchanged gifts (in a more subdued fashion than normal). I got him a tshirt with an adorable moogle on it and Epic Mickey (it was on sale on Amazon and I had a gift card), and he modeled, photoshopped, and framed an adorable inside cuteness. Instead of the big dango family, he made dangos with a danbo and made it the big danbo family using engrish and other cute phrases. It was adorable and great. I love homemade gifts. I also gave him a cute handmade card with Link and heart pieces and drew pictures and wrote all over it. Last year on our anniversary I bought him a card (my family is a family of Card Buyers) and he made me one that ended up being a billion times better, so I had to one-up him. Especially because he still makes fun of me for buying him a card ;)

He has been wonderful through all this. He wants to comfort me but I think I push him away, because a hug isn't going to fix my problems. Talking with him helps, and him being understanding about my need to feel these sad feelings and be depressed and sleep and sit on the floor of the shower and have a flat affect and appear cold is really helpful. He's there for me all the way, and I'm grateful for him.

Aaaanyway, I'm ridiculously depressed and mopey. Gonna eat some food and stare at the wall a lot wishing I could be home in bed. Keep Grim in your thoughts!
spritechan: (Dilbert - I have a good attitude)
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First off, I would like to say that I think either half the people answering the question are liars, or only the "good" ones are answering, because I know A LOT of people who snoop on their significant other. I even know a girl who didn't want her boyfriend talking with this one girl, so she'd go into his email and facebook and delete any messages or emails she'd send him.

I don't think that you should snoop on your partner, no. It causes a lot of issues. I've read some of Steve's texts before and he's done the same to me, but never out of suspicion or anger. I remember him saying something to me a few months ago like, "If you read my texts, whatever you do DON'T go into my drafts folder. It's where I keep my list of gift ideas for you." And I haven't, because I know it's true.

The interesting thing about him is how trusting he is. He's like the perfect person when it comes to showing resiliency. He discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend through their comments to each other on MySpace. Not messages, COMMENTS! Who knows what the hell they were messaging each other?! Most people would then be wary of the next social networking addict. But he's not. We're both very open about what we're doing. Anything we ask the other, we answer. Once I made a stupid drunken decision (something like, "HEYYY WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE LET'S EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERRRRS." I think. He might have asked me.) at a party with some douche, and when Steve asked who I was texting and I told him the story, he (rightfully, especially considering he's straight-edge and thinks drunk people are stupid) got angry with me. With no qualms I immediately texted the guy saying that we should no longer speak (he had been texting me a lot since the party, but only like one-word texts) because we had no reason to (which is true), and deleted the number out of my phone to show that I didn't mean any harm and it meant nothing to me. And all was well.



Now, I'm not perfect. I HAVE been snoopy before.

When I was with Dan, there was a serious lack of trust and we snooped on each other all the time (granted, we were together from the ages of 16-21, therefore started young). For me, I felt justified. I found lies everywhere I looked. One of the biggest lies was when I should have been smart and called it quits, but I'm a ninny. We were going to school four hours apart and he hadn't called me for a few days. I signed into his facebook to get a friend's phone number that he lived with, and being 18 and curious, I checked his messages. In there I found several between him and an ex, which hurt a lot because 1. He was NEVER close with his ex. They met in MEXICO on a mission trip, didn't live near each other, and didn't yet have licenses or cell phones and therefore rarely talked. 2. He went many stretches of time without any contact with me at all. The most recent one was dated the previous day, apologizing for not calling her back AFTER TALKING TO ME (when he'd always say he was tired and wanted to get off the phone, etc.). I confronted him; he outright lied about it, even after I told him I was staring directly at the message.

There were hints about him visiting her "again." When asked about this, he said she was referring to a long time ago and wanted to see him but he wouldn't. Of course, not believing him, I signed into MSN and started a conversation with her. To be fair, she sounded like she was only interested in hanging out and was totally open to talking to me, knowing who I was. What I learned from her was that he went to a different state to visit his friend and herself. That he drove like 6 hours to see them. When he couldn't be assed to even talk to me.

I was so mad that if he'd been present, I might have seriously scratched his eyes out. I was RAGING. We talked for like three hours as he tried to convince me to not break up with him. And eventually I relented. And then spent another 3 years of the same old shit. After we broke up but I continued to live with him for a time, a bunch more stuff I never knew about came trickling out of him. He thought it was funny, how much he lied to me.

I guess I have some issues after Dan, but I trust Steve. He's given me no reason to be suspicious of his behavior, so I treat him that way.

spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa nap)
I actually wanna write but I'm too exhausted.

I went to bed at like 10:30am to try to get sleep before my work training on Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy from 5pm-9pm...

For you "normal" schedule peeps, that's like getting home at 5:30pm and going to bed at 7pm, to get up for a 4-hr training at 2am even though you work again at 8am. (-_-)* Needless to say, it was pretty much a failure. I got a little here and there, but it can't have been more than 2 hours total. I sleep so lightly and Steve's mom ALWAYS creeps on me when I'm sleeping (and Steve's not home - she doesn't do it if we're BOTH sleeping wtf) and therefore I wake up.

Yeah, so I'm tired. I went through several mini-RAGE moments last night.

Right now I'm too cold and tired to really feel anything. I expressed my rebellion at having to come into work with no sleep by wearing Steve's oversized (FOR HIM) Nintendo hoodie.
spritechan: (Scorpio)
The level of disgust that I feel towards people who cover up sexual abuse crimes is almost immeasurable.

The Catholic church has been hiding their abuse of children for centuries, and this started because the people of the church wanted to ensure that property of men went to the church when they died, not families? The requirement of celibacy came about very early on in the church, because the church wasn't satisfied with the married bishops, etc. passing their land on to their sons. Nothing in the Bible says anything about being celibate as a member of the church, and the apostles had families. So what the fuck, Catholicism?

Many men who become a part of the church start at a very early age, like 14 years old. When they make these decisions to join the church, it's like they're halting their psychosexual development. They're fed all these rules about controlling themselves, when really they're just BEGGING for these... kids, really... to become pedophiles. They're not taught how to understand their bodies and the urges they feel, and they are discouraged from exploring these feelings. All of us know how pleasurable sexual feelings are since we're free to express them. But what about a 20-year-old (or what-have-you) priest who never learned to understand and channel his feelings? He works with children. He feels affectionate towards these children. He feels connected to these children. In effect, he's nearly at the same stage of psychosexual development they are at. Children are trusting, and naive. What better subjects to explore your sexual curiosity with without feeling like you're really breaking the rules?

Let's not forget that it's safe to assume that a large number of these men were ALSO abused as children, and are simply perpetuating what they learned as children themselves. Did it feel wrong, or bad, or uncomfortable when it happened to them? Certainly. Did they learn those behaviors from their abusers? Almost definitely. They first are against the actions, but then learn to accept them. Learn to squash their feelings and accept the fear and pain. It's just a part of life, and surely their priest, their vessel of Jesus, wouldn't do something to them that wasn't okay! And yet... they know it's not something they should be telling people. Because deep down it really hurts. It's scary. It's involving parts of their body that they were taught were private.

I firmly believe that if the Catholic church allowed their priests to have families, that this would happen a lot less. There would still be abusers within the church, but I think the number would be far fewer. Because these men would have been given the chance to grow into their sexuality and express it in a healthy way. Personally I think celibacy itself is appalling, but that's likely here nor there.

I don't think that pedophiles are inherently monsters. I think that they learned a specific way to behave, and found an outlet for their sexuality. I think that that outlet is viewed by the Catholic church as no worse than being sexual with an adult. It's just another form of "sex," in a world where "sex" is forbidden, and is probably considered lesser because they're children, and also because children are less likely to tell. I think that these priests are stuck in the wrong stage of psychosexual development, and they need help in order to correct that. By ignoring claims of abuse (and even pleas for help from the pedophile priests), the church is only exacerbating the problem, and preventing these men from getting the help they desperately need. 

I wish that we could live in a world where a priest could confess his feelings (hopefully it would only be urges, but likely it would be reported abuse) to his leader, and the leader could arrange for counseling, for therapy, to help them work through it. I really think that, especially at the beginning, these men could be helped in controlling those urges. Attraction towards children is likely never to go away, but at least they could understand why they CANNOT do that, and WHY it's so horrifically wrong for them to hurt children, and that what happened to them as kids (likely) is no less wrong. That THEY are victims too. I also wish that the Catholic church would realize how negative the requirement for celibacy really is, and repeal that. The cycle of pain and suffering just has to end, and it has to start somewhere. It has to start with the church facing their mistakes and taking steps to amend for what has been broken.

Just.. UNNNGHFHGHFH

FFFFFFFF-

Nov. 15th, 2010 05:57 am
spritechan: (Stitch - Oh noes)
Bah, fuck school. I rarely check my university email, because I don't ever get emails from the school. That's not true; I actually checked quite frequently up until the end of October, even though I was never sent anything.

Oh, and THEN I missed a bunch of important emails. Because I was busy not remembering to check my university email for 2 weeks.

Not only did I miss the deadline to purchase cap + gown (even though it's a month away still and the company is here), I also needed to CLAIM tickets, which I also missed the deadline on (though I missed it by like 2 hours so I tried submitting it anyway). The cap and gown thing is quite annoying because now I get charged a late fee that's just as expensive as the gown itself. And I only requested two tickets, because SEVERAL idiots who don't know how to use the email system complained to the entire graduating class about their whole families needing tickets, and I thought I'd worry about at least getting 2 like I warned my family I might get. I don't know if I'd be able to get more than 2 anyway, as it appears they are in high demand. I also don't know who the fuck to choose - my biological parents, or Mom and Paul? Or what? I think I'll tell them to decide amongst themselves because I am not playing that political game.

I got most of my powerpoint presentation done for Wednesday. I just need to fine-tune some things and create my actual speech from it. I also need to write the actual analysis paper, but that's really just taking details from the presentation and expanding them into sentences. After that presentation and turning my portfolio in, I am DONE with school. DONEEEE. Graduating. Bachelor's degree ahoy.

Consequently, I am quite busy atm. I am using my alternate holiday (in exchange for working Thanksgiving) on Wednesday so that Steve and I can get a nice night together, and I am busy as hell on the 18th, what with work, then benefits meeting, then work meeting, plus gifts and Harry Potter. Friday is my birthday, which I plan to spend relaxing with Steve and enjoying gifts. And Saturday is spending time with Roy, his family, and my sister, and I dunno but I think I'm doing something with Mom's family Sunday.

Gotta pee

Nov. 10th, 2010 06:34 am
spritechan: (Dilbert - Drunk or morons)
-Getting excited for Deathly Hallows! I've decided to quick knit up a ribbed scarf, in HuffPuff colors o' course!
-Probs going to reread the 7th book if I can this weekend!
-It's my birthday the same night DH comes out, and I'm super excited to see what Steve got me!!
-There's Dan drama afoot. He told me a couple weeks ago he might be able to get my kidnapped toon back to me. I told him the other day it's not THAT, it's that in merging our account he effectively made it so I will have to rebuy the discs, which I do not want to do. Then he FLIPPED OUT because I wrote "I DO NOT WANT TO REBUY THE DISCS PLEASE LISTEN" in all caps and APPARENTLY that was being a bitch.
No wait, here's a screen of our convo )

I mean, yeah I'm kinda pissy, and snarky. But not to the extent which he is saying. And "bitch for no reason"? Uhhhhhh I have PLENTY of reason to be a bitch. I also kind of feel like we are having two separate conversations. I hate him.
spritechan: (Theory is you're all drunk or morons)
I fucking hate internet explorer. HATE. IT. I wrote nearly a whole entry and it randomly tells me it has to close. It tells me it's autosaving, but it's not because it's FUCKING internet explorer. And my workplace is idiotic as hell to use IE and not allow Mozilla. FUCK.

*print screened around the "FUCKING CLOSE" box and now will attempt to reconstruct the entry*
spritechan: (Theory is you're all drunk or morons)
I had a conversation with Dad today (not the bio one, natch). He told me he would not fill out my FAFSA unless I fulfilled two conditions:
1. I gave him the amount of money that is on my credit card, and
2. I would only accept the minimum amount offered by the loan people when they gave me my loan offer.

No, thank you, I will not bend to your control-freak will. I calmly told him that I was in charge of my own life. He spent about a half-hour telling me that I have no idea what I'm getting into and that I'm pretty much going to go under when I graduate from all my debt. I am confused about this situation because total I will have about $10,000 taken out in loans when I graduate, not even a full year's worth for most of my peers, who have incurred about 4 years of debt to my going-to-be one and a half. I can't imagine how my peers will survive if I am going to die when I finish school!!! As for my credit card, I only have one, I have less than $1500 as a limit, and as soon as I'm fully out of my apartment I plan on paying it back down to zero. My lack of flipping out is apparently a telltale sign of my lack of understanding of the enormity of the situation. I let him talk down to me for awhile, while trying to keep him at bay when I could, choosing mostly to be complacent.

I had a major flashback to Roy (bio dad) when he suddenly said, with no segue, "How come you never invite ME to lunch? Why only your mom?!"


Okay people, I would like to ask everyone who deals with me to please bring their issues with me up front. I HATE when people hold things in like that and bring them up randomly after picking a fight. Interestingly, Roy and I were fighting about $200 I needed for books for the 2008 school year when he suddenly burst out, "Why wasn't I invited to your graduation?!" (he was, he just forgot when it was and missed it). SO you can see where I find the similarity.

Honestly I don't know why he would want to have lunch with me anyway. Wouldn't it just be awkward? He feels left out, clearly, and I totally get that. However, after our falling out a year and a half ago we just don't really get along. He disagrees nearly completely with the way I'm living my life, though I really don't know why, and we both have distorted images of who the other is because of the climax of the events leading to our falling out. I doubt we'd be having long heart-to-hearts over his hour break. And he works a lot farther away than Mom does. I honestly didn't think about it, because I didn't know we were friends.

Bottom line, really: I need to figure out how to apply for loans without having a completed FAFSA. I wouldn't be receiving any aid anyway because my parents make too much. There has to be a way I can do this on my own. My parents didn't co-sign for my loan, so hopefully it'll be just as easy for next year. I feel more and more that my decision to wait on school until fall is a good idea. Otherwise, if I can't do anything about my schooling because he won't fill out the FAFSA, I might be able to get my bio dad to, and since I'm losing insurance when I turn 23 in November anyway, I am okay putting school off until I can afford it on my own.
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