Dreamwidth

Dec. 31st, 2016 01:51 pm
spritechan: (Friends - Moo Point)
You can find me on Dreamwidth as spritechan ^_^ I can't believe how crazy easy it was to import my entries and comments - I was panicking having flashbacks to copying my entries over from GreatestJournal after I had defected over there for several years.

Obvs I'll just be crossposting in the meantime, but HOLY HELL is it easy to transfer. Phew
spritechan: (Dilbert - I have a good attitude)
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First off, I would like to say that I think either half the people answering the question are liars, or only the "good" ones are answering, because I know A LOT of people who snoop on their significant other. I even know a girl who didn't want her boyfriend talking with this one girl, so she'd go into his email and facebook and delete any messages or emails she'd send him.

I don't think that you should snoop on your partner, no. It causes a lot of issues. I've read some of Steve's texts before and he's done the same to me, but never out of suspicion or anger. I remember him saying something to me a few months ago like, "If you read my texts, whatever you do DON'T go into my drafts folder. It's where I keep my list of gift ideas for you." And I haven't, because I know it's true.

The interesting thing about him is how trusting he is. He's like the perfect person when it comes to showing resiliency. He discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend through their comments to each other on MySpace. Not messages, COMMENTS! Who knows what the hell they were messaging each other?! Most people would then be wary of the next social networking addict. But he's not. We're both very open about what we're doing. Anything we ask the other, we answer. Once I made a stupid drunken decision (something like, "HEYYY WE HAVE THE SAME PHONE LET'S EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERRRRS." I think. He might have asked me.) at a party with some douche, and when Steve asked who I was texting and I told him the story, he (rightfully, especially considering he's straight-edge and thinks drunk people are stupid) got angry with me. With no qualms I immediately texted the guy saying that we should no longer speak (he had been texting me a lot since the party, but only like one-word texts) because we had no reason to (which is true), and deleted the number out of my phone to show that I didn't mean any harm and it meant nothing to me. And all was well.



Now, I'm not perfect. I HAVE been snoopy before.

When I was with Dan, there was a serious lack of trust and we snooped on each other all the time (granted, we were together from the ages of 16-21, therefore started young). For me, I felt justified. I found lies everywhere I looked. One of the biggest lies was when I should have been smart and called it quits, but I'm a ninny. We were going to school four hours apart and he hadn't called me for a few days. I signed into his facebook to get a friend's phone number that he lived with, and being 18 and curious, I checked his messages. In there I found several between him and an ex, which hurt a lot because 1. He was NEVER close with his ex. They met in MEXICO on a mission trip, didn't live near each other, and didn't yet have licenses or cell phones and therefore rarely talked. 2. He went many stretches of time without any contact with me at all. The most recent one was dated the previous day, apologizing for not calling her back AFTER TALKING TO ME (when he'd always say he was tired and wanted to get off the phone, etc.). I confronted him; he outright lied about it, even after I told him I was staring directly at the message.

There were hints about him visiting her "again." When asked about this, he said she was referring to a long time ago and wanted to see him but he wouldn't. Of course, not believing him, I signed into MSN and started a conversation with her. To be fair, she sounded like she was only interested in hanging out and was totally open to talking to me, knowing who I was. What I learned from her was that he went to a different state to visit his friend and herself. That he drove like 6 hours to see them. When he couldn't be assed to even talk to me.

I was so mad that if he'd been present, I might have seriously scratched his eyes out. I was RAGING. We talked for like three hours as he tried to convince me to not break up with him. And eventually I relented. And then spent another 3 years of the same old shit. After we broke up but I continued to live with him for a time, a bunch more stuff I never knew about came trickling out of him. He thought it was funny, how much he lied to me.

I guess I have some issues after Dan, but I trust Steve. He's given me no reason to be suspicious of his behavior, so I treat him that way.

spritechan: (Damn it feels good to be a gangsta)

Opening with some lame TMI )

I finished my training yesterday, woooo! Now I have 6 hours down, and almost 10 more months to get the last 8, not to mention that it'll be cut even shorter if my class counts for hours too. I did a lot better in not getting incredibly anxious during the practice exerciese (how to escape from stirkes or grabs), and I talked a lot during the rest. I was singled out because I looked the youngest, and probably was the youngest, but Russ (the director) said he thought I looked 18 and used that in a de-escalation/empathy exercise. While I've miraculously never had my age negatively used in a mental health setting (same with my whiteness, don't know why), it came up a LOT when working in Nursing homes/assisted living.

Steve and I are going to try to start donating plasma. Pat is unemployed (and receives unemployment) and supplements his income with donating a couple times a week. Steve and I would be getting almost $200/week if we were each able to go twice a week. That would be amazingly helpful in paying off credit cards/loans/saving. When Dan and I desperately needed money in Grand Forks, I developed a complex and failed out because my heart rate kept speeding up. It didn't help that the machine only measure your pulse for 15 seconds and then multiplied it by 4, which is inaccurate. And they wouldn't manually measure my pulse. I start off faster when measuring my pulse than I end with. I promise you that my heart rate is not 120bpms. Promise. It's usually around 80-90. I just took it with my company's 15 second monitor and I came up with 122/81 with a pulse of 94. Bleh. Writing about it made me nervous again. As long as the pulse comes up under 100. Usually my blood pressure is about 110/70. I know because I've been to the doctor a lot >_< And I've NEVER been turned away when donating blood. My issue was always iron (interestingly, it's been both almost too low and almost too high), not my pulse. Q~! Wish me luck! Let's hope I don't freak out, because I'm terrified that I will. Which doesn't help. Never-ending cycle! (after a couple minutes I just retested and came up with 114/78, pulse 91. I can physically feel my body reacting when I get the cuff on. URGH. F U BODY). I'll probably request that I be sitting if they're testing while standing like the other place did, because first of all, that's the medically appropriate way to be taking it, and for two, it allows me to feel a little more relaxed.

All right, I really should get going on stuff I need to be doing!

Ending with a clip about responsibility from Hyperbole and a Half that completely and accurately describes me:

"What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking that I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. Since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt-spiral starts.  

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it.  The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination.  It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.  

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility.  It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP."

spritechan: (Grim it's been a long day)
After some careful thinking, and putting years between myself and when I needed to make my journal friends-only, I think I will tentatively make my entries public again. I won't go back and make my previous entries public, at least not at this time, but unless I see a reason to make an entry friends-only, I'll try this out and see how it goes.



Steve and I began Leah's Great Exodus today. Although I really feel like he did most of the work and I just sort of sat around deeming things "keep" or "throw." He was an amazing help and allowed me to part with a lot of stuff I don't need. It felt really good to get rid of so much stuff, because I am a very big pack rat. I need someone like him to help pry my pack rat fingers off of garbage I keep because I'm weird.

Speaking of weird, we ran into an interesting situation today. We had some music playing (it was very much in the afternoon so we thought it was okay) when someone started knocking on the door. I immediately became annoyed because I knew it was someone asking us to turn the music down. It was NOT that loud, I assure you. So I, being steadfastly mule-headed, made no move to answer the door. Steve turned down the music and answered it. This is the conversation that ensued:

Old Lady Who Lives Above Me (OLWLAM): "Oh! Uhh... hi! Are you... taking care... of Leah?"

Steve: "...what?" Him of course being a multiple-piercing, bandanna-wearing, disheveled young man. Yes, he IS my caretaker.

OLWLAM: "Oh I just heard Leah was really sick so..."

Steve: "Uhhh...?"

OLWLAM: "Well, anyway, that music is so loud I can't hear my TV (ME IN MY HEAD: Yeah well I can't sleep at night because your tv is on 24/7 and you never sleep and are always stomping around like a troll on the prowl), so could you please turn it down?"

Me, having now gotten up and walked to the door because Grim flipped out on Steve and hissed and ran away: *stare*

OLWLAM: "Oh! Are you Leah? I heard you were sick and moving out!"

Me: "I am moving out yes, but I am not sick."

OLWLAM: "Oh well someone told me that you were really sick and so I was just wondering... but anyway, the music is really loud."

Me: "Okay. I am not sick."

At this point Nero had run out of the door so we ended the conversation and retrieved him.

Okay. What. the hell! For almost the entire time I have been living at my apartment, I have only returned on average once a week to feed the cats, almost always after everyone normal in the world is asleep. I met that old lady ONE TIME right when I moved in. She introduced herself from her deck and I promptly forgot her name. I am not a neighbors person. I much prefer privacy but I am okay with the occasional smile and nod of acknowledgment. Anything beyond that is pushing it. How is it that, out of my HUGE 400-unit complex, there is actually GOSSIP going around about me dying of cancer or something? And people knowing me by name?? Who did she hear this from? The Mexican family of four living in the 1-bedroom to my right? Or the old man who lives above the old lady?!

Weird.


Anyway, Steve and I also walked the mile or so to the local Gamestop, not for purchasing purposes, but to get out and walk, and also to put our PokeWalkers to good use. Because we are nerds. It was very windy though, which made it pretty chilly. Otherwise it was pretty nice out. I can't wait for summer!

Finally, I think I'm going to postpone taking more classes until the fall. I realized a couple of days ago that my FAFSA is yet again not completed, and that it is not within my power to complete it. I can't afford to take more classes without continued loans, and I have no idea how loans would work for the summer. I also would like to continue to try to fight the administration about that "Pre-internship seminar" class they want me to take even though I completed my internship a year ago. The idea of enjoying my summer and finally being able to get a decent second job is much more appealing than stressing out about more classes. I'm not really in a huge hurry to graduate, next fall will be my 6th year in school, and I really wish I could take classes at my leisure as opposed to being required to be full-time status because of an insurance requirement. I've noticed I do much better taking 2 classes as opposed to 3. I've also decided to include my parents less on the things I do in my life. The cycle appears to be one in which I make a decision, relay it to my parents, they disagree with the decision and make me feel guilty and worthless, I probably continue with my original decision and we end up in some sort of feud. I am happier when they are kept on the edge of my radar as opposed to in the nucleus.

April 2017

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