Quick!

Mar. 25th, 2013 04:55 pm
spritechan: (Bebop - Ein Edward)
I have some big news pending, but I don't want to say anything unless it's for sure. Suffice to say, fingers crossed and I hope to be able to share it with you soon! Well, I will either way but let's hope it all works out!

Steve and I reviewed our finances and noticed that we spend a horrendous amount of money per month on eating out, followed by things like coffee, jamba juice, etc. So we sat down with Paul and worked out our budget, and we're trying to stick by that now - including an "allowance." It should really help us with saving more money, and on not gaining unnecessary pounds with fatty foods!

I beat Bayonetta last weekend, and I've been replaying it on one difficulty level harder, and I've gotten so good at it, getting trophies left and right! It's a fantastic game.

My Autism

Dec. 13th, 2012 02:04 pm
spritechan: (Clannad - Tomoya Nagisa close)

I’m trying not to freak out about next week. I am working on two commissions for scarves, trying to get them done by Christmas, but I really don’t think I’m going to make it… one for sure will be done, and that one is a higher priority because the first commission said the scarf is not REQUIRED by Christmas, but it would be nice. When I talked with Becca about my hours when I was hired, I was very clear in that I didn’t want more than 10-15 hours, no matter what. I was assured that it would NOT be an issue because there were so many people hired. Next week I am scheduled for 26 hours. Including a day I specifically said that I couldn’t attend because I have my super important program meeting for school that day. Ugh. Steve reminded me that it’s just my crappy part-time retail job that I don’t care about, but it’s still pretty stressful. I have this uncontrollable sense of guilt for any remote feeling of letting people down or putting them in a bind. Heh.

 

 

 

So on top of 60 working hours next week I also have another tattoo appointment, which Laura has graciously decided will be a free session (mostly because I’ve been paying $250 per session and providing a generous $50 tip for her each go – tattoo artists often get shit to zero in tips), my program meeting, AND a regular face-to-face session for school. Oh, and my urology appointment that will probably mean I am late to BBW that day. DEEP BREATHS.

 

 

 

I’m a bit sad because working means that I am missing Christmas dinner with Steve’s sweet grandpa on Tuesday, going up north to visit Steve’s family (most notably his sister and her kids) on the weekend, and possibly some of my own family’s Christmas on the 24th. But! I will at least get SOME family time that day (I feel like it’s unlikely that I will be working that full day but I could be wrong), and most important of all, I get Christmas Day with Steve. It will be amazing. I bought him so many great gifts this year!

 

 

 

Things on the relationship front have been pretty good. I’ve been working on not being as aloof (with 50/50 success tbh), and Steve and I had an opportunity to discuss what we simply call my Autism – because that’s really a fair diagnosis – when he was having a bad day and I was trying to comfort him. He got a phone call from his dad in the middle of it and THAT was when I learned he was going up north the weekend of the 21st/22nd, unbeknownst to me until that moment. During our conversation he pointed out that I completely shut down when I am processing surprise information. In light of that revelation I actually burst out laughing. See, when I was with Dan all we ever did was explode. I feel like I am a talker, an arguer, a let’s-work-this-out-don’t-you-dare-walk-away-er. When Steve made me realize that apparently in reaction to being a yeller, I have actually moved to the other side of the spectrum. As a person who feels incredibly self-aware (and really, just aware of everything in general) it is rare that I don’t know something about myself. I thanked Steve for helping me realize that, and now that I know this information, I can work on it. I still tried my best to explain how me processing information is extremely rigid and I don’t know HOW to be there for him when I am struggling with a change (a CLASSIC part of my Autism), which was his primary concern. He was upset that I was being selfish and stopped trying to make HIM feel better because I decided my problem was more important/urgent. We discussed that because Steve gets mopey less often, I have less practice in working through things that send me into Reaction Mode. Dan was a pouter, a moper, a crier… all for attention. He wanted me to coddle him, to hold him, to remind him over and over again that I cared about him. It got to a point that I was so annoyed with him any time he behaved like that, I would start screaming at him, telling him to suck it up. I have dragged him down stairs, I have left him sobbing in hallways… I didn’t have it in me to take care of him that way. I am not a touchy-feely person, and comforting someone when they believe I have hurt them in some way, when they are behaving so dramatically, and ON PURPOSE, is too hard for me. Dan would admit that he would act in those ways so that he could provoke a certain reaction or a certain phrase for me. He said he relished my efforts to make him feel better so he would draw out the attention as long as he could. Which in turn would absolutely infuriate me. Tangent aside, I still struggle with the fear that Steve will begin behaving the same way because he craves attention from me. I realize that while it speaks to how people will do anything for attention. But I am also aware that this type of pattern shows that I don’t provide enough attention, enough affection. Which isn’t good. I need to fix that.

 

ETA: I just received another payment for a scarf,  this time without the buyer discussing it with me. hope she doesn't want the scarf before Christmas because... no.

Oh god.

Nov. 26th, 2012 10:07 pm
spritechan: (I have to go sit in my house by myself)
It's happening again. I thought I was doing super well (and I was!!) because I didn't get my usual October Depression, but apparently it was just waiting around for me to get overwhelmed and busy, because it appears to be creeping up hardcore, just waiting for a catalyst. It became apparent when I realized on Saturday that I had missed a discussion for class (the first one I ever missed!) because I was so thrown off from working Black Friday (11:30pm Thursday-8am Friday) after Thanksgiving at my Mom's and also working Saturday. I realized something was amiss upon reflection because I absolutely had a tantrum about it when I realized the day/time and that I'd missed the discussion, as if that would have changed anything. It set in motion a spiral of mope that has culminated in me not yet turning in anything due for class today (due at 11:59pm) or the discussion due Saturday and instead wallowing in self-pity and apathy.

I appear to have forgotten that a schedule that is too full causes an opposite reaction from me, and even while I KNOW my super busy schedule won't last forever and there are a hundred atypical situations occurring right now, I just want to quit everything and hide under the blankets with all the lights off and maybe a candle going. Like, I see my calendar looking like this:

Here )
And I just want to cry. Remember that I also work every weekday on top of any appointments.

And yet, if you look at it, there are THREE trainings that I have/had this month which will not need to be repeated for a whole year, my tattoo appointments are FUN even if they're time-consuming (and I switched my next appointment from the 21st to December 6 so I wouldn't be upset about the time), and I won't need be going to the urologist again until February. And yet. I'm suffocating. I just need to get through this week and then my next month is blissfully empty right now. I will continue going to the chiropractor once a week and I will be working on my sleeve, and I have my two Face-to-Faces for class, but I can do it. I just need to remember that I can.

I asked Steve to cuddle me while I mope and it eventually turned into me holding up his upper half by the shoulders and he dead-weighted and then I said he looked like he was flying nonchalantly like Superman and then he slowly started to sway back and forth with a smug look on his face, which dissolved us into giggles for a solid couple of minutes. <3

And now, cram work time because I have less than two hours to do this assignment. Let's see if I can build the motivation.
spritechan: (TTGL - Nia hug Simone cute)
So, I had a looooong day at work and just needed some couple time. I feel like I've been taking Steve's love as a given and therefore a bit for granted. That's not cool. So we went shopping at our favorite B-ville mall, got cutie dinner, horribly messed up Caribou coffees - I ordered a small Northern Lite Vanilla Latte hot, he ordered a medium espresso cooler. I got the espresso hot latte and he got a vanilla cooler. BLEHHHH. But I choked it down among teases from Steve. ("So uh, how's that coffee taste?" "It... has flavor." "Oh, so you like it?" "I ordered a coffee drink, and it has coffee... And flavor." XD). Got a few cute new items and bleach + blue hair dye.

Then we went to our favorite GameStop and I found one of the few PS2 games we don't own - Tales of Legendia. Even if it's considered one of the worst Tales games, it was pristine, $20, and OMGPS2!!!!

Get home, start bleaching my hair, and stumble upon a STATUS ON FACEBOOK my mom posted about my sister having a seizure in downtown Minneapolis while driving and crashed into a parked car. While it turns out she's okay at this point and wasn't seriously injured, and a nearby police officer witnessed it and sprang into action, when I read the status and thought about if my sister had been on the highway or otherwise in serious danger... I sort of awkwardly burst into tears. It was Leah-bursting, which is more like a slow build-up and very full eyes but lots of wiping of the face, but shit! Here I was all having an amazing day, and my only sister could be fucking DYING in a CAR ACCIDENT. Jesus. The fear of what would happen if I lost her went almost out of control. She may be at rock bottom, but I love that girl.

After I spoke with Mom on the phone (and sufficiently made her feel bad because I got so upset), I finished dying my hair. See here! I loooove it. I wish I had done more blue and maybe not attacked my bangs so hard with the scissors, but I get so frustrated at how quickly they grow! I JUST got my hair cut. Ugh.

Omg

Apr. 28th, 2012 10:55 pm
spritechan: (Damn it feels good to be a gangsta)
I feel so successful right now!

  • Student immunization form (Will print and send off tomorrow)
  • Request for transfer of credit form (if applicable)
  • Current resúme showing 2 years of work experience
  • 2 admissions references (1 is in, the other is on vacation until the first of May)
  • Official transcript(s) showing an earned bachelor's degree, all graduate schools attended (if applicable), and pre-requisite requirements (if applicable). (However I sent an email because it shows I need transcripts from all 3 colleges but Metro lists all of my institutional history on theirs so I don't WANNA request more.)
  • Academic evaluation (coordinated by your Admissions Advisor)
  • Statement of purpose (I have completed a rough draft and have asked for edits by the lovely Suzi and Athena and had it read and approved of by Steve. I am crossing it off because the main and most difficult part of at least getting it out is done)
  • Submit FAFSA
  • Apply for Aid (Awaiting review)
  • Degree sent (Will make a copy on Monday if I can find my diploma. Lol)
I am so close to being fully applied to grad school!
spritechan: (Lost - Made with Jears)
I spend a lot of time on the internet reading blogs about how to be a better person. Or being on school websites on how to be a more "educated" person. Or on tumblr about how to be a funnier person. But mostly I read about other people's lives and compare them to my own and try to figure out what I can learn about myself in order to be a happier, more fulfilled person.

Because to be quite honest, I experience anhedonia more than I think I should. I haven't yet figured out if it's just my brain being bored/not stimulated enough, or if it's because I haven't found what makes me *truly* happy.

I often find myself discussing with people who revere the things I've done in my life (things like becoming a CNA and taking care of old people, working with children with autism, working in group homes, working with the mentally ill on a deep level) and feeling silly. Silly because they think I am a "special kind of person" and all the amazing differences I have made in people's lives. When I left MHR, I struggled with massive guilt because I had clients frantically calling me to make sure they got to tell me how much they enjoyed having me as a case manager and what I meant to them.

This does not help my guilt because when I am working with people, I genuinely feel that while I am *good* at it, I am pretty much phoning it in. Maybe I AM a special kind of person. The horrible kind where you look like you genuinely care, and do in fact on a deep level, but because of the stress and constant letdowns you force yourself to close off these feelings for further examination and experience at a different time when it is not immediately affecting you. The kind of person who actually feels impatient after working with a certain type of people for awhile because you already have been through this a thousand times. And yet somehow my indifference goes unnoticed and apparently is received as heartfelt concern.

Ugh, I'm being hard on myself. But that's really how I feel like I get. I get to a point where I start convincing myself that I don't care and everything about the people I work with annoys the shit out of me.

Relevant because I've been seriously looking into Special Ed. licensure programs (I need to amend to state that I can't actually get a Master's in anything Teaching without a license, and if I get a Special Ed license it will, in effect, make me eligible for any future teaching degrees and legally able to teach in the U.S.) and even completed a FAFSA. I think if I choose this program I will go to Bethel as it seems to fit these needs the best.

But.

I am deeply unsure if I should have a career working with people because it's what I'm good at vs something that I don't get burned out on after 6 months. I am very concerned and stressed about this issue. Why must everything burn me out? Is it something I'M doing, or the work, or what? Hau~   -_-

I am definitely discussing this on the walk tonight with Steve.

---------

In other news, Steve and I have created some goals )
spritechan: (TWEWY - Phones peek)
...I loved being a case manager.

There. I said it.

I loved following documentation guidelines and feeling productive, successful, and like I was making a difference. I loved feeling important, and like what I did mattered.

....


What I hated (and eventually drove me away) was the unpredictability of the clientele. I hated that I could have an entire day meticulously planned and it would all go to shit because one (or 4) clients were having crises, meltdowns, or in a sticky situation due to poor decisions or whatever that they felt entitled to have me fix.

I'm not saying my job is intolerable, because it's not. I can do this. But I hate feeling like a glorified babysitter in a negative setting, and I panic when I think about the lead teacher going on bed rest/maternity leave and I'm all by myself. The toddler classroom now has 13 kids to the teacher (when the ratio is supposed to be 7:1) and I'm terrified we'll get licensed for more babies before summer's up and I might get trapped with more than 4 babies. It'd be a nightmare. And I seriously don't like babies.


I may be looking at and potentially applying to basically the exact same job, only with the DD/TBI/etc population. I loved working with Autism and while it's my preferred area, it appears to be a lot of others' as well. Being "special" does not guarantee crisis all the time and certainly doesn't mean entitlement (though I won't say it doesn't exist, I have rarely seen it in the population I have met).

That is all. *sheepish*

Ugh

Nov. 17th, 2011 06:27 pm
spritechan: (Calvin reality continues to ruin my life)
I did HORRIBLE for this month's measurements/weigh-in. I wasn't surprised; I was quite depressed last month and never went in on my own time to work out, and I ate really badly. But still, seeing those numbers was very upsetting. It's like I'm right back where I started, only my actual health has improved even if my body is "big". Martin and I sat down and discussed goals and seriously talked about how I can improve my eating habits without being angry about having to be limiting in my food choices (when I'm not eating out every day, my calorie consumption isn't an issue - it's the CONTENT of what I eat).

In some good news though, I did 15 half push-ups in a minute today :D When I started, I literally couldn't even do ONE half push-up. I could go down, but I wasn't coming back up. Hahaha. Woo~

So we know I'm stronger, but I'm still at 136 (ICK ICK ICK) and I gained inches all over. This isn't surprising, as I don't have any one place to store extra poundage. It just kind melds all over me like a nice marshmallow coating. Blehhh.

Anyway, that got me a little down, but! I'm not looking back, only forward. :)

Meer!

Aug. 29th, 2011 10:13 am
spritechan: (Stitch - Oh noes)
I arrived home on Saturday, about noon-thirty. I was supposed to call Steve when I was a half-hour away, but my phone died after our conversation at 8am. It was adorable coming home to so many kisses and hugs. It also felt surreal, like I'd been away for a very long time. It was good.

I showed him my new piercing, we got Chipotle, and we talked. I napped... or... I should say, I went to bed at like 5:30, woke up around 8:30, and went to bed again when Steve crawled in.

Yesterday we marveled at all the time we now have together on weekends. No more "Steve is sleeping for half the day and Leah needs to find something to do" and no more "Steve has to work soon - and then find something to do while Leah sleeps". We got bad-for-you but SO DELICIOUS Culver's and Caribou, went shopping in Burnsville for Steve (he got work shoes), bought a few noms for the next couple days, got my eyebrows done, and we found two great games at our fave Gamestop: Spectral Force 3 for cheap (I coveted it like I do when I find a game I want), and SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: DIGITAL DEVIL SAGA. We've had the sequel for a LONG time. It was still $30, spendy for a PS2 game, but it was an amazing, rare find. The disc was immaculate, the game book never removed.

We talked about our money and saving and paying off our loans with Steve's additional funds added, and buying a house. Steve asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how serious I would be about buying his parents' house if we could. When he asked the question, we were driving there to do some laundry. At the time, I was feeling between a 6.5 and a 7.5. We talked more about what changes we would make to it, and how doable it would be. We agreed the kitchen would be tackled first, shortening the dining room to extend the kitchen and move the fridge so we can have a bar/counter. Steve proposed an amazing idea of knocking out the wall between his old room and his dad's room, and diving his dad's room into three parts - one would be an addition to Steve's bedroom, and the other half would be divided into a walk-in closet, and the wall dividing the bathroom and Steve's dad's room would be knocked out, and extended into a jacuzzi tub. Lofty goal, but a great idea. Without all the couches and tvs and stuff, Steve's old room is definitely bigger than I remember. We could totally make it into a master bedroom (I swear the house doesn't actually have one). Trinity's room would continue to be a "cat" room, and we would keep the door closed, with a kitty door made into the door so the stink of cat poop doesn't permeate the house. We toured the backyard together and were able to appreciate it well. No one uses it. It's a nice size, with a built-in fire pit. We discussed the idea of a fence. And we would definitely put in a deck ASAP. By the end of our conversation my interest in the house was up to about an 8. Steve said his parents pay about $1100/month on it, which we could do.

When we were leaving, we noticed a similar house on the next block that had been foreclosed on. It had an information sheet on the house specs, and it's selling for only $129,900, far lower than Steve estimated his parents would want to sell theirs for. This kind of gave us hope that once his parents see the market, they'll want to sell theirs cheaper too. According to MN realty, a 5% down payment on that house would be around $6500, with a monthly payment at like $1080 or something. Steve and I could easily save for a $7000 down payment. I threw in the idea of keeping most of our "couple" Christmas money and saving it for one. But we love giving each other gifts, so we'll likely spend SOME still. Anyway, excited.

Then we came home and organized the fridge, and I FINALLY tackled all of my random work papers. Steve gave me his blessing to turn our desk into a Leah's Work Desk, and that's been great too. Now all I need is better service for my Droid. Speaking of which, it's 10am and I still haven't listened to all the voicemails received when I was gone. I read and answered all necessary emails last night to take some stress off, and I only have 12 voicemails, but GOD do I hate voicemails. Ugh. And immediately at 8am I started getting calls. I'm so popular.

We spent most of the evening playing Nintendo Monopoly. I did pretty well at the beginning, but then Steve just KICKED MY ASS. It was so funny. He kept making all these silly deals with me so that I wouldn't go bankrupt, but all it did was make my loss slow and painful XDDD It was really, really fun. <3 After that we pretty much crashed at 9:30. It was super awesome to get to sleep together. The novelty of sleeping and waking at the same time will take a long time to wear off. We got up together and showered, and I made breakfast. Then Steve got all dapper and went off to his first day of Real Work! Squeee!

The weather has cooled immensely here in the mornings and evenings. It feels so eerie, compared to the weeks and weeks of 90-degree weather. I've been chilly even under the comforter. Having Steve to cuddle against helps a lot.

Okay, gotta get to work. I have two appointments today, but really I only have one - One of them is an assertive outreach, where you show up on someone's doorstep because they've been avoiding you. It's fun (NOT).

If you have any recommendations for artists similar to LIGHTS (like the light, breathy quality with synth), throw em my way. I need some good female artists.

Oh, and I promise to write about my trip soon!

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